Secondhand Sinners (6 page)

Jack was twisting out of Emily’s grasp and yelling, “I wanna ride Abby’s horse! I wanna ride Abby’s horse!”

“I’m really sorry, but I’ve been riding for years. We won’t go far, just right over there.”

The horses were starting to spook from Jack’s yelling. Emily looked in the direction Abby had indicated.

“You could come with us,” Abby said. “Daddy has plenty of room on his saddle for another person.”

Miller closed his eyes and visualized the padlock he would use to lock his daughter in her room when they got back home. She wasn’t even trying to be subtle. When he opened his eyes, he saw that Emily was losing her grip on Jack. He got off his horse and laid a hand on Jack’s shoulder, which calmed him a bit. “That’s okay, Em. You don’t have to.”

“He’ll have a fit until I let him.”

“Let’s give it a try, then. If he doesn’t like it, we’ll all walk back.”

She nodded. Miller helped Jack up on Abby’s horse, giving her his best we’ll-talk-about-this-later look. Then he climbed on his horse and helped Emily up in front of him.

“Jack,” Emily said, “listen to Abby and tell her if you need to get down.”

Abby was already giving him instructions. He didn’t even notice his mom.

Emily held the horn of the saddle, and Miller reached around her to take the reins. He didn’t know where to put his hands. The last time they were on a horse together, he held the reins with one hand and slid the other under her t-shirt to hold her around her waist. That certainly wasn’t going to happen. Instead, he put his free hand to the side and noted that her shampoo smelled like spearmint.

Abby was already halfway across the fields helping Jack search the ground for rocks. Miller leaned into Emily and said, “I’m really sorry. Abby doesn’t know about us…you know…from before. She thinks I should start dating, and you look like a pretty good prospect to her. Hell, you’re the only prospect.”

Emily nodded without saying a word.

“While she’s busy scanning the ground for a pile of rocks, it might be my only chance to tell you something.”

Her back stiffened.

“I’m sorry if I upset you this morning.”

Again, she silently nodded. Miller read her silence as anger or impatience.

Up ahead, Abby and Jack walked towards one of the stock ponds. Miller reined in his horse and spoke in her ear, “I’ll get down and go back. You go on ahead with the kids. You can tell them—”

“No.” Emily reached down. She took his hand and slid it over her stomach. He hooked it around her waist, and she leaned back against his chest. When she laid her head against his shoulder, it was exactly like he remembered it. He wanted it to last forever, so he walked the horse as slow as he could.

They stayed like that until Jack cried out, “Yes! Jupiter!”

“I guess we should catch up to them,” Miller said.

“Yeah.”

Emily straightened up, and Miller pulled his hand away. After they caught up to the kids, they all spent the next hour rummaging for rocks and wild blackberries. That was Abby’s idea too, God bless her. The whole time, Miller kept noticing a sensation in the hand that had touched Emily’s bare skin. It was some kind of an ache, like when a limb falls asleep and st
arts to get some feeling back.

CHAPTER SIX

Emily

Emily lay back on Miller’s bed, holding the baseball cap she came upstairs to get for Jack, and stared at the ceiling. What the hell was she doing? She’d been in town for less than twenty-four hours, and she’d already spent more time with Miller than she had with her ex in the last month of their marriage. Why did she do that thing with his hand? She knew her hand was reaching down to take his, knew she was sliding it over her stomach, and the whole time she was thinking:
Don’t do it. Do it! Don’t do it. Do it!

God she was weak. When Abby asked to show Jack her collection of rope knots, she should have refused. Then when she noticed sunburn on Jack’s cheeks, and Miller told her she could get one of his hats from his closet, she should have said they needed to get back to Levi’s.

But no. There she was, lying on Miller’s bed, holding a baseball cap and relaxing under the breeze of a ceiling fan. If she was being completely truthful, though, she was relieved Jack had a playmate besides herself for a while. Five minutes alone in a room with no talk about cartoons or the solar system was pure bliss.

She found the cap, and since she was alone in the cool room with no urgent desire to get back to her son, she looked at the books that were stacked on top of Miller’s old dresser and picked up the picture of Sara—the only visible trace of her in the house—that was on the dresser next to the books. She smoothed the dark blue blanket that was lying on Miller’s queen-sized bed and lay down on top of it. She did all that because she could. Because no one, for those few minutes she was alone, needed her. She was so tired. That’s why she was making so many dumb decisions. If she could close her eyes for five minutes, she’d probably stop being so annoyingly agreeable. God, it was quiet. She’d forgotten what it was like to not have the constant hum of city life all around her. She closed her eyes.

