Seasons of the Heart (41 page)

“Then why did she go to an incompetent butcher? Surely we could have found a better man.”

Kim realized she was being backed into a corner. She thought quickly and replied: “Evie would have been afraid to go to a reputable doctor, even out of town. He might have said something to someone. The one in Oakland wouldn’t dare. Don’t forget, Mrs. Coulter, you and your family aren’t exactly unknown around here—your pictures have been in a lot of local newspapers and magazines—and in other parts of the country, too.” She paused, then sighed. “If you insist on knowing the truth, Mrs. Coulter, Evie was afraid of compromising you.”

But Ann knew what the whole truth was. She suddenly pictured Evie, alone with her burden of guilt, convinced that both her parents had abandoned her. No wonder she had jumped at the first solution that was proposed to her. Ann’s eyes filled with tears. She turned her head away and whispered, “I deserted you….”

The next day Evie was transferred to a private room. When Ann arrived, carrying flowers, her daughter was sitting up in bed. Evie made things easy for her. “You know, don’t you, Mom,” she whispered.

“Yes, honey—the doctor told me.”

“I’m sorry.”

Ann put her arms around her daughter and drew her close. “I’m the one who’s sorry. I wasn’t there when you needed me.”

“No, Mom, don’t say that. It was my fault.”

Evie seemed fairly composed, and Ann suspected that the doctors hadn’t mentioned the hysterectomy.

They were allowed only a short time together. Afterward Ann sought out Dr. Neilson.

“You haven’t told her yet, have you?”

“I wanted to wait a day or so until she’s a little stronger.”

“Well, let me know when you plan to speak to her. Her father and I should be here. I’m afraid she’s going to be very upset.”

“Yes, it’s a difficult thing for a young girl to accept.” He shook his head. “Such a pity. Well, if you can come in tomorrow morning, I’ll tell her at ten.”

The following day, Ann and Phillip paced the hall anxiously while Dr. Neilson spoke to Evie for what seemed a long time.

Finally, he emerged, his face set. “I’ve told her,” he said. “I’m afraid she’s not taking it well. You’d better go in.”

She was sitting up, staring out the window.

“Evie, darling?”

There was no response. “Evie!” Phillip cried. “Sweetheart, say something.”

He walked over and stood in her line of vision, but she still remained mute.

Ann bent over and stroked Evie’s forehead. “We know about the hysterectomy and we’re very sorry. But it’s not the end of the world. You’re alive and that’s the important thing.”

Evie still remained silent. Phillip cajoled and begged her to speak to them, but Evie acted as if she didn’t hear. It was as though she were in a trance.

Finally, Ann looked up and whispered, “Phillip, I’m scared. I’m going to get Neilson.”

She went to the front desk and had the operator page the doctor. “What did you tell that girl?” Ann almost shouted when he appeared. “She seems practically catatonic.”

“Mrs. Coulter, please calm down. All I told Evie was the plain truth: that we had to perform a hysterectomy on her.”

“How did she react?”

“Well, she was pretty calm at first, asking what that meant.”

“And?”

“I told her that of course she couldn’t bear any children of her own, but that there wouldn’t be any other side effects. Then I started to tell her that many couples adopt children. But she didn’t seem to be listening to me so I decided she needed time to get used to the idea and left.”

“Well, what should we do? You saw her. We can’t leave her like this!”

“I’m afraid that psychological problems aren’t my province. But I can refer you to a psychiatrist.”

A psychiatrist … Evie? The idea of Evie having mental problems was as unreal as all the other events of the past days. But there appeared to be no alternative.

A short while later, a pleasant-looking middle-aged man appeared and introduced himself as Dr. Frankel.

Phillip and Ann waited while Frankel introduced himself to the still silent Evie. Then he turned and spoke softly. “It would be best if you waited outside.”

After a little while they heard Evie’s voice rise shrilly, then the sounds of sobs. Phillip was just about to charge in when Frankel came out. “I’m going to prescribe a sedative. She’s hysterical.”

“Can we see her?”

“It would be best if you didn’t for the moment. Tomorrow she will hopefully be calmer and we can discuss what treatment she should have.”

