Ready To Love Again (33 page)

When he walked into the kitchen, his cell phone rang. Chase pulled it out of his pocket and groaned when he saw his mother’s face on the screen. He transferred the call to voice mail, shoved the phone back in his pocket, and pulled out a bottle of scotch and a glass from the cabinet before heading to his room. Nothing would ease the tightening in his chest, but he figured drowning it in a little liquid pain relief wouldn’t hurt. Chase would allow himself one evening to drink himself into a slumber, but he’d learned a long time ago that alcohol only made his problems worse.

~*~

He threw himself into his work and spent every spare minute with Liz and Tony. The week dragged on until he and Liz had their first appointment with the counselor. She didn’t protest when he told her about it, but she seemed a little anxious when they walked into the office.

“Dr. O’Donnell?” A tall brunette walked into the lobby of Lighthouse Family Counseling with a file in her hand.

Chase introduced himself before the counselor turned to Liz. Her smile widened, and she looked genuinely interested in his daughter.

“You must be Elizabeth. I’m Allison. I can’t wait to get to know you a little better.”

Liz gave her a shy smile and took Chase’s hand while they were led down the hallway to an office. Allison motioned for them to take a seat on a leather couch while she sat in an adjacent chair. Chase took a moment to look around the room and saw a small toy box sitting in a corner that overflowed with stuffed animals and toys. On the bookshelves were several children’s books along with a physician’s desk references and parenting books. On the bottom two shelves were board games and what looked like flash cards. The room was decorated in soft lavender with a teddy bear border around the edge. There was no doubt the room was geared toward children.

“So why don’t you tell me a little about yourselves?” Allison asked. When both Liz and Chase didn’t start, she smiled and looked at Liz. “Do you like to go by Elizabeth, or is there a nickname you prefer”

“Elizabeth is okay, but I go by Liz, too.”

Liz relaxed a little and became more animated while Allison asked her questions about her likes and dislikes.

“Dr. O’Donnell, tell me about you.” Allison turned her attention to Chase, and her penetrating stare made him nervous.

“Please, call me Chase.”
 

Allison asked a few questions about what kind of medicine he specialized in, their family life, and then focused a lot of attention on Gina and her role in their lives.

“And what has brought you here to see me?”
 

That was a loaded question, and he wasn’t sure how to answer it with Liz sitting next to him. Chase hesitated too long, and Allison quirked an eyebrow at him in question.

“My wife died three years ago in an automobile accident, so we’re here to see about some help dealing with it,” he said, glancing at Liz. Her back was ramrod straight while she sat next to Chase and looked at her lap, playing with her fingers to avoid eye contact. He looked back at Allison, and she nodded in acknowledgment. He had the feeling she had known exactly why there were there before she’d asked the question.

“All right. Let me explain how we usually do these sessions. If it’s acceptable to you both, then we can proceed.” Liz and Chase nodded. “Liz and I are going to hang out and chat for about an hour every week. Dr. Romano set up an appointment for you with David for today, Chase, and we’ll try to schedule you both at the same time to save you a trip. Once a month, you and I will meet without Liz so we can get to know one another better.”

Chase nodded. The monthly meeting was a time when they would talk about how he could help his daughter.

“Liz, I want you to know that whatever we talk about in here is between the two of us, okay?” Liz glanced up at her and nodded. “Are you okay with your father leaving us to go to his appointment?”

Liz’s blue eyes looked into his, and Chase was reassured that this course of action was for the best. He gave her an encouraging smile, and Liz turned back to Allison and nodded once more.

“Fantastic.” Allison smiled and directed her attention to Chase. “If you don’t have any further questions for me, David is waiting for you in his office down the hall. It’s the second door on the left.”
 

Chase stood and kissed Liz’s cheek, whispering that he’d be back in a little while and that he loved her before he was ushered out the door.

David’s door was ajar, so Chase pushed it open and poked his head inside. An average-sized man around Chase’s age with blond hair and an abundance of freckles looked up from a file he’d been studying.

“Dr. O’Donnell?” he asked. Chase nodded and stepped inside the room. “It’s nice to meet you. Carlos has had nothing but good things to say about you.” David stood and shook Chase’s hand, then directed them to a set of chairs.

After a few more pleasantries, David began asking Chase questions about his family, hobbies, and work. Once there was an amicable rapport between them, the counselor switched gears and focused on the root of the problem. “What brings you to therapy?”

“My daughter is having a difficult time adjusting to my wife’s death.”

“How long has it been?”

“A little over three years,” Chase said. He didn’t want to get into the details about Terri’s death, but discussing general information was unavoidable.

“Would you like to tell me about her?”

“What do you want to know?” Chase sighed and looked up. He had enough psych classes in college to know David’s probing was a way to get him to open up. Chase didn’t need to talk to anyone about how he felt.

“Well, let’s start with what kind of mother she was.”

“Um . . . she was a great mom and gave up her career to stay home with the kids.”

“How long were you married?”

Chase felt his impatience grow. “We’d been married for ten years when she died.”

“What was your relationship like?”

Chase rolled his eyes. “We had a good marriage.”

“I know this can be hard to talk about,” David said with compassion in his voice. Chase shrugged. “How did she die?”

“She was in a car accident,” he said.

“Can you elaborate?”

Why does he want the gory details?

“Listen,” Chase said in an even tone, trying to keep his anger from surfacing. “Let me explain a few things to you. I’m here for my daughter, end of subject. I don’t have any desire or need to talk about my wife or what happened to her. It was a long time ago. It’s not like talking about the accident will bring her back or magically heal my daughter. I’m here for one purpose, and that’s to take back the control in my home and help Liz get past her grief so she’s not the angry rebellious preteen she’s turned into.

