Shades of Desire (18 page)

“It depends. In rare situations, I think mental illness can make someone do things he wouldn’t normally do. But most of the time, I think people just don’t try hard enough to fight temptation. They give in too easily, because they’re afraid of the alternative.”

“Hmm,” was her only response. “So I guess this means you and Liz can go now. Thank you for everything you’ve done for me.”

Her calm dismissal angered him and not just because it wasn’t what he wanted to hear at the moment. The thought of hearing those words at
any
point in the future bothered him. “Are you religious, Natalie?”

She was obviously surprised by his sudden question. Confusion formed on her face first, then resignation. She must be getting used to him questioning her. Assumed it was because of his job. And, of course, part of it was. But it was more than that. He was curious about this woman. Even with the information Melissa had given him, even with what he’d found out about Natalie’s mother, it wasn’t enough. He desperately wanted to know what made her tick. What she thought about when she shut herself in the dark and away from prying eyes and inquisitive, relationship-shy cops.

“I was very spiritual at one time. Now, not so much. You?”

“With a name like Liam McKenzie? I was raised Catholic. Sunday school. Mass. Confession. The whole nine yards.”

“Yes, but that doesn’t answer my question. Are you a practicing Catholic?”

“I believe in God. I try to attend church on Easter Sunday and Christmas Eve. But no, I’m not religious, if by religious you mean I believe everything the church preaches. My wife was fonder of strict interpretation. She wasn’t when we met, but she became increasingly so throughout our marriage. I guess you could say I drove her to it.”

“So you’re saying religion led to your divorce?”

“We’d already been having trouble, which is why she sought the church out, I think.”

“Do you blame the church for your divorce?”

He jerked, startled by her persistence. “Truthfully? Maybe I did a little, in the beginning. I didn’t want a divorce. I thought the church would be committed to helping us. Instead, I think it was more interested in spreading dogma than truly helping us work out our problems. But I’ve always viewed organized religion somewhat suspiciously. It always seems to be about exclusion, or terrifying someone into acting a particular way.”

“Kind of like penal laws, don’t you think?”

He smiled despite himself. “Touché. But in the end, the law is more about trying to be the floodgates, trying to make living in the here and now as safe as possible, than actual judgment.”

“Hmm. I guess I can’t argue with you since I’m not a lawyer. But seems like that’s what religion is about, too.”

Something about her was different, he thought. She’d challenged him from the very beginning, but today, she seemed confused about how to handle him, alternately pushing him and slipping into an almost flirtatious repartee. Was she even aware of the shift? Or was she simply becoming more comfortable with him despite herself? The idea pleased him.

“Why the sudden theological discussion? What did you find out about Lindsay’s pendant?”

She’d seen the connection right away. Smart, but then he’d already known that.

“I talked to Hanes’s parole officer. He was born again when he was released from prison. Lindsay’s family was also religious, although she’d started to stray from the beliefs she’d been raised with. I’m betting she attended the same church Alex did. It’s probably how they met. There’s still a lot of questions to be answered before I close this case. It’s going to take time to track down that information.”

“Well, I’ve got plenty of that.”

She made it sound like a bad thing. Something to endure. It countered the notion that she was adjusting and getting back to her normal way of living. And it made him certain he’d done the right thing by contacting Carmen Delgado.

“So how about spending some of it with me?” he responded lightly.

She couldn’t have looked more surprised if he’d leaned over and bitten her on the nose. “What?”

“Spend the day with me. I’ve been working nonstop for a week. Now that Hanes has been found, I’m entitled to some time off.”

“I don’t think that’s a good idea.”

Neither did he, exactly, but something was compelling him. He couldn’t stand the thought of her
enduring
life. She was too vibrant and special to settle for such bullshit. “Because of the kiss we shared?”

She turned away, as if that would somehow protect her from his questions. “That and the things you said…afterwards.”

Yeah.
Those
things. He remembered quite clearly what he’d said.

We’re going to find the man who threatened you, and we’re going to catch Lindsay’s killer, regardless of whether they’re the same person or not. And when we do, you won’t be a witness anymore. You won’t be part of the job. You’ll just be a woman who’s attracted to me as much as I am to her.

They’d both known what he’d meant to happen next. That they’d take up where they’d left off with that kiss. While that couldn’t happen, he could do one last thing for Natalie and hope it put her in a better place when he finally headed back to SIG.

“I meant what I said at the time, but frankly…” Again, he hesitated, trying to find the right words to explain why she couldn’t count on him for anything long-term.

“Frankly, you decided that you really don’t want to be saddled with a blind woman. Honestly, I get it.”

