Regret Me Not (12 page)

"Wow, Kenzie." Jessica tears up as she brushes the hair away from my forehead.

For that moment, I allow myself to entertain the thought of allowing the alien looking thing inside me to grow and develop into a sweet, helpless baby.

"Do you know what it is?"

I don't know why I ask. I'm not ready to start sorting through names, but I want to know.

"No, it's too soon. By twenty weeks we should be able to tell, as long as the little munchkin cooperates."

Before shutting the machine off, the doctor takes measurements, telling me exactly how far along I am, and giving me my due date, June 27th. She snaps a few pictures. Most are for the file, but she makes sure to hand me one of the images. I stare at it, and I'm slammed by the reality of the situation. I can't pretend everything is okay anymore. This makes it real.

"Alright then, if you don't have any further questions, I'll see you in a month."

"A month?" I look to Jess realizing for the first time that never during the exam, the pre-exam discussion, or the sonogram did we discuss options or plans for the baby. I glance down at the black and white image in my hand and remind myself that the thing inside me looked more like a creature than it did a baby. If I want to save an ounce of my sanity I have to stop using the "B" word when referring to it, even in my thoughts.

*

"You set me up."

"What?" Jessica takes her eyes off the road to look at me.

"Watch where you're going. If you crash the car I'll lose my driving privileges, too."

"Fine just tell me what your problem is."

"We never discussed options with the doctor."

"That's not what this visit was about, remember? It was to see if everything was okay, if the pregnancy was even viable."

"Great. It's viable. I'm healthy. Now what?"

"Now, you can take some time to decide what you want to do."

"Why are you pushing this? Why does it mean so much to you?"

"Because that's my niece or nephew you're carrying around. And I love you. I don't want to see you do something that will haunt you the rest of your life."

"Having it is worse. It won't haunt me, it'll be like a ball and chain attached to me forever." 

"You don't know that."

"The hell I don't. Mom and Dad will go ape shit. If Brayden ever finds out, he'll hate me."

"He will hate you if he finds out after the fact. If you abort it without even telling him you're pregnant, or if you have it and keep it a secret from him, either way if you don't tell him he'll hate you."

"He already hates me."

"Then the way I see it, you have nothing to lose by telling him. But what if you tell him and it brings you closer? Then you lost nothing but gained it all back."

I wonder how someone who didn't have enough brains to keep her own life in order could make sense out of the mess I'm making with mine.

Chapter 12

Time For the truth

I have a few days to gather up my courage. I don't know exactly when Brayden will be home, but it’s easy enough to find out. I know Alana will make it her business to make sure I overhear her plans to see him. All I need to do is listen to the dribble coming out of her mouth until I hear Brayden's name. Just as I expect, she puts on a show of talking to her friend near my desk in psychology. I want to throw up listening to her describe how she plans to sneak Brayden into her room at night and what she intends to do to him.

It just goes to show how little she knows him. Brayden isn't the type to climb through windows in the dark. He isn't a guy to be embarrassed of. He's someone to parade in front of your parents, someone to be brought in during the light of day and be proud of. I smile to myself knowing her narcissistic bragging works more to my advantage than to hers. If I'm lucky, I'll ruin her plans to seduce him. At least I can comfort myself with the fact they haven't slept with each other. Yet.

Saturday morning, the day after my last final, while having breakfast my phone chimes. A text. My heart races. No one besides Jess and my parents have texted me in days. I hope it's him. I don't care if he wants me to grovel, I'll do it if it means he'll start speaking to me again. My smile drops as I read the name on my phone. Olivia. I feel guilty about being disappointed hearing from my best friend. I miss her, but I miss Brayden more.

Getting together with the guys at the football field at 3, would love for you to come.

Once again I feel excitement run through my veins like Secretariat in the Kentucky Derby. According to Alana, Brayden should've come home last night. I doubt there would be a football get-together without him. At least I could find him and bypass his mother.

Sorry, I'll pass. What time do you think you'll be home? Maybe we can catch up then?

I don't want give away my plan, not even to Olivia. I have every intention of going; I just don't want to risk Brayden finding out. If he does, he might leave before I get there or not show up at all. This way, if I show up half an hour after they agreed to meet, I'll have a better chance of finding him there, and catching him off guard. The worst that could happen is he won't be there but at least Olivia will be surprised and happy to see me.

*

This time Jessica drives. We tell my mother we're going to shop for last minute Christmas presents.

"I'm glad to see you girls spending so much time together," she says with a wide smile on her face.