Five minutes
, she promised herself.
Five minutes.

***

“If they try that again, you run. Run as hard and as far as you can. Don’t look back.”

“I couldn’t.”

“Yes you can.”

“I’ll get lost.”

“Then I’ll come find you.”

Emily opened her eyes. Why did she have the dream again? Where was she? What time was it? She couldn’t even remember what day it was. Then it hit her. She’d fallen asleep on Miller’s bed.

Five minutes. I only wanted five minutes.
Jack? Oh shit. Where’s Jack?

She sat up and rushed out of the room. A head rush hit her as soon as she reached the doorway. She gripped the door jamb to steady herself and took deep breaths until the house stopped spinning. When she got down the stairs, she looked in the living room. No one was there. She realized the house was completely quiet. Outside. They must be outside.

Or at the Emergency Room.

Emily started for the back door, halting in the kitchen when she noticed some decorated cookies laid out on wax paper on the countertop. They were shaped like planets and stars. She recognized Saturn by the thin strip of dough that made up the ring. She’d given Jack Styrofoam balls, rocks, clay, play-dough and construction paper to make his planets. She’d never thought to use cookie dough with icing and sprinkles.

Next to the wax paper was a note in Miller’s handwriting:

Gone Fishing
.

Jack must have been driving them crazy. That was her best-case scenario. She felt so guilty for falling asleep for…she looked at the clock on the microwave.

Oh God. Three hours?

Emily rushed out the door and jogged the quarter-mile to the nearest stock pond. Though she’d been gone for fourteen years, she still knew the land. As she got closer, Jack’s screaming pierced the quiet, and she broke into a sprint. She stopped short when she saw Jack sitting in the dirt with a rod in his hand. Miller was behind him, straddling him and helping him reel in his tight line. Jack wasn’t screaming, though. He was laughing. It was marvelous. She wanted him to laugh forever.

Abby stood behind Miller, cheering Jack on. “Go, Jack! You did it!”

Jack caught a fish. While sitting in the dirt. Now he’s laughing.

Emily thought she should walk away before anyone noticed her. She wanted to go somewhere, close her eyes tight, and burn the image into her brain before another fit came and wiped it away. She didn’t, though. She wanted to see him pull his catch in. She had been present for so many gut-wrenching moments in her son’s life: the day the developmental pediatrician said the word
autism,
the time the autism doctor strapped him to a papoose board and drew seven vials of blood while he screamed, the first time she tried to give him one of those B12 shots and ended up bruising him. Then there was the day he got sent home from kindergarten because someone argued with him over Pluto’s planet status and he ended up having a meltdown in the middle of the cafeteria floor. When she got to school to get him, she found him screaming on the floor of the cafeteria with four bewildered adults standing over him. Now Emily had the chance to be present in a moment when Jack did something a typical kid’s parents took for granted.

She clasped her hands, squeezed them and begged, “Please let him get it. Please.”

“Okay, buddy,” Miller said. “You got it. Keep reeling it in.”

His hand covered Jack's on the reel. When Miller took his hand away, Emily could see that Jack was turning the handle in the wrong direction.

She squeezed her hands tighter together and whispered, “No. No. The other way, baby. The other way.”

The rod lost its arc, and the line went loose.

Abby bent over and said something that Emily couldn’t hear over Jack’s screams of, “What’s happening? What’s happening?”

Miller took the rod from him and turned the handle until he pulled up an empty hook. Jack started to cry and flap his hands, slapping Miller’s arms. Emily rushed to get Jack before he hit Miller any more. A situation like this was always ended up with Jack’s father throwing his hands up and yelling, “I can’t do anything with this kid!”

Miller put the rod aside, caught jack’s wrists with his hands, crossed them over his body and wrapped him in a deep hug. “It’s all right, Jack. We’ve got more worms. We’ll try again.”

Emily was stunned. “Where did you learn that?” she asked him, closing the gap between them.

Miller looked up at her. “What?”

“How to hold him like that.”

“Internet.”

“The Internet?”

“I did some research yesterday after Abby said Jack might be different.”

“He has Asperger’s and sensory problems. That’s why he needs the deep pressure.”

“Am I doing this wrong?”

“No. He’s calmed down so you’re doing it right. It’s…well hell, I paid an occupational therapist seventy-five dollars an hour to teach me how to do that.”

“Shoot.” Miller smiled. “I’d only charge you fifty.”