Unable to help himself, he leaned forward and took her hands in his. To his surprise, she let him, so he pushed his luck and traced his forefinger along the edges of her fingers, noting how she trembled slightly. “It’s not you, Natalie,” he explained softly. “It’s not even your blindness. I was married for a long time, and it wasn’t a particularly happy experience. Most of the blame for that is mine. I have to think about a lot of people’s needs as a cop. I can’t do that and consider a wife’s needs to. And before you make a smart-ass comment about not having proposed to me—”

He deliberately paused while she closed her mouth and released the outraged breath she’d taken.

“—I can’t consider a girlfriend’s needs, either.”

“Wow. You’re really sure of yourself, aren’t you? Why do you assume I’d even want a relationship with you?”

He shrugged. “Let’s just say I know people. It’s a necessary part of my job. We’ve established we’re attracted to each other. We’re both single. The natural conclusion seems to be that we do something about it. Can you honestly tell me you’ve ever approached sex in a casual way?”

Her face heated at the mere mention of sex, proving his point. “No, I can’t. But clearly that’s the way you prefer it nowadays.”

“It’s better if I’m just on my own. You don’t want a selfish bastard like me to be part of your life anyway, believe me.”

She snorted. “Of course I don’t. No worries. I have my own stuff to deal with. I need to get a handle on who I am now and what my life is going to be like.”

“Right.”

“Right.”

She slowly pulled her hands out of his grip. Reluctantly, he released her. It was on the tip of his tongue to recall his words. Ask her to give whatever it was between them a chance, but that was just crazy. He forced the words back. She deserved more than that, blind or not.

Desperately, he clapped his hands and rubbed them together. “Good, so now that that’s settled, let me get you out of here. As lovely as Liz is, you can’t even see her to enjoy the view. Let’s get some fresh air. Unless you’re scared, that is?”

She tilted her chin up and looked so cute he barely stopped himself from leaning over and kissing her. “That’s not going to work with me. I told you I’m not going out.”

Hell, she was being more difficult than he’d anticipated. “Why?”

“Why are you pushing this?”

“Because I like you. I’d like to get to know you better, even if it would be platonically. And—”

“And?”

“And…there’s someone I’d like you to meet.”

“Someone?”

“A woman. A blind woman.”

Her expression hardened, any softness or animation she’d let slip out before ruthlessly reined in. It reminded him of how she’d reacted when he’d threatened to label her mentally incompetent. At least now he knew why. He’d taken what Melissa had told him and run with it. He’d learned Natalie had been put in foster care at the age of fifteen when her mother was institutionalized. No wonder she’d freaked.

Gently, he said, “Look, you haven’t talked to anyone who’s blind, have you? If you do, it might help you see that you don’t have to live in extremes—either locked inside yourself or tossing all caution to the wind. Other people live wonderful lives despite their blindness.”

A laugh, bitter and hard, burst out of her. “Oh, so you’re an expert now? Wow, this woman must have
really
made a big impression on you.” Disdain twisted her features. “Tell me, Agent McKenzie, if I have this right. While you were supposed to be finding the man who’d killed Lindsay and almost killed me, too, you decided to do what? Seek out another blind woman to get your jollies? Did you kiss her, too? Or did you do more than that?”

* * *

T
HE
WORDS
HAD
ESCAPED
her mouth even before she’d formed the intent to say them. Horrified, she turned around, wanting to shut him out physically even though the move didn’t change what she saw in the slightest.

“Um, sorry to interrupt…”

At Liz’s voice, she jolted. “Would you stop sneaking up on me!” she snapped.

Their combined silence hailed down on her.

What’s happening to me, she thought. I’m out of control. Just like
her
.

“I’m leaving. I need to check in at work,” Liz finally said. “When you’re ready for me to come back, just give me a call, okay?”

Natalie heard the woman’s footsteps retreating, and guilt made her call out, “Liz, wait.”

But her front door opening and closing was her answer.

She crossed her arms over her chest and hugged herself. “Please tell her I’m sorry. I—I don’t know what’s wrong with me this morning.”

She hadn’t heard him approach, but he laid his hands gently on her shoulders, immediately infusing her with heat that made her body tremble with the need to lean back against him.

“Turn around.”

“No,” she whispered.

“Damn it. Turn around and look at me.”

“I can’t see you!” she cried.

“Yes, you can. You see me. You see me better than most.”

He whirled her around. His touch—a far cry from the tentative and fearful way most people touched her—caused her desire to skyrocket. Automatically, she flattened her palms against his chest to push him away. He needed to leave her alone, or she was going to do something terrible, like throw herself into his arms and beg him to kiss her again and this time never let her go.

