Secondhand Sinners (11 page)

He wondered if Emily noticed how much Abby resembled Daniel when she smiled and how she looked like her when she bit her bottom lip. At first, he thought it’d be impossible for Emily not to see it. Somehow, at their first meeting in the police station, she showed no hint of recognition. Then again, she wasn’t looking for it, was she?

It didn't matter whose biological child Abby was,
he
was her father. However, it would devastate Abby to find out he had been lying to her all her life. She was so devastated when Sara left that she ended up with a bout of depression. He would do anything to keep her from hurting again. Including telling Emily the truth.

CHAPTER TWELVE

Emily

Emily picked up her cup of coffee and went downstairs to check on Jack. “Hey, there,” she said, looking for any sign that he was aware of what he walked in on in Miller’s bedroom.

Jack stared at the TV, blinking and delivering a cartoon cow's lines two seconds before he said them.

“What are you watching?”

“
Cow and Chicken
. They have the same mom.”

If there was a hell for letting your kid watch too much stupid TV, she was surely going. Jack hadn't had a single fit since they got to Bokchito. The familiarity of his TV shows probably had a lot to do with that. Still, she needed to get him onto some kind of schedule. The cartoons would lose their magic and she would have to start using his B12 shots. Now that she’d already missed a few doses, they might not even work.

“When this is over, we're going to turn the TV off.” Jack didn't respond so she asked, “Okay?”

He sighed. “Okay.”

“I need more coffee. I’ll be in the kitchen. Okay?”

“Okay. Okay. Okay.”

Emily refilled her mug with coffee and doctored it with the milk and sugar she found. She sat at the table and pondered her next move, something that normally required anti-anxiety drugs surging through her bloodstream. She wondered what she’d have done if she had medication the night Daniel died. There’d been no time to think, only react. Her life had been like that ever since—one reaction after another. Each decision always seemed more urgent and consequential than the last one.

Thinking of Daniel and that awful night made her sad. Even now, fourteen years later, the smallest, most mundane thing could bring back that entire night in such detail that she could feel his breath on her cheek when he said the last thing he’d ever say to her:
“I’m sorry.”
She could hear Verna’s screams when the doctors came out and told her her son was gone. She could still smell the bleach.

Emily got up and started to wash the dishes in the sink, hoping to trick her mind into thinking about something else besides Daniel. She wanted to be happy and hopeful, which only made her feel guilty all over again. If she’d done a better job of protecting him, he’d still be alive.

Would he be happy, though? People with untreated Wilson’s were prone to erratic behavior. Once, after Daniel went a week without his medicine because Hoyt blew his paycheck at the bar, he started a fight with Justin Folsom after a football game. Daniel sucker punched the poor guy because he said he didn’t like country music. Broke Justin’s nose. Then Hoyt nearly broke Daniel’s when he beat him over it.

After that, Emily always made sure he had a way to get his medicine and even stole money and jewelry from Ma'am a few times help him pay for it. It wasn’t because she wanted to keep him out of trouble. She hated to see him deal with the guilt of hurting someone.

She was washing syrup off a plate when the phone rang. Out of habit and a little bit of curiosity, she looked on the phone on the wall to check the caller ID: W&W MECHANIC. She went back to washing off the dishes, and after two more rings, the answering machine clicked on and a man’s voice filled the room.

“Yo, Miller! Heads up, man. Emily’s back in town. I got into work and Vicky said the ladies at the salon caught a glimpse of her coming out the police station the other day. Said she looks terrible. Thought you might like to know that little detail. Had some kind of a retard-kid with her.”

Emily froze, staring at the offensive answering machine.
Retard, huh?

“No one knows where she’s staying, which makes me think she’s somewhere out there on her family’s property. I was hoping to get a hold of you before you went out there and ran into the bitch.”

Bitch?
Who was this guy? Clearly someone who knew she and Miller had a history. For him to know that, Miller would have had to tell him. It didn’t sound like Miller had painted a very flattering picture of her.

“So anyway,”
the voice continued,
“I heard she was in town, and I thought you should know. What was that you used to say back in the day?”

