Seeing Julia (26 page)

And, I am here. And, he is there. On that island. More than an ocean away from me, now.

On some level, my body and mind both know time isn’t going to bring him back, but acceptance comes by degrees with the inevitable rolling of each ocean wave to this shore, this life. My island’s all but gone now, a passing glimmer in my mind and so far away from me now.

I am here. And he is there and lost to me forever.

≈ ≈

You are here.

The building map diagrams the fortieth floor of Hamilton Equities. I lean closer to get a better look.

You Are Here. The words are written in big bold letters. In case of fire, go here. There’s a thick red line that zigzags across the map outlining the way to the stairs. To here.

I look around and locate the red exit sign and the sign depicting stairs.
Where do I go to get back to my island?
I gaze at the building’s map again and wonder where he is. Where’s my island now? Because not a day has gone by that I haven’t wanted to go there and be where he is. But, I am here. I look at the sign, again, for an answer, for anything, that might signal where he is.

You are here.
Am I?

≈ ≈

“Mrs. Hamilton.”

I’m engulfed in a warm fleshy embrace and the faintest hint of Joy perfume. Evan’s assistant.

“Mrs.”

I panic trying to remember the woman’s name. Evan talked about her all the time.
Think, Julia. Think.

“Call me Maggie, dear. Mrs. Talbon makes me sound so stuffy.” Her laugh resembles the giggle of a girl more than a woman with silver hair. She crushes me in her sweet embrace. “Everyone calls me Maggie. Evan did, too.” She touches my cheek with hers and starts to pull away; I miss her touch already and fail in letting her go. She fingers my hair and touches my face. Then, she moves in for a tighter embrace before she steps back from me.

“Call me Julia,” I say.

“You look wonderful, Julia.” Her voice is wistful and I know she wishes it were true. She squeezes my hand and smiles, while her brown eyes bestow sympathy and simple promise.

“Not really,” I say. Her embrace has unchained me from my outwardly-composed-I’m-fine self. My eyes sting with unshed tears. Maggie sighs, reaches out, and pulls me to her again.

“You look a little tired, but still lovely, Julia. I’m so glad you’ve come.” She glances at her watch. “They’re not here right now. Some big meeting uptown.” She looks unsure for a moment and inclines her head. “But never mind that. Let’s just get you settled.”

“I don’t plan to stay. I mean. I don’t know why I’m here. Kimberley told me to meet her here. I had some time, so it seemed like a good idea to come by … and, here I am.”

I point to the You Are Here sign as a way of explanation and run out of words.
Why am I here
?

Maggie Talbon folds her arms across her chest, tilts her head to the other side, and studies my face once more. Then, she takes my hand and leads me down the hall.

Mahogany lines all the walls and we tap our way across the slate floors. The entire hallway portrays this restrained prosperity. I’m overwhelmed with the memory of the first time Evan brought me here. I’d teased him about the opulence of this place. He’d just laughed and said, “We have to look like we make money to play, baby.” I smile, remembering how often he called me that.

Maggie swings open the corner office door to Evan’s glass wall view and steps back. I glance at the humongous desk and the white leather sofa located nearby. My smile deepens. We made love right there on that very sofa, late one night, on one of our first official first dates. There weren’t too many of those, since he proposed a month after we’d officially met, but I definitely remember that one.

“I’ll get you some tea,” Maggie says from behind me.

“That would be … wonderful.” I’m buoyed up by her kindness and comforted by being in this room again.

You are here.

≈ ≈

I swirl in the executive leather chair and catch glimpses of the spectacular views— the greenness of Battery Park, the long-gone promise of Ellis Island, the shimmery blue of the Hudson, and the symbols of wealth that gleam in the austerity of glass and stone. I carousel by it all only stopping long enough to sip the tea Maggie Talbon brought me. Her last words continue to console me somehow. “I’ll just leave you to it.”

Leave me to what, I’m not sure. I don’t know why I’m here.

I close my eyes and feel my island’s proximity stir closer with the faintest hint of his cologne that still permeates from the leather of his chair. Armani was my first gift to him. “It reminded me of you,” I’d said as he opened it. I still remember his genuine look of surprise at my unexpected present. We’d only seen each other a couple of times and both of us had already admitted we weren’t even sure where this thing between us was going, but he wore it every day after that. And, two weeks later, four weeks after we officially met, we both knew where things were going.

You are here.

≈ ≈

I stir awake at the sound of voices in the hall outside Evan’s office door. Christian’s distinct French accent and Jake’s southern one echo in the hallway and ricochet back to me. I haven’t seen Jake for two months.

“She’s going to have to be told. It’s not something we can hide from her forever,” Jake says. “I know you all want to give her more time, but we’ve run out of it, Christian; and Wells basically just told us that.”

