The Guide to Getting It On (63 page)

No Hands:
Some women rest a vibrator between their legs so they can use their hands for other things such as holding a book, playing with their nipples, touching a partner’s body or channel surfing. There are special harnesses which hold the head of a vibrator snugly between your legs. There is even a small vibrator with built-in straps that is sometimes called
Joni’s Butterfly.
It can be worn during intercourse, in public, at work, on a date or wherever a woman might want to get a private buzz in a public place. However, this type of vibrator can sometimes be heard in super-quiet places like elevators or libraries, so plan accordingly.

Positions:
Unlike most men, vibrators are meant to be abused. Be sure to try different positions with it on top of you, with you on top of it, with it between your legs and as you lie on your side.

Vibrator Vacations:
People sometimes worry that a woman will become used to the vibrator and want only that. If you are concerned, consider taking vibrator vacations for one week every month.

Attachments:
There are a number of vibrator attachments for both coil and wand vibrators. They can deliver a finger of vibration to any location a man or woman wants.

Vibrators and Boys:
Women aren’t the only ones who appreciate an occasional mechanical assist. Some boys learn to wrap a towel around their dad’s hand-held vibrating sander and hold it against their genitals for a quick and easy orgasm. Just about anything around the house that vibrates will eventually find a young man leaning against it to see how it feels. Likewise, some girls first learn about good vibrations by leaning against an array of unusual items. The vibrating handles of some vacuum cleaners can also be enlightening. Be careful if the device grabs or kicks.

Vibrators and Men:
Given how many times the average male masturbates during his lifetime, it makes a certain amount of sense to try out a couple of gadgets that are made for that purpose. Some are interesting, most are disappointing. Many are nowhere near as convenient as using your own hand. For instance, there is a special attachment for certain types of vibrators called a come cup which fits over the head of the penis. (Be sure to lube up the cup first.) To make a come cup of your own, push the head of a vibrator against your hand as it is holding your penis. Some men wrap a vibrator with a towel and lean into it. The towel helps to muffle the sensation, since some vibrations can be too much and you’re left with a numb penis and no orgasm. There are even vibrating sleeves that a penis can fit into. Of those we’ve tested, none came close to using your hand and five-cents-worth of lotion. We also tried a vagina substitute that’s shaped like a big flashlight. Sticking your penis into cold mud would have been more fun. On the other hand, these sell incredibly well and there are thousands of men who enjoy using them.

Battery-Operated Personal Massagers:
There are different vibrators crafted in every possible shape known to woman, from unusual contours and cute little lady bugs to vibrating silver bullets and even vinyl hummingbirds. Some of these hold up well and are made by reputable companies.

Flying High:
When viewed through X-ray, vibrators can resemble detonating devices on bombs. Airport security will make you open up purses, briefcases and suitcases that have vibrators in them. Resist informing them about what your vibrator does and doesn’t detonate.

Dildos

Vibrators have become so socially acceptable that most department and drug stores display them. Few manufacturers mention why people buy vibrators, although most of the boxes show scantily clad women using them on their calves. With dildos, there are fewer options for subterfuge and denial. Big stores would be hard-pressed to advertise that dildos help relax tense muscles, although they clearly do. And if people hear a woman say the word “dildo” in a public place, they are more likely to think that she is referring to a politician than to something that gives her pleasure.

The next couple of pages offer enough information about dildos so you won’t be in the dark even if you use them in the dark.

Dildo vs. Penis

It is a biological fact that the human penis, when fully anchored to the human crotch, imposes certain limitations upon a woman’s sexual pleasure that the silicone dildo does not. A real penis can’t be radically flipped upside down without necessitating a trip to the hospital for the man whose body it is or was attached to. There is also the matter of hardness: the male penis isn’t always hard when a woman wants it hard, nor for as long as she might desire. And finally, a penis is not like a car that you can trade in every couple of years. Even if her spouse’s penis might not be the best size and shape to fit her psyche or anatomy, a married woman is pretty well glued to it till death or divorce do they part. Fortunately a woman needn’t ditch the man she loves just because she prefers a Chevy-type penis when nature gave him a Ford or, gulp, a Peel P50. She can purchase a dildo instead.

In Search of the Perfect Dildo

Dildos are made from a large variety of materials, including jade, acrylic, alabaster, latex, leather, glass, brass and wood. However, the most highly regarded dildo material is usually silicone. Silicone has a soft but firm texture with a smooth surface that is durable and easy to clean, although it doesn’t stand up to cuts too well. The silicone material also warms up rather nicely, which is an added plus unless you like cold things in your vagina.

Since there is a fair amount of craftsmanship involved in producing a high-quality dildo, be sure to purchase dildos from places that carry only proven products and take pride in pleasing their customers. Check how long they’ve been in business and how well they support their products. As for dildo particulars, here are a few to consider:

Price:
Expect to pay from $50 to $150 for a good-quality silicone dildo. For instance, rubber dildos have little divots in the surface which make them next to impossible to keep clean. You should always use a condom over them.

Size:
The most important consideration in sizing a dildo is girth. One strategy for determining which width is best for you is suggested by the women at Good Vibrations. They say to buy different-sized zucchinis, carrots or cucumbers that have an inviting girth. Steam or nuke them for just a few seconds so they won’t be cold, wash them, and put condoms over them. Add lubricant and try them in your vagina. Don’t hesitate to use a vegetable peeler to fine tune the girth. When you find one that feels just right, cut it in two and measure the diameter, which will most likely be somewhere between one and two inches. If you are the one who will be inserting the dildo, order one that’s sized just right. However, if a friend will be doing the inserting, consider getting a dildo with a slightly smaller diameter. As for length, a four- to five-inch-long dildo should be just right if you plan to keep it stationary inside your vagina, while a six- to eight-inch length might be easier to handle if you like thrusting.