"Me, too." I answer before leaving her alone in the kitchen. The best part is that I mean it. I don't know how I'd get through this without Jessica. We'll deal with the questions about the lack of packages when we get back.

"You look excited," Jess said as I slide into the passenger seat of the car.

"Thanks, but that wasn't quite the look I was going for. Do I look like I gained weight?"

"You're beautiful. Like always. I'm sure he's told you that at least a hundred times."

"How can you sit there and give him the benefit of the doubt? I mean after everything you've been through, how can you have so much faith in a guy you barely know?"

"You think I don't know him? That I didn't watch you two like a hawk to make sure he wasn't cut from the same piece  of shit mold as Mike? I knew right away he wasn't, and it made me so jealous, because you snagged the guy I always wanted. Not Brayden, but that type of guy. He was sweet and gorgeous, and he treated you like a queen. What girl wouldn't want that?"

"And that's different than Mike?"

"Hell, yeah." Her voice drops. "It took a while to realize. It wasn't until I saw you and Brayden together that I figured it out. Mike never put me first the way Brayden did with you."

"Then why did you follow him to Ohio? Why not break up with him and move on?"

"Because I wanted out of here and away from Mom and Dad."

"Why? They're not nightmare parents, all crazy and overbearing."

"Not with you. They've always been different with you. You've always been the good one, the one who knows what she wants, the one they trust. With me, they've always second guessed me. Always made me feel like I wasn't good enough. Every decision I made was wrong. I wanted to be a teacher, but they went on about how teachers are glorified day-care workers with pensions. I thought if I started over somewhere else I could get away from them, but I ran from one hell to another. What made it worse is that Mike never wanted me there. He
never
wanted me to go. He even told me before we left, I just didn't bother listening."

For the first time ever I feel bad for my sister. Here I am thinking she had it all, and all along she's been envious of me. Neither of us have it as easy as the other thinks, but none of that matters now. We're family and these are the times you lean on your family. Maybe this is helping us find middle ground where we could find our place together.

"I'm scared, Jess. I don't know what to expect."

"I'm guessing you didn't tie him down and rape him."

I shake my head.

"Then it took two of you to get to this point. If I'm right about him, and I really think I am, he'll want to know and he'll be by your side. Beyond that I haven't got a clue. Just give him a chance. If he could help make this easier on you, let him."

Jessica's pep talk worked. I can't wait to see him, to apologize and explain all the stupid things I said and did since last summer. I even have faith I'm not too late. I can't be. He couldn't have fallen in love with Alana in such a short time. We can find our way back to each other. If he really loves me the way Jess thinks, he'll give me another chance, and this time I won't fuck it up.

Jessica parks the car in a far corner of the parking lot so no one will see her. If all goes well I'll send her the text I pre-typed into my phone. If not, she'll drive while I cry my eyes out.

My entire body trembles as I walk toward the chain link fence around the football field. A rush of adrenaline has me feeling strong and confident. Jessica is right, I want Brayden by my side. I need him. All I have to do is face him. I could do this. I have to.

A group of people stand by the bleachers. I look for the friendly face I need if things didn't go well, but Olivia isn't there yet. Neither is Josh. Just as I hoped, Brayden is. He stands with his chest against Alana's back, his arms around her shoulders, her hands are clasped over his arms. Like a sickening sweet after school special, his head rests on her shoulder next to hers. My heart falls fast and hard when our eyes meet. I hope he'll move away from her, that he'll see me and forget Alana exists, but he doesn't. Instead, he catches Scott's eye and nudges his head in my direction.

Either the time and space apart helped mend the broken fences between the former teammates, or Scott just wants to be the one to tell me where to go. He comes jogging towards me with a smile glued on his face. Trying to find the strength that all but disintegrated when Brayden chose to ignore me, I stick my hand into my purse and reach for the sonogram picture to remind myself, I can't leave without telling him.

"Go. He doesn't want you here, and you already know how I feel about you."

I can't let Scott see how his words sting. I won't clue him in on how weak I am.

"I know you're still angry with me, but I really need to speak to him, It'll just be a minute."

Scott's face lights with joy. I hate how much pleasure he gets seeing me squirm. "I'm sorry Kenzie, he seems to have his hands full with his new girlfriend."

Girlfriend.

My stomach twists and churns. Hearing it is brutal. Feeling a cold chill grasp me at my core, unsure if it’s from the whipping wind or the ice in Scott's words, I fold my arms across my chest.

Scott looks in their direction. "They look cute together don't they? Now that's the kind of girl the captain of the football team should be with."

