Pursuit For Lucidity (Crashing Waves) (38 page)

That night wasn’t a dreamless night as I had hoped it would be.  I awakened screaming, sitting up in my bed, drenched in sweat.  It was the nightmare again and Alex was the one who caught me from behind.  I got up and changed into dry pajamas and sipped on some water. 
So many thoughts flooded my mind, making it difficult to fall asleep again.  I kept reassuring myself that everything was going to be all right.  I was headed in the right direction and was able to sleep in my own bed alone again.  My next goal was to be able to go for a run.  One day I would be brave enough to go for a run without fear of being attacked.  I told myself if I could run again outside, that would indicate that I’m ready for a motorcycle ride with Stefano.  With these thoughts, I somehow drifted away to the land of sleep.

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The following day was like any other day; busy morning at work, lunch with Laura, and running into Taryn and Alex walking together in the hallway.

“
Good afternoon, Clara,” she said.  I didn’t respond, just glared at her and didn’t even acknowledge Alex.  I was not in a good mood that day and could not even pretend to be.  The minutes passed by like hours and I could not wait until the day came to an end.

Finally five o’clock came around and I changed into my dance clothes and hurried to my car, only to find Alex standing next to it, waiting for me.  Great, I thought, this just isn’t my day
.

“
What do you want from me, Alex?” I asked as I approached my car.

“
Why did you ignore me like that today?  I thought we were going to be civil with one another and at least say ‘hello’”, he reminded me.

My cell phone rang before
I could respond.  It was Julietta calling to let me know that the ballet class was cancelled because the instructor was out sick.  I wasn’t too happy about that, since I really needed an outlet.

“
Who was that?” Alex asked, nosily.

“
That would be none of your business,” I replied.

“
Are you going to the dance studio?” he asked.

“
I was, however, class is cancelled for tonight.  But it sure is a beautiful night to go for a run,” I said, thinking out loud, looking out into the dark and cold night.

“
Run? Outside? Alone?” he asked, surprised that I would even think of doing such a thing.

“
Yep.  There’s going to be a lot of changes in my life, Alex.  Hey, who knows, I may even take up sky diving soon,” I replied, knowing that would ruffle his feathers.  As I walked toward the driver’s side door to leave, Alex grabbed a hold of my arm.

“
Claire, what’s gotten into you?” he asked, with a worried look on his face.  I pulled my arm out of his grip so abruptly he looked startled.

“
Don’t.  Touch.  Me.” I warned and got into my car and sped off.  A slight adventurous feeling had come over me.  I was serious when I told Alex I would go for a run.  As I drove home, I had it set in my mind that I would be running that night.

As soon as I got home
, I put on my running shoes and layered on a few more items, since it was so cold outside.  I stretched for a good ten minutes, hooked on my iPod and was ready to go.  I ran for miles and miles.  I didn’t care how dark it was or how cold it was.  I didn’t care who was out there looking for a woman running in the dark by herself.  At that moment, all I cared about was how much I had missed running and the sky was the limit.  I must have run at least six miles.  As I approached my community, I slowed down to a walk, so that I could cool down before heading back inside my condo.  I felt great afterwards as if I had won a gold medal or something.  Another step was made toward my recovery and I no longer feared to be out running in the dark all by myself.

I drew
a nice warm bath and soaked in it for at least thirty minutes. It was one of those nights that required a glass of wine.  I dressed warm and headed downstairs for some wine, cheese and crackers.  I checked my cell phone and noticed I had quite a few text messages, all from Alex.

Did you run?  I’m worried about you running alone. 

Are you back yet?  Please respond to let me know you’re okay.

Claire, how long does it take to go for a run?

If I don’t hear from you in the next thirty minutes I’m coming over.

I checked the time of the last text message and it was sent only ten minutes before I checked the messages.  Ugh!  I had to respond, so he didn’t show up with the police.

I’m fine.  Was taking a bath after run. 

Glad you’re all right.  You had me worried.

Don’t worry about me, Alex.  I’m not your girlfriend and I’m certainly NOT your wife.  I really need you to leave me alone.  I understand you’re worried because of my past experience with danger, but please leave me alone.  If you want me to beg, I will.  That is how badly I need you out of my life.  I want to move forward with my life and you do not belong in my future.

I understand.  I’m sorry.

I planted myself on the couch, my glass of wine in one hand and the remote in the other.  I recalled that I had dinner plans with Calvin the following night.  At least I had something fun to look forward to.  I missed my brothers and was glad I would be dining with at least one of them.  After drowning myself in enough wine needed to numb my body, I headed up the stairs. I was so proud of myself for the progress I had made that day.

Chapter 14

I awakened with a headache the following morning and had great difficulty pulling myself out of bed.  I recalled my dinner plans for that evening with Calvin and packed a pair of jeans and a top to change into after work.  My legs felt sore from the run the night before, so I decided to stretch to prevent more pain later on in the day.  I took a quick shower to shake off the headache and made a smoothie for the road.

“
Good morning.  You don’t look like you want to be here,” Laura noticed my disheveled appearance.

“
Bad night.  Laura, do you think I should look for another job and change my phone number?” I asked.

“
Look, Claire.  You can run away as much as you want, but what will you accomplish by all that?  You can even move to another state, but that’s not going to help you face everything head on,” she advised.

“
I guess you have a point,” I replied.

“
Why?  Is Alex continuously bothering you?” she asked.