What? What did he used to say
?

“Play your cards right, man, and you might get a chance to give a little shit back to her. Don’t let her get under your skin, though. I’m too old to come haul your ass out of bars anymore. Hehehehehe. God, those were the days, eh?”

There was a click and the machine let out a busy signal for a few seconds then went silent.

Wow
. Emily stood in the middle of the room and stared at the blinking light on the answering machine. Her first thought was,
Who the hell has an answering machine anymore
? Her second thought was that Miller must have really hated her after she left. She always suspected it, but yeah…that was tough to hear. A part of her was glad the man on the answering machine didn’t repeat what it was Miller used to say about her. Of course he must’ve said things about her. If he loved her, and she was sure that he did, he would have been upset after she left.

After she left.

“Oh man,” she whispered as she pressed her palm to her forehead at the spot where a headache was forming. “He was alone. We abandoned him.”

“What’s ‘abandoned’?”

Emily took a second to tamp down her guilt. “It’s when someone is left alone.”

“Like when you abandoned me in the living room to come in here?”

“Something like that. What are doing?”

“
Cow and Chicken
is over. You said to turn it off.”

Jack’s hair was sticking out all over the place. His face was smeared with syrup. He had dirt underneath his nails. “You’re filthy. You need a shower.”

“Yes.” He did a fist pump and ran for the back door. “I’ll get the soap and you get the hose!”

“No way.” She grabbed him and held him back. “Water from a hose is too cold for a shower. We’ll use Miller’s bathroom.”

He said, “Cool!” and ran up the stairs.

***

Emily stood outside Miller’s shower with a towel and listened to Jack recite the latest commercial that was looping through his head: “There are some things money can’t buy. For everything else, there’s MasterCard.”

“Hurry up, Jack. Don’t use up all the hot water.”

“Two more times. There are some things money can’t buy. For everything else, there’s MasterCard. There are some things money can’t buy. For everything else, there’s MasterCard. There are some things—”

“That was two. Time to get out.”

The water shut off, and Jack pulled the shower curtain back. His hair was full of suds.

“Why didn’t you wash the shampoo out of your hair?”

“You said it was time to get out.”

“Okay.” Emily turned the water back on. “You have one minute to rinse the shampoo out of your hair.”

Jack got in and closed the shower curtain. “There are some things money can’t buy. For everything else, there’s MasterCard. There are some things money can’t buy. For everything else, there’s MasterCard. There are some things money can’t buy. For everything else, there’s MasterCard.”

The water cut off again, and the curtain slid open.

“All done?”

“All done.”

She helped him dry off and left him in the bathroom to put his clothes back on. They were filthy too. She’d ask Miller to take her to Levi’s as soon as he got back. She should probably offer to drive herself into town in case he needed to get some work done. She hoped he didn’t need to get any work done.

Emily made the bed and then sat on the side where Jack slept. As she studied the books that were stacked up on top of the table, she couldn’t help but smile. Tom Clancy. Such a manly collection of books. She picked up the top book on the stack and opened it. Tucked inside the front flap was a folded piece of yellowing paper. She took it out, unfolded it, and gasped.

“Oh my God.”

It was a sketch she had drawn of the barn where she and Miller used to go, the one that was now filled with Levi’s scrap metal and taped off with crime scene tape. She looked on the back.
‘
April 7th, Emily and Miller forever’
was still there in her handwriting. She really was a naive kid. Naive and in love. She’d sketched it in April of their junior year, when the blue-eyed grass was at its prettiest purple, on one of those warm afternoons when she lied to her parents about where she was going. It wasn’t the first day she met Miller out there. April 7th was the first time they made love. It was the first time for both of them. She smiled at the memory that was so vivid she could smell the warm spring air. That was a good day.

He kept that picture by his bed. Emily wondered if she was reading too much into the fact that he hid it inside a book titled
Without Remorse
. She liked to think he did that intentionally, that he held no remorse about their time together, because that meant he was past the hurt that made him say whatever he used to say about her to the idiot on the answering machine who called her son “some kind of retard.”

