The Doctor's Medicine Woman (8 page)

“So you married him…” he spoke slowly, voicing his thoughts as he spoke them “…not because you were looking to replace your grandfather, but because you wanted to experiment with sex—”

“Of course not!”

She tried to pull away, but he held her fast.

“Please don’t be embarrassed. I’m only trying to work this out.”

“Work what out?”
Anger sparked in her eyes now. “I don’t understand why you’re saying these things.”

“What I’m trying to figure out,” he said, the tumult he’d been holding back suddenly rushing forth like floodwater through a broken levee, “are the feelings I keep experiencing. Amazing feelings. Incredible feelings. For you, Diana. And I’m trying to figure out how my feelings for you fit…how they relate to what you said about my parents. About them not belonging together.”

All she did was shake her head and stare at him wide-eyed.

No wonder. He wasn’t making a bit of sense.

He took a deep breath. “Listen, I believe with all my heart that you were right about my parents. I believe they never belonged together. That’s why they separated and divorced. It was inevitable. I believe that my brother and his wife never belonged together, either. Tara and I didn’t work out, because
we didn’t belong together.
”

Sheer excitement had him inching toward her. He cupped her elbow with his free hand.

“You separated from your husband because the two of you weren’t soul mates.” He moistened his lips. Softly he said, “You didn’t belong together.”

Her eyes were large, conveying an odd mixture of confusion and disbelief, but Travis didn’t let that stop him from making his point. He eased himself closer to her, and the lemony scent of her skin smelled more erotic than anything he’d ever experienced in his whole entire life.

“And because of the way I feel about you,” he whispered, “because of the strong physical reactions I keep experiencing, I think that—”

He leaned even closer.

“—maybe—”

And closer.

“—we…do.”

“Do?”

He didn’t know if she’d actually spoken the tiny word or simply mouthed it, but he felt her sweet, warm exhalation brush his cheek and a shudder quaked through his whole being.

“Belong together,” he breathed against her mouth.

And when he pressed his lips to hers…he felt as if he’d finally come home.

Her mind seemed to have completely short-circuited. Travis had moved closer and closer, all the while voicing this almost farcical notion about soul mates and belonging together.

Nothing made sense. Nothing at all.

The delicious pressure, the luscious taste of his mouth against hers…the heat of hands on her back and in her hair…only made her brain, her thoughts, all the more snarled and confused.

Mere days ago, he’d been so sure he didn’t want to act on the attraction that plagued them. He’d had good, solid reasons motivating his desire to remain unattached, free of strings and relationships. He’d flat-out declared that he thought her idea of a great warrior, of everyone having a soul mate, was total nonsense. He’d said it.

He’d believed it.

So why the sudden turnaround?

You’re an extraordinary woman,
he’d said.
You’ve helped my boys. You’ve helped me.

After those statements, he’d once again declared his gratitude. With a huge amount of resolve and intent.

You’re an extraordinary woman.
His words echoed in her head yet again.
You’ve helped my boys. You’ve helped me.

The puzzle pieces swam in the mire that was her thoughts. A few of them snapped together. The budding image was fuzzy, but her gut told her that the
picture about to be revealed wasn’t going to be pretty.

Her hands trembled and she clenched her fingers, afraid to move her hands for fear of reaching out to hug him to her. His tongue skittered across her lips. The warm scent of him nestled around her like a blanket. She was sure that while he was so close, kissing her, touching her, she’d never untangle her thoughts.

Planting her palm flat against his chest, she pressed. It didn’t take much effort to push him away from her.

The desperation she read in his eyes was the final piece of the puzzle that clicked into place. She’d been right. The picture wasn’t only
not
pretty…it was downright ugly.

“Don’t do this to me, Travis.” Her voice was as rusty as weathered nails, and her throat actually hurt as the words grated from her. “I’ve been a novelty. And novelties wear off. I won’t put myself through anything like that again.”

He did a great job of looking surprised.

“Novelty?”

His dark head shook back and forth with the perfect amount of bewilderment. A more naïve woman might have been taken in by his act.

“What are you talking about?” he said.

She stood up. So did he.

“Look,” she told him, “I’m happy to give the boys—and you, for that matter—all the instruction I can while I’m here. I’ll tell you all I know about our heritage. All I ask is that you refrain from playing games with my feelings. I don’t know what kind of
wild notion you’ve got in your head, but I won’t allow myself—”

“Whoa,” he said. “Stop. It’s pretty clear that you don’t understand.”