My hands close into fists. All I want to do is pound on Scott's face, but I can't. Brayden sent him over on purpose, to hurt me. To send me the message that I don't matter to him at all anymore. I need to keep it together.

"Scott, I'm sorry I embarrassed you in front of your friends. I never meant to hurt you."

"Hurt me? You couldn't hurt me."

"I'm asking you as someone I once considered a friend, can you please tell Brayden I need to talk to him, it'll only be a minute."

"You were never my friend."

"Scott!"

"Okay, fine." Scott puts his hands around his mouth and whispers so even I barely hear him. "Brayden. Oh, Brayden."

Scott looks back toward his group of friends and then at me, "Sorry, he doesn't seem to care."

"You're such an asshole. I can't believe I ever gave you the time of day." I turn and storm off, back towards the car.

"Bitch!" Scott called after me. It's not until I'm closing the car door that I finally hear him yell, "Brayden, get your ass over here!"

*

Jessica drives around town while I pull myself together or at least try to. I never felt so alone before. I knew there was a good chance Brayden would still be angry with me after I told him, but I let my sister fill my head and heart with false hope that he would forgive me and love would win out in the end. Bottom line, it didn't.

"I'm really sorry." Jessica's voice is low as she reaches over to rub my back. "I can't believe I misread him. I really thought he'd want to know."

I just sniffle. I don't say anything. She tried her best. Clearly her view of the way the world works and the way it should work are skewed. She allowed it to break her heart, so why was I stupid enough to listen to her and allow my heart to be further shattered?

"When we get home, go up to your room. I'll cover for you with Mom and Dad. Then I'll come up and we'll figure out the next step."

"What next step, Jessica? I fucked up. I'm knocked up, and I need to get rid of it. There's nothing else to discuss, no other option."

She runs her hand through her hair. "I'm sorry Kenzie. I'm so sorry I made this worse for you."

We don't say another word to each other. Jessica parks the car in the garage and shuts the engine. Neither of us move. Jessica looks over at me one last time.

"Ready?"

Using my fingertips, I wipe my eyes again. "As I'll ever be."

We walk in the house, and my sister goes straight into  the living room where my parents are watching a movie and having drinks in front of the fireplace.

"Did you get anything?" I hear my mother ask as I climb up the steps to my bedroom.

"Not so much, but it was nice just to spend some time together."

"Where's Mackenzie?" my father asks.

"She's tired, she went upstairs to go take a nap."

"I swear Jessica, if I find out she's on anything, so help me you'll be out on your ass!"

"Patrick!" my mother scolds.

I feel guilty letting Jessica get blamed for things that obviously aren't true, but I don't have the strength to go down and explain. Not now. I'm not sure I'll ever have that much strength again.

"Get your head out of the sand. We turned a blind eye once, I won't do it again. Haven't you noticed the difference in Mackenzie? She's withdrawn and always hiding in her room."

"You can't just assume . . ."

"I'm not, but I hear them in Mackenzie's room late at night. I'm sure whatever is going on has something to do with Jessica."

"Thanks for the vote of confidence."

"Do you blame me? Put yourself in my shoes, Jess?"

"Dad, she's tired, and yes, she's depressed because she and Brayden broke up. How is any of that my fault?

"All I'm saying is it better not be."

I close the door to my room and slide my back down against it. I hope Jess can handle the shit my father's dishing out. I know I should go downstairs and make an appearance, then they can see I'm okay, at least on the outside.

The doorbell startles me. I don't expect anyone, and could care less who it is, until I hear the banging. Even with my bedroom door closed I hear the pounding and yelling coming from outside the front door.

"Mackenzie!"

My body stiffens, I feel blood swooshing heavy in my veins.

"Mackenzie, let me in."

My mouth is dry. I can't move. He's here. Finally. As if he somehow knows I need him, that I'm at my lowest point ever and I need my best friend. I jump up and open the door to my room.

"What the hell do you think you're doing banging on the door like that?" My father yells, sounding pissed.

"Mackenzie!" Brayden ignores my father. "Get down here."

"You don't come into my house and order my daughter around. You need to leave right now."

I move to the top of the steps and listen.

"I'm sorry sir, but I'm not leaving until I talk to her."

"I'm not giving you a choice."

"I know, Kenzie." He yells up the stairs. "I know and I won’t you let you do this."

That's why he's here? He finally figured it out and now he wants to humiliate me? I thought it was because he loves me. I have to stop him, to shut him up before he makes things worse with my parents.