The Deeper We Get (10 page)

I stilled, wanting to believe she hadn’t said that. Love
…it was too soon for love. I was too fucked up for love.

“I need to get a shower before work. Can you drive yourself home today, I’m not going to have time before work.”

“Don’t fucking run away from me Chad.” She sat up in bed and looked at me.

“I’m not running. I’m late for work.”

“The hell you aren’t. I tell you I love you, and you’re out of bed in a flash. I’m not expecting you to say it back but don’t throw me away just because I said it.”

“Look, I’ll call you tonight
okay? I need to get going.”

“Whatever.” She glared at me and jumped out of bed to look for her clothes.

I closed myself into the bathroom, thankful to be alone with my thoughts. I knew I needed to tread carefully. I didn’t want to lose her forever because I was too stupid to tell her how I really felt.

Stepping under the scalding hot water I tried to wash away the thoughts that
haunted me. I didn’t deserve her—I’d been telling her all along that I would ruin this. Part of me hoped that she would realize I was all wrong for her and leave.

When I finally came out of the bathroom she was gone. That was what I wanted right? There was a note on the counter in the kitchen by my helmet.

Chad,

I hate what you did to me just now. Did you think it was easy for me to tell you that I loved you? It wasn’t. I know that we both have issues with relationships and intimacy, but the way you handled it was horrible. I’m giving you your space now because it hurts me too much to look at you and see the wall you put up between us. Call me when you’re ready to grow up and have a real conversation about this without running away.

—Scarlet

Well there you go, I’d fucked it up royally. Ruined a perfectly good day because of my own stupidity and hang-ups. Instead of calling her I grabbed my helmet and headed out the door for work. This was a day I thanked my lucky stars she was not working with me. We both needed our space, me more than her. I knew if we saw each other now I would hurt her even more.

It was just Frank in the garage when I walked in.

“You look like shit,” he remarked.

“Thanks, appreciate your input into my appearance.” I glared at him.

“I’m assuming this has something to do with Scarlet coming home in a huff this morning?” He shot me a questioning look.

“I don’t want to talk about it
,” I muttered and walked back to my workbench.

“I don’t give a rat’s ass if you want to talk about it, get rid of the shitty attitude and get to work
,” he yelled.

“Fine.” I slammed my tool box down harder than I should have. The clanging sound echoed in the quiet garage.

“Watch it Langer, my patience is thin today.” He walked back into his office, leaving me alone.

I lost myself in cleaning up an old engine for the better part of the day. Working had always been my escape from my problems
. Well, that and fighting. I stepped away from the bench and wiped my hands on my coveralls. I hadn’t noticed Frank walk up.

“Feeling better?”
he asked cautiously.

“Somewhat.”

“What happened?”

“Frank, I really don’t want to
talk about my relationship with Scarlet with you. It’s weird. I messed up, okay, and now she’s pissed. That’s all I’m going to say about it. If you want to know so badly you can ask her.”

“I’m going to stay out of it, you both are old enough to make your own mistakes. Just be careful with her will you? She’s only strong to a point, and I don’t want you to be the one to make her fall apart again.” He squeezed my shoulder and walked away.

He was right, I didn’t want to be the one to make her fall apart. I just needed to figure out how to dig myself out of the mess I had made.

A week went by without
a word from Scarlet. I knew I should call her, but the more time that passed the harder it was for me to make the call. We saw each other at the garage, but she avoided me there too.

I
decided to send her a text message instead, taking the coward’s way out.

Me: Hey, can you come over tonight?

She answered a few minutes later.

Scarlet: I don’t know that I should.

Me: Why not?

Scarlet: You know why.

Me: Look, I’m sorry.

She didn’t respond for a while, which made me nervous.

Scarlet: What are you sorry for?

Damn her, she wasn’t going to make this easy on me.

Me: For pushing you away. Forgive me?

Scarlet: I told you the last time that I wouldn’t stand for you pushing me away. I don’t know that I can do this. It’s been a week and instead of calling, you text me? This is all so fucked up. I need some space
okay?

There it was. I really had ruined things with her. I felt hollow inside.

Me: Yeah, okay.

I was right, I didn’t deserve her love. I grabbed my jacket and helmet and fled my apartment. Tom was just coming up the stairs as I started down them.

“Whoa, you okay?” He took in my expression.

