Pursuit For Lucidity (Crashing Waves) (60 page)

Questions?  I had a book full of questions.  I had been taking aspirin and drinking alcohol more in the past few months than in my entire life.  Dr. Tan told me to immediately begin prenatal vitamins and
stay away from alcohol and only take acetaminophen if I had a headache.  I was so worried that my drinking had done something to the baby that we would find out later on in further ultrasound studies.  She reassured me that I didn’t know, so nothing I did was deliberate, but to stop immediately and change my lifestyle.

Dr. Tan gave me a copy of the ultrasound, which had my name on it and how many weeks along I was.  I asked her kindly if she could slip it into my purse, which Stefano had put on the chair next to me.  I didn’t want Alex to see the ultrasound just yet.  She put the ultrasound in my purse and pulled the zipper closed as I asked.  I t
hanked her for her assistance.

My heart sank when I remembered I would be dealing with Alex and his jealousy issues that night.  I rea
lly didn’t have the strength or the heart for his distrust.  Dr. Tan left the room and Alex returned.  “Why did you kick me out like that, Claire?” he asked, fire in his eyes.

“
You didn’t deserve to be in here, Alex.  You didn’t deserve to see that baby.  You even have doubts that it’s your baby, so I’ve decided to leave you with those thoughts until after the baby is born,” I said, looking sharply into his eyes.  Just then Dr. Webb came back into the room to let me know I would be discharged.  I was to stay home from work the next few days to get good rest.  Alex went to the pharmacy to pick up my prenatal vitamins and returned to drive me home.  My car was at the dance studio parking lot and was the least of my worries.  Stefano texted to let me know he would drop it off with Mandy the following night to see how I was doing.  I thanked him and apologized for Alex’s behavior.

I don’t blame him.  I’d be jealous too if you were my girlfriend and a handsome guy like me took you to the hospital.  I’m just kidding.  Just wanted to make you laugh. Hope you feel better.

Thank you, Stefano.  That was really funny by the way.  See you guys tomorrow night.

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Neither one of us uttered a word on the drive home from the hospital.  I was overflowing with anger and he seemed to be feeling the same way.  He parked his car outside my condo and I got out quickly, ran to the door, opened it and went inside, shutting it and locking it befor
e Alex could get in.  He tried to unlock it with his key, but discovered he couldn’t get in because I had locked the dead bolt on top.  He pounded on the door.  “Claire, what the hell?  Let me in!” he yelled.

“
Go home, Alex,” I replied.

“
Claire, please open the door.  I have an early surgery in the morning,” he pleaded.

“
You should’ve thought about that before you questioned the father of my child,” I replied.

“
I overreacted, baby.  I was just as shocked as you were.  Come on, Claire, please open the door,” he continued to plead.  I took the ultrasound out of my purse, cracked the door open just enough to slide it through and threw it at Alex.

“
Why don’t you take a look at the ultrasound, Alex.  I wouldn’t be two months pregnant if this were Stefano’s baby, as I’ve only known him for less than six weeks.  Today, you have really shown me your true colors, so why don’t you head on home and leave me the hell alone,” I said angrily.

“
Claire, open the door, please!” he yelled.  My phone rang just then.  It was Joshua, “Hi Joshua, is everything all right,” I asked.

“
I was going to ask you the same question.  Who is outside your door trying to pound his way inside?  Should I call security or pay him a visit?” he asked.

“
No, no, I’m sorry, Joshua.  That’s my boyfriend.  We just had an argument, so I locked him out.  I’m so sorry for all the noise.  I will put an end to it,” I replied.

I had no choice but to open the door if I didn’t want all the neighbors to know my business.  I opened the door and turned my back to Alex and headed inside, ignoring him.  He wanted to talk about it
, but I didn’t want to hear him.  I was going to do all the talking and yelling and screaming this time.  I began to pace back and forth in the living room.

“
Every time I think you’re the perfect man, you fuck it up again.  We can’t go for more than a week or two without arguing about something meaningless.  You can’t be a part of this baby’s life if we continue this way.  I’m always running from you or pushing you away because I just can’t take it anymore, Alex,” I began to pace faster with whatever energy I had left.

“
I just wasn’t sure if it is my baby or his,” he clarified.

“
It’s your fucking baby, Alex! Get it through your thick skull!  How the hell would I be having Stefano’s baby when I never had sex with him?!” I startled myself with my yelling and screaming.  My anger turned into rage and I grabbed the crystal vase, which Alex had gotten for me and threw it at him, missing him by just a few inches.  The vase hit the wall next to him so hard that it shattered into millions of pieces.  His eyes were wide with fear and shock, as he had never seen that side of me before.  I suddenly felt so weak and afraid of what I had just done that I sat down on the floor, unable to move.  Alex walked over to me and sat down on the floor next to me, holding me as I sobbed and sobbed longer than I could recall.

He
carried me upstairs, undressed me as he undressed himself and took me into the shower with him.  The water wasn’t hot this time, only warm.  He lathered my body and shampooed my hair.  He sat me down on the tile bench of the shower as he finished taking a shower.  Afterward, he helped me into a warm pair of pajamas and dried my hair.  Neither one of us had said a word after the vase incident.  He tucked me into bed and said, “I’m going to go downstairs and clean up the broken glass.  I will be up shortly, okay, baby?” he kissed my forehead and wiped away the tears from my cheeks.  I just nodded without saying a word.

I could hear Alex cleaning up the broken pieces of the beautiful vase.  I was so angry with myself for breaking the
first sentimental item that he had given me.  The more I thought about what I had done, the more I continued to sob.  I heard him coming up the stairs and into the bedroom.  I watched him take off his shirt and crawl into bed next to me.  He held me close to his warm body and ran his fingers through my hair.