“All done!” Jack called out and opened the bathroom door.

She looked up. “XYZ, buddy. And your shirt is on backward.”

She looked at the next book on the stack,
The Sum of All Fears
, picked it up, and opened it slowly. There was another folded piece of paper. She opened it. Inside was a sketch she made of Daniel months before he died. She’d given that picture to Daniel. How did Miller get it? He must have been the one to clean out Daniel's room. Emily had a quick mental image of Miller alone in Daniel's room, packing what was left of his best friend into boxes. She should have been there to help him. Instead, she abandoned him. She couldn’t do that to him, wouldn’t do that to him again. However, she couldn’t stop herself from wondering if Miller had anything else of Daniel’s she could look at, touch, and hold close for a few minutes.

Emily put the paper with Daniel's face on it back in the book and slapped the front cover shut. She wanted to take a shower, get cleaned up, and then try to make up for leaving Miller so long ago.

If that was even possible.

CHAPTER THIRTEEN

Miller

When Miller got home, he put the bag of groceries in the sink and found Jack right where he left him, on the sofa watching TV. “Where’s your mom?” he asked.

“Well I’ll be damned, she’s taking a shower.”

Should he go up there or wait for Emily to come down? She probably wouldn’t go ballistic in front of Jack. If he didn’t say it within the next few minutes, he’d lose his nerve. Again. He took the stairs two at a time, tapped lightly on his bedroom door, and went in. Emily was in his bathroom, standing in front of his sink drying her hair with a towel, wearing her shorts and another one of his t-shirts. It hurt him to see how natural she looked in his world. She should have been there for the last fourteen years.

She smiled when she saw him. “I put on another clean t-shirt. I hope that’s okay.”

“I stopped at the store for some breakfast groceries.”

“Thank God. I’m starving.” She hung the towel on the hook by the shower and raised up on her tiptoes to kiss his cheek. “I’ll cook.” She started for the door, but Miller took her hand. “What?” she asked, looking at her wrist where his hand cuffed it and then back to his face. “What’s wrong? Is it Abby?”

Miller nodded.

“Is she upset about last night? Did she say something?”

He shook his head.

“Then what?” Emily briefly looked back to where he had a firm grasp on her wrist. “You’re scaring me. What’s wrong? Is it my dad? Is it Levi?”

Miller was glad she could read him so well even after all these years because now he had no other choice. He had to throw her into the truth and see if she would sink or swim. “Let’s sit.” He led her to the bed and sat next to her, her hand in his.

“What is it?”

“I know you didn’t have an abortion.”

“Oh.” Emily’s hair fell over her face as she hung her head.

“You called your grandfather after you got to Texas. You told him about us and that you were pregnant with my child, so he came to Dallas and put you up in a hotel for the night. Then he found you an apartment.”

“He took care of me. I’ve only told two other people that. Did Levi tell you?”

“Chester told me.”

“I asked him not to.”

“Well he did.”

She didn’t say anything. She didn’t need to. Her trembling hand in his spoke for her.

“Your family…they hurt you, didn’t they?”

“Yes.”

“What did they do?”

“I don’t talk about that.”

While Miller wanted to know what happened to her, he knew pushing her would get him nowhere because she would shut down. He needed to confess. He was about to lose his nerve again. “Your grandfather told you to tell your parents you had an abortion. That was a lie, wasn’t it?”

“It was.”

“I wish you would’ve trusted me.”

Still looking down, Emily said, “It’s not that I didn’t trust you. I didn’t trust
me
. You had a real life to look forward to, and I would’ve been a burden. Why did Granddaddy tell you?”

“He said he thought I should know the truth.”

“That sounds like him, always trying to do the right thing, always trying to smooth things over. Did he tell you why I did it? Did he explain it?”

“No. He didn’t.”

