The Guarded Heart (15 page)

Chapter 40

Time slowed and the ten minute ride to Clint’s house became an ordeal. They watched the city rush past them as their fingers twined together on the seat between them and Clint’s other hand tapped his thigh anxiously. When the car finally stopped, Clint blindly tossed cash at the driver as Ryder slid out then hurried after him. His hands shook so bad, he fumbled his phone and it took three attempts to enter the code to open the door. As soon as they were through and it shut behind them, Clint reached for Ryder as he crashed into him.

Barkley streaked across the room like a bolt of lightning and whined as he jumped at Ryder’s legs. Ryder gasped as he pushed away from Clint and dropped to his knees as he gathered Barkley in his arms. Clint tapped his foot impatiently as Ryder laughed and gushed about how much he missed Barkley as Barkley licked his face. Clint rolled his eyes and refused to feel jealous because Barkley never licked his face when he came home.

“Could we save the rest for later?” Clint asked loudly and Ryder looked up and offered a sheepish grin. Clint gave him a pointed look. “We were kind of in the middle of something,” he complained as he gestured down his body at the very insistent hard-on pushing against the front of his jeans.

“You go hang out, I’ll see you later,” Ryder whispered as he set Barkley on the floor. Barkley gave Clint a hard look before he turned and ran back to the couch. “Sorry. Where were we?” He asked as he reached for Clint and laughed as Clint tackled him.

Hands tugged, clawed and pushed as they frantically unbuttoned, unzipped and flung clothes. Their lips and tongues dueled as they stumbled through the house leaving a trail of pants, shirts and shoes. They fell onto the bed and Clint rolled and pushed off the mattress and stared down at Ryder. He laughed as euphoric lust pushed through his veins then dropped his face into the corner of Ryder’s neck and sighed in delight as his tongue glided up his throat and his body covered Ryder’s. He shut his eyes as Ryder wrapped around him and ground his hips and their erections connected. Heat. Heat. Heat. Need. Heavy, swirling pleasure pooled in Clint’s groin as he slid his hands between Ryder’s back and the bed and filled his hands with the tight globes of Ryder’s ass.

“Only you, Ryder,” he panted as he rocked his hips and swept his tongue along Ryder’s collar bone. “Only you could feel like this,” Clint breathed as he swung his head to Ryder’s other shoulder and bit and sucked before he swept lower and traced the hollow between his pecs. Ryder hissed as his fingers twisted in Clint’s hair and he arched beneath him.

“I never thought I’d feel this again,” Ryder whispered and his feet slid restlessly on the bed as Clint’s tongue swirled around his nipple. “Oh, fuck… Clint,” he huffed as his fingers dug into Clint’s back. Clint flicked at the tip with his tongue and Ryder bucked beneath him and swore. Clint chuckled hoarsely as he laved then sucked hard. “Jesus!” Ryder gasped as he twisted in Clint’s arms and Ryder’s cock was so hot and hard as it pressed against Clint’s stomach. It burned against his flesh and Clint’s jaw twinged as his mouth watered and he knew that Ryder would taste like a hundred perfect mornings and countless impatient, skin scorching fucks.

“You have no idea how many times I dreamt of this,” Clint murmured against Ryder’s stomach as his hand curved around Ryder’s cock and slowly worshiped his length.

“I know,” Ryder promised as he writhed on the bed. “Please, Clint,” he begged weakly and Clint’s eyes watered as warmth billowed in his chest. He set his lips to Ryder’s flesh and relief and hunger streaked through him. A weak sob slipped from Ryder’s throat as his hands gently curved around Clint’s head. Clint pressed his tongue to the base of Ryder’s shaft and slowly lapped up the length of it, savoring the delicate, clean taste of Ryder’s skin. A tear rolled down Clint’s cheek and he tasted it as he took Ryder into his mouth and sucked. “Yes!” It shivered and hung in the air as Clint’s lips slid down Ryder’s erection. Clint raised his head and Ryder’s shoulders came off the bed as his head lolled on the pillows. “Clint…Clint…Clint…” Ryder chanted hoarsely as Clint sucked and licked greedily. The taste of Ryder’s pre-cum flooded his mouth and it was so much sweeter than he remembered. “Fuck me, Clint,” Ryder whispered urgently as he reached for Clint’s shoulders. Clint raised his head and his mouth opened and closed repeatedly as he argued with himself. He wanted to fuck Ryder so bad, he thought he might die if he didn’t. The only thing he wanted more was for Ryder to fuck him. He couldn’t think of any way to accomplish both at the same time so he groaned in defeat as he crawled over Ryder’s body.

