Surrendering to Us (38 page)

I did my best to try to manage all I could, but I was floundering. Even Lilia’s help wasn’t enough, and for the first time in a very long time, I felt like I was in over my head.

It made me think about the early days, when I was young and green and had no idea what I was doing, but was given responsibility that I felt I wasn’t ready for. I’d been so stressed every day, and I barely slept the first two years. Still, those had been some of the best years because I’d learned by screwing up and then fixing my mistakes. Baptism by fire.

But now I was feeling like it was too much. Like I just didn’t have the capabilities of dealing with my everyday tasks.

I was taking a five-minute mental break by closing my eyes and massaging my temples when Lilia brought me some decaf. I’d gotten down to drinking every other cup of coffee as decaf.

“I’m sorry I can’t put any booze in there. You look like you need it,” she said, sitting down without me even asking her to stay. Her comment made me laugh. I wished I could drink in the office, but then I might get even less done.

“Do you ever feel like life is too much to handle?” I said, sipping the coffee and burning my tongue.

“All the time. But my mother always said that the Good Lord doesn’t give you more than you can handle.” She switched into a southern accent for the last part of her statement, which made me give her a look.

“My mother is originally from Georgia, but thankfully I was raised in Connecticut so I didn’t get the accent.”

“Good advice, but hard to follow when you feel like you’re suffocating.”

“Have you ever thought about seeing someone?” She arranged her skirt so she didn’t have to look at me when she said it.

“I don’t know,” I said. Ryder’s stories about his farting therapist had sort of turned me off to the whole idea, but I knew that Sloane and Lucah had both been helped by talking to a professional. It was surprising how many people I knew had sought professional help at some time in their lives.

“Might not hurt. Just my two cents. And if you need anything—for me to set up an appointment, or lighten your workload, anything—that’s what I’m here for. This probably isn’t my place to say, but you suck at delegating. Here is a list of things you do that I could take off your plate and do myself and you could just look over when I’m finished.” She pulled the list out of her pocket. Wow. She was prepared.

I looked down the list, and I had to admit that she was right. I had the tendency to think that no one could do a project as well as I could do it myself. I’d been to seminars and so forth about working in groups, and I’d even gotten a certificate, but old habits died hard.

“This all looks fine. Thank you for being the best assistant I’ve ever had.”

“Really? Even though I don’t perform sexual favors?” She’d really changed from that timid girl whose voice shook whenever she spoke and had the wide doe eyes, to a sassy and confident woman who wasn’t afraid to tell me what to do.

“You can’t have everything,” I said, handing the list back to her. “And really, thank you.” She nodded and went back to her desk while I finished my coffee.

I texted Lucah before lunch, asking if he wanted to maybe meet with me and eat together. I needed my daily dose of Lucah. If there was anything that helped with my stress level, it was seeing him.

He messaged me back right away and said that he could meet me at a little bistro two blocks away. Perfect. Now I had something to look forward to. The moment I realized that I wasn’t looking forward to my workday hit me like a lightning bolt.

I loved my job, but the actual day-to-day had become something I didn’t enjoy. It was too hard to come here and be separated from Lucah, and be worried about Dad losing his job or me losing my job, or someone else turning against me, or something else going wrong. It was like walking through a minefield. Each step was exhausting.

I was exhausted.

“Is something wrong?” Lucah said the second he saw me. I didn’t have the energy to hide my emotions. Not with him.

“I’m so tired, Lucah. It’s all too much.” I put my head in my hands like Dad had earlier.

“What is, Sunshine? Talk to me.” He reached out and tried to tug my face so I would look at him. His beloved face, so twisted with concern made my heart ache.

“I just . . . life is just a lot to handle right now, that’s all. I’m having a bit of a hard time.” I was able to hold a lot of the tears back, but a few escape and raced each other down my face. Lucah picked up a napkin and wiped them away.

“Is it everything with Ryder? Because he’s moving out really soon and then we’ll have our place—” I shook my head to stop him.

“It’s not Ryder, specifically. It’s everything. It’s work, and worrying about Dad, and hoping that Ryder doesn’t go down the deep end again, and wondering what’s happening with him and Sloane, and everything with Violet. Then there’s you and I love you so much and sometimes it scares me. It’s everything.”

“Shh,” he said, wiping some more tears. “It’s going to be okay. You’re the strongest woman I know, apart from my own mother. You’ve taken on so much at a young age, and you’re always so worried about everyone else. You just care so damn much, Sunshine.”

I did. I did care too much. It was one of my flaws.

“But I wouldn’t have you any other way, because you’re the woman I fell in love with. And it scares me because I’m afraid that all this caring is going to hurt you, break you. It’s too much for one person to handle.” I had to nod because he was right.

“I’m okay, Lucah. I promise. I just need a reminder once in awhile. Good thing I have you around. What would I do without you?” More than anything else, losing my job, everything, losing him was at the top of the list of things I was scared about.

“Oh, you’d be just fine. I’m the one who wouldn’t survive.” He got to his feet and took my hands and pulled me up to mine. I had no idea what he was doing.

“Dance with me,” he said, putting his hand around my waist. Soft music was playing in the restaurant, but it wasn’t the kind for dancing, really. It didn’t matter.