“No I’m not. What do you want, this really isn’t the best time.”

“Come to dinner with me.”

I opened my mouth to say no, but instead
I agreed. “Yeah, okay.”

He blew out a relieved breath and led the way down to the parking lot. “Follow me?”

I nodded and hopped on my bike, waiting for his beat up old Honda to back out of the spot. He led me to some sandwich shop down by the beach.

“So, what’s going on?”
he asked me.

Despite myself
, I let it all pour out, the whole situation with Scarlet.

“I’m sorry. I know you’re the way you are in part because of what I did all those years ago.”

“In part?” I laughed.

“You know what I mean. What are you going to do about it?”

“I don’t know, she says she wants space to figure it all out.”

“So you’re going to listen to
her?”

“You
don’t think I should?”

“When your mother and I were first dating, we went through a rough patch and broke up. She told me she just wanted some time alone to figure out if she really wanted to be with me. At first I respected that and let her have her space.” He looked out toward the water,
and I could see the pain in his eyes.

“But then I realized that I didn’t want to wait
. I knew I loved her, and she was the only woman for me, so I made it my mission in life to win her back.”

“That worked?”

“Well, you’re here aren’t you?” He shook his head.

“You really loved her.”

“I really did and still do. I’m so sorry for all the pain I caused, Chad. You have to know how much I love you and your sister. Please say you’ll think about forgiving me?”

I nodded
. “I’ll think it over. I really want to believe you. It was so hard for us after you went away.”

“I know it was. I wish I could go back and undo all the things I did. That I could bring her back
,” he said quietly.

“I don’t want to talk about this anymore.”

“Fair enough. Have you given any thought to me moving in with you for a bit?”

“I have. I don’t think it’s a good idea for you to live with me.”

His shoulders sagged. “I understand.”

“But I could help you get into a place of your own if you want.” I desperately wanted to believe that he had changed.

“Really?”

“Yeah, but you need to find a job so you can help pay rent for it. I can cover the first month or so, but you’ll be responsible for your own food and stuff.”

“You don’t know how much this means to me son.”

It still killed me to hear him call me son, like a knife through the heart. “Yeah, well I can’t have you living on the street.” I would probably regret this decision, but for the moment it felt
okay.

“What are you going to do about your girl?”

“I don’t know that she’s my girl anymore.”

“Go and get her son, tell her what she
means to you. Be honest with her.”

He was right, I’ve never been the type to just give up. I needed to fight for her, prove to her that I was worth it.

“Come by my place tomorrow, and we’ll figure out everything okay? I need to go.”

“I’m rooting for you.” He smiled and looked like he wanted to hug me
, but thankfully he didn’t.

I hopped on my bike and drove to Scarlet’s house
. The whole way there I prayed she was home. Frank opened the door, a grim expression on his face.

“She doesn’t want to see you.”

“She has to Frank, this is important,” I pleaded with him.

“Hang on.” He closed the door.

I paced around in the front yard until the door opened again and Scarlet came out.

“Go home Chad
,” she told me sadly.

“No, not until you listen to me. I know I messed up, and I told you before I wouldn’t push you away
but I did anyway. I was stupid and scared. When you told me you loved me it freaked me out. I didn’t think I deserved to be loved by someone like you. I still don’t think I deserve you, but I can’t be without you. I feel something for you that I’ve never felt for another person outside of my family. I don’t know if it’s love, but it’s something. Let me try and be who you need me to be. Please just let me try.”

“I want to believe you
. Every part of me is screaming to run into your arms and never leave. But I’m terrified that you’ll smash my heart to pieces.” Tears slipped down her cheeks. “I’m barely holding it together right now. I gave you my heart, and you gave it back to me covered in cuts and bruises. I’m afraid if I give it to you again I won’t survive it.”

“I know I should let you go.” I stepped toward her. “But I can’t do it. I can’t just walk away.” I crushed my mouth to hers. She tasted like sadness
, and I knew I was the cause. “I’m so sorry. You have to believe me. Say that you’ll give me another chance.”

“Let me have some time to think about this. I need space away from you to sort through how I feel.” She pushed away from me.

“No, don’t do that. You’ll just end us if I leave here tonight. I’m not ready for us to be done.”

“I can’t think with you like this.” She looked away from me.

“Don’t think, just feel. What does your heart say?” I knew I was playing a risky game, and I could end up pushing her further away.

