The Doctor's Medicine Woman (9 page)

She remained statue-still.

“If that’s so…” He let the words hang in the air while he sighed heavily. “If that’s so, then that’s very sad for him. Because that means he wasn’t able to look past your genetic profile to see the real you. The person inside. The wise and wonderful woman that you are.”

A flicker of reaction. An almost imperceptible narrowing of her eyes. It was enough to set his heart hammering against his ribs.

“But what’s saddest about the situation,” he said, “is that you were hurt by that worthless son of a—” The magnitude of his sudden swell of anger made him stop short and he pressed his lips together tightly, letting the rest of his thought go unspoken. He paused and consciously released the fury in a small puff of breath. Only then, did he continue. “I think you were made to feel as if you weren’t worth having. And that just isn’t so.”

She actually blinked then. However, doubt still shadowed her gaze.

“Now, I don’t know how you came to the conclusion that I only wanted you because you’re Kolheek, but that argument is like a sieve that won’t hold water because—” here he let his voice grow soft “—honey…I’m Kolheek, too.”

“But you haven’t experienced what it means to be
Indian,” she told him in a rush, evidently thinking that this somehow substantiated her thoughts. “I can give the boys—”

His frown was deep as he stopped her with an upraised hand. “You think this has something to do with Josh and Jared?” He straightened in the chair. “Honey, what I’m feeling for you—what we feel for each other—has absolutely nothing to do with the boys. And if you’re honest with yourself, honest about the emotions we’ve been experiencing, you’ll admit that I’m right.”

Stubbornness firmed her chin, her lips compressing with her obvious refusal to agree with him. Okay, he thought, so she wasn’t going to admit it out loud. But he knew she was slowly and silently coming to acknowledge his claim. Her resolve was cracking. He could see it in her eyes.

“I won’t sit here and try to make you think,” he said, “that your being Kolheek has nothing to do with what I’m feeling. Because it may have a lot to do with it.”

She blanched, and for a moment it was clear that she meant to close herself off from him again. But before she could wall up every bit of herself from him, he reached out and touched her sleeve.

“You are the most beautiful woman I’ve ever met.” The fabric of her blouse felt whispery-soft under his fingertips as he slid his hand up her forearm and then back down to her wrist. “Meeting you. Hearing the things you have to say about—” He cut off the thought, but then forced himself to say “—about
our
people has opened up a whole new world for me. You make me feel as if I’ve…I don’t
know. As if I’ve found refuge. As if the possibility for vindication is…is…available.” Immediately he corrected, “Not only available, but
imminent.
”

The bewilderment wrinkling her brow gave him pause.

“Vindication?” When she shook her head, a lock of her silky black hair fell across the back of his hand.

Travis moistened his suddenly dry lips. “You see…”

He stopped. Took a deep breath. What he was about to reveal wasn’t going to be easy. He’d never told anyone what he’d done all those years ago. But now he felt a tremendous need to confess. He needed Diana to know and understand. But he wanted so desperately to tell her everything without offending her in any way.

Start at the beginning,
a small voice echoed from the back of his mind.

“When I was young, we never talked about my mother’s Native American heritage. My heritage. And to this day, I can’t tell you why. My mother refuses to talk about where she came from. Refuses to discuss her family.” He lifted both his hands, palms up, in a gesture meant to convey his bafflement. “Neither I nor my brother ever made a big deal about it. We simply grew up thinking of ourselves as proud Americans. Nothing more. Nothing less.”

Reaching up, he pinched his chin between his fingers and averted his gaze, unwilling to witness the disappointment in her eyes when she discovered his folly. “However, when I was a senior in high school,
I was encouraged by a guidance counselor to use my Native American race as an edge when applying to colleges. An edge that would open more doors for me where educational scholarships were concerned. I desperately wanted to attend college. And medical school. So I did it. I used my Native American heritage.” He swallowed, then leveled his gaze on her. “And I feel guilty as hell about it.”

Confusion continued to mar her forehead and cloud her gaze. “But—”

“I certainly meant no disrespect,” he blurted. “And as soon as I was able, I began doing some reading about…about The People.”