“Guess what, Mom!” Jack called out from Miller’s bear hug. “Miller doesn’t defrost his bait in the microwave either.”

“Well that’s a relief.”

“I’m gonna catch a fish, and then I’m gonna eat it.”

She sat down next to Miller. “That’s awesome, buddy. I can’t wait to see it.”

Miller released Jack and baited the hook with another worm. He cast the line into the water and handed the rod to Jack.

“I’m so sorry,” Emily said. “I only planned on closing my eyes for five minutes.”

Miller looked out at where the hook hit the water. “It’s fine.”

“I can’t believe I slept for three hours. I never do that.”

“I said it was fine.”

“He’s been having so many fits lately. I hope he was okay.”

“Dear God, Emily. Shut up.”

“What?”

“Ummmm. You said ‘shut up,’” Jack said.

“Has it been so long since you’ve been fishing that you forgot that fish won’t bite if you’re talking? You were tired. You fell asleep. No big deal. If we needed you, we would have woken you up.”

“It’s just that I know how difficult he can be.”

Miller turned the handle of the reel a few tics. “Jesus, Emily. Take a breath. Everything’s fine, and if Jack did have a problem, everything would still be fine. When was the last time you relaxed?”

“The last time I relaxed I fell asleep in someone’s bed for three hours.”

“Like I said,” Miller said with a smirk, “relax.”

CHAPTER SEVEN

Miller

Miller averted his eyes away from Emily as she bent down to say something to Jack, who was still sitting in front of him and waiting to get his hook baited so he could catch a second fish. She looked uncomfortable, which was making him feel awkward, and that was pissing him off. They were never awkward with each other, not even before their first time in that field behind that barn. If anyone should feel uncomfortable, it should be him. He was the one with the bomb to drop. He sneaked another look at her, longer this time.

“What?” she asked without looking at him.

“Nothing.” He snapped his attention back to the worm on the hook. Busted for staring. Damn. Okay, now he was a little uncomfortable.

“You can say it,” she said softly.

“Say what?”

“Whatever it is you want to say.”

“I don’t want to say anything.”

“How about I let you down? Or I screwed everything up? Trust me, whatever it is you’re thinking right now, I’ve already thought it, felt it, and lived it.”

What she said was true…all of it. However, if he wanted her to show him a little mercy, he’d damn sure better extend some to her. “You did what you had to do.”

“I guess.” She lay back onto the grass and took a deep breath.

Good. Looked like she was going to relax a little.

“Is that a storm cloud?”

Or maybe not. “No.”

“It sure seems dark.”

“Weather called for a few showers today, no storms.”

“Are you sure? ‘Cause it—”

“Tell me something, Jack,” Miller said, casting the newly loaded hook out into the water. “Does your mom talk this much all the time?”

“Yep. All the time.”

“I do not. I’m worried it’s going to rain.”

Miller looked down at her out of the corner of one eye. “That’s not going to stop the fish from biting.”

“I know that.”

“So you’re afraid to get wet?”

She rolled over to her side, propping herself up on her bent elbow and facing him. The V in her t-shirt sagged a little and gave Miller a clear view of cleavage and…oh God she had on a lace bra. He looked away and tried to focus on helping Jack bring in the line.

“I’m not afraid to get wet. I don’t know what Jack will do if we’re caught in a storm.”

“What do you think, Jack?” he asked with two more clicks of the reel. “Should we give up and go back to the house?”

“No way.” Jack shook his head. “I have to catch fish for dinner.”

“I think your mom’s afraid to get wet, Jack.”

“No I’m not.” Emily sat up. “Remember that time we came out here and it started raining, and so we…we…” She glanced at each of the kids and then at Miller. “Got really wet?”

She was recalling the same memory he had been replaying in his mind ever since she laid down on the blanket next to him. So yeah, he remembered. They had come out to this very pond to be together when it started to rain. She stripped down to her underwear and ran out into the water like she didn’t have a care in the world. He liked seeing her in nothing but her bra and panties. After he followed suit and chased her out into the deep, he loved the way her bare skin felt on his. Mostly he loved that being with him made her feel wild and free. He was her refuge and that made him feel more like a man than any amount of sex they’d ever had. He missed that feeling almost as much as he missed her.

“I do remember that,” he said, trying hard to concentrate on Jack’s rod and reel. “I remember it all the time. This place is a minefield of memories.”

Damn. Things were starting to lighten up between the two of them, and he had to go throw a wet blanket of awkward over the whole encounter.

“I shouldn’t have said that.”

