Reason to Breathe (38 page)

“Sara, did I totally screw this up?” The
aching returned, but it was inside my chest, instead of my
back.

“What do you want? You know that you and Evan
stopped talking before Drew and Haley ever came into the picture –
it had nothing to do with them.”

“But I didn’t help it any.” I sunk further
into the couch.

“What about Drew?”

“I don’t know, Sara.” I was so confused about
what I wanted and what was best, I couldn’t think straight. “He’s
so nice and, come on, just
look
at him.” Sara smirked in
agreement.

“But?” she encouraged.

I didn’t say anything for a minute. I was
tormented by the thought of never talking to Evan again, but that
wouldn’t change until I told him the truth – and that would never
happen. So, where did that leave Drew? For some inexplicable
reason, and without me realizing it was happening, Drew liked me. I
couldn’t deny that, despite my inability to understand it.

“Being around Drew makes more sense,” I
finally said.

“That’s the strangest reason to date someone
that I’ve ever heard,” Sara responded.

“We’re
dating
?” I asked in
disbelief.

“Em, he’s kissed you in public, he bought you
flowers, and he calls me to check in on you – yeah, I’m pretty sure
he thinks that.”

“He calls you too?!”

“Oh, yeah, sorry – I forgot to mention that.
You’re right - he’s sweet, thoughtful, and beautiful.” She
paused.

“But…” I waited.

“I’m not even going to finish that
sentence.”

“Sara!”

“Why do
I
have be the one to say it
out loud?!” Frustrated, she finally exclaimed, “He’s not Evan.”

I instantly recognized the truth in her
words. But I also knew that the truth didn’t matter.

“Can we talk about something else?” I
pleaded.

“You can’t avoid this forever,” she warned.
“We’re going back to school on Monday, and they’re both going to be
there.”

“Sara, Evan doesn’t want anything to do with
me.”

“I don’t know, Em,” she said, reluctant to
say anything more, but I saw it in her roaming eyes.

“Just tell me, Sara.”

Sara took a breath, pausing before she
revealed, “Evan was really upset at the hospital. I talked to him
alone for a while. He was hurt when you didn’t want to see him. He
thinks he cares more about you than you do about him. I could tell
he wasn’t comfortable talking to me about it, but I think he just
needed to tell someone, if he couldn’t tell you. He wished things
were the way they were before that weekend we went to the
movies.”

So did I.

“Emma, he’s not stupid. He pretty much knows
what’s going on at your house. You should have seen the way he
looked at Carol and George when he realized who they were. He still
cares about you. I think if you just talked to him…”

“I don’t think I can, Sara,” I whispered. She
didn’t respond, but when she dropped her eyes to the floor, I knew
that she didn’t like my decision. I still wouldn’t be able to tell
him the truth, and I didn’t foresee that ever changing. I couldn’t
hurt him again. We sat silently for a moment.

“Speaking of the unspeakable,” Sara said
lowly, unable to meet my eyes. “Do you have to move back in with
them?”

“Yeah,” I breathed.

“We have to stop her,’ she insisted. “There
has to be a way without hurting the kids.”

“I don’t know…” I started, but was
interrupted by Janet slowly opening the front door to give us
plenty of warning that she was returning home.

“So, what else do you have to tell me?” I
asked over emphatically to cover up the serious conversation.

Sara shrugged. Then her eyes got big. She
hesitated, tormented whether she should tell me.

“Just tell me.”

“I went out on a couple of dates with Jared
this week,” she blurted. She watched for my reaction, anticipating
the worst. I wasn’t sure what to say.

“Okay,” I said slowly. “That’s great,
right?”

“It was
really
great,” she glowed.

“How did it happen?” I asked, trying not to
think of our night at the movies and how they hit it off, because
then I’d have to think about that night with Evan – and how I’d
never get it back.

“I called to return his flashlight. We
started talking. Then he called me later that night, and we talked
some more. He asked me out and I said yes.”

“Leaving out the details?” I noticed. A vague
account of dates wasn’t Sara’s style.