“God, I want to love you Chad. You were wrong before, when you said you didn’t deserve my love. You do deserve it
, but this is your last chance. Don’t break us again because there will be no going back from it.”

I took her in my arms and kissed her like the world was ending. I never wanted to let her go or hurt her this way ever again.

We spent a while just holding each other. For me, I needed to feel that she was really there in my arms and that we weren’t too far beyond repair.

“Do you want to come back to my place tonight?” I whispered against her cheek.

“No.” She pulled away from me.

“Why not?” I wasn’t totally sure I wanted to hear her answer.

“Because sex won’t fix this, and just because I forgive you, doesn’t mean I’m not still upset. It’s just going to take me some time.”

I nodded, wanting to give her the reassurance that I got it, even though I hated it. “Are we too far gone?”

She put her hand on my chest. “No, not too far, but far enough that a simple ‘I’m sorry’ isn’t going to be enough to erase the sadness. Love isn’t something I give easily, and you've made me rethink if I should have given it to you at all. Maybe we are too messed up to be together for the long haul.”

“No.” I shook my head. “I don't believe that, and neither do you. You’re only saying th
at because I hurt you, and now in some way you want to hurt me back.”

“I don’t want to hurt you, but I do want to be honest. You pushed me for an answer tonight when I told you I needed time. I’m not totally certain the right choice was made, only time will tell. This is all on you now
. You need to prove to me that I didn’t make a mistake.”

“You didn’t make the wrong choice.” I tilted her chin up and kissed her lips gently. “I never meant to hurt you.”

“I know you didn’t, but you did.”

“Am I forgiven or is this still something we’re in?”

“I said I forgive you.” She looked pensive.

“You didn’t really answer the question.”

“I don’t know the answer yet. I’m not over this.” She crossed her arms over her chest.

Part of me thought she was overreacting, but then again
, I was not a chick. This was a fight, it’s not like I cheated on her or hit her.

“I said I was sorry, and that’s really all I can do. I can tell you that I’ll do everything in my power not to make you cry in the future.”

“I want this to work Chad, I’m trying the best I can. I can't make the hurt go away just because you apologized.”

“Ok
ay, I’m going to go now before I make things worse. I’ll call you tomorrow okay?” I kissed her cheek and walked back to my bike.

I knew she was worth the fight
. I just hoped that she thought I was too.

Waking up alone in my
bed was not something I enjoyed. Scarlet was still distant. Though she would stay over, I could feel a wall where only wide open space had once been.

I found her sitting at the kitchen table staring off into space. “Am I interrupting?”

“What? No, I just couldn’t sleep so I came out here so I didn’t wake you up.”

“It wouldn’t have woken me up
. You know I sleep like the dead.” I grinned, trying to lighten the mood. It had been a couple of weeks since she had taken me back, and she had yet to tell me she loved me again. Maybe she wasn't sure she still loved me. Or maybe she was waiting for me to say it first. She’d have to keep waiting if that was the case, I wasn’t anywhere near ready to say it. I felt something for her, but I wasn’t at all sure that something was love.

“I’ll remember that for next time.” She got up and put her mug into the sink. “I’m going to go take a shower, I have work soon.”

Those were almost the exact words I had used to brush her off a few weeks ago.

“Wait.”

She stopped in the short hallway to my room and turned to look at me.

“Are you really here?”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean, are you in this with me? Your body is here, but your heart is somewhere else. I can feel it, the distance.”

“I’m as here as I can be for now.” She turned away from me again.

“Stop punishing me. It’s not fair. If you’ve accepted my apology th
en we need to move on. This can’t keep going on…I can’t keep going on like this.”

“I did forgive you.”

“Did you?” I shot back. “It’s been three weeks, and you’re still holding me at arm’s length.”

“I’m sorry
. I’m not trying to push you away. I don’t know what my problem is,” she sighed.

“You don’t trust me anymore.” I sat down at the table.

“I don't know that it’s as simple as that. I’m not sure I trust you, but more, I’m not sure I trust me. I fell for you hard, and I can’t trust myself not to keep falling. You scare me.”

“What are you scared of?” I knew the answer already, but I needed her to say it, if only for us to move past it.

“I’m terrified you’re going to break me. I’m held together with tape, a series of chips and cracks pieced together.”