“I understand perfectly,” she told him. “Just a few short days ago, you told me that you didn’t believe in loving relationships. That you were sure that your friend and his new wife…that Greg and Jane were going to end up divorced and hurt.” She pointed an accusing finger at him. “You told me that you didn’t believe in love.”

Her breath came in big gasps.

“Yet, once I begin to meet with you, once I try to make you understand what it means to be Kolheek, you come up with this idea that we need to be together.” She poked herself in the chest with her index finger. “I’m not stupid. I can put two and two together and come up with four. You want me around because you think I’ll be good for Jared and Josh. That I’ll be a good influence on them. Give them the grounding they need. The grounding that
you
need.” Her narrowed eyes would have wounded him had they been daggers. “You want me because I’m Kolheek!”

“Diana, listen to me—”

But when he stepped toward her, she backed away. And the look on his face couldn’t have registered more surprise if she’d have swung out and slapped him. He went utterly still.

“Eric thought it would be really neat to have me around. I was just a little different from the other women he’d met. A novelty. But the newness wore off. Fast.”

She felt her anger flash in her eyes like lightning. And she did all she could to keep the electricity alive. Anger was good right now. If she allowed it to fade, she’d cry. And she’d rather die than reveal her true feelings—her pain, her tears—to Travis right now.

Why she was hurting so much, she couldn’t say. All she did know was that she felt as if her heart was being ripped right out of her chest.

“I want to do all I can for Josh and Jared while I’m here. And for you, too,” she said. “But, I’m begging you…don’t use me.”

“S
o, um, we was wonderin’…”

Jared’s tone was tiny and uncertain, as though he wasn’t quite sure if he should speak his thoughts aloud.

Travis had been extremely upset by what had transpired between himself and Diana just moments ago. She’d completely misconstrued the motive behind his idea that he and she just might be meant for each other.

He realized his change of thought—his change of
heart
—regarding relationships and love was staggering. It had taken him days to come to terms with it, so it was no wonder she hadn’t believed him. But the notion she’d drawn from his suggestion…that he only wanted her because of her background, because of her heritage, was ludicrous.

He’d been desperate to explain. To make her understand. And when she’d bolted from the kitchen,
he’d followed her, calling out to her all the way to the stairs.

But he’d been stopped in his tracks when he saw the twins descending in their pajamas, worry marring their small brows, shadowing their gazes.

“We been awake,” Jared had announced, tossing a quick glance at his brother who had stood on the bottom step beside him. “And me and Josh have been talkin’.”

Travis hadn’t seen any other recourse than to let Diana escape. The sound of her bedroom door closing had forced his eyes shut for the briefest moment. He’d talk to her. He’d straighten things out, but his boys needed him. That much had been obvious.

He’d brought them to the couch, waited for them to climb onto the cushions and then he knelt down in front of them so they would be face-to-face.

“Now,” he said quietly, placing a hand on one of each of the boys’ knees, “what’s this all about?”

“I had a bad dream,” Josh admitted.

Travis was surprised that he was the one to speak up first. Usually it was Jared who talked for the both of them.

“Is that what you want to talk about?” Travis asked. “Your bad dream?” He could tell the child was frightened, so he used a gentle voice hoping to coax Josh to talk.

Josh only shrugged. Then he said, “Sorta. I guess.”

Jared nudged his brother. “Tell ’im, Josh. Go on.”

Josh’s big, dark eyes grew even more troubled. “I thought I woke up back home. You know, back with the other kids. Back…there.”

“At the orphanage?” Travis supplied.

Josh only nodded. “I couldn’t find you. And then I couldn’t find Diana. Then…”

The watery tears that welled in the boy’s eyes ripped at Travis’s heart.

“Then I couldn’t find Jared.” With a quick swipe of the back of his hand, Josh dashed away the teardrop that rolled down his cheek. “But then I woke up. It was a dream. A bad dream. I didn’t like bein’ alone, so I woke up Jared.”

“I don’t want you to ever feel alone, Josh,” Travis told the child. “The next time you have a bad dream, you come to me. Even if it’s the middle of the night. You wake me up. Helping you through the scary times is an important part of my job as your dad.”

“Once I was awake,” Jared said, taking up the story, “we started to talk. And…well, we need to know somethin’. We need you to tell us.”

Travis nodded. “I’ll tell you anything you want to know.”

The boys looked at each other and Travis got the distinct impression they were passing some sort of silent message meant to bolster their courage. Finally the twins focused on him.

It was Jared who spoke. “How come you brung us here?” he asked. “How come you want us?”

