The Mourning Woods - 03 (12 page)

“You are correct at the most basic level,” he admitted. “The world has changed a lot in five thousand years. Humanity’s capacity for destruction has grown exponentially. Many humans would die, but if it were only the Grendel waging war then perhaps things would not be as dire as I make them out to be.”

“Well then...”

“But it is not only the Grendel,” he interrupted. “The old alliances are still in place. If the Grendel declare war, then it is possible that other factions could once again join in the fray. Believe me when I say there are powers far beyond what you could possibly comprehend out there. Some would be eager to make the world remember their existence.”

“Such as?”

“I very much doubt the citizens of this city would be too appreciative if Marduk and Tiamat were to suddenly do battle in Times Square.”

I did a mental calculation of both their stats from the latest edition of the
Monster Manual
. Hmmm, not cool.

“Not to mention,” Sally added. “How long do you think it would be before the humans brought out the big firecrackers?”

“Nukes?” I asked.

“Bingo.”

Alex nodded somberly. “Yes, there is that to take into consideration too.”

“How the hell did we get from Bigfoot attacking vampires to
Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome
?” I asked skeptically.

“I will admit,” said Alex, “that is most likely a worst case scenario. But still, it is in all our best interests to get up to the Northwest Territories and make sure that it never gets a chance to escalate to that point. If we do not, then our alternatives are...”

“Wait a second. Did you say ‘Northwest Territories’?”

“Yes.”

“Where the fuck is that?”

“Isn’t it in Canada?” Sally asked.

“Yes,” Alex replied. “Northern Canada, to be precise.”

“Why the fuck are they having peace talks in Canada of all places? Couldn’t they pick somewhere more...relevant?”

“It
is
relevant to the Grendel,” explained Alex. “Ever since the First Coven reached out to discuss parley with our ancient enemies, the Grendel have been in active competition for a place to host the event.”

“Competition?”

“The Grendel are a very spiritual race, thus they demanded the talks happen at a place that holds significance for them. However, they are also a caste-driven society that places heavy significance on both birth as well as strength of arms. Not only are the Territories home to one of the larger populations of the Grendel on this continent, but it is also the location of the
Woods of Mourning,
an ancestral burial ground that holds the remains of many of their fallen warriors. I don’t know exactly what happened, but the chieftain of that area came out victorious. The honor is his to...”

I started to chuckle.

“Don’t do it, Bill,” Sally warned.

“If I may ask...” Alex started.

“Morning wood!” I let out, cackling. “Oh, that’s great. I bet their ancestors got a
rise
out of that one.”

“I am afraid I do not...”

“I’ll be sure not to let any
boners
slip during the peace conference,” I continued, still laughing.

Alex turned to Sally, a confused look on his face. She replied, “Don’t ask. Just assume Bill is a retard. It’s easier that way.”

Still looking confused, Alex simply replied, “If you say so.”

Yeah, I think it's safe to say he was starting to have doubts about sending me.

* * *

It was only later, after Alex departed for his hotel, that I realized what deep shit I was in.

I asked Sally, “Didn’t he say that the last treaty took a year to hammer out?”

“Something like that.”

“Oh, fuck.”

“What now?”

“I only have two weeks of vacation,” I complained.

Sally, being the ever understanding one, replied, “After all of that, the thing you’re most worried about is unpaid time off? We are so screwed.”

* * *

“Canada?” asked Ed. “This is a peace conference to decide the fate of the world...and they’re having it in Canada?”

“Pretty much what I said.”

“Why can’t they ever do these things someplace nice, like the Bahamas?” Tom asked from his place on the couch.

“Well, just off the top of my head, I’d guess sunny, ninety-degree beaches aren’t conducive to giant monkeys covered head to toe in foul smelling fur...or vampires for that matter.”

“Guess I should start doing my research,” Tom said.

“Research?”

“Yep,” he replied. “Time to start eating Canadian bacon, drinking Molson, and finishing all of my sentences with ‘
eh
.’”

That caused a chuckle amongst us.

After it had passed, Ed said to me, “Idiotic or not, Tom does have a point about research.”

“I’m all for a few Molsons.”

“Not that,” he replied. “Well OK, not
just
that. I’m thinking we’d better start boning up on Bigfoot.”

I started laughing again. When Ed questioned me, I told them about the whole Woods of Mourning thing. Soon we were all cracking up.

Finally, Tom said, “Well then, this should be easy.”

“How so?”

“With Sally around, I don’t think pitching a tent will be a problem.”

I laughed my agreement, but then replied, “Just don’t let her hear you say that. She might just break it off and feed it to Bigfoot.”

* * *

“What the fuck are you doing?” Ed asked me two days later. He had barged into my bedroom/office to ask a question and found me staring at my monitor.

“Dude, try knocking first!”

“Please tell me you weren’t jerking off to...what
is
that anyway?”

“Research,” I replied distractedly, unable to take my eyes from the screen.

“What the hell kind of research is this?”

“Well, I decided to look up some info on Sasquatch.”

“Sasquatch porn?”

“Sasquatch
erotica
,” I corrected.

“That’s just wrong on so many levels.”

“I agree. But when dealing with an unknown enemy, one should study them from all angles.”

“I’m not sure some of those angles are even possible.”

“Tell me about it. I guess Bigfoot likes them nubile. What did you want anyway?” I asked.

“For the life of me I can’t remember,” Ed stated. He sighed and then turned to leave. “Just wash your hands when you’re done, you fucking perv.”

“Will do. Hey, want me to email you the link?”

“OK, sure,” he replied, closing the door behind him.

* * *

Some time after I had finished my...err...
research
, my cell rang. Hearing the tone, I immediately picked it up.

“S’up, Sally?”

“Hey, Bill.”

Hearing a bit of an edge in her voice...well OK, more of an edge than usual, I asked, “What’s the matter?”

“Alex just sent me our travel arrangements.”

“It was only a matter of time. Did he take care of Tom and Ed, like I asked?”

“Oh, yeah.”

“Cool. Then when’s our flight?”

“About that...”

“Don’t tell me I’m booked freight again, Sally. I swear to God, if that’s the case I’m going to...”

“No, it’s not that.”

“OK then what is it?”

“There is no flight.”

“Excuse me?”

“You heard me,” she replied. “There’s no flight. We’re not flying.”

“Then how are we getting there, magic?”

“Car.”

“Hold on a second, Sally,” I replied, quickly calling up MapQuest on my PC. “OK, you do realize that it’s over two thousand fucking miles away, right?”

“Don’t yell at me. Yes, I know that.”

“Then can you explain to me why the hell we're driving across almost an entire fucking continent to get there?”

“Complain to the Bigfeet. It was their idea.”

“Why?”

“According to Alex, since they’re hosting this thing, they get to set some of the ground rules. Apparently, not only do they hate civilization, but they can’t stand technology either. They consider it an affront against nature or some other bullshit. Stupid, shit-flinging assholes.”

“Let me guess, airplanes are a great big affront to both nature and convenience, right?”

“Pretty much.”

“That makes no fucking sense. What do they think cars are, horses disguised with wheel wells?”

“That was their concession to us. We’re allowed to drive in. However, flying would constitute a great offense to their chief, blah blah blah.”

I sighed and began to rub my temples. One would think that a positive side effect of being a vampire would be no more stress headaches. One would be wrong in that assumption.

“You do remember I don’t have a car, right?”

“Of course. Kind of hard to forget your shortcomings.”