“I know. It’s just … she’s had a lot to deal with in Paris, just returning here, and Reid’s first birthday is this weekend. It’s going to be hard for her without Evan,” Christian says. “Maybe after that, we’ll tell her.”

I fling open the Evan’s office door. Both their faces register shock at seeing me. “Tell me what?”

Jake recovers first. He tries to smile and sticks out his hand. “Julia, it’s nice to see you again.” I’m assailed by the memory of Bobby’s first greeting and can feel the heat rise in my face at seeing Jake Winston again after the fireworks of our last encounter. My anger starts to build; I haven’t heard from him, since our
wait and see
call two months before. Not one word about my note or the origami crane mobile that accompanied it.
Complications, really?

“Jake.” I incline my head towards him and ignore his extended hand. He looks uncertain. I lift my head in defiance.
No, I’m not going to make it easy for you.

I glance over at Christian who gives me an even more anxious look than Jake is now. Christian shares the same peacemaking trait as his wife and strives to protect me as much as Steph and Kimmy do. “Tell me what,” I say in a firm voice.

“Not here,” Christian says. He shoots Jake a pleading look and then looks back at me with a forced smile. His normal reassurance is absent and apprehension moves in on me.

“Oh good, you’ve found Mrs. Hamilton,” Maggie says from behind them. “I just stepped away for a moment. Can I bring anyone coffee or something to eat?”

Both men say, “no,” at the same time.

“Well, well, this is quite the reunion,” Kimberley says from down the hall. She does double-time to catch up to us, her heels click along the floor in quick succession. “What exactly do we need to be telling Julia?” She pushes her way past Maggie with a warm smile for the older woman and then glares at Christian and Jake. Next, she throws her arm around my neck and pulls me to her. “I thought we all agreed we were going to wait?”

“Tell me what?” I ask.

I am here.

≈ ≈

My inner circle, including Brad and apparently Jake, gather around the dining room table at Kimberley’s apartment in Tribeca. There was a brief two minutes of consternation at Brad’s arrival, but I think the interaction between them has tempered our close-knit group enough so they understand that Brad and Kimberley are the real deal. Everyone seems in awe of their magic as much as I was the first time I saw them together in Paris. Except for Jake, who arrived after Brad and doesn’t seem to understand the dynamics of what’s going on at all. I’m restless and get up to peruse the loft; it holds so many memories for me. I feel Jake’s eyes upon me as I cruise around.

“Thomas Wells is like the canary in the coal mine, the first warning sign of trouble,” Jake says. “He’s the first sign of things to come. He thinks the market is overcharged and he’s pulling out while he can. There will be others. A hedge fund works like a bank account. We use other people’s large sums of money to play with in the market—and when they want their money, after a contractual amount of time, we give it back to them. But when everyone wants their money at the same time after the required term…”

“We can fold,” I say into the ensuing silence.

“Right,” Jake says. “Look, I’m sorry we didn’t tell you sooner, preparing you, instead of springing it on you like this. I wanted to, but everyone else wanted to wait. And there’s validity to that strategy. Why worry you about something none of us can control? But now, we have to try and figure out a plan of some kind before all the investors want their money all at once. If that happens, Hamilton Equities could be wiped out depending upon market conditions and timing.”

“There’s no confidence in my being chairman. Is there?” I stare at Jake, willing him to answer.

“No,” he says after a long silence.

“The financial sector is still largely a man’s world,” Kimberley says. She comes to stand beside me and takes my hand. “We thought we could stave this off a little longer, but the market isn‘t cooperating and the media is picking up on any negativity they can find and Evan’s death happens to be one of them.” She lets go of my hand and retrieves a newspaper article from her folder and hands it to me.

I scan the headline:
Widow Assumes Chairman position at Hamilton Equities. What’s next?
The picture with the article is less than flattering. I look lost and out of place. The photo captures me walking in front of the Hamilton Equities building from months before with the caption:
Chairman makes rare appearance at the office.
The article starts, “As new chairman of Hamilton Equities, we hope Mrs. Evan Hamilton is finding the financial answers she seeks, but we have our doubts. Few have seen her grace the offices of Hamilton Equities since the unexpected death of her young husband, Evan Hamilton. She’s spent most of her time away in Paris.” I stop reading and glance around the table at all of them. Stephanie pushes back her chair and comes over and puts her arm around me.

“It’s all a bit much to take in; isn’t it, Julia?” Stephanie asks. “First Evan. Now his company. I say we table this discussion until after Reid’s birthday celebration tomorrow. Then, let’s just spend the weekend at your beach house and figure this whole thing out. Jake, are you going to be able to make it?”