Shape:
When it comes to dildos, there are plenty of variations within a basic theme. Some dildos are made to look like penises, complete with veins and testicles, some look like dolphins or bears, and some have ridges. Dildos also have different-sized heads. With a small amount of effort, you are likely to find the dildo of your dreams.

Lubrication:
No matter how wet you might be, it’s best to lubricate the dildo and yourself before inserting, but don’t lose track of where you put the tube of lube. You may need to add more as you go. If it’s a silicone dildo, don’t use silicone-based lube. It can melt the silicone toy.

What to Do With It:
Women don’t necessarily use dildos for thrusting in and out. A woman might like a dildo to be stationary inside her vagina while she uses her fingers or a vibrator, or while a partner provides her with oral or anal attention. Or she might enjoy running the dildo up and down between her labia.

Numbers:
Some women have one favorite dildo; others have dildos of different shapes and sizes for every day of the week.

Clean:
Dildos should be washed and dried after each use. If not properly cleaned, the porous surface of some dildos will grow microorganisms that are best not introduced or reintroduced into your body. If you are sharing sex toys, sterilize your dildo with hydrogen peroxide, rubbing alcohol or a light bleach solution (nine parts water to one part bleach).

Anal Play:
If you use the dildo in your bum, be sure to wash it with soap and water before putting it into a vagina. Better yet, slap a condom on it before it goes up anyone’s rear. Also, limit your anal play to dildos with a flanged end or use a butt plug which won’t get lost up your rear end (bum bummer). People who enjoy both anal and vaginal penetration are wise to have dedicated dildos for each orifice.

Dildo Harnesses:
Dildos with a flared base can be worn in harnesses which make them appear like erect penises. With a moderate amount of skill and effort, the person wearing the harness can use the dildo to penetrate a partner. This can be disappointing, though, because the dildo isn’t connected to the wearer’s nervous system like a real flesh-and-blood penis and she can’t feel what the dildo is feeling. (Talk about an existential crisis!) Nonetheless, there are plenty of couples, both straight and lesbian, who enjoy using a dildo in a harness. The best harnesses are made of leather or nylon webbing. The actual geometry of harness construction and fastener application can be tricky; call or e-mail the sex-toy store for advice about the do’s and don’ts of dildo-harness buying and wearing. Also, there are other kinds of dildo harnesses such as those that fit on the thigh. Users of these marvel at the versatility of such an arrangement and claim that the human penis should have been attached to the thigh of the male rather than between his legs. There is even a dildo mounted on a beach ball that a person can bounce up and down on.

Dildo Harnesses for Inner Wear:
Let’s say you’re shopping at the supermarket or have a hot date and want to spice things up a bit. Now you can do it with your favorite dildo inside your vagina and no one will ever know unless you want them to. That’s because they now make dildo harnesses that hold the dildo inside a vagina so it won’t pop out when you are seeing patients or when making a special presentation to that hugely important client who just flew in from Algiers.

Doubles?
A double dildo is worn in a harness, with one end going up the wearer’s vagina and the other end sticking out in front like a penis. There are a couple of highly rated double dildos on the market.

Full-Court Press:
Some women like to be penetrated in both the front and the rear at the same time. In lieu of doing a double penetration with a threesome, the dildo can penetrate one gate while her partner fills the other.

Techno Dildo:
Some dildos are motorized and move in circles. Some have vibrating appendages that can be parked over the clitoris.

Beware Of Gumby-Like Dildos:
Some dildos are embedded with wire rods to help keep whatever shape the person bends them into. Be aware that if the wire separates from the dildo material, it will become embedded in the wall of your vagina or rectum.

Menopause:
Masturbating with a dildo fully inserted might help some menopausal women without partners to keep their vaginas in good shape.

Suction Cups:
There are even dildos with suction cups on the bottom so the woman can stick them on a wall or the floor while she moves her entire body up and down or forward and back while the dildo remains stationary. These can also be planted on the wall as decorations for your dorm room.

Backdoor Men & Women:
Good Vibrations reports that about half of the dildo harnesses they sell are to heterosexual couples in which the woman wears the dildo to do her man in the rear.

Sex-Toy Layering — Dildos & Vibrators

Some women who have never enjoyed masturbating with their fingers or a vibrator go to town once they get the right dildo. The dildo provides an internal fullness that might make it more satisfying when they stimulate the vulva with their fingers or a vibrator.

SEX-TOY LEGAL UPDATE

In 2007, the federal courts declared it is legal for Alabama to ban the sale of devices that are designed or marketed primarily for the stimulation of human genitals (Williams v. Morgan, Eleventh Circuit, February 14, 2007). While sodomy in the privacy of your home is now protected, you can’t buy a sex toy in Alabama to save your soul.

HOWEVER, our gynecology consultant offers a solution that won’t get a Belle busted: “My new favorite item is a vibrating toothbrush. The vibration is a perfect frequency for clitoral stimulation. I remind my patients not to use the bristle side but the back side of the bristles. Travels great, is inexpensive, doesn’t threaten a man’s masculinity...” [This disposable, battery-powered toothbrush she is referring to is from a well-known oral hygiene company. It has bright, multi-colored bristles that pulsate, and is pretty cheap. You can find them wherever toothbrushes are sold!]