She squeezed his hand tighter. “I wanted the baby to be as far away from my family as possible. They didn’t want me to have her, and they were going to do something that would’ve harmed her. Granddaddy said he knew a good person who would take good care of her, and it was best if I let him work out all the details. He handled everything. He was supposed to tell me where she was on her eighteenth birthday. Then he had that heart attack. No one called me to say goodbye to him. I didn’t even find out he was dead until after his funeral. That’s why I haven’t come home to say goodbye to Ma'am. It’s the only way I know to punish her for keeping me from him. I can’t even begin to tell you how sorry I am for leaving and keeping you away from her, but I know Granddaddy found the best home for her. I’m sure she’s very happy.” Emily’s voice cracked when she said, “I hope she is.”

All these years Miller had been so mad at Emily for leaving like she did and for lying to him about being pregnant with his child. He’d justified his deception by telling himself that since she didn’t give him a choice, he didn’t owe her one. Now he could see she never really did have a choice. He suddenly understood what his own mother meant about hope being a two-edged sword. Sometimes the only thing that kept you going was the very thing you feared the most. Like letting go of a child you desperately wanted so she could be somewhere safe. Like wishing to God that the love of your life would come home in the same heartbeat you prayed you’d never have to tell her what you did because you knew she’d hate you for the liar you became. It was clear to him now, she and Daniel did have sex, and maybe it was only once. Once was all it took. She didn’t lie about whose child she was carrying. She hoped it was his. She probably never realized she was wrong.

Miller took a deep breath and steeled himself to tell Emily the daughter she gave up fourteen years ago was five miles down the road at Rock Creek Middle School. Once he got that out, he’d tell her how Chester blamed himself for Emily’s trouble, for trying so hard to keep the peace with Violet that he couldn’t even see that his own granddaughter was in trouble.

Would she believe him? If she did, how would he broach the subject of the truth that Daniel was the father of her baby, not him? He could show her Abby’s medicine bottle full of Galzin. No doubt she would recognize it as the same medicine Daniel took for his Wilson’s. There was no way she’d be able to deny the fact that Abby had Daniel's genetic disease.

He waited too long, thought it out too carefully, because before he got to say that, Emily said, “I think about her all the time. I wanted her so much. The only thing I wanted more than her was to keep her away from my family. It was the hardest thing I ever did. You have to believe me.”

Ouch. Not only did Miller essentially help Chester lie to Emily, he’d brought Abby back to live under the noses of the very people she ran away from.

“I do,” he said. “I believe you.”

“What was it like?” she asked.

“What?”

“The funeral.”

“Oh. Well…” Miller let go of Emily’s hand and then stood up. He walked to the dresser and looked at the picture of Sara, yet another piece of collateral damage in this whole ordeal. He slapped the frame down and sat in the chair by the door. “It was pretty miserable. Everyone was talking about how they knew it was a matter of time. He was bound to do something crazy like that, while I sat there wondering why no one did anything if they all knew it was coming.”

“And you were all alone too, weren’t you? When I heard you and Sara got married, I was devastated even though in a way glad that she was there for you after Daniel and I abandoned you. I thought you lived in Durant.”

“Technically we lived in Blue.”

Emily smiled. It was weary, but it was a smile. “Why the hell did you come back here?”

“Good question.” Miller laughed a little, hoping it didn’t sound as nervous to her as it did to him. “Your granddad had always said I could have a job if I wanted one, so I came back here. They needed help, so I got the job.” He was getting pissed at himself. Why couldn’t he just blurt out the words?

“I saw the drawings you keep in those books by your bed. I wasn’t snooping…I mean…well…I guess I was. I noticed you have a drawing I gave to Daniel.”

The Sum of All Fears
. “Yeah. I like to look at it every once in a while.”

“How’d you get it?”

“I cleaned out his room. You know…after.”

“I was wondering…” Emily brushed a lock of hair behind her ear, forcing Miller to steel himself. She was about to ask something difficult. If she knew he had something difficult to tell her, she’d let him go first. Nah. He should stick with the ladies first policy his dad taught him. “Do you have anything else from him I could look at?”

“It’s stuff from his room, trinkets and old Matchbox cars. Nothing special.”

“Anything of Daniel’s would be special.”