Travis thought to correct the child’s grammar, but then thought better of it. Jared needed the freedom to say what was on his mind, never mind what words he used, just so long as he made himself understood.

After a brief moment, Josh solemnly added, “Yeah. How come you wanted us when nobody else did?”

Travis didn’t move. He didn’t dare. The insecurity on their young faces, wrinkling their tender brows, was enough to make his throat swell with emotion that was hot and thick. But seeing him break down wasn’t what these boys needed at this moment. They needed him to be strong. And sure. His answer would have to be meticulous. Wise and reasonable. Understandable. Good enough to make them feel safe for all time.

These children where so innocent. Not yet six. Yet they had suffered physical pain and mental anguish enough to last them a whole lifetime. Travis wanted to prevent them from experiencing even another instant of heartache.

It was a foolish notion, he knew. Jared and Josh had a lifetime ahead of them…a lifetime that would be fraught with trials and errors as well as joys and successes. He couldn’t keep them from sorrow and failure. He could only love them. And be here to help them up whenever life knocked them down.

Where on earth, he wondered, would he find the words that would take away their uncertainty where he was concerned? How could he make them understand that he would be here, permanently and without fail, for as long as they needed him?

“Why did I want you?” His voice was raspy, like bits of metal that had been shredded and twisted out of shape. He stopped long enough to swallow around the lump in his throat.

“There’s this thing,” he slowly began again, “called fate. You can’t see it. And you can’t touch it. So it’s a really hard concept to understand.” He looked from one set of dark eyes to the other.
“But—” he paused, searching for words “—I want you to try. See…fate makes things happen. Fate brought us together. You were all alone. And I was all alone. And fate thought we’d be good together. Fate thought we’d make a good family.”

Jared’s face brightened with the explanation, but deep-thinking Josh had more questions in his eyes.

He asked, “Do
you
think we make a good family?”

“Absolutely,” Travis was quick to answer. He pushed himself up and then slid in between the boys. “What do you think, Jared? Do you feel we make a good family?”

With his head bobbing furiously, Jared said, “I sure do. I like it here. I like our new house. I like our yard. I like our swing set out back. I like our room. I like my new bed. I like…I like
everything.
”

Hardly able to breathe, Travis asked, “How about your new dad? How do you feel about me?”

Jared darted a shy glance at Travis. “I don’t really
like
you.” He shrugged. “I kinda love you.”

Unable to quell the warmth surging through him, Travis hugged the boy to him. “I kinda love you, too, Jared.”

But Travis knew it wasn’t Jared who had the biggest problem with anxiety. Jared was easygoing and had little trouble adapting. Swiveling his head to meet Josh’s gaze, Travis asked, “How about you, son? How do you feel about being here?”

Josh blinked, once, twice, before he spoke. Finally he said, “This is the best place I’ve ever been.”

Now, taking into account that the boys hadn’t been anyplace other than the orphanage and the hospital,
Travis knew the statement—to someone who didn’t know better—wasn’t worth a whole bunch. However, the overwhelming emotion that came rushing behind the words made the proclamation very weighty indeed.

The knot in Travis’s throat swelled and he thought it would be impossible for him to speak. But there was more to say. So much more.

“That’s good, Josh,” he said, intricate emotions snarling the words. “Because there’s no place else I would rather you be than right here with me. See…I love you, son. I love Jared, too. And I want you and me and your brother to be a family. You think we can do that?”

“I want to. But…”

“But what?”

“How come I keep having bad dreams?”

“That’s pretty normal, I think,” Travis told him. “You’re getting used to a new home. Once you really understand that this is where you belong, I think the nightmares will stop bothering you.”

“I tried to tell you,” Jared said, leaning over to peer at his brother. “Santa can’t be wrong.”

“Santa?” Travis couldn’t keep the surprise out of his voice.

“Yeah,” Jared continued. “Santa wouldn’t have left our fire engines here if he didn’t think we were supposed to be here. I told Josh that this morning.”

Suppressing an indulgent smile at the delightfully simplistic answer and the wonderful display of youthful faith, Travis looked down at Josh and nodded in agreement. “Your bother’s got a point. Santa can’t be wrong.”

Travis only wished all of life’s problems could be answered as easily.

Sitting out of sight at the top of the steps, Diana listened as Travis attempted to allay the boys’ fears. She’d been so upset by her confrontation with Travis that she’d raced up the stairs past the boys without even having acknowledged seeing them. However, once she’d reached her room and she’d had a moment to calm herself, she’d worried that her behavior might have upset them. So she’d crept from her room, back down the hallway to make sure Josh and Jared were okay.