“I would be honored, Mr. Blythe.” I put my other hand on his shoulder and rested my head against his chest and we started to sway. People around were probably talking, and we were definitely blocking the path to the bathroom, but we didn’t care.

Lucah hummed a tune in my ear that I didn’t know, but it was nice, so we danced to that instead of the crappy piano music being piped through the restaurant.

He spun me out like we had at the Ball, and even though I didn’t have a gown on, I twirled and imagined I did as he pulled me back in and dipped me, nearly hitting my head on the edge of the table.

“Sorry. I’m not used to dancing in a confined space,” Lucah said, pulling me up as I laughed.

“It’s okay. I don’t mind.” We swayed a little more and I could feel the eyes of the entire place on us. Not all of the looks were complimentary, and I wanted to shoot those people a chosen finger, but I didn’t.

The waitress came with our food and we had to sit down, but Lucah gave me a kiss on the side of my head before letting go of my hand and sitting across from me.

We ate and I slipped off my shoes and we played footsies under the table and before dessert he made me get up and dance again. I swore I heard someone gagging while they sat at the bar, but I definitely ignored it.

“Are you happier now?” Lucah said, as we held hands and walked back toward the office.

“Always when I’m with you. Even when we’re fighting. There’s nowhere else I’d rather be.” He hummed the song we’d danced to and I asked him what it was.

“Oh, nothing.” I asked him again, but he wouldn’t answer me. It seemed silly, but I let it go. I was feeling much better, and even though I had to go back to work, I was lighter and the pressure wasn’t suffocating me as much.

Maybe I should see a professional. It probably wasn’t normal or healthy to stress as much as I did. I’d always gotten away with it because I had a high stress job. And my parents had always let me get away with it, probably because I was an only child. They didn’t have another kid to compare me to, so whatever I did probably seemed normal, for the most part. And Sloane. She’d always let me get away with it as well, and for the most part she’d ignored me, or just waited until I was done with my freaking. Royce. He’d always told me that I was a drama queen. I’d hated him every time he’d told me that and it was shocking how many times he said it and how many times it made me want to punch him.

Why on earth had I dated him? I couldn’t see a single reason anymore.

But it was true. I’d been surrounded by enablers nearly my entire life.

I thought about enablers and worrying the rest of the day, and even when Lucah and I rode the T home. He probably sensed that I was thinking too much and let me for a while. It was almost magical how he could sense my needs.

“I love you,” I said, leaning against him as we walked back up to the street from the underground world of the subway tunnels.

“I know. And I love you, too. I will never ever get tired of saying it. So do you want to talk about what’s been occupying your thoughts? Or do you want me to bring up something else?”

That actually reminded me of the text I’d sent Marisol, which was a much happier subject, and one I wouldn’t mind discussing.

“Actually, I have something. I was thinking that we should invite Tate and April to Marisol’s benefit. It would be great if we could get all the Blythe men together. Since things are going well now and all.” I waited to see what his reaction would be.

“I think . . . “ he said, keeping me in suspense for a moment, “I think that’s a great idea and I wish I would have thought of it. The tickets are expensive though. And with them having a new baby—” I interrupted him.

“Already taken care of. I got their tickets when I got ours. I hope they don’t think that’s charity. Well, charity for charity.” I started giggling and couldn’t stop. The stress had really gotten to me and I was at the point where things that weren’t normally funny became funny.

Lucah chuckled with me, but it wasn’t as humorous to him.

“I’ll explain it to them. I don’t think they’ll mind.”

Good.

A grin spread on his face. “Look at you, trying to put my family back together. Where were you back when we were falling apart?”

I made a face like I was really thinking about it. “Sitting around and waiting for you to find me.” I’d been working. Working and hanging out with Sloane and Marisol and Chloe. Having dinners with my parents. Earlier, I’d been wasting my time with King Douchebag. Other than that, what did I do with myself? Not much of consequence.

“No, you’re not the kind of girl who sits around and waits. I wish I would have found you sooner. But you might not have liked me very much. Ryder is a prince compared to how I was. Remember how I said I’m an asshole on that first night? I was an asshole ALL the time. It was . . . it was a bad time for me.” It was so hard to imagine him any different than he was now. But it would probably be hard for him to imagine me the same way.

Not that I had changed much over the years. Or at least I didn’t think so. I was more of a bitch than I used to be, that was for sure. My attitude had been honed over several years of dealing with BS. I also hoped I’d grown wiser, and I knew for a fact that I had better fashion sense. Most of that was due to Sloane, though.

“Now you’re making me feel bad that I don’t have a time machine to go back and be with you,” I said.

“If I could make it happen for you, I would.” I spent the rest of the walk back to our place thinking about time machines, which was a nice change from worrying and stressing.

Tate and April agreed to the charity event, and were over the moon that they didn’t have to buy tickets. I chatted a bit with April on the phone, and she started talking about dresses and so on and how they’d have to get someone to watch the girls.

“You have no idea how long it has been since I had adult time. The only downside is the not drinking. I’d kill for a glass of wine. Literally. Would kill.”

She really wanted some wine.

“Well, I can’t do anything about the wine, but I can help you with the night out part.”