Ann and Phillip left and Evie sank into a drugged sleep. But early the next morning the sedative began to wear off. Evie woke with the doctor’s words ringing in her ears: “You won’t be able to bear children, Evie. I’m sorry….”

It was like a death sentence. All her hopes and dreams for her future were bound up in marriage and family—a big, happy home filled with children. An only child, she had always longed for brothers and sisters, and she and Peter wanted at least four kids. Now she had not only lost Peter, she would never have children at all. She was no longer a woman. She was an empty shell.

She lay in bed for a while, going over the events leading up to the abortion. She couldn’t absolve herself. Abruptly, she came to a decision.

Swinging her legs from the bed, still woozy from the sedative, she stumbled to the bathroom. Picking up the water glass, she brought it down viciously on the rim of the basin. Glass fragments sprayed the floor, leaving the jaggedly broken base in her hand.

She gritted her teeth and with two quick, decisive movements she slashed her left wrist, then her right, with long, lengthwise strokes. As the blood spurted, she was overcome with nausea. The glass dropped from her fingers as she slowly crumpled to the floor.

It was the sheerest luck that the floor nurse checked Evie’s room a few minutes later. Evie was not in her bed and the nurse looked in the half-open door of the bathroom. A glance told her what had happened. She rushed to the door and called, “Sandy—STAT!”

The LVN came ran in and gasped at the sight. “Oh, Jesus—I’ll call the resident.”

Within seconds, the doctor arrived. “Tell surgery we’re bringing her up.”

“I already have, doctor,” the nurse said.

She had stopped the flow, but Evie was unconscious from shock and loss of blood. For several desperate minutes the resident was afraid they were too late. There was an agonizing delay before the nurse could start the IV, but finally she said, “The pulse is steadier.”

The doctor heaved a sigh of relief. “Okay. Now let’s get her onto a gurney.”

Once again, Evie was raced down the hall and through the white-enameled doors.

When Evie woke, she was completely disoriented. She tried to look around in the dim light. She was in a small, bare room. The windows were shadowed by narrow bars. It was dark outside, and she didn’t know what time of day it was.

I want to get out of here.

She tried to scream, but her throat was tight and sore, and all that emerged was a hoarse croak. She couldn’t seem to move her arms. Then she realized that her wrists were heavily bandaged, and memories flooded back. Dr. Neilson … the hysterectomy.

Why didn’t they let me die?

When the nurse opened the door, the shaft of light from the corridor blinded her for an instant. She heard Ann’s voice.

“Evie, darling … Daddy and I have been waiting to see you. You’ve been asleep for a long time.”

If I pretend to be asleep, they’ll go away.

This time Phillip spoke. “Evie, sweetheart—Mommy and I want you to know how much we love you.”

She felt her father’s presence close to her and tried to turn away as his lips brushed her cheek.

“I suppose you don’t feel much like talking,” Ann said, “but Daddy and I will be here, so you just tell the nurse when you want to see us.” She touched Evie’s shoulder hesitantly. “We love you so much, honey.”

The next week was like a nightmare for Phillip and Ann. Evie had been moved to the psychiatric unit at Herrick, and the halls resounded with moans and screams. Evie, by contrast, remained mute.

Linda had to return to work, so Ann and Phillip kept up the vigil alone. Adam sent Evie huge bunches of flowers every day and called Ann every night for news. But all Ann could tell him was, “She’s no better. They’re suggesting that she go to a sanatorium.”

“Will you send her?”

“We have no choice. I’d open up the house and take care of her at home, but Frankel feels that would be counterproductive.” She paused. “Adam, darling, I’m really sorry to be away so long. But I just don’t feel I can leave Evie.”

“I wouldn’t dream of asking you to leave at a time like this. Now tell me, where’s she going to be staying? In the city?”

“No, Doctor Frankel has recommended a place up north called Rolling Hills.”

“Okay. I’ll tell you what I’m going to do. I’ll take a suite of rooms for us at the Huntington. You can stay there and I’ll fly out as often as I can.”

“Oh, Adam, could you? You’re sure it won’t be too hard on you? Can you leave your office? God knows my business is barely surviving. If it weren’t for May, I’d have to close up completely. I’ve been neglecting it so.”

“My office will be just fine if I take off long weekends,” said Adam. “Don’t worry about me. Just take care of yourself.”