Travis had done a wonderful job of making them feel safe and secure. He’d made all the correct moves; he’d listened to them with deep concern, he’d spoken with quiet sureness in his most convincing argument that here was where he wanted the boys to be.

Travis was so patient with the twins. So kind. He had all the perfect qualities that went into making a good father. Most important, he loved those children. And he’d do anything for them. Anything. That was so very clear to her.

Over the past few weeks that she’d been here, he’d proved time and again that he’d do whatever it took to make their lives happy, give them whatever it was he thought they needed for their well-being.

And she’d just realized that one of those things was
her.

The idea that he was seducing her in order to provide the boys with their Native American heritage
and traditions sent cold chills raking down her spine like fork tines.

Would he really treat you so poorly?
The question filled her with sudden doubt as it whispered across her brain.

But then her chin trembled with chaotic emotion.
Yes,
she silently decided.

He would. He was a man, wasn’t he? And men always showed their true colors. Sometimes it took months, as it had with Eric. Sometimes it only took weeks, as it had with Travis.

But months or weeks, in the end, their true personalities would show through.

She hated to think badly of Travis. Hated to think that he’d lie and manipulate her in order to give the boys the grounding they were so sorely lacking. He knew they needed a firm foundation that was rooted in the past, a foundation he wasn’t able to provide. She hated to think he’d take advantage of her like this.

But there was something else she hated. Something she despised above all else. And that was realizing at this very moment—knowing in the very core of her heart—that she’d fallen desperately and deeply in love with the man when he only wanted to use her.

Travis fixed breakfast for the boys, and while they ate, he’d showered and dressed for work. His patient schedule was light for the day so he’d be home in time for lunch. However, he didn’t want to leave his talk with Diana until the afternoon. He simply couldn’t.

Once he’d come downstairs to find the boys watching a favorite cartoon video, he’d asked them if Diana had come downstairs. Both of them said they hadn’t seen her.

There were two reasons he trudged up the steps toward her room. One was that he didn’t want her thinking such appalling things about him for one moment longer than was absolutely necessary. The other was that, if he didn’t clear up her misconception of his motives before he left this morning, he’d be so preoccupied with the awful things she thought about him that he wouldn’t be able to focus on his patients’ needs, and that wouldn’t be professionally responsible behavior. He needed to straighten out his personal life so he could give himself completely to the patients who depended on him.

Lifting his hand, he knocked softly. There was no answer.

“Diana,” he called. “We need to talk.”

He waited. All he heard was silence.

Finally he said, “You know that I have patients this morning. And I know you’ve made plans with the boys. But I’m not leaving this house until you hear what I have to say.”

Ten long seconds passed before he heard the knob turn, and then the door opened. The doubts and fears shadowing her dark eyes tugged at his heart, made him want to reach out to her. But he didn’t.

Instead he walked past her and seated himself in the big, overstuffed easy chair. He looked over and saw that she hadn’t moved from the doorway, her hand still poised on the knob.

“Come over here,” he said, the soft request in his tone unmistakable.

She hesitated, looking over her shoulder out toward the hallway. “But the boys…” she said, letting the rest of her thought linger in the stillness.

“They’ll be fine,” he told her. “They’re watching television.” He patted the bed’s coverlet. “Come. Sit. I’ve got something to say…something you need to hear.”

He’d purposefully emphasized the word need. Yes, she needed to hear his thoughts. But he also had a terrific need to speak them.

She moved to the bed and perched herself on the very edge of the mattress. Immediately he got the impression that if he were to say one wrong word, she would jump up and flee. Her nervousness was apparent, and he knew he’d have to tread softly or she’d never stay long enough to hear him out.

The tension in the air snapped, but he ignored it, refused to get caught up in it. Instead he leaned over to rest his elbows on his knees and he gazed steadily at Diana. She seemed so close, merely inches from him. But judging from the apathetic expression she struggled to exhibit, he felt as though she was determined to lock her emotions so deeply inside her that she might as well be miles away. He was determined to reach her. He was overcome with the sense that his happiness depended on it.

“I don’t really know what I’ve done,” he began, “to make you think such terrible things about me. But I want to assure you that you’re wrong. Completely wrong about my motives.”

The clouds in her eyes were unreadable.

“I don’t know what happened between you and your ex,” he continued. “But from what you said this morning, I have the feeling that the man thought it would be fun, or unique, or cool, or unusual, or whatever adjective works here, to be married to someone of a different ethnicity than himself.”