“I forgot how demanding you can be,” he teased then dropped a kiss on Ryder’s lips before he leaned away and reached for the bedside table. He had to push a few magazines out of the way but his fingers eventually found the condoms and lube. Clint’s fingers shook as they ripped open the wrapper and he had to take a steadying breath as he stroked lube over his erection. “Do you need me to…?” He asked as he nipped at Ryder’s lips and he shook his head.

“Now. Please!” He urged as he pulled at Clint and bucked beneath him. Clint shushed him soothingly as he settled between Ryder’s thighs and nudged against his puckered hole. Ryder was too tight as Clint pushed into his gripping heat and Clint squeezed his eyes shut and clenched his jaw as he forced his body to wait. Ryder’s breath wafted against Clint’s cheek and he could feel Ryder’s heart beating against his chest. Clint slowly rolled his hips and his body finally felt whole as he thrust deep into Ryder.

“I need you,” Clint moaned into the corner of Ryder’s neck as his fingers pushed into Ryder’s hair. “I need you so much,” he whispered as his hips tilted back and Ryder’s legs wrapped around him and his heels dug into Clint’s ass as he pulled him back into his heat. “Need you,” he breathed as he filled Ryder with slow, driving thrusts.

Ryder’s lips found Clint’s and they cried and gasped against each other’s tongues as they struggled to get closer. Their bodies fused and heat licked at their nerves as their skin became slick and their fingers slipped and gripped frantically. Ryder’s head snapped back and he hauled in a shuddering breath as his body twisted in Clint’s arms and his eyes rolled as he became paralyzed. Liquid heat erupted between them as he trembled and thrashed beneath Clint. The tightness became almost unbearable as Ryder’s ass clenched around Clint and he screamed as he buried his cock deep in Ryder’s passage. He arched as his nerves flickered then exploded and come rushed from the head of his cock and scorched his skin as it filled the condom. He hissed and shivered violently as he waited for his flaring nerves to settle. Clint collapsed on Ryder and his eyes became heavy as he buried his face in the corner of Ryder’s neck. Ryder’s arms tightened around Clint and a leg locked around his hip as Clint’s fingers brushed through Ryder’s beard lazily.

“I love you,” Clint sighed and his lips curved as everything faded.

Chapter 41

Ryder’s eyes fluttered open and his lips curved drowsily as he glanced at the bedside table and he saw the edge of a paisley pillow sham. Clint’s bed. His smile spread as he pulled the sheet over his shoulder and burrowed into Clint’s fluffy pillows.

“Hey. Do you want something to eat?” Clint murmured as he nibbled Ryder’s shoulder. Ryder’s eyes snapped open and he cringed.
Clint’s bed. Fuck my life. What have I done?
He shook his head then rolled onto his back and Clint was resting on his elbows. Ryder stayed very still as Clint leaned over him and dropped a kiss on his lips. “Want to run to your place and grab a few things?” He asked and Ryder was on his feet.

“No. I need to go,” he said as he turned and looked for his clothes. He spotted his boxer briefs and dove for them.

“Why? It’s not even 5:00, we have all weekend,” Clint argued and Ryder’s mouth fell open.

“5:00! It didn’t feel like that long,” he said as he dropped onto the edge of the bed and pulled on his briefs. He felt the mattress dip and jumped up before Clint could reach him.

“What’s wrong?” Clint asked as he swung his legs over the side of the bed and stretched and Ryder could only stare in disbelief.

“We shouldn’t have done this. It’s too soon,” he explained and Clint frowned as he rested his hands on his hips.

“Why? It was incredible,” he argued and Ryder groaned as he pushed his hand through his hair.

“Can you give me a ride home?” He asked and Clint’s lips pulled tight and Ryder waved dismissively. “Never mind. I’ll call Shannon or get a cab,” he said as he rushed into the hall and snatched his pants off the floor.

“I’ll give you a ride but I don’t understand why you’re freaking out,” Clint said as he followed. Still naked.