“I love you, Adam,” Ann said, “and I’m too selfish to tell you not to come.”

So Adam took a suite in the Huntington and arranged to be in San Francisco from Friday morning to Sunday afternoon. He was at the stage in his career where a great deal of routine work could be delegated, so some weeks he even stayed longer.

E
VIE WAS INSTALLED IN
a private room at Rolling Hills, and for a nerve-racking week, Phillip and Ann were not allowed to visit her. When they finally entered the pleasant nursing home surrounded by beautifully kept gardens, they were appalled by her appearance. She was incredibly thin. The nurse told them that she simply refused to eat.

She was no longer catatonic, but she seemed distant, detached from everything. Although she responded politely and intelligently to her parents’ questions, her eyes remained vacant. Phillip and Ann deluged Dr. Frankel with questions, but all he would say was that Evie’s recovery would take time, and they would have to be patient.

One evening when Adam was in San Francisco, Ann came back to their suite, crying. “Oh, Adam—she’s never going to get better!”

He gathered her into his arms. “Of course she will,” he said firmly. “She’s basically very healthy. This was just too much for her to take all at once. She’ll come out of it. You’ll see.”

Across town, Phillip and Linda were also discussing Evie. “Ann agrees with Frankel—that we should go to see Evie only once a week, but I told her that we should go every other day. I don’t care what Frankel says—she’s my daughter and I think I know her best.”

He looked up. “Do you need another drink? Oh … you’ve already got one.”

“While you were talking.”

“I’m sorry, honey. I know I’ve been going on and on. But it was really rough today because Frankel wanted to limit our visits.”

“Ours? Yours and Ann’s?” Linda asked slowly.

“Well, yes, honey. At this stage it seems best that we go see her together.”

“And just where do I fit in?”

Phillip didn’t seem to notice the edge in her voice. “What do you mean, honey? At this point she’s not seeing any visitors.”

“That’s just what I mean, Phillip. Visitors—outsiders. I suppose it’s natural that you and Ann need to support each other, but I’m beginning to wonder what role I play.”

“What role? Linda, you can’t resent my time with Ann while Evie’s so sick!”

“I don’t, Phillip. It’s just that I feel so helpless. I can’t do anything for you and I can’t do anything for Evie. When we fell in love, I thought we were going to be partners—sharing the bad times as well as the good.”

“That’s what I want, Linda.”

“Well, it doesn’t seem like it!” Linda cried, all the frustrations of the last few weeks finally exploding. “You see your wife constantly, your daughter doesn’t want to see me, and I feel as if I have no part in your life!”

“I love you,” Phillip said evenly, “but for the time being I have to put Evie’s needs ahead of yours and mine.”

“That’s obvious.”

“For God’s sake, Linda! We’re talking about Evie’s future. She tried to commit suicide! What kind of parent would I be if I turned my back on her now?”

“Phillip, I’ve tried to understand, I really have. Maybe it’s because I never had children of my own, but it seems to me as if there’s never going to be room in your life for anyone except Evie. And I just can’t take it, Phillip!” She buried her face in her hands.

The sound of her bitter words lingered in the silent room. Phillip was unable to reply. A part of him cried out that if she left he would lose the only person in the world who could make him happy. He wanted to tell her that she would always come first. But was that really true? No one would ever come before Evie in his heart. Perhaps if this crisis hadn’t happened, he would never have faced the issue, but it had and now it was too late. Linda would either have to accept the situation as it was—even his need to see Ann until Evie was better—or they could not continue together. It was up to Linda to decide.

Quietly, he asked, “Shall I move my things out?”

She smiled sadly. “That won’t be necessary. I think I’ll be going back to Washington. I got a job offer there a few weeks ago.”

“Linda—” Phillip moved toward her, but she stepped away.

“No, Phillip. Don’t touch me. I don’t think I could bear it.”

“It’s a funny thing about love,” he said. “It’s the most fragile thing in the world. Like a soap bubble, lovely, buoyant. And then one day it bursts and it’s as though it never existed.”

Three weeks later Phillip stood at the window of the air terminal, watching Linda’s plane taxi into position on the runway. For a short while he’d had a glimpse of Eden. Now it was lost to him forever. He waited until the plane disappeared into the distance, then turned and walked back to his car.