The Guide to Getting It On (30 page)

Backseat Groping

There are several kinds of finger fucking. One encompasses the hot-and-heavy groping that’s an extension of making out. It’s when a guy gets his hand between a girl’s legs because he can and because there’s all kinds of passion and kissing and drooling going on. It’s all about the moment. You don’t need a chapter on that.

What follows is about learning how to please a woman with your fingertips. It’s nothing you do in the dark or while you are stoned or drunk. The first dozen times, it requires lights, looking, and lots of feedback. And if all of the stars are lined up just right, and if she’s finally forgotten how your eyes nearly popped out of your head when you met her seriously hot friend six weeks ago, you might just end up giving her incredible amounts of pleasure.

Altered Process, Altered Goals

The first thing to do is to banish the usual guy-goal of giving a girl an orgasm. She’ll have one if she has one: maybe you’ll be the medium, maybe not.

With the kind of finger fucking that’s in this chapter, you’ll try to help her walk along the edge of something intense and sweet for longer than she may have with a guy before. It’s something she might do when she’s masturbating, but not necessarily with a man. While the orgasm at the end of the rainbow is always a worthy goal, sometimes goals can get in the way.

This chapter asks you to stop trying to orchestrate an “Oh-my-God-I’m-Coming!” type of orgasm. The experience you are going for is different from the kind of fast blast that you get when you are jerking off, which is great for a guy but sometimes doesn’t reach the full spectrum for a girl.

NOTE:
You might find inconsistencies in this chapter. Some of the top researchers in the world are still trying to make sense of the relationship between what’s happening in a woman’s crotch and the feelings in her mind.

Coaching, Patience & Practice

“I had to learn how to touch her clit... I can remember being clumsy about it early on. She’d have to stop me — I was going too fast, going too hard. I can remember her saying, ‘You’re in the wrong place.’ ‘Well, show me where. I mean physically, show me. Rub so I can see it. OK, now I understand.’ Over time, I’ve learned where the places are. I can find them in the dark now. But early on I couldn’t.... She would take my hand, or my finger, and she would put it right exactly where it was supposed to be, and she’d move it the way she wanted me to move it, and she would apply pressure to the back of my fingers, the amount of pressure she wanted, until I got the hang of it, and then she would take her hand away. If I got out of sync or something, she’d put her hand back and show me until I got it right. A few weeks later I might need some re-education, so she’d show me again.” —From
Sex: An Oral History,
by Harry Maurer, Viking.

First, try to learn how to do your sweetheart in the same way that she does herself, assuming she does herself. Start by making an agreement with her that she will provide lots of coaching and patience, and you will provide an eager willingness to learn.

Also take heart in knowing that hands that are used to throwing a baseball, digging with a shovel, or torquing down engine bolts tend to get frustrated when it comes to finessing a woman’s genitals; and that’s only part of it. There’s the additional matter of knowing when to speed up, slow down, push softer or harder, or stay your course. It requires patience and practice.

See the following illustrations of ways that women use their fingers when they masturbate.

Handling a Penis vs. Touching a Clitoris

“I’ve seen a couple of guys masturbate. I can’t believe how rough they are with themselves!”
female age 26

The reason why this woman can’t believe how “rough” we guys are with ourselves is because she would never dream of finessing her genitals in that way. Think of how you squeeze or wag your penis when you are finished peeing. Try approaching a clitoris with that kind of careless abandon, and you are likely to be a dead man.

It’s usually fine to handle a penis that’s not aroused. A man doesn’t feel pain when he does this, and he rarely minds it when a partner strokes or handles his penis when it is not aroused, which it will soon become. But that isn’t how it usually works with a clitoris. It’s best if a woman is sexually aroused before you touch her clitoris. If she’s aroused, the right kind of touch can feel wonderful. Otherwise, it can feel painful.

Try a Little Tenderness

“When women moan or gasp, it encourages me to press harder or faster on the clit. Always with poor results.”
male age 41

When it comes to touching a woman’s clit, always err on the side of tenderness. Assume that softer is better. Push just hard enough to move the skin back and forth over the shaft of the clitoris, assuming you can find the shaft of the clitoris. And don’t even get near the naked glans of the clitoris until you’ve paid your respects to her inner thighs, larger lips and mons pubis. A clitoris should be your last stop.

If you put your fingertip under the hood of the clitoris and on its glans or tip, you will want to be sure that you have put lots of lube on it first. The tip of the clitoris is often more sensitive than any single part of the penis. You don’t want the rough skin of your fingers rubbing across it. This is why you should gently push and pull on the clitoral hood and labia (lips). It depends on the woman, how sensitive her clitoris is, and on how sexually aroused she is.

There are other kinds of genital massage where your lover may want you to be more vigorous. You’ll learn as you go.

Showing Instead of Telling

Be aware that a woman’s understanding of her own sexuality is sometimes on a body level and may have few words. Getting all frustrated and yelling “Just tell me” does absolutely no good. She probably would if she could, but it’s like asking someone to tell you the meaning of life. She may simply have to show you by putting her own hands over yours and guiding your fingers as they go. Or she might say, “Keep trying different ways—I’ll let you know when it feels right” or “Maybe my clit wouldn’t be so shy if you didn’t press quite so hard...” or “Try it here.”

Also keep in mind that a woman might say “harder” when she actually means faster, or vice versa. And never make the mistake of thinking that if a little pressure feels good, a lot of pressure will send her through the ceiling. This is true, minus the metaphor. Guys also reason that if slow feels good, fast will feel even better. This kind of thinking does not work when you’ve got your fingers between your lover’s legs. If faster is what she wants, work on establishing signals that will let you know.

Mix-ups will happen. You can get really frustrated. But it’s not like anybody is going to die or lose their job because you confused harder with faster. After all, you have your hands between a woman’s legs. Be happy.

Intrigue along the Inseam

In matters of love and sex, it never hurts for a guy to give his fingers a sense of humor. Fingertips that tease and dance will find an especially warm welcome. Gently running your fingertips up and down a woman’s inner thigh is about a zillion times more enticing than shoving your middle finger up her crotch. When she’s ready to have your fingers inside of her, she will let you know in no uncertain terms, and even then it’s sometimes wise to hold back and tease and play some more.

Instruments of Pleasure or Weapons of Mass Destruction?

Make sure there are no rough edges on your fingernails. Get yourself a pair of nail clippers and a fingernail file. Keep your fingernails smooth and clean. Try to pry out any grease or dark gunk that’s under them. And if your hands are rough, put hand lotion on them every day.