The Guide to Getting It On (23 page)

“Like an energy emanating in the soles of my feet, up the back of my legs, in and through my rear end, to my belly button, and out through my balls and penis. Awesome, warm, exhausting.”
male age 26

“When I’m getting close, it feels like every ounce of fluid in my body has been forced into my penis. My whole body is in anticipation of the moment when my penis can no longer take the incredible pressure and bursts. Flames envelope the entire thing and the shock reverberates throughout my entire body.”
male age 25

“Orgasm makes me feel very connected to my lover, like I’m becoming a part of her.”
male age 39

“It feels like all your vital matter collects in your penis and then shoots out of you!”
male age 22

For women: What does an orgasm feel like?

“Every orgasm I have is different! Sometimes I feel like I’m just melting, floating away. Sometimes I feel like I’m running or pushing into the orgasm. Sometimes an orgasm will sneak up on me; other times I will be able to control its arrival and duration.”
female age 45

“All my orgasms seem to be the same beast, but with varying levels of intensity from ‘Gosh, was that it?’ to an ache so sharp it’s almost hard to bear. My most intense orgasms tend to come from using a vibrator but, oddly enough, they’re not always the most satisfying.”
female age 36

“Orgasms range for me from a simple response in my genitals, without much sensation and even some numbness, to a mind-blowing, explosive force of nature that permeates my whole body, mind, and emotions, encircles my partner and fills the room around us. Sometimes it’s the physical sensations that are the most intense part of orgasm; other times it’s the emotional quality and being with my partner that take top billing. Even when the physical sensation isn’t very intense, I generally feel much more whole and integrated after an orgasm.”
female age 47

Your first orgasm?

“With a vibrator at age 38. Finally!!!”
female age 49

“It didn’t happen until seven months after my first sexual experience. I had no idea what was happening. We were through having sex. When I began to put my clothes back on, I started to tingle and fluids started flowing out. It felt great, but I was actually kind of scared and embarrassed.”
female age 21

“I had an electric shaver that had an attachment which was a massager. After about an hour of moving it around on my clit (and praying that the pillow between my legs was muffling the sounds so my parents didn’t hear) I had an orgasm. I’d already had sex many times with my boyfriend, but I felt like I was really sinning now!”
female age 25

“I didn’t really know what I was doing. I was about 10 or 11 and discovered this new feeling when I rubbed this silky part of my blanket over my penis, so I kept doing it. Eventually I got this intense feeling in my groin and then there was this goop everywhere. I was completely freaked and grossed out. I thought that I broke myself, but was too afraid to tell my parents.”
male age 24

“My first orgasm took place at age 18, when my fiancé introduced me, despite my initial revulsion and disbelief, to the delights of cunnilingus. I thought he was depraved. I was sure I was going straight to hell. I couldn’t wait for it to happen again!”
female age 55

“I had my first orgasm during one of my first menstrual periods. The feeling of a clean pad against my genitals made me feel a warmth I had never experienced before. I rubbed against it to see if I could prolong the sensation, although I had no idea what the sensation was. I just knew it felt good!”
female age 45

“I didn’t know what was going on. My body felt like it was convulsing. I tried not to let the guy know this was happening. I didn’t know at the time I was supposed to let myself go and enjoy it.”
female age 26

“The first one I had was clitoral—it tickled (I was probably 10). The second type of orgasm I had was when I was 20. I felt it more in my vagina. It was overwhelmingly emotional and I came in a flood, and I do mean flood. I thought I had peed all over my partner. Now I have both kinds of orgasms. I get to pick, let’s see, lobster or steak?”
female age 26

“My first orgasm was when I was making out in the back seat of a car. I was on top of my boyfriend and there was a lot of bumping and grinding going on, and I just climaxed, with my clothes on.”
female age 49

“I was surprised by how sensitive my clit was, but I wasn’t sure the actual orgasm was an orgasm because it didn’t seem nearly as explosive as what happened in the bodice-rippers I’d been reading. I couldn’t believe I’d gone through all this work for that. Happily, many years of practice improved the results!”
female age 36

“Age 20. One morning before arising I was idly rubbing my clit and fantasizing, and from out of nowhere excitement began building more intensely than it ever had before. I rubbed myself quite vigorously and for a very long time, until suddenly there was a mind-blowing explosion. I was certain that everyone in the house figured out what I was doing. I was very embarrassed. However, I repeated the experience every night—it took over an hour of heavy-duty stimulation at first.”
female age 51

“My first orgasm was by a male friend (not a lover). I told him that sex was not that great. He used his fingers to teach me what it could feel like. I remember thinking ‘Oh God, this is an orgasm!’ ”
female age 48

Dear Paul,

My girlfriend doesn’t like me to play with her breasts, and the only way she can have an orgasm is when I give her oral sex. My former girlfriend didn’t like me to give her oral sex, but sometimes had an orgasm from breast stimulation alone. Both women enjoy sex, but seem so different. How come?
—
Confused in Kalamazoo

Dear Confused,

For some people, you play with their breasts, and BOOM! their genitals are on fire. For others, you are better off reading them their constitutional rights.