Why did that phrase continue to stick in his throat? Maybe because he didn’t feel worthy to be a part of his own rich heritage?

“I contacted the Kolheek reservation,” he continued. “I registered as a member. I…I’ve wanted to be a part of…of…” He shook his head. “But I never felt as if they’d…as if I…”

Frustration got the better of him.

“Travis.”

Her soft voice was like a magnet that drew his gaze to her face.

“You’re speaking as if,” she said, “well, as if you aren’t a part of The People.”

“That’s exactly how I feel. As if I’m an outsider looking in.”

“But your mother is full-blooded Kolheek,” she said. “That makes you Kolheek, too. It doesn’t matter that your mother—for whatever reason—doesn’t want to recognize her Indian heritage. Refusing to honor and appreciate your birthright doesn’t make it
null and void. Your mother is still Kolheek. You are still Kolheek.”

Warmth spread all through his body, and Travis identified it as pure happiness.

“I’ve been slowly coming to that conclusion,” he explained. “And you are the reason that I have. You’ve made me feel that I can be a part of what it means to be Indian. And that…and that I won’t be turned away.”

He noticed that the wary woman who had been sitting before him moments before was gone, and in her place sat the calm counselor, the nurturer, the Medicine Woman who was concerned for nothing but his welfare.

“You think because you haven’t grown up on the reservation,” she said, “that the Kolheek would reject your desire to know more about your ancestry? That we’d decline you access to us?” Her eyes turned gentle. “We couldn’t do that. You are who you are. You’re Kolheek.”

“But—”

“No buts,” she interrupted. “Travis, there are more Kolheek people living off the reservation than on. There are Kolheek living all over this great country of ours. Some living abroad, too. You can’t feel guilty simply because you used who and what you are as an edge. You can’t feel guilty about not knowing much about your history. You’re doing what you can to make up for that.”

He felt grateful for her wonderfully convincing argument.

“In fact,” she continued more softly, “I think that maybe I have an idea. Something that might make
you feel more a part of, more embraced by your ancestry. How would you like to take part in the naming ceremony?”

He didn’t understand. “But, as the boys’ father, won’t I be a part of it all?”

“Of course. But I’m talking about you having your own ceremony. You acquiring your own Kolheek name.”

A chill coursed across his skin and the small hairs at the back of his neck raised. “But isn’t the ceremony just for children?”

One of her shoulders lifted a fraction. “Usually. But aren’t you still in the infancy of discovering your past?”

He couldn’t stop the smile that crept across his mouth, nor could he quell the emotion that misted his eyes. This woman was wonderful. She was astonishing. And he knew at that very instant, that Diana was the woman he wanted to spend the rest of his days with.

“I—I…” He halted, hoping a deep and steady breath would help him to speak around the knots of emotion churning in his chest, rising in his throat. “I’d be honored to have a Kolheek name.”

“Good.”

Her smile was like golden sunshine.

Now, he decided, it was time for him to finish what he’d come up here to say. It was time for him to make her understand.

“Because you came into my home,” he said, “because you were willing to give Josh and Jared the very thing I never had, a solid foundation in Kolheek tradition, because you were willing to instruct me, I
have
begun to realize that I can be a part of it all. I can be proud of my heritage. And that wouldn’t have happened had you been anything else but Kolheek. That’s what I meant when I said just a few moments ago that I can’t say your being Kolheek doesn’t matter.”

Panic paled her beautiful face. Clearly she hadn’t expected the conversation to once again become so intimate so quickly.

“However,” he forced himself to continue, “it isn’t the Indian heritage that attracts me. It’s the woman. It’s the person you are. It’s the caring, loving individual who sets my heart to racing each and every time we’re together.”

He clenched his teeth, scared to death to reveal the full truth, yet determined to go through with it. Now that he’d finally figured out just what Diana meant to him, he wanted her to know exactly how he felt.

“It’s the very essence of you—” his voice sounded rough and grating even to his own ears “—that I’ve come to love. That’s what brought me to the conclusion that we’re soul mates.”

There it was again, he saw. That defensive shield was being raised, like an impenetrable drawbridge meant to safeguard a castle from attack. The Medicine Woman was nowhere to be found. The counselor, the teacher, the mentor was gone. Dissolved like acid-splashed silk.