“All of this was confusing enough before we had sex,” Ryder complained as he hopped into his jeans. “I need to process all of this. I don’t know what any of this means,” he said as he zipped and Clint sighed as his arms wrapped around Ryder’s shoulders.

“It wasn’t just sex and it means whatever you want it to mean,” he said soothingly against Ryder’s ear and he felt like he was melting as he leaned back against Clint.
No!
Ryder jumped and shook his head.

“I just need a little time. What does ‘
it means whatever you want it to mean’
mean?” He felt like he was speaking in riddles and shook his head again and Clint held his hands up.

“It means that we can go over to your place and start moving all of your stuff over here this weekend. It means we can go to the courthouse or some Buddhist temple or stand on a mountain and get married in whatever kind of ceremony you want. It means we can impregnate a lesbian or adopt babies…” he paused when Ryder waved his hands wildly at Clint.

“Stop! What are you doing? You never wanted kids,” he said and Clint nodded.

“I do now,” he said and Ryder’s brows pulled together.
What the fuck is going on?
He backed away as Clint moved closer. “I didn’t. Then I would wonder if you were starting over with someone else and I imagined you with kids and I wanted them to be ours. I didn’t want you to have that life without me,” Clint explained and pain streaked through Ryder. He pressed his hands to his face to muffle a scream.

“Why couldn’t you have realized all of this before?” He asked loudly as he pulled away. He grabbed his shirt off the counter and pushed his arm through the sleeve. “Everything’s so complicated now,” Ryder argued and Clint shushed him as he pulled him close.

“It doesn’t have to be. Decide what you want and I’ll give it to you,” Clint said and Ryder shut his eyes so he wouldn’t see the hurt or disappointment.

“There was someone else,” he whispered and he felt Clint tense.

“What?” He asked softly and Ryder nodded as he looked down.

“I hated how alone I felt and I thought that if I moved on, it would be easier,” he said and he felt Clint sag. “I dated someone and we lived together for almost six months,” Ryder stated and Clint nodded.

“What happened?” He asked and Ryder laughed softly.

“It didn’t work. I thought he’d push you out and I’d get over you but it was never right. I kept pretending it was working until I couldn’t anymore. I was selfish and I hurt someone really good and special,” he admitted. When he looked up Clint smiled softly as his hand slid around Ryder’s jaw.

“I’m really sorry and I understand,” he said and Ryder wasn’t sure if he should laugh or cry.

“I don’t know what’s going on!” He said and Clint sighed heavily as he pressed his forehead to Ryder’s.

“None of this would have happened if I hadn’t taken you for granted. I shouldn’t have let you go. I should have made sure you knew that I love you and that you’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me,” Clint said and Ryder hated how bad he wanted all of it to be real and he hated how scared he was that it was too late.

“Saying you were wrong and telling me what I want to hear won’t undo everything that happened, Clint,” he said and his voice broke. Clint’s lips pressed against his and Ryder could taste their tears.

“You used to believe in being optimistic and giving everyone a chance,” he whispered and Ryder shook his head.

“I used to but I let go of all of that,” Ryder said and Clint’s face fell. “You used to say that positive thinking and second chances were wasted on some people and one day I realized you were right,” he said as he stepped back and Clint’s hands dropped and he looked crushed.

“No,” he begged. “Don’t be cynical and tired,” Clint said as he rubbed the back of his neck. “I regret so much but if I did that to you, I’ll never forgive myself. You were so good and so perfect.” His eyes were tortured as they met Ryder’s.

“I get it and I forgive you,” he said and Clint’s face started to relax and Ryder shook his head. “I wasn’t perfect but I miss who I was before,” he stated and Clint moaned as he reached for him but Ryder stepped out of his reach. “I need to go. If you want to give me a ride, great. If not, I’ll walk until I can find a cab,” Ryder said as he went into the living room and found his shoes.

“Ryder…” Clint pleaded and Ryder shook his head as he tied his laces.

“I have a lot to think about,” he said as he tried to push past Clint but his hand locked around Ryder’s wrist.

“Give me a minute to put on some clothes and grab my keys,” he said and Ryder nodded.

As soon as Clint disappeared into the hall Ryder slipped out the front door and shut it silently behind him.

Chapter 42

“Promise me you’ll call me tonight,” Clint said as he pulled a sweatshirt over his head as he walked down the hall. “Ryder?” He spun as he scanned the living room and the kitchen then swore as he dashed for the counter and grabbed his keys. “Come on, come on, come on!” He begged as he waited for the garage door to open then backed out like a lunatic before putting the car in Drive.