Suddenly Miller was a seventeen-year-old kid with a crush on a girl who loved his best friend. What kind of an asshole was jealous of a dead man? A pathetic one. “I’d have to get it down from the closet, but first—”

“I dreamt about him a lot. Did you?”

“Yeah.”

“At first they were good dreams, more like memories. Even in my dreams, though, I knew he wasn’t supposed to be there. Then they changed. He was bloody, with that hole in his neck, and he was asking me why I didn’t help him. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten the sound of his voice until a month or so after he was gone. I realized after having one of those good dreams that the voice coming out of his mouth was Levi’s, not his. His voice was the only thing I had left of him.”

Bloody, with that hole in his neck.

Damn. In all the years since the night he lost everything, it never occurred to Miller what Emily must’ve gone through when she saw Daniel that last time. His voice wasn’t the only thing she had left of Daniel. She had Abby. No.
He
had Abby.

“Lemme see…there’s a box in the hall closet. I’ll be right back.”

Miller retrieved the box from the closet and set it on the bed, opening it.

“Is that all that’s left of him?” she asked.

“Yeah, and he didn’t have much either. See?” He reached in and pulled out a set of keys and a ring.

Emily took the ring. “I stole this from Ma'am and gave it to him that night. He was going to pawn it the next day to get money for his medicine.”

“How long had he gone without it?”

“Couple of weeks. That was after he put himself on an every-other-day schedule of taking it.”

“Then…I don’t understand…” No. He wasn’t going to question her choice to tell Daniel she was pregnant when his mental state was already so fragile. No good could come from that, and it was way too late for anything he said on the matter to make a difference. She’d thought Daniel could handle hearing about her secret relationship with Miller. Although she was wrong, that still wasn’t her fault.

“What?” she asked, looking up from the ring for the first time since he handed it to her.

“It’s nothing.”

“No. Tell me.”

“I…well…” He took off his cap, scratched his head, and put his cap back on. “I don’t understand why you told him about us and that you were pregnant when you knew he was already having such a hard time.”

“It’s not like he didn’t already know about us.”

“He knew? How?”

“I told him. He was happy for us. Daniel really did love you, you know? He hated lying to you. We both did.”

Those words might’ve been the confirmation Miller had waited years to hear. Except confirmation that Emily and Daniel had sex had come years earlier, when Abby was still a baby. In really bad moments, he used to blame Emily because she cheated, except he never could figure out if she cheated on Daniel with him or on him with Daniel. Thank God he was past all that now. Otherwise he’d be blubbering on the floor at her feet asking what went so wrong.

“Well, you two were together for a lot longer than we were.”

She flinched. “What?”

“Mom! Mom!” Jack called out.

“It’s okay,” Miller answered. “You were a couple for over a year before we got together.”

“Oh my God.” She shook her head a few times. “All these years later, I forget you didn’t know.”

“Hurry, Mom! Hurry!”

“Didn’t know what?”

“Moooooommmmm!”

Emily sighed and then yelled, “In a minute, Jack!”

“Come look! Hurry!”

She took a deep breath and focused back on Miller. “I should go see what he’s doing.”

“Tell me first,” he begged. He needed to hear it from her. “Didn’t know about what?”

“Daniel was gay.”

“W…w…what?”

“He wanted to tell you. I tried to get him to. He wasn’t sure how you’d feel about him, and he was scared of Hoyt finding out.”

“I don’t believe you.”

“Do you remember that summer before our sophomore year when Daniel spent a few nights in the hospital?”

“Yeah. He broke his collar bone.”

“He didn’t roll his four-wheeler. He got beat up. Some guys followed him home from that job he had at the movie theater in Durant. They tricked him. One of the guys flirted with him, and…well, I’m sure you can guess the rest. After he got better, I pretended to be his girlfriend so I could protect him. Both of them.”

Miller cocked his head. “Both of them?”

“Daniel and Levi.”

Miller’s eyes snapped wide open. “Levi?” He ran his hands through his hair again and remembered his conversation with Levi in the jail.
She protected us, and we let her down
. That made sense. Nothing else did, though.