All he perceived was a frightened woman who seemed desperate to protect herself.

H
e loved her. Oh, heaven forbid. Is that what he’d said?

Yes. Yes, it was. And realizing that made her knees feel like warm rubber. Joy flared inside her chest like bursts of fireworks. Yet at the same time, she seemed overwhelmed with a frenzy of panic.

Deep down, she’d known that she’d been wrong about his motives. Even while she’d been conjuring her misconceptions about why he’d changed his mind, she’d been plagued with a whispery doubt. Her subconscious knew he was an honorable man. And he’d been nothing but right when he’d said he—someone of Native blood—couldn’t be compared to Eric. There’s no way Travis could have meant to use her ethnicity when he was of the same race as she. The idea was ludicrous to say the least.

So why had she misjudged him? Why had she
trumped up those charges against him? Why had she deliberately misconstrued his motives?

She knew why. Oh, she knew why. It was a last-ditch effort to save herself from utter humiliation.

“I’m sorry.” Her apology was exhaled on a murmuring breath. “I’m sorry I hurt you. I’m sorry I accused you of trying to use me. I know it’s not the truth. I know it.”

Chaos whirled in her mind. She didn’t want to reveal her own motives. She didn’t want him—or anyone, for that matter—to know the truth about her.

“I’m actually glad you changed your mind about…” The phrase hovered on the tip of her tongue, and she was afraid she might not be able to bring herself to speak it, but she bolstered herself and said, “Loving relationships.”

The intensity in his shining, crow-wing eyes forced her to look away.

“I had hoped that you would come to see that relationships…well, that they’re a very important part of a person’s life.”

“I do see that now,” he told her.

Still, she was unable to look at him. She felt quivery, off-kilter.

Why? Oh, why was this awful trick being played on her? Why did Travis have to enter her life, plead his love for her, when her only recourse was to deny him? It was like some cruel and inhumane joke.

“I’d believed from the very beginning,” he said, “that fate had brought Jared and Josh into my life.”

“I know you did.”

“I don’t understand how I could have been so
blind to the fact that fate brought
you
into my life, too.”

The silence was stentorian. The very air felt as though it pulsed and throbbed. She lifted her gaze to meet his.

“But fate brought Tara into your life, too. Just as Eric was brought into mine.”

He didn’t hesitate to answer, “She was a test. A lesson. And your ex was your test. Your lesson.”

Diana had known the point she’d attempted to make was thin at best.

“Those relationships were good examples,” he continued, “of what love isn’t.” He chuckled softly. “I guess we’re a little thick. It took us both a while to learn.”

She wished she could join in with his laughter. But the pressure of knowing what she would need to do was weighing heavy on her shoulders.

“Actually,” he said, “I probably wouldn’t have learned at all, if you hadn’t been here to teach me.”

Did he have to be such a remarkable man? Did he have to be so kind and generous? How was she ever going to turn him away?

The task would be easy, she suddenly decided. All she had to do was think of the humiliation she’d suffer if she didn’t. All she had to do was imagine the disappointment she’d eventually see in his eyes if she did anything other than renounce his idea that they were meant to be together. That they were soul mates.

Soul mates.

The phrase rustled through her mind like a warm, gentle breeze through silky hair.

The mere idea that she’d found her great warrior would have to be enough for her. For living without him would be the only way for her to save face. She could live the rest of her life in peace, content in the thought that Providence had not completely shunned her.

“Diana.”

As he spoke her name, he reached out and touched her knee with an intimacy that clipped her breath to the quick. If she didn’t get away from him, away from his dangerous touch, surely she’d suffocate.

“No, Travis.” She brushed his fingers from her, stood and walked to the window. “It cannot be. What you’re looking for from me, I’m not able give.”

She reached out and drew back the sheer curtains and gazed out at the back lawn where she’d enjoyed hours of play with the twins. She’d made wonderful memories here. Memories that would have to sustain her for the rest of her life.

“I don’t know why you’re saying this,” he said.

Diana kept her eyes on the view of the yard and the trees beyond.