“I need you to help me figure out ways to help her. Isn’t there some newfangled disciplinarian technique that’s all the rage in your profession now? Therapy methods change so frequently it’s hard to keep up with the newest child-rearing trend. I already know that I let her rule the house for the last three years. I just need you to tell me what I need to do to fix her.” 

David sat back in his chair and tented his fingers, tapping them on his chin. “Let me clarify what you’ve just said. You need help with ways to bring order back into your home, while also helping Liz deal with her mother’s death. Is that what you’re saying?”

“Yes, exactly.” Chase relaxed, glad they were on the same page.

“But you don’t think you need to talk about your wife?”

“No, I understand that we’ll need to talk about Terri for Liz’s sake. I just don’t need you to do your head-shrinking garbage with me. I’ve learned to deal with my own grief and don’t need to talk about it.”

“Can you give me an example of how you’ve dealt with your wife’s death?”

“I don’t know. I just did.” Chase threw his hands up and slapped them back down on the arm of the chair. “I have two kids who need me, so I figured it out.”

David opened his mouth and then snapped it shut. Chase stared back at him, willing him to spit out whatever he was thinking.

“You’ve been very blunt with me, so do you mind if I’m equally as blunt with you, Dr. O’Donnell?” Chase was a bit taken aback by the way in which David formally addressed him but nodded in spite of his surprise. “Your hesitancy to talk about your wife leaves me with some indicators about the way you’ve chosen to cope with your grief. Helping your daughter deal with her grief will be difficult when you may not know how to productively deal with your own. Children need guidance and often learn by example. When they are getting mixed signals from adults in their lives, they’ll construct their own ways of coping. If you are truly dedicated to helping Liz, then you need to be willing to take a look at how your reactions toward the loss of your wife may appear to your children. If you internalize your grief and evade outward signs of despondency, your children will attempt to model the same behavior. They aren’t emotionally equipped to handle that. By beginning to process your own grief, you will open up the same course for Liz and Tony. Until you’re ready to work on getting better, our sessions won’t be useful.” David fixed his gaze firmly on Chase.

The first thought that floated through Chase’s mind was to tell the man sitting across from him to take a flying leap off a tall building. Carlos had told him, however, that he would have one of his colleagues see Liz only if Chase saw someone, too. For that, he would swallow his pride and remain seated.

“I want to help my daughter, so I’ll do whatever you need me to do.”

“You need to do this for you, not for Liz. By helping yourself, you will inevitably help her.”

“Fine,” Chase said between clenched teeth.

David stood, holding his hand out to Chase. He ignored David’s outstretched hand and opened the door. “Think about what I’ve said, and we can talk about it next week,” David said.

Chase gave him a curt nod before he walked back to Allison’s office and knocked on the door. Liz greeted him with a big smile, launching herself into his arms. His foul mood melted at seeing her in such high spirits.

“Hi, Dad!”

She pulled him into Allison’s office, where she went to the floor and helped pick up a game they had played.

“How did things go?” he asked, shooting a look at Allison. She smiled and looked to Liz but didn’t say anything.

“We had so much fun. We played a game and talked, and Allison said I can come back next week and we would make a poster of Mom, if that’s okay?” Liz stopped and looked up at her father like she was afraid he would say no.

Why in the world would she worry that I would be anything but supportive?

When he smiled and nodded at her, she continued. “I need some pictures of Mom, and maybe I can cut some pictures out of magazines of things she liked.”

Liz rambled on about all the things she wanted to put on her poster while they made their way out to the car. He listened and filled her in on more missing information, like Terri’s favorite music and animals, while they drove home.

When the evening wound down, Chase went through the routine of tucking the children into bed before he let Gina know he was going for a walk. He put on a light windbreaker and slipped down to the beach. A soft breeze blew off the ocean, and he took a deep breath, enjoying the smell of the fresh, evening air.

A full moon hung low in the sky, casting a moonlit trail across the ocean. Chase walked until he could only see a speck of light from his house. Kicking off his shoes, he sat down and buried his toes under the cool sand.

The sound of waves crashing against nearby rocks gave him peace in its familiarity while he let his mind wander back to the day’s events. David’s comments rang in his ears, especially when he’d said that if Chase didn’t look inside himself, he could never help Liz.

What did he want me to look at? I screwed up. I already know that. I let Liz dictate what happened in our home. Yes, I am quite aware I have allowed that, too. Maybe I focused too much on her actions and not enough about the feelings behind the actions? Again, yes, I see where I messed up there, too.
 

The problem was that he didn’t know how to help heal his child’s grieving and take back control. He realized her tantrums increased in frequency because he hadn’t wanted to upset her so he’d sidestepped her bad behavior. In doing so, he had created an even bigger problem because he was also avoiding the root of the problem. If he’d acted like a parent and helped her grieve when this happened, they wouldn’t be in this situation.

Chase sat on the beach for a long time, running through the things he should have done differently. A nagging feeling told him he was only looking at the surface of the matter.

Well then, what is the deeper problem?

His thoughts went to Liz, but then David’s words echoed in his head again.
“By fixing yourself, you will inevitably help her.”

What is wrong with me? What am I doing that I need to change?

Chase thought about Terri and realized the only time he allowed her memory to affect him was when he was alone, sitting on the beach. He began to let go of the wall he’d built up. As each little brick came down, he felt the weight of what her death meant to him. His emotions overwhelmed him while he stared out over the ocean and let himself remember things he hadn’t thought about in years.