Spiritual Care: A Guide for Caregivers (19 page)

Finding a mentor in spiritual care will ease the apprehension
you may be feeling. Jill asked me to mentor her when we worked
together as nurses. Jill was a committed Christian, but she had
never prayed with a patient or had the courage to discuss spiritual
concerns at work. I began by inviting her to join me as I checked
on Miriam, a sixty-year-old woman with metastatic breast cancer.
We adjusted Miriam's sheets, checked her IV and stopped to talk.
Miriam was obviously in pain, although she had just received a
dose of the prescribed analgesic. I held her hand gently and asked
how she was feeling. She moaned and said, "I wish the Lord
would just take me home." I picked up on her comment and we
continued to discuss her relationship with the Lord and how her faith had sustained her through these difficult days. Then I offered
to pray for her at the bedside.

After we left the room, Jill remarked, "That was so easy! I
think I could do that-I just never thought it was acceptable in a
professional situation."

The next day, Jill had to suction Hilda's new tracheostomy.
Hilda was highly anxious and seemed to be grasping for control,
making the whole procedure difficult. Jill carefully explained
each step, but Hilda kept grabbing her hand and pushing it away
whenever she attempted to suction. All the while, the mucus in her
trachea rattled dangerously. Finally, Jill asked, "Would it help if I
prayed for both of us as I do this?" Hilda nodded forcefully. Jill
held her hand and prayed aloud, asking God to help them both
relax. Hilda calmed noticeably, and Jill was able to quickly suction the mucus, to Hilda's great relief.

Afterward, Jill found me at the nurses' station and reported,
her eyes dancing, "I did it! I did it! And it wasn't hard!" She
recounted the whole event. In the process of reviewing what happened, she thought of how she might have approached Hilda differently at the beginning of the encounter-and marveled at the
way prayer changed their interaction. As Jill became more comfortable with spiritual care, she and I would discuss various
approaches at the nurses' station. Other staff began to listen in on
our discussions, and they too became involved in offering spiritual
care.

In mentoring, life and everyday experiences become the textbook. There is no set curriculum, although there may be boundaries. Mentors don't meddle; they model. For the most part, the
mentee sets the agenda, but the mentor shares wisdom gleaned
from experience. Sometimes the mentor-mentee relationship will
become a two-way proposition. For example, Lynn, a new gradu ate nurse, asked Millie to be her mentor in nursing. Millie had
been a nurse for thiry years, but she was a relatively new Christian. Lynn had been a Christian since childhood and was spiritually mature for her age, so Millie asked Lynn to mentor her in her
faith. They meet every Saturday morning for coffee to review
their week and learn from one another, study the Bible and pray.

Technology has made long-distance mentoring possible as well.
I have a friend in Korea who asked me to be her mentor. We
rarely see each other in person, but we communicate frequently
through e-mail. She sends me her goals to review and writes about
situations she is facing. I ask questions, make occasional suggestions and offer resources. I also have several e-mail mentors, people I respect to whom I can send off a quick message to gain rapid
feedback when facing a difficult situation.

E-mail has several advantages. A written message allows the
mentor to think and pray before responding. It also may communicate more clearly than spontaneous conversation; however,
there will be times when the human voice or physical presence
seems essential. E-mail does not communicate human emotions
well. It can be terse and blunt. When emotions flare, it is time to
pick up the phone or arrange a face-to-face meeting.

Telephone mentoring, though more expensive than e-mail, may
be more comfortable for those who prefer verbal communication.
My friend Skip lives a thousand miles away, but she asked me to
be her mentor and prayer partner. We meet by phone every
Wednesday morning to review our weeks, talk and pray. She is
also a budding writer, so I have now agreed to work with her by
mail and e-mail to develop her writing skills.

Who are your mentors? If you do not have one, who are the
people you admire-especially those who have skills you would
like to develop? Consider asking one to be your mentor. Set some goals for your time together. Figure out what you want to learn
from your mentor and how you would like to learn. Will you go
with your mentor to observe her in action? Would you like him to
observe you in action? Will you keep a journal to review together?
Will you pray and study Scripture or merely meet to talk? Determine a regular time and place to meet. You may also want to
decide on a time span to set some parameters to the commitment.
Will the mentoring relationship last six months? a year? indefinitely?

Stop now and pray about whether the Lord wants you to
become involved in a mentoring relationship. As the names of
potential mentors come to mind, pray for them and ask God to
guide you to the right person. Prayerfully set some goals. Then
take the big step and ask one person to mentor you.

Although we are all interdependent and function as a body, each
of us has a particular responsibility to care for ourselves. Maybe
we can learn something from the instructions of the airline flight
attendants who tell us, "In case of an emergency, an oxygen mask
will fall from the overhead compartment--please be sure your
own mask is in place before assisting someone else." An oxygendeprived or dead caregiver will not be much help to anyone else.
In the same way, when we are depleted physically, emotionally or
spiritually, we cannot care for others effectively. When Jesus
commanded, "You shall love your neighbor as yourself" (Mt
22:39), he assumed that we would love ourselves. Loving ourselves involves caring for our own physical, emotional, mental and
spiritual needs.

First, we need to look after our physical health-doing those
things our mothers drilled into us, like eating right, getting enough sleep, exercising and getting regular medical and dental checkups.
I can always tell when I've violated those principles. Sometimes,
when pressures and deadlines begin to mount, I force myself to sit
at the computer for long hours cranking out the work. I don't have
time to fix nourishing meals, so we go out for fast food. Exercise
doesn't happen. My mind continues to race after I go to bed. My
morning devotional time slips into thinking about my "to do" list.
Before long I start getting ornery with my family and friends, my
blood pressure and weight begin to creep up, and my back ends
up in a painful knot. In that shape I'm not much good to anyone.
Believe me, taking care of your own physical needs is a favor to
those you love and serve.