It didn’t take long to catch up with Ryder. Clint honked but he kept walking. Clint followed as Ryder went around the corner and put on his hazards as he pulled into traffic. Cars honked as they dodged Clint but they barely registered, he was so focused on Ryder and frantically trying to think of anything he could say that might help. Ryder finally threw his hands up and stopped after about a mile of angry drivers. Clint pulled over and his fingers tapped nervously on the wheel as Ryder opened the door and dropped into the seat then crossed his arms over his chest and stared straight ahead.

Clint’s heart hammered in his ears for three ponderous beats before he reached for Ryder’s face. He held on tight and ignored the hands that pushed against his chest as his lips covered Ryder’s. He kissed Ryder until he stopped fighting then put his soul into soothing him. The kiss slowed until it was achingly tender. Their lips clung and their breaths mingled as the sky grew darker. Clint couldn’t think of anything to say and sighed as he raised his head and slowly pulled away from Ryder. He started the car and prayed for inspiration as he drove.

Nothing came to him and a heavy dread filled Clint as he pulled into a parking spot in front of Ryder’s apartment. He turned as Ryder released a loud, shuddering breath then Ryder gasped as his face crumpled and a muffled sob burst from him as he covered his face with his hands and slouched in his seat. Clint cried his name as he reached for Ryder and pulled him against his chest. Ryder’s body shook as he threw an arm around Clint’s neck and the dam broke. Clint’s chest heaved as he crushed Ryder against him and he felt tears saturating the front of his sweatshirt. Clint didn’t try to stifle the regret, pain and loneliness that spilled from him as he clutched at Ryder’s body. They were both so broken and Clint knew that if it was the last time he held Ryder, he’d never be whole again.

They remained locked together until their sobs faded into fluttering gasps then exhausted sighs. Ryder slowly pulled away and Clint forced his arms to relax. His eyes searched Ryder’s face, hoping to see some hint of forgiveness but all he saw was emptiness and fatigue. Ryder pressed a fleeting kiss on Clint’s lips then pushed the door open and got out. Clint waited until Ryder disappeared into the building then scrubbed his hands over his face as he considered following. In the end, he decided to give Ryder time. He said everything and they were both wrung out and drained.

Clint prayed it was enough as he drove home and he had just enough energy to stumble to the couch. He collapsed face down on the cushions and his lips curved weakly when Barkley jumped onto the seat and curled into a tight ball against Clint’s side.

Barkley woofed softly and Clint’s eyes rolled as he tried to force them to open. He ground the palm of his hand into his eye socket as he sat up and Barkley was alert and wagging his tail excitedly as he stared at the front door. A shape formed on the other side of the frosted glass and Clint’s heart raced as he saw a hand raise and knock. He hauled in a steadying breath as he rose and his hand shook as he reached for the handle. Clint pulled the door open and relief and joy flooded him as his eyes met Ryder’s. He was wearing his faded red hoodie and backpack and Clint decided he’d never let Ryder get rid of them. They were priceless. A soft grin tilted Ryder’s lips and he offered Clint a quick nod before he turned and Clint frowned as he watched Ryder bend over and slowly back through the door as he rolled something over the threshold. The fucking cable spool. Clint stepped back and crossed his arms over his chest as Ryder guided it into the living room. He scooted the leather ottoman aside then set the spool on its base. He stood and rubbed his hands down the sides of his jeans and offered a triumphant nod before turning and heading for the kitchen. He paused to press a quick kiss to Clint’s horrified cheek then pulled off his backpack as he went into the kitchen. Clint’s brows pulled together as he watched Ryder grab a large bowl from the cabinet and set it on the counter before pulling a container of granola and a carton of almond milk from his backpack. He filled the bowl and grabbed a spoon then went into the living room and dropped onto the couch. Ryder sighed happily as he propped his feet on the spool and hugged the bowl against his chest. Clint groaned in defeat then made his way to the couch. He bent and inhaled happily as he kissed Ryder’s hair then chuckled softly as he stood.

“The dish soap stays in the kitchen,” he declared as he went to hunt for something to eat and he heard Ryder snort.

“We’ll see about that,” he murmured and Clint rolled his eyes as he pulled the refrigerator door open.