“
Alex, I’m sorry I broke that vase.  I don’t know what got into me.  I think I was so angry that I couldn’t control myself,” I confessed.

“
Shhh, it’s only glass.  I will get you another one if it will make you feel better.  Today, you faced your anger without running away.  That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you, Claire.  Don’t run from me when you’re angry and don’t shut me out.  We are going to have our share of disagreements and arguments until we work out our issues, or my issues I should say.  It was so stupid of me to question the father of the baby. I overreacted as usual and jealousy got to me again.  I don’t know what it is about you that causes me to act this way, Claire.  I’ve never felt like this with any other woman.  Sometimes, I wonder if I’ve ever really been in love or if I only thought I was in love with Angela because I never felt this jealous with her.  It’s like I’m a lovesick teenager or something.  This feeling is so new to me.  Having a baby with you is going to be the best thing that will ever happen to me in my life.  We have to make this relationship work, baby. 
I
have to make this work, as I am the one with all the issues.  You’re perfect, Claire.  Everything about you is perfect.  All I need from you is to stay with me, so we can work it out together.  Will you help me, baby?  Will you fix me?” he asked.  I nodded and wrapped my arms around him as he rubbed my belly, “My baby. 
Our
baby,” he corrected.

He kissed my tears away and kissed my belly as well.  Alex and I had made a deal that no matter how angry we were with one another that we
would not sleep apart.  We kept that deal that night and I was happy we did.  We had our problems, but if there was anyone in the world that I would carry a child for, it was Alex.  I knew he would make a great father and would love that baby more than anything.  I closed my eyes and tried to sleep. I didn’t want to keep Alex awake, since he had to wake up early for work.  I somehow surrendered to sleep shortly after closing my eyes.

<><><>

I woke up to the sound of his alarm clock before five o’clock in the morning.  My eyelids were very heavy and Alex tried to make as little noise as possible not to disturb me.  He kissed me softly before leaving for work.

“
Have me paged at the hospital if you need to get a hold of me urgently.  I’m going to see if I can get coverage at the clinic, so I could come home early.  Just rest all day and don’t get up to do anything.  I love you and miss you already,” he said and left for the hospital.

I stayed in bed as much as I could that day
, but it was very difficult.  Alex had left a note in the kitchen letting me know he had made a sandwich for me that I would find in the refrigerator.  I opened the refrigerator to find the sandwich on a plate with a side of fruit and a note reminding me to drink a glass of milk.  I took the items out of the refrigerator and sat down to eat.  I had left a message for Walter early in the morning and another one for Laura that I wasn’t feeling well and wouldn’t return for a few days.  I didn’t want to tell them about the pregnancy just yet. Walter returned my call to see how I was feeling. I told him I may have had the flu and was very dehydrated, which had caused me to pass out.  He was very understanding and told to take as much time as I needed to stay home and rest.  Laura called soon after Walter.

“
Girl, I knew you were going to come down with something. It was all the fun you had over the weekend, wasn’t it?” Laura said, laughing.  Stefano sent a text message, reminding me that he would come over with Mandy that night and bring my car.  I hadn’t told my mother that I was sick, but I knew she would call me soon and I would let her know.

The dining room table looked empty again without the crystal vase.  The guard at the gate called to tell me there was a delivery for me. 
When I asked him what it was he said he would like it to remain a surprise and asked if it was all right for the delivery person to bring it to me.

“
That’s fine.  Please let him through,” I said.  When I opened the front door, I noticed it was a delivery from a florist.  He parked the delivery van and took out a large vase filled with long stem sterling roses.  It was the same Tiffany vase Alex had gotten for me that I shattered into a million pieces.  I thanked the kind man and put the flower filled vase on the dining table.  Alex had included a note.

My dear Claire and future mother of my child,

Every item is replaceable, including this vase, but your love could never be replaced.  Please find it in your heart to forgive me for the way I acted during one of the most important moments in our lives.  I love you more than life itself.

Love, always,

Alex

The note brought tears to my eyes.  I sent a text message to Alex thanking him for the new vase and flowers. I knew he was probably in the operating room and wouldn’t get back to me for a while.  I didn’t hear from Alex for another two hours, so I began to worry.  I was about to call him when he surprised me by coming home early.  I was so happy to see him home early.

“
Hi, baby,” he kissed me, “are you feeling better today?” he asked.

“
I’m much better now that you’re here,” I confessed.

“
What should I make for you to eat?  Any cravings?” he asked.

“
I’m not hungry, since I just ate the food you had made for me,” I said.

“
You’re eating for two now, Claire.  You have to eat more and more frequently.  I’m just going to make a short stop at the grocery store.  Call me if you are craving anything special and I will bring it for you,” he said.

I reminded Alex that Stefano and Mandy would bring my car t
hat evening.  He just nodded, “That’s cool,” he said and left for the grocery store.  Alex returned with endless bags of groceries as if he was going to cook enough to feed an army.  He went into the kitchen and probably cooked enough to last the entire week.  I began to feel hungry and entered the kitchen and dabbled into a few delicious dishes.  After I was done eating, Alex stopped what he was doing and leaned against my kitchen counter and looked at me.

“
What is it?” I asked.

“
Nothing.  Come here,” he said, pulling me close to his body and just holding me, my head resting against his firm chest.  We stood there for minutes, his arms wrapped around me tightly as he inhaled my hair and kissed my forehead.  I noticed Alex had dark circles under his eyes when I looked up at him.

“
What’s wrong, Alex? You look tired.  Did something happen at work?” I asked.