“But I suspect it has something to do with your failed marriage. I think you’re suffering from some kind of residue left over from the hurt you received at the hands of your idiot ex-husband.”

She sensed that he shifted his position in the chair.

“Whatever it is, Diana,” he implored, “we can work it out.”

Shaking her head, not taking her eyes off the horizon, she said, “No. This can’t be worked out.”

Before she even realized it, he was behind her. His
hands on her shoulders were like fire that blazed straight through the fabric of her blouse to blister her skin. However, rather than feeling the need to escape the heat of him, she longed to lean back, to be consumed in the flames they sparked.

“What I don’t understand—” his mouth was close to her temple, the rich sound of his voice resonating in her ear “—is how you can blame yourself for the failure of your marriage.”

The warm scent of him wafted all around her, enfolding, enveloping.

“This man you married.” Derision was thick in his tone as he spoke the noun. “If his love for you wasn’t pure, as you’ve indicated it wasn’t, then the fault of the relationship’s failure lays on his shoulders. Not yours. I don’t understand how you can think otherwise.”

She sighed. “It’s not as simple as that, Travis. Such things rarely are.”

“Then explain it to me.”

Using gentle but firm pressure, he turned her to face him, and panic made her heart flutter, her stomach knot.

“Help me to understand.”

The pleading in his eyes wrenched her heart.

“We deserve to be together,” he said. “I can feel it in my bones. I think you feel it, too. I know you do. We both have. From the very beginning. Tell me what happened to you. Tell me why you won’t…”

His frustration was obvious. And as she looked into his handsome face, into his kind eyes, she knew she had to tell him. He deserved the truth. He’d grown so over these past weeks. Rebuffing him with
no explanation simply wasn’t fair, or noble, or just. She knew she had to do right by him.

Standing where she was, between him and the window casing, she felt too hemmed in to talk comfortably about this most uncomfortable subject. So she slipped away from him and went to stand near the dresser a few feet away.

“I won’t say that Eric’s behavior didn’t hurt me,” she began. “But our marriage was falling apart long before the novelty he felt in having an Indian for a wife began to wear off.” She stopped long enough to take a slow, nerve-steeling inhalation. “And the divorce really was my fault.” A shadowy smile played across her lips. “Although I do appreciate your trying to make me believe something different.”

She laced her fingers at waist level, then unlaced them. “You see, I…I have a problem. I don’t enjoy…” Heated embarrassment flooded her face. “I don’t respond t-to normal…”

Surprisingly, hot tears welled up in her eyes and her chin trembled with deep emotion. She didn’t want to say this. She didn’t.

But he wouldn’t understand if she couldn’t force the words from her throat.

Her gaze dropped unwittingly to his burgundy dress shoes and she barked out a harsh and humorless laugh. “As Eric so enjoyed telling me—I’m frigid. I can’t respond to a man the way a woman should.” She forced herself to raise her eyes to his. “I have…sexual inhibitions.”

He looked shocked. Completely taken off guard.
As though she punched him right in the gut when he wasn’t looking.

Finally he said, “Diana, I—”

“No.” She cut him off by spinning in a half circle, embarrassment cocking her head, hunching her shoulders. “I don’t want to talk about it, Travis. It’s…it’s utterly humiliating for me. You have to see that.” Her breath was ragged, but she managed to continue. “I only wanted you to understand. You deserve that much.”

Movement on the periphery of her vision had her darting a glance at the mirror she now faced, and she realized she could still view him from where she stood.

He stared off at a far corner of the room, his handsome face portraying nothing less than unadulterated astonishment. The emotion bit deep into his brow, paled his skin, tightened his jaw. The incredulity he felt seemed of such magnitude that it led him, silent, down the only path available to him.

Shaking his head, he walked out of the room. Only then did Diana allow her pent-up tears to flow.

Travis sat at his desk, staring with unseeing eyes at the files in front of him. He couldn’t believe what Diana had told him. He couldn’t fathom that she thought she was sexually inhibited. He’d kissed the woman. He’d touched her. He’d held her in his arms. Passion had fairly simmered in her. He’d felt it.

The knock on his door was enough to startle him from his deep and troubled thoughts.

“Hey, pal,” Sloan called to him, pushing his way into the office.