I told Laura about Alex waiting for me by my car the day before and the nonstop text messages.  Laura didn’t know about my attack
, so she wouldn’t understand why Alex had been extremely worried about me.  I told her that I had injured myself while running alone a long time ago and that was the reason for his extreme concern.

“
Look at it this way, he’s really unhappy at home.  He has nothing else to do other than work and go to an unhappy place afterward.  He’s probably doing the right thing and taking care of his wife, but does not love her.  When you come to your senses one day, you should hear him out.  I’m really curious to hear his side of the story,” she said.  Laura was much wiser than me when it came to people.  She really knew how to read them well.

The day progressed rather quickly and with a blink of an eye it was already time to face the weekend.  I changed into my jeans and purple tunic I had packed that morning.  I was going to meet Calvin at
Hawthorne’s Steakhouse
,
which wasn’t too far from the hospital.  The streets were congested, since it was a Friday night, so I called Calvin to let him know I was going to be a few minutes late.

“
That’s cool.  Just get here when you get here.  Drive safely,” he advised.  The few minutes I had estimated turned out to be almost thirty minutes.  I handed my car to the valet parking attendant and went inside the steakhouse.  Calvin was waiting for me at the entrance.

“
Hey sis!” he said, giving me a big hug.  I had missed Calvin so much.  He was always so easy to talk to.

“
Hi Cal,” I said, hugging him tightly.

“
Table for two under Calvin Morgan, please,” he told the hostess.

She walked us over to the back of the steakhouse.  I had never been there before
, but it sure smelled great.  We took a seat at the table the hostess escorted us to and ordered drinks.

“
What do you want to drink, Claire?” he asked.

“
I just want iced tea, please.  I’ve been drinking too much alcohol,” I laughed.

“
You and alcohol in the same sentence just don’t make sense to me.  I heard about you and Alex.  I’m sorry.  I really liked the guy,” he said.

“
Cal, let’s not talk about Alex, okay?  Tell me how you have been.  How’s school?” I asked.

“
Uh, school is good.  Everything is going as planned,” he replied.  Calvin looked a little nervous.  I had a feeling there was something he wasn’t telling me.  The waiter came to take our order and we each ordered a steak dish with vegetables on the side.  Calvin looked like he was constantly drying his sweaty palms.  I knew he had something to discuss that was making him very nervous.

“
Cal, are you dropping out of school or something?  You can tell me anything.  I’m your sister.  I won’t tell mom or dad anything, I promise.  Are you in some kind of trouble?” I asked, beginning to get very anxious.

“
No, no, nothing like that, Claire.  School’s going great and I’m in no trouble,” he replied.

“
Then what is it?” I insisted.

Calvin took a deep breath and closed his eyes.  He began to exhale very slowly as he mumbled the words, “I’m gay,” then let out a huge sigh.

My mouth dropped open.  I didn’t know what to say.  My little brother, Calvin, just told me he was gay.  My eyes widened and my mouth wouldn’t close.

“
Oh. My. God.  Calvin, I can’t believe you waited all these years to come out,” I said, still shocked.

“
Well, it wasn’t easy,” he said, looking very relieved.

“
Hmm, no wonder there haven’t very many girlfriends in the past. I can’t believe you didn’t tell your own sister all these years.  How could you keep something like that from me? Do mom and dad know?” I asked.

“
No! No, they don’t know.  You’re the first in the family that knows.  I don’t know how mom, dad, and Kyle would take the news.  When we were kids, the other boys discovered they liked girls and I discovered I liked boys,” he replied.

“
Just tell them, it’ll be fine.  I will be with you when you tell them if you want,” I offered. “Until then, your secret is safe with me.  I love you and I’m so happy you told me,” I said.

Calvin sighed again, “I’m so relieved I can finally eat comfortably,” he said.

“I’m glad, me too.  Now I won’t have to sit here while you dry off your sweaty palms and have an anxiety attack at the dinner table,” I joked.  “You know, Cal, there are some really cute gay guys at the dance studio I recently joined.  Maybe I can introduce you to one of them,” I shared my idea.

“
My sister just found out I’m gay and is already trying to hook me up,” he mumbled.

“
What’s wrong with that?  I think you’re a catch.  They’d be lucky to have a guy like you,” I winked.

“
Thanks, sis.  I love you for embracing my homosexuality,” he said.

“
And I love you for coming out to me first.  It makes me feel special,” I smiled. “Isn’t it liberating?” I asked.

“
Yeah, it is.  It feels really good, actually,” he replied.

The food a
rrived and the steak was mouthwatering.  Calvin and I ate as though we hadn’t eaten in years.  I was starving and he was glad he had shared his secret with his sister and could now eat his dinner with calmer nerves.  Calvin had plans later on in the evening with a few friends, so we didn’t hang out long after dinner.  As we were walking out of the restaurant, I noticed girls checking him out.  They kept it subtle, since they probably thought I was his girlfriend.  They didn’t know that he wasn’t interested in them.  Calvin was very attractive with his tall, lean body and beautiful, flawless skin and great hair, which girls were envious of.

We hugged goodbye as we picked up our cars from the valet parking attendant.  The night was young and I really didn’t want to go home.  I knew that once I went home, I would feel lonely and depressed. 
I decided to give Stefano a call and see what he was up to that Friday night.

“
Hello?” he said as he answered the phone.

“
Stefano, hi, it’s Claire,” I said.