The Guide to Getting It On (97 page)

Things to assemble ahead of time include towels, condoms and lube. Be sure to banish your cell phones and arrange plenty of uninterrupted time. Since a double penetration involves three people, you might find the previous chapter on threesomes to be helpful. It has information about everything from hooking up with a third to the dynamics of three people having sex together.

If you have a DP fantasy but aren’t into all that extra sperm, consider cuddling up in front of your new plasma display with your sex toys, a bowl of hot popcorn, and the double penetration videos from Michael Ninn. The titles to date are
Double Penetration” #1, #2, and #3
. Despite the lack of creativity that went into the titles, Michael Ninn’s productions are as high-end as porn gets. Be prepared for pretty.

Resources:

Nina Hartley’s Guide To Double Penetration
from Adam & Eve (thanks to Sinclair Intimacy Institute for sending this DVD). More porn than how-to. The face-to-face interview with Nina Hartley is interesting.

Michael Ninn’s
Double Penetration
,
Double Penetration 2
, and
Double Penetration 3
; not yet available at Target.

CHAPTER

47

Kinky Corner

R
eaders will hopefully appreciate that vanilla is
The Guide’s
favorite flavor. So rather than being an introduction to BDSM, this chapter is an attempt to explain a few bondage bits and pieces. If you want to venture further into the world of sexual power play, excellent resources are on the
Kinky Corner
part of our website at
www.goofyfootpress.com
.

This chapter could have easily been turned into two chapters: one on kink where two or more people are involved with each other, and one on fetishes, which are more of an individual turn on. As you will hopefully see in the pages that follow, BDSM is often about an exchange between two or more people. It’s the creation of a scene that both participants find to be a turn on. A fetish is a way of getting off within an erotic world of your own creation. Rather than being shared with others, a fetish can be a way of insulating yourself from other people.

Men vs. Women

On the surface, it seems that men in our society are more into kink than women. Maybe that’s because we define kink differently for men than for women. A woman who wears her boyfriend’s boxers or briefs is at the height of fashion, but if he wears her underwear we consider him to be weird. Our society relishes her kink, but gets uncomfortable with his.

In our society, women touch each other at will. However, if men were to touch each other with half the frequency that women do, they would be called gay. Once again, our culture labels men as being out of the ordinary for something that women do all the time.

A woman who routinely undresses in front of an open window is thought to be a neighborhood resource. Double that for a woman who plays with herself with the window shades up. But a man who does these things is considered to be a pervert and may even be locked up. There is also the biological fact that women can masturbate without being noticed. Guys can’t masturbate with that kind of subtlety. The male who gets himself off in a public place is at much greater risk of being caught and labeled a pervert than the occasional female who does the same thing. A reader comments, “Not only is he labeled a pervert, but if convicted he would be forced to register as a sex offender.”

Bondage Lite

The United States was originally settled by religious outcasts, malcontents, criminals and slaves. The fact that we are not all into some form of bondage is a little amazing.

Bondage is the application of pain, humiliation or restraint in a way that some people find erotic and satisfying. It’s an endorphin rush that’s like a runner’s high. It is an intense shared fantasy that frequently includes one person taking power and the other giving it up. It’s about physical or psychological surrender, helplessness and trust. If you are into BDSM, this is a combination that brings far more comfort than pain.

People who are drawn to light bondage enjoy being rendered passive. They have no choice but to enjoy what a partner is doing to them. They don’t have to worry about being a “good” partner who provides pleasure in return. Performance anxiety is virtually eliminated. This can especially appeal to someone who has to be in charge and in control the rest of the time.

One form of bondage includes having your arms or feet tied while being kissed, tickled, caressed or otherwise made love to. In parts of Los Angeles, New York and Chicago this type of activity isn’t considered bondage, but merely good bedroom technique.

Safety Note:
If you are into light bondage, be aware that scarves and ties form tight knots that are hard to undo; wrists and ankles can be permanently damaged. Bondage enthusiast William Henkin says that professionally made cuffs may seem expensive to couples who simply like to tickle and spank, but they are much safer than the restraints that people improvise at home. In the event that professionally made cuffs aren’t available on your TV’s Home Shopping Network, check with places like Good Vibrations, Blowfish, JTs Stockroom or The Pleasure Chest.