Acknowledging his friend with a nod of greeting, Travis said, “Come on in. Is everything okay?”

“I came in here to ask
you
that.” Sloan pointed over his shoulder toward the outer office area. “Rachel and the nurses…they’re a little worried. Something wrong at home?”

Travis would have loved to confide in Sloan. Talking out his thoughts regarding Diana’s problem might make the idea easier to deal with. But he couldn’t help feeling her doubt about her sensuality was too intimate to share with his friend. It was clear that Diana hadn’t really wanted to tell Travis. She’d be mortified if she were to discover he’d revealed to anyone the things she’d said.

“It’s nothing I can’t handle,” he said, hoping he sounded more confident than he felt.

Sloan nodded. “Okay. But if you want to talk…”

“Thanks, buddy.” Thinking it best to change the subject, Travis said, “I haven’t seen the girls in a few days. How are they?”

“Good.” Sloan’s broad smile revealed a lot about his love for his daughters. “We’re still arguing about the New Year’s Eve party they’ve been invited to.”

“You’re going to let them go, aren’t you?”

The man shrugged. “I guess so. But I refuse to let them stay out half the night. What parent invites kids to a party that lasts until three in the morning? It’s ridiculous.”

“It’s only one night,” Travis couldn’t help pointing out.

One of Sloan’s dark eyebrows shot high. “I’ll remind you of that when your boys are on the verge of becoming teens.”

Travis had to chuckle. Then thoughts of Diana—and her astonishing revelation—seeped into his thoughts, making his smile wane.

His astute friend knew him too well not to notice. “You sure you’re okay?” Sloan asked.

“Listen,” Travis said. “What would you do if someone…well, if someone thought something about themselves that you knew wasn’t true?”

“Is this a patient we’re talking about? Or one of the boys?”

Rubbing anxious fingers over his jaw, Travis said, “Let’s just say this is someone important.”

Sloan only nodded, not pushing further. Travis knew his friend would discern and respect his need for privacy in the matter.

“I need more information,” Sloan said. “What is it this person believes about himself?” He quickly added, “Or
her
self, as the case may be.”

“I, ah, I really can’t say.” Without thinking, Travis reached out and snagged a pen from his desktop, rolling it nervously between his fingers. “Let’s just say someone you knew to be quite intelligent thought she wasn’t. Or…or she thought she wasn’t pretty when you knew damned well she was not only pretty, but…quite striking.”

Sloan came closer to the desk and lowered himself down into the empty wing chair. “Look, I’ve talked to Diana. I know she’s an educated woman. And she’s self-assured, and she’s—”

“Who said we’re talking about Diana?” The defensiveness in his tone nearly made Travis cringe.

With his mouth drawn into a straight line, Sloan
only stared. But Travis refused to break Diana’s confidence.

Reining in his misplaced irritation, Travis said, “If you don’t want to help me out—”

“Of course I want to help you out.” Sloan sighed. “Okay, if I found myself in the situation you just described, I’d do whatever I could to convince…this person…that—” he paused, evidently considering his words carefully “—well, that she is smart and beautiful. No matter what misconceptions she might have about herself.”

A ray of light seemed to shine on Travis. What a perfect idea!

He murmured, “Convince her…”

Sloan nodded. “That she
is
what she thinks she isn’t.”

Travis was ready. After dinner, he’d scoured the books Diana had provided him, and he’d been able to come up with just the right questions to lead the conversation the way he wanted it to go.

Sure, manipulating the dialogue might not be considered a decent thing to do, but his motives were more than honorable. He planned to help Diana see that she was a beautiful, desirable woman who was filled to the brim with passion. Before this evening was over, she’d realize she was nowhere near inhibited where sex was concerned. She’d also be forced to realize that the two of them definitely were soul mates.

After he’d closed the bedroom door on his sleeping sons, Travis stopped in his room for the two books he’d been reading. He went downstairs in
search of his Medicine Woman. He found her enjoying the lights on the Christmas tree.

“I guess we’ll have to dismantle the tree soon,” he said softly.

She tensed visibly the instant she realized he’d entered the room.

“The needles will soon be drying out and falling off.”

She barely nodded in response.