Purity (Pure and Tainted) (21 page)

Chapter Fifteen

In the days that followed her first menstrual cycle, K became even
more silent and withdrawn than she’d been after the shower incident. She barely
spoke to Boone and her appetite fell off to almost nothing. Boone was fairly
sure her body was continuing to develop but he couldn’t be certain because now
she kept herself hidden from him at all times. With the advent of her period,
her touch cravings seemed to have dropped off so she no longer needed their
time outs, or to be held by him at night. They still shared the same room and
sleeping platform but now they seldom talked and never touched.

It was torture.

Boone hadn’t realized how much he enjoyed holding her, talking to
her and hearing that low, contralto voice answer. He missed their work-outs,
their discussion of literature and life, K’s quaint way of expressing herself
which was a strange mixture of candor and threat with a quiet sense of humor
almost no one else could have detected. He missed teaching her to cook and
introducing her to new foods. Basically he missed everything about her.

More than once he thought about offering her the suit back. It was
mostly regenerated so she could probably put it back on and wear it effectively
now. Without the plasma gauntlets attached, it could hurt no one but her. It
might even be able to arrest the rapid physical development she was going
through—though he doubted it could reverse it.

But though he came close several times, he couldn’t bear to let
her have it back. Boone told himself it was because he was a doctor—the suit
had been hurting her, pumping her full of drugs and inhibitors, controlling her
moods and her actions. He wouldn’t give a heroine or blaze addict back their
drug supply just because they were unhappy without it, would he? Especially
knowing how harmful it would be to them.

Deep down, though, he knew that was just a rationalization. The
real reason he didn’t offer K her suit was that he couldn’t bear to see her
turn back into the cold, emotionless robot she’d been when he first captured
her. She was angry with him now but even her anger was better than nothing at
all. He told himself uneasily that she would get over it, that once her first
menstrual cycle was over her hormones would settle and maybe she would see that
being a sexually mature woman wasn’t so bad. Wouldn’t she? God, he hoped so.
Hoped she wouldn’t hate him forever…because he was almost certain he was
falling in love with her.

And how screwed up was that?

* * * * *

K’s body changed more every day. It was a frightening process that
made her feel helpless and out of control. When she dared to drop her clothing
and look at herself naked in the viewer, she felt she didn’t even know the
person looking back at her. Her body was no longer the sleek, sexless weapon it
had been for most of her life. Now it had curves where there should be straight
lines, mounds and lumps where there should have been flat planes. She was
sensitive too, dangerously sensitive at the tips of her newly grown breasts and
between her legs. They were weak spots no enemy would hesitate to exploit.

K hated that.

But worst of all, worse than her self recrimination and her
traitorous body, was her longing to be close to Boone. She was angry with
him—he was the source of all her problems, she told herself. It was
his
fault she was growing breasts and
leaking blood like some faulty machine about to malfunction.
His
fault she was swamped with emotions
day and night until she could barely think from feeling so much.

And yet even as she hated him, she missed him.

Every night he was right beside her, only inches away. She could
feel the heat of his big body against her spine but now she couldn’t touch him.
Couldn’t curl up in his arms and feel the hard press of his muscular chest
against her back and the comforting warmth of his breath against the back of
her neck. K told herself she was glad the touch cravings had left her so she no
longer had to endure his skin against hers. But the truth was she felt like
something inside her was starving every time she wanted to touch him and
couldn’t.

The irony of the situation was not lost on her. When she’d first
woken up without her suit she had been horrified about being contaminated—now
she craved it. It was wrong but she couldn’t help it, couldn’t stop it. But at
the same time, she had too much pride to do anything about it. So she went
through the days and nights as they made their way to Eros not touching or
talking to Boone, even though she missed him so desperately tears came to her
eyes at times.

The emotions of loss and longing continued to torment her, even
after the bleeding stopped. And then, after the cramps ceased, she had a new
pain to contend with.

She ignored it at first. It started with an emptiness inside her—a
feeling of being hollow, of needing to be filled somehow between her thighs. K told
herself it was ridiculous—why would her body suddenly demand to have something
inserted into it—especially
there?
It
didn’t make sense. But then the hollow feeling got worse and was joined by new
pains—sharp twinges in the tips of her breasts and the sensitive spot between
her thighs—mostly in the tiny button of flesh that now grew between the lips of
her sex.