Emotional needs are closely tied with physical needs. An abused
body will throw a person into depression, increase anxiety and set
off a cycle of feelings and behavior that then further damage physical health. At a time in my life when I was struggling with some
serious medical problems, I began to focus so much on the illness
that it seemed to consume my life. A good friend gently reminded
me, "Judy, it's spring-get out and smell the tulips!" I began to
walk outdoors several miles a day, enjoying the beauty that surrounded me, talking to God and breathing the fresh air. Before
long my perspective returned and I sensed God's presence again.
Physical healing began as well.

Caring for our emotional needs includes living a balanced life.
Setting aside time for recreation is not frivolous; we need to play
as well as work. In spite of Jesus' heavy ministry schedule, he
took time to hang out with friends, enjoy parties and go off into
the wilderness alone. He knew how to say no in order to say yes to
the right things.

My friend Jeff tells about a time when he found himself in a
major emotional slump. He just couldn't work up any enthusiasm for ministry, but he kept going through the motions. The harder
he worked, the less successful he felt, so he worked harder. He felt
guilty, so he spent hours in prayer, confessing his overwhelming
sense of failure. He spent extra time in Bible study and reading
motivational books. Nothing helped. Finally his next-door neighbor, an avowed atheist, cajoled him into joining a neighborhood
basketball league. Jeff loved basketball but hadn't played in years.
He justified joining the team by considering it an evangelism
effort. After playing the first game Jeff felt exhilarated-and
exhausted. He went home and slept more soundly than he had in
months, and he woke up feeling like a new person.

What do you love to do for recreation? Put it into your calendar, and plan ahead so you will do it. Even when work and volunteer activities seem to be consuming you, make time for fun,
family, friendship and personal refreshment.

When emotional needs are deep-seated or severe, counseling
will be necessary. When getting our basic needs met or changing
our circumstances doesn't lift us out of emotional struggles, it is
time for professional help. Even Christians become clinically
depressed and suffer a host of mental and emotional illnesses.
That is not a sign of weakness or sin. It is a demonstration of
strength and wisdom to get the needed help to cope with these
conditions.

We also have intellectual needs that must be met if we are to function effectively. We should never stop intentionally learning.
Think about how you learn best, and set some concrete goals that
will prepare you for your ministry as well as bring you enjoyment.
Take a class on caregiving or gardening. Read books and periodicals. Think carefully about which periodicals you should be reading regularly. Listen to an audiotape series as you drive. Watch a
video that will expand your knowledge or make you laugh. People with few outside interests are not much fun to be around. Enjoy
learning! At the same time, you may find that your interest in
model trains or cultivating roses opens the door to ministry with
someone who shares your passion.

Finally, we must maintain a healthy spirittuallife in order to meet
the spiritual needs of others. We are a work-oriented culture. I
usually feel guilty when I rest and righteous when I work hard.
The virtue of work was drilled into me as a child. I was praised for
studying, but when I sat around reading a book for pleasure I was
told to do something constructive. Our peers reinforce our work
ethic. If someone asks how we are, we proudly complain, "I've
been so busy lately!" But God does not applaud our self-righteous
enslavement to work. Instead, according to Isaiah 30:15, "In
returning and rest you shall be saved; in quietness and in trust
shall be your strength."

Where are we to return? First of all, to God, of course. We
become so intent on our busyness that we neglect to take adequate
time for prayer, Bible reading and worship. Martin Luther once
said, "I have so much to do that I cannot get on without three
hours a day of praying." Most of us tend to think just the opposite.
But how often do we end up spinning our wheels in useless activity because we never bothered to consult the Lord about what was
important in his eyes?

Sometimes the returning needs to be to the people around us.
We need to be present to them, listening to them, caring for them,
instead of running off with our own agenda. It is so easy to make a
big project of caring for someone, when all they really wanted was
five minutes of our undivided attention.

We are also to return to rest. Rest, without feeling guilty. God
wants us to stop doing and fixing for a while. He knows that our
minds and bodies need time to be refreshed and restored. He made us that way. We are cheating ourselves and God when we
ignore his commandment to keep the sabbath. In fact, our work
becomes more productive when we get serious about taking adequate rest. Christians throughout history have found that this rest
in the Lord needs to be both a daily time of personal devotion and
a periodical withdrawing for a more extended time of retreat.

Daily devotions begin with a commitment to the Lord to meet
him for a set period of time every day. For many Christians the
quiet time at the beginning of the day works best, but others prefer evening or that brief stillness while the children are napping.
Here is one suggested plan for your quiet time that has worked
well for many people.

Begin with a time of praise and reflection. A psalm or hymn may
help to focus your attention.

Read a manageable portion of Scripture-anything from one
verse to a chapter. A devotional guide may be helpful in directing
your reading. Don't try to make your devotional period into a contest to see how many books of the Bible you can read in a year.
Save that kind of Bible reading for another time. This is a time of
fellowship with God, a time to listen to what he is saying to you
for this day.

Meditate on what you have read. What is God saying to you
about himself? his promises? his people? What direction does the
passage give to you? Does it point to sin that needs confessing? a
task to be done? an attitude to change? What does the passage say
about the world around you? How can it help you to understand
reality? make decisions? serve more appropriately?

Finally, turn to God in prayer. The acronym ACTS has helped
many in organizing this time of prayer. Adoration includes praise,
enjoyment and appreciation expressed to God for his character.
Confession involves taking our sin to God and laying it at his feet so that we can be forgiven and restored. Thanksgiving differs from
adoration; it focuses on what God has done rather than on who he
is. It is a recognition of our gratitude for his presence and activity
in our lives. Supplication means bringing our concerns to God: our
requests for ourselves, our loved ones and others.