“I just want to help. I know we don’t know each other well. Hell, we just met. But from what I do know, I think you’re amazing. Stronger than you think. I hoped that talking to this woman would help you come to terms—”

Belatedly, she shoved at him, but he didn’t move. His strength and vitality angered her, and she slapped at him with her palms. “With what? My blindness? News flash! I’ll never come to terms with it.”

“I know you think that now, but you’ve already done so much to—”

“You don’t get it, do you?” she screamed. She began beating at his chest with her fists. “I don’t want to be blind! I don’t want to be disabled for the rest of my life! Dependent on others. Having to trust strangers. Never knowing, truly, where I’m going or where I’ve been. I don’t want any of that.”

He gripped her wrists and shook her. His voice rose, losing some of its usual control. “What do you want?”

It was crazy for him to ask her. Crazy for her to answer. But she did anyway. Suddenly, all her natural defenses fell apart, and she blurted out her deepest desires, not only to him, but to the entire world. “I want what I can’t have! Not just to be alive, but to live. Adventure. Beauty. Pleasure. Sex. Sex with you. Only I can’t have that, can I? I can’t have any of it!”

She stilled, her head hanging, her breaths shooting in and out of her like a locomotive. Why had she said that? Why had she said any of it? Now he would—

“Yes, you can.”

She jerked, still caught in his firm grip. But he wasn’t hurting her. His thumbs rubbed soft circles along her inner wrists, touching her the way he had when he’d traced her hands with his finger. “What? But you said—”

“I can’t give you a relationship, not one that will last. But pleasure?” He leaned his forehead gently against hers, so that his scent drifted around her. Hypnotizing her. “If that’s what you really want, I can definitely give you that. More pleasure than you can handle.”

CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE

M
AC
WAS
GETTING
used to reading her. Not so much her eyes, but the other ways she revealed emotion. The way she tightened her mouth when she was pissed, or let it fall slightly open when she allowed herself to relax. And she blushed easily—when she was embarrassed or angry, yes, but especially when she was turned on. The redder she got, the more she wanted him. She was a pretty pale pink right now, and he wanted to push her harder. Higher. Until her face was cherry-red, screaming out her desire for him.

But she pressed her lips together and once again tried to pull her wrists from his hands. “Don’t you dare feel sorry for me. I don’t need a pity fuck.”

What the hell? Was that what she really thought? He dragged one of her hands down and pressed it against the straining length of his erection. “Neither do I. You may not have your sight, Natalie, but you sure as hell know what this means. And it’s been like this ever since I met you. Whenever I think about you. Before I knew you were blind. Afterwards. Now.”

She pulled her hand away. “You—you must have some kind of fetish—”

“Didn’t you hear me?
Before
I knew you were blind. And the woman I wanted to introduce you to? She’s friends with Jase’s sister. Blind. Plenty attractive. Single. And I wasn’t tempted to kiss or do anything ‘more,’ as you called it, in the slightest.”

Her brows crinkled as she took that in.

“I’m no charity worker, so don’t get the wrong idea. I can give you pleasure, but you know what? I’d expect a whole lot in return. And I have no doubt you can give it to me.”

She moistened her lips, her little pink tongue darting out and leaving a slick shine behind. Mac groaned, barely stopping himself from going after her tongue like a search dog with a scent.

“Look, this is crazy,” she said. “I—I’m sorry for saying what I did. For everything I’ve said. You were right before. Neither one of us needs this right now.”

“That’s true. Everything I said was reasonable. We don’t need it. But I want it. And I think I’m changing my mind about whether you should take it. Because I
want
you to take all of me, Natalie. Every hard inch.”

It just slipped out. He wasn’t trying to be vulgar. But at his words, her breath hitched, her eyelashes fluttered, and her face turned the exact color he’d been hoping for—cherry-red.

Of course.

She couldn’t see him that well, but she could hear him. And she obviously liked it when he talked dirty to her.

The realization made the final shreds of his professional demeanor drop away. He was no longer a cop, and she was no longer a witness. There was no debating whether he wanted to complicate his life or whether she was too vulnerable for a sexual relationship. He was just a man who desperately wanted this woman. Wanted to show her with every part of his body that she wasn’t just beautiful, but as passionate, unique and multifaceted as the pictures she used to take.

She needed to feel like a woman again, and he needed to be the man to give her that.

He tugged her closer and leaned down until he was whispering in her ear.

“Let me tell you what it would be like. Just tell you. Can I do that?”

He waited several beats, but she didn’t respond. He took that as a yes. “Here’s what’s going to happen first. I’m going to kiss you. Touch you. Make sure you’re so wet that when I slide into you, you’re going to feel stuffed full, but also like a part of you that was missing has suddenly found its way home. Then I’m going to lay back and let you be the sexy, warrior woman that you are.”