“It’s okay. I understand.”

A few seconds and a few clicks of the reel later, the line came up with nothing but a dead soggy worm still skewered on the hook. He sort of envied that worm. He was about to cast the line back out until he noticed Emily taking off her little white tennis shoes. “What are you doing?”

“I’m showing you that I’m not afraid to get wet.”

Emily walked barefooted to the edge of the water, briefly glancing back in his direction and throwing him a look he recognized so well it startled him. She was daring him, inviting him, begging him to follow her. Or that was just what he was hoping to see. She took off running into the water, and he sat there like a fool watching her.

Abby snatched the rod from him and whispered, “Go!”

“Huh?”

“Go, Daddy. Follow her.”

“I don’t think—”

“You’re not supposed to think. Go. Now’s your chance to spend your weekend doing something fun.”

“I have fun.”

“Reading the same Tom Clancy books over and over is not fun. Go, Daddy. I’m begging you. She wants you to go with her.”

Abby had him pegged. Here he sat, frozen with fear that he would say the wrong thing or do the wrong thing and Emily expected him to be following her. She
was
expecting him, wasn’t she?

Emily was in the water up to her waist when she twirled around and motioned for him. “Are you coming, or are you too afraid?” she yelled and then laughed.

He pulled his boots and his socks off and ran out to meet her. When he got close enough to grab for her, she screamed and dove under the water. He dove under too and swam as hard as he could, despite his wet jeans weighing him down. Even in the murky water, he got hold of her leg. She kicked free.

“See?” she said, swimming backward and splashing water at him. “I’m not afraid.”

“Neither am I.” He lunged for her once more, seizing her wrist, and pulled her to him. To his surprise, and delight, she didn’t resist. Maybe it was because she couldn’t touch and he could. Feeling more confident than he had in years, he took hold of her around the waist and pulled her closer. They stared at each other as they sucked in deep breaths.

“I’m out of shape,” she said.

“You’re in great shape.” He couldn’t stop looking at her lips. They were so inviting and he wanted to kiss her worse than he’d wanted anything.

Emily wrapped her arms around Miller’s neck and her legs around his waist, putting them face to face, nose to nose, lips to lips. Other body parts were touching too. He didn’t dare concentrate on those.

“I think about that time we swam in the rain too,” she said. “All the time. I wanted to get you out here so I could tell you that without the little ears listening. I also wanted to thank you for being so nice to Jack.”

“You’re welcome.” He couldn’t stop staring at her lips. What was wrong with him?

She gently bit her bottom lip as she pushed his hair off his face. It was so simple yet so intimate that it sent a surge of desire through him that was so strong it nearly overwhelmed him. He had her in his arms again. How could he ever let her go? He couldn’t. Yet every decision he’d made up to this moment in his life was based upon the belief that Emily didn’t want him, that she would never come back, and that he wouldn’t want her even if she did. A few drops of rain fell around them.

She wrapped her arms tighter around his neck and shook her head. “I can’t—”

“Mooooom! You’re scaring all the fish!”

Emily sighed. “I almost forgot about Jack and Abby.”

Jack and Abby? Who were Jack and Abby? And what was she about to say? She couldn’t what?

“I guess we should get back.”

He nodded like an idiot, and, like an even bigger idiot, he let her go. Again.

***

Back at the house, Miller pulled a t-shirt and pair of sweatpants out of his dresser and left them in Abby’s bathroom for Emily. Then he went to his own bathroom and showered, which was a terrible idea because all he could think about was the fact that both he and Emily were naked in his house at the same time. Fish guts. That’s what he needed to concentrate on. Fish guts. He rushed through his shower, got dressed, and hurried outside to clean the fish they caught because there was nothing sexy about that.

Jack was watching TV in the living room.

Abby was in the kitchen, leaning against the counter and filing her fingernails. “Not interested, huh?”

“It’s not what it—”

“I know you’re not going to tell me it’s not what it looked like. I saw the way you looked at her and the way she looked at you.”

“I’m not discussing this with…how did she look at me?”

“Like this.” She held her hands over her heart, batted her eye lashes, and said, “Oh, Miller. I think I’m in love with you.”

“Very funny.”

She dropped her hands and went back to filing her nails. “She might as well have.”

He kissed her on the top of her head. “You have a lot to learn,” he said, then went out to the backyard to start working on the fish.

Abby stuck her head out the door. “I expect a raise in my allowance when this whole thing works out.”

When this whole thing works out.

She
really did have a lot to learn.