Painful Pleasures

Spanking is a form of sexual kink that can be considered either light or heavy bondage, depending upon how it’s done. For instance, some participants like their spanking hard and with a hostile edge, while others enjoy a little spank here and there when highly aroused.

Why do some adults enjoy being spanked? One theory states that people sometimes sexualize their childhood shame or humiliation. Turning shame or humiliation into erotic sensation helps it to become more bearable and even fun. Another reason why some people enjoy an occasional swat on the rear is because they find that it feels good, as long as they are sexually aroused and it is their own personal choice to be in the situation. Who can argue with that?

Bondage by Choice — A Feminist Contradiction?

People who are feminists or socially progressive (whatever that means) sometimes feel that they are deserting their own cause if they enjoy being submissive or have masochistic fantasies. Consider a feminist lawyer whose favorite fantasy is being tied up and sexually violated. She occasionally acts out this fantasy with her male lover. Does this contradict her political beliefs? No, since the relevant issue is the freedom to choose rather than what’s being chosen.

The lady lawyer believes that each person should be able to choose what to do with his or her own sexuality. In acting out her bondage fantasy with her lover, this woman chooses to give up her position of equality, and she chooses the man whom she wants to give it up to. In the criminal-rape cases that she handles in court, the rape victim had no choice. The act was forced upon her, rather than being part of a shared fantasy between two consenting adults.

Note The term “feminist” is rife with contradiction. For instance, some feminists are opposed to pornography and feel it demeans women, while other feminists believe that women should be proud of their bodies and free to display them sexually if that’s what they want to do. Some feminists hate men, others don’t; some embrace lesbianism, others are alienated by feminist groups who are more concerned with lesbian issues than with those of straight working moms. Some feminists think that intercourse is a form of oppression that women have been brainwashed into having by the patriarchy (straight white guys). Other feminists view intercourse as a satisfying activity where a vagina is as active and powerful as a penis. Some feminists consider motherhood to be a form of slavery for women, while others welcome motherhood. In fact, most women in this day and age describe themselves as being feminists, regardless of their political views.

Heavy Bondage — A Little Like Life?

“Maddie’s path to discovery was a gradual process. She’d been kinky for pretty much as long as she could remember. She remembered the teacher finding her tied up to the swing set at the end of recess. She didn’t just play ‘doctor’ as a young child, she played mad scientist. Her vision was pretty dark, involving elaborate punishment scenes in a neighbor’s basement. Not surprisingly, she was usually the one who got punished. She has a half-formed memory of having a bucket of coal poured over her crotch while she moaned and writhed in semi-protest. She can still remember the absolute feeling of erotic surrender, the feeling of loss of control. That memory has a sexual charge for her even today. These dirty little games continued until the inevitable discovery by a parent, at which point they abruptly ceased. She doesn’t remember seeing those kids much after that.... During the teenage years, her sexual awakening seemed to always involve some sort of power exchange dynamic. She chose older boys, the dangerous ones, who would use her. And she submitted to this, sometimes with great drama, but some weird little part of her loved it.... The pain of losing her virginity was one of the hottest moments of her life. Unhealthy? Hell, yeah. Self-destructive? Absolutely.” —From the funny and fascinating
The Kinky Girl’s Guide to Dating
by Luna Grey, Greenery Press.

Heavy bondage can get fairly brutal. It can be a world of whips and chains and devices that might put a chill up the spine of the average high-school PE teacher. (Acronyms: B&D = bondage and discipline; S&M = sado masochism; D&S = dominance and submission; BDSM is a blanket term for all of it.)

In heavy bondage, having an orgasm isn’t nearly as important as the bondage scene itself, with its undercurrent of domination, submission and sometimes humiliation. People into heavy bondage process pain differently than people who aren’t. Bondage lovers find serious doses of sexual pain to be invigorating and intimate. They speak about sexual pain with the same kind of clarity and relish as religious pilgrims who are describing a visit to a shrine or the Dalai Lama.

If you have an irrepressible need to get into heavy bondage, please consider the following advice: don’t pick up a stranger who enjoys beating the crap out of people and confuse that with bondage. In heavy bondage there are established rules and etiquette that keep the participants from getting seriously hurt. Mind you, the definition of seriously hurt is a personal matter. If heavy bondage is what turns you on, learn the rules and make sure that your partner knows and respects them.