She shivered, and he ran the backs of his fingers down her arms, feeling the goose bumps that had formed on them. His own muscles were tight as he imagined what he was describing.

“You’re going to ride me to your pleasure while I play with your breasts and suck your nipples. Then, when you’ve rested a bit, you’re going to suck my cock, and I’m going to come inside your mouth.”

She moaned, and her hands moved to grip his biceps. He closed his eyes, enjoying the strength of her grip. He kissed the side of her neck, just under her ear, tongued and sucked the tender skin there. Shifting slightly, he caressed the sides of her breasts. She leaned closer, resting her forehead on his chest so he could feel her breaths through his shirt.

“Then I’m going to take you, but this time, I’m going to do the riding. With you on your back, legs spread wide, your feet on my shoulders. I’m going to pound into you while I stare into those pretty eyes of yours and I’m not going to stop until you come again. And finally—”

She raised one hand to his mouth as if to quiet him, but her touch was light. Sensuous rather than restraining. He licked between her fingers. “That’s right. You read my mind. I’m going to bury my face in your heat and lick you. Until you’re wetter than you’ve ever been in your whole life, and begging me to take you again.” He cupped her breasts, kneading their heavy weight and pinching her nipples through her tee while he sucked at her fingers.

She withdrew her hand and pulled back slightly. He moved his own hands to rest them lightly on her hips and cleared his throat. “That’s how it’d be. For starters.”

They both stood still, their breaths soughing in and out. He waited for her to say something, but she didn’t and he hesitated, not sure whether to push even more. He didn’t want to misread her. Hell, if she decided to report him, he could kiss his career goodbye. Dropping his hands, he prepared to move away.

And gasped when she lowered her hand and once more cupped him with her palm. She squeezed him tentatively. Then harder before rubbing him.

Her face was flaming red, all right, her eyes shining with heat. And if he wasn’t mistaken, she had the slightest smile on her face.

“What if it’s you that ends up begging me to take you?”

His smile split his face. “Give it your best shot, baby.”

* * *

M
AC
’
S
CHALLENGE
hung in the air while he grew even harder against her palm.

When she didn’t move, he said, “Believe me, it’ll be the easiest challenge you’ve ever won, Natalie.” Taking her hand away from his erection, he kissed the center, then pulled her toward him at the same time as he reclined back on the sofa. She perched on the cushion next to him, her bravado fleeing her.

“I’m going to put my hands behind my head. I won’t move them, not until you tell me your ready. You can do whatever you want to me, Natalie. However little. However much. No matter what you do, I guarantee I’ll love it.”

She licked her lips, and she was sure he could see her indecision all over her face. She wanted to touch him. Explore his body. Discover his taste and texture and whether they changed the more aroused he became. But bottom line, she was afraid. What if her fumbling turned him off? If he changed his mind?

“I can’t.”

“Why?” No anger. No pressure. Just mild curiosity. At least, that’s how his voice sounded.

“You just think you want this.”

“No—”

“I’m a curiosity. Play with the blind girl before you leave town.” The thought caused her eyes to sting, and she blinked rapidly. “But you’ll compare me to the other women you’ve been with, and you’ll find me lacking, I know you will.”

He sat up and cupped her face. “That’s impossible. No woman has turned me on the way you do. All you have to do is touch me and you’ll give me more pleasure than any other woman has. Now, come on. It’s just us. No one sneaking into your home. No one tricking you into a car. No weirdo—okay, none except for me—sitting next to you on a bench. Just me. You were brave all those times. You can be brave now, too.”

“You’re not weird. You’re incredible.” She spoke honestly, and she didn’t regret it. He was, quite simply, a good person. A dedicated cop. Not perfect, but with a pure heart—or as pure as any mortal’s could be.

“I like to think so. But my ego’s been taking a bruising since I met you. It needs some reassurance.”

She saw his shadow move and felt the sofa dip under her. He’d lain back down.

His descriptions of what they’d do together flew through her mind, arousing her but also intimidating her. “What kind of reassurance?”

“A kiss might help. For starters. I’ve been fantasizing about that kiss we shared for days.”

“Me, too.” Her quiet admission slipped out.

“Then come here,” he whispered.

She could no longer resist. She hadn’t just been fantasizing about their kiss; she’d been obsessing about it. How incredible it had felt. How wonderful he had tasted. As soon as her lips touched his, she knew it hadn’t been her imagination.