“I didn’t know if it was going to be weird
for you since he’s Evan’s brother. But I had to tell you, or else I
was going to burst. I can leave out the other stuff if you’d rather
not hear it.”

“No, I want to hear everything,” I replied
honestly.

Sara went on to talk about their dinner date
in Boston and another in New York. Her eyes sparkled as she gushed
about her time with Jared. As much as I was happy for her, this
strange hollow sensation filled my stomach. Was I jealous? I pushed
away the selfish emotion and smiled.

“And the second night, he kissed me. It was
the most amazing kiss ever. I thought I was going to fall over.”
Sara beamed as the memory danced across her eyes.

“What are you going to do now? I mean, he’s
going back to New York, right?”

“Yeah, he left this morning,” she sighed. “It
was the best time I’ve ever had, but he goes to college in New
York.” She shrugged, smiling contently.

“That’s it?”

“Yeah, that’s it. Honestly, I didn’t expect
anything else. I knew when I went out with him that that was
probably going to be it.”

“Then why’d you do it?” I questioned in
confusion.

“Why not?!” she answered enthusiastically.
“I’d rather have these incredible memories of the two nights I
spent with him, knowing that I probably won’t go out with him
again, than not to have had them at all.”

“Huh,” I pondered, intrigued by Sara’s
perception. Her words sat with me long after she left that
afternoon.

I continued thinking about what she said when
I lay in bed that night. Was it better to get as much out of the
moment as possible, knowing it could slip out from under you in a
second? Was the actual experience better than the inevitable
conclusion? I guess I had to decide if the conclusion was a broken
heart, or a broken bone, in order to weigh the risk.

I didn’t sleep well that night. My dreams
swirled together in an incoherent jumble of images. I’m certain my
restlessness was provoked by the conversation with Sara. Then
again, I knew George was picking me up in the morning.

George and I sat in silence for the first
part of the car ride – I stared out the window and he kept his eyes
glued to the road.

“It would be best if you weren’t around Carol
very much,” he finally said. His voice drew my attention. I wasn’t
surprised he refused to look over at me. “She’s been under a lot of
stress, and the new medication she’s on is affecting her moods. You
can stay in your room and eat after we do, like you did before, but
I’ll take care of the dishes. You just worry about getting your
Saturday chores done while she’s out shopping.

“I spoke with the McKinley’s. They’re willing
to help us out by letting you spend Saturday’s there, after you do
your chores, and any Friday nights when you have a basketball game.
They’re sympathetic to Carol’s stress and are very thoughtful to
have offered. So please don’t make this any more difficult.
Sunday’s you can spend at the library, like you have been. Emma, I
don’t think I have to remind you that what happens in our house,
stays in our house.”

I didn’t react to his subtle threat. He had
just taken away the remnants of the only family I had – regardless
of how dysfunctional. I knew I wouldn’t be able to spend time with
the kids, and he’d speak to me even less now than he did before –
it sunk in that I was truly alone.

My world was delicately balanced, but the
scales never hung even. When something improved, something else had
to crumble. Accepting this would be the hardest thing I’d ever have
to learn, and even when I came to know it as true, it still crushed
me.

26.
Broken

“You bitch,”
Haley Spencer sneered from beside my locker. “What did you say to
him?”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” I
knew she was obviously talking about Evan, but I had no idea what
was going on.

“You must have said something to him to make
him to leave,” she insisted.

I heard her words, but I couldn’t comprehend
what she was saying. I stared back, stunned.

“He left!” Haley exclaimed. “He moved back to
San Francisco, and I know it was because of you.” Before I could
respond, she stormed away.

I stood in her wake, unable to move. My books
slipped from my hands and fell to the floor. Was she telling the
truth?

“Here you go,” a voice said, handing me my
books.

“Thank you,” I murmured, absently taking them
without looking at the face.

There’s no way she could be telling the
truth. He had to be here. He just wasn’t in school today. That was
evident by his absent seat in English class. He couldn’t have
moved.

“Em, I just heard,” Sara said from behind me.
“I am so sorry. I didn’t know.”

“It’s true?” I asked, turning to meet her
sympathetic eyes.

“Yeah, I heard it from one of the guys on the
basketball team.”