As for why the different responses, I’d like to share with you an idea that is being proposed by Herbert Otto, author of
Liberated Orgasm.
He feels that the kind of orgasms we experience are in part determined by what our culture teaches us to expect.

For instance, in the 1950s, a lot of teenagers enjoyed extended kissing and petting sessions, but intercourse before marriage was seriously frowned upon. So a woman who was a teenager in the 1950s might have learned to have orgasms from necking and nipple-play sessions in the front seat of a car—without a single touch or lick below the belt. This same woman’s unmarried granddaughter pays no social price for messing around with her pants off. She has read
Cosmo
since she was 12 and feels that nothing short of a partner’s mouth welded to her clitoris is going to give her an orgasm. And so her body responds differently than her grandmother’s. Of course, this doesn’t explain why your former girlfriend doesn’t like oral sex, unless she’s your current girlfriend’s grandmother.

There are dozens of other reasons why one partner might prefer attention above the waist while another prefers it below. In responding to your question, I’ve focused on some of the less-obvious factors that sometimes play a role.

Now, did you ever wonder if your girlfriend has written in asking why YOU like something one way while her former lover liked it another way?

CHAPTER

10

The Orgasm Talk

T
here are a lot of talks about a lot of things. But the one talk people almost never have is the orgasm talk which is an honest discussion about orgasms rather than just “Did you come?”

The lack of conversation makes perfectly good sense. We live in a culture that’s so at war with its sexuality that it spends almost as much money on abstinence-only sex education as it does on hardcore porn. The love we make is sometimes the bastard child of these two extremes. It’s a frantic attempt to get into each other’s pants while avoiding deeper meanings and possibilities.

As you will notice in the pages ahead, it doesn’t have to be that way. Sex can be even more fun after you have the orgasm talk.

Why Women’s Orgasms, Rather than Men’s, Are a Lovemaking Trophy

The male orgasm is usually a given. In fact, women will sometimes freak out if a man doesn’t come from a blow job, even though they know that men don’t always orgasm from oral sex. You’d think they would be jumping for joy at getting to avoid the “Do I have to swallow?” dilemma. Instead they worry something is wrong.

Women who are masturbating will usually have orgasms in the same amount of time as men do. It’s only when you throw a partner into the mix that women’s orgasms can become an endangered species.

While men’s and women’s orgasms usually feel the same, men’s orgasms announce themselves with a fluid and sticky fanfare. Not so for women’s orgasms. Men are often at the mercy of women to inform them if they did or didn’t have an orgasm. Otherwise, men would never need to ask, “Was it good for you?”

These are some of the differences that make the occurrence of men’s orgasms pedestrian, while women’s are a topic of conversation.

Is the Lack of Orgasm a Deal Breaker for Women?

By the time you finish reading this book, you’ll be sick of hearing that if the only reason a woman wants sex is for an orgasm, she’d be ahead of the curve if she sent her partner off to play video games with his friends and took matters into her own hands.

It’s the elusive nature of women’s orgasms during partner sex that elevates the female orgasm to the realm of the lovemaking holy grail. Adding further to the mystery for men is how women do not associate satisfaction during sex with having an orgasm. The mere idea of sex being satisfying without an orgasm is a foreign concept for most men.

In our own sex survey, we ask women if they had to choose between receiving really good oral sex and having intercourse, what would they prefer. The vast majority say they’d rather have intercourse. They orgasm more frequently with oral sex, but prefer the intimacy and full body contact of intercourse. Plus, some women say they are more present during intercourse, while oral sex tends to transport them into a different dimension of time and space.

On the other hand, women fiercely complain when a partner is not concerned about their orgasms.

Hopefully you are starting to see how helpful it can be for women to discuss with their partners what they do and don’t consider to be a satisfying sexual experience.

Men Often View Orgasms One Way, Women Another

When a man fails to have an orgasm during sex, he will probably feel that sex was a failure or that it didn’t qualify as sex. He will often assume that women feel the same way if they don’t have an orgasm.

Women may have a different view of orgasms. Researchers are finding that women split the orgasm issue into separate male and female roles. They view the male’s role as needing to provide them with enough physical stimulation to cause an orgasm. However, they think it’s their responsibility to be in the right mental space to enable themselves to have an orgasm. If a woman can’t get in the right mental place, she figures it’s her own fault and not his.