As it had been the first time, their lips met with a delicate caress that quickly became more. She opened her mouth to the invasion of his tongue, and then, not content to let him take the lead, she wielded her own tongue to explore the sweet, dark recesses of his mouth. He moaned and angled his head for a better fit.

Something primal took over her body. Her fingers dropped to his chest, unbuttoning buttons so fast a few of them popped off, but she didn’t stop. She caressed each patch of warm, muscular skin as it was bared, then followed with her mouth while her hand worked at his pants.

He hissed when she shoved down his zipper, then raised his hips so she could tug off his pants and his underwear in one smooth motion. She ran her hands from his feet upwards, feeling the light sprinkle of hair on his calves and the sheer power of his thighs. The sensations registered quickly, almost too quick for her mind to keep up with her hands, but she wanted to soak it all in, now, before this dream ended and she woke, alone and disoriented in her bed.

“This isn’t a dream, baby,” he growled. “It’s real. Feel how real.”

She must have spoken out loud, but she didn’t have time to worry about it before he guided her fingers to his erection and wrapped them around it. He was so big. Hard and smooth. Thick with veins that pulsed along his shaft and a tip that was already wet.

She didn’t worry about trying to imagine what he looked like through her touch, only about pleasing him and being pleased in the process. It didn’t matter what he looked like.

This was Mac. That was all that mattered.

She pumped him in her fist several times, relishing his cries for mercy, then dipped her head, rooting for him with her mouth.

She wanted to taste him. And she did. He was an explosion of salty/sweet nirvana on her tongue. What an aphrodisiac must taste like, wholly satisfying even as it fed her hunger for more. She swirled her tongue around the head of him and cupped his balls, noting how he jerked in her mouth and lost enough control that he tangled his hands in her hair.

She pulled back. “No hands,” she reminded him. Teasing him. Imagining a scowl overcoming his face, like a little boy who’d been told he couldn’t have dessert until he finished his dinner.

His fingers tightened, and for a second she wondered if he’d ignore her. But with what seemed like supreme effort, he let go of her and choked out, “Sorry.”

“No need to be,” she said before lowering her mouth again. She showed him how forgiving she could be by taking as much of him as she could, then pulling back. Taking him, then pulling back. Again and again until he was indeed begging, just as she’d teased he would.

“Now you. Take off your clothes. Please.”

She didn’t even hesitate. She wanted to feel him against her. Skin on skin. The way he’d talked dirty to her earlier, the promises he’d made, echoed in her ears. She peeled off her clothes and climbed on top of him, ready to take him inside her and ride him just as he’d predicted.

“Wait. I want to touch you.”

She hesitated. She was already reeling from pleasure and wasn’t sure if she could handle more.

“Please. I’m begging you.”

After a brief moment’s pause, she nodded.

She waited, but instead of cupping her breasts as she expected, he sat up and cupped her face. Kissed her again. This time slowly. Deeply. As if he wanted to savor the moment. He stroked her hair, her ears, the side of her neck, and then finally he cupped her breasts. “You’re so beautiful,” he said.

She arched into his hands,
feeling
beautiful. He pinched her nipples, tugging gently, then firmly, then gently again. Each time, she gasped. Shifted her hips until she’d aligned her core with his and ground down.

He grabbed her hips and arched upwards, rubbing directly against her clitoris. Shards of ecstasy cut through her, almost painful in their intensity. He did it again. And again. And then he slipped his hand between her legs and found her with his thumb.

She’d thought the pleasure was unbearable before. When he focused that small pad of flesh on her own and slicked circles around it, then flicked it directly, she literally thought she was going to die from the pleasure. Before she knew what was happening, her hips were moving in time to his caresses, and the pleasure was climbing higher and higher and higher. Until she was on the edge of something huge and about to fall in.

Into a huge, dark abyss with no lifeline to guide her back.

“Stop. Please, stop,” she said, her urgency unmistakable.

His hand stilled, and she heard him struggling for breath. “Why stop? You were about to come.”

She shook her head frantically. “I—I don’t want to come.”

“Bullshit,” he said, his voice hardening. “You said you wanted pleasure. Sex.”

“I did. I do. I want that and you’ve given it to me. I want you to come, but I—I can’t. I mean, I don’t want to.”

“Too bad. I don’t operate that way.”

She sensed him leaning up to kiss her, and she turned her head and held him off. “I’m telling you I don’t need it. I don’t want it.”

“You want it. You’re just scared. Deal with it.”

“I can’t, don’t you understand? I can’t lose control!”

“Sex is all about losing control, Natalie. Giving it to your partner. You wanted me. You’re going to have me. All of me.”

He patted her clit again, then slowly pushed a thick finger inside her. It stretched her and almost short-circuited her brain.