Sara stood in front of her locker,
contemplating my expression. She waited for me to react. But I
couldn’t. I didn’t want to believe it. How could he be gone?

Then something broke. Sara saw it the second
it happened and rushed alongside me, guiding me to the girls’
bathroom. The halls were relatively empty since everyone had
already gone to class, so there weren’t many witnesses to the
dramatic scene.

The pain crushed my heart. I sank to the
floor, sliding my back down the cool tile wall. I didn’t cry, and
my eyes didn’t fill with tears, although my insides felt like
they’d been shred. I stared straight ahead, unable to focus on the
wall across from me. We sat in silence for a time. I heard Sara
breathing next to me, quietly witnessing my slow acceptance of the
truth.

“He’s really gone?” The words were caught in
my throat, and I breathed them out in the faintest whisper.

Sara remained by my side without a word,
holding my hand. The truth sank in deeper and my heart released an
aching sob. I collapsed onto Sara’s lap and gave in to its grief.
My chest heaved as I gasped for air. Sara stroked my hair to sooth
me while I cried into my folded arms.

“He can’t be gone,” I wept, wishing that
saying it out loud, would make it true. I released another cry of
pain.

Exhausted and raw, I laid my head still
against her legs while the tears dried upon my face. My eyes stung
from the tears, and my throat ached from the cries. My mind swirled
with thoughts of why he left and questions of how he could have
done it so suddenly. The more I thought about it, the more the pain
turned to anger.

“I can’t believe he left without saying
anything.” I pushed myself up to sit, the tension drawing back my
shoulders. “He couldn’t even say good bye? Who does that?”

My rapid succession of emotions left Sara
speechless, unable to find the words to answer. I stood up and
began pacing, clenching my fists as I fumed at the thought of his
selfish escape.

“Did the thought of being around me infuriate
him so much that he couldn’t even return to school? He had to run
away to the other side of the country just to avoid me?! He’s the
one who stopped talking to me! Was I not supposed to get over him?
Did he really want me to continue waiting for him to forgive me for
something I didn’t do? I’m sorry if he didn’t like seeing me with
someone else – but to pick up and move because of it!”

I grunted in frustration. My mind raced while
I continued my pacing, unable to release my closed fists. I huffed
and lost the words to continue my rambling rage. I breathed in,
considering his actions with my heart strangled in my chest. The
ire slowly subsided into a begrudged acceptance.

“Fine, if that’s how he felt, then he
should’ve gone. He obviously couldn’t stand to look at me, so why
should I care if he left?! Now I don’t have to worry about him
yelling at me, or making me feel guilty for my decisions. I don’t
care if I ever see him again.”

This was almost convincing, but my heart
stuttered in panic at the thought of not seeing his face in the
halls.

“Do you really believe that?” Sara asked
tentatively. I blinked at her, recognizing that she was in the
room. “He didn’t hate you, Emma.”

“You don’t know that, Sara,” I shot back. “I
hurt him. I couldn’t trust him enough to let him in. Then I accused
him of things he didn’t do. To top it all off, I shoved it in his
face by kissing another guy right in front of him. Of course he
hates me, and maybe he should. He couldn’t even be around me
anymore. He absolutely hates me.”

Sara remained silent as I convinced myself of
this. The words stung, and the anger settled. It was no longer
directed at Evan but at myself. I looked at my reflection in the
mirror above the sink. The pain and anger flickered in my eyes as I
realized that it all circled back to me. Now I was left holding the
pieces of my heart, crushed by my own hands.

I shook my head in disgust at the image in
the glass. I stared at the dark eyes, my jaw tightening, allowing
the anger and revulsion to grow. I accepted the blame for forcing
him away. He had every right to hate me, just as I hated myself at
that moment. My stomach turned to ice, and I looked away from the
accusing eyes.

Taking a deep breath, I pushed the pain deep
down, but I let the guilt and self-loathing fester as a punishing
reminder. I took another quick breath before facing Sara. She
remained a silent witness, concern etched in her eyes. I was
exhausted by the gut wrenching turmoil and couldn’t feel anything
anymore.