Still, K ignored her symptoms. She didn’t like this new body with
its curves and mounds, its inconvenient monthly leaking and of course, the
endless barrage of emotions it was subject to. It was easier to pretend that
nothing was wrong, to pretend she felt nothing as she always had. But the
feeling of emptiness grew and the twinges turned into aches which gave way to a
throbbing heat until she felt like someone was holding an open flame to her
most delicate areas. It grew harder and harder to ignore the signals her body
was sending.
Harder and harder to pretend she was fine.

But K tried. She fought it for three days and nights as they made
their final approach to Eros, stubbornly silent despite the escalating
discomfort.
It’s probably just part of
this new cycle Boone says I have to go through every month,
she told
herself uneasily as she tossed restlessly beside him in the dark on the third
night. But wouldn’t he have told her if that was so?
Maybe he doesn’t know—he’s a male, after all. What does he know about
female pain?
Except he was a doctor and he’d known all about the menstrual
cramps which had so incapacitated her the first night. Wouldn’t he have warned
her to expect the burning pain in her nipples and sex?
The
aching to be filled between her thighs?
Shouldn’t he have explained why
it happened?

K didn’t know the answers, she only knew she couldn’t stand much
more of it. Biting her lips to keep from crying out, she turned on her side.
She was wearing her loosest outfit—Boone’s largest shirt—because the feeling of
fabric against her newly sensitive nipples had become completely unbearable.
Even so, as she turned, her right breast brushed against the side of the shirt.
The cool synthi-cotton fabric might as well have been agony thorns—painful heat
rushed through K’s entire body, drawing an involuntary moan from her lips.
Purity, it hurt so
much
! And the
drawing ache of her empty sex made it even worse.

“That’s it.” Boone’s voice sounded impatient and worried in the
darkness. K felt him sit up beside her and then he muttered, “Lights.”

She squinted as the overhead glows flashed on, illuminating the
room. “Boone, what are you doing?”

“Finding out what’s wrong with you.” He glared down at her, his
eyes narrowed. “So what is it? What’s wrong?”

She wouldn’t meet his eyes.
“Nothing.”

“Bullshit!” he exploded. “Look, darlin’, I realize you’re pissed
at me and I’ve been trying to give you some space but this is ridiculous. I
hear you thrashing around, trying not to moan or cry. I see the way you move—so
stiff and careful. Like everything that touches you
hurts
you. So tell me, K, what the hell is going on?”

“I don’t know
,”
she
flared back, sitting up. “I only know I
hurt.”

“K, sweetheart…” Boone looked like he wanted to reach for her but
didn’t quite dare. “
Where
do you
hurt? Are you still having cramps?”

“No.” K shifted and winced as the soft shirt brushed her other
sensitive nipple.
“Nothing like that.
Well…not
exactly.”

“What do you mean, ‘not exactly
?’
Is it
touch
cravings?” Boone asked softly. “I haven’t noticed you
shaking or seizing but K, if you need to be touched, you know all you have to
do is ask.”

“I don’t know
what
I
need.” She glared at him briefly and then looked down at her hands. “And even
if this—whatever it is—
does
have to
do with touch cravings, I doubt…doubt you’d want to touch me now.”

He frowned. “What makes you say that?”

K looked away. “I’ve changed so much…
too
much. Before you took my suit I was a warrior. Now I’m noting
but another soft, helpless female.”

Boone sighed. “I’m sorry I took the suit, K, but I had no choice.”

“There is always a choice.” K lifted her chin. “You chose to
rearrange my life—my entire existence is upside down because of you, Boone.”

“Speaking of choices, I wouldn’t have been able to if you hadn’t
chosen to attack our ship,” he reminded her. “And besides, K, I haven’t heard
you asking to get the suit back for awhile.”

K frowned but found she couldn’t meet his eyes. “That’s true.”

“Are you asking for it now?” he asked softly.

K clenched her jaw. “Yes…no…I don’t know!” she exploded. “I’m
having all these pains and biological processes I never had to deal with
before, Boone. Before, with my suit, all I had to do was fight and sleep. And
even sleep wasn’t a necessity—I could skip it for days at a time if I wanted
to—my suit kept me alert.”

“By pumping you full of dangerous stimulants, no doubt.” He
frowned.

K sighed. “The point is, now I have to expend time and energy and
so many other things. I have to eat and sleep regularly and I leak blood once a
month and have all these emotions—”

“Then why haven’t you asked for it back?” His tone was soft but
challenging. “Could it be that you don’t
want
to go back to the way you were before?”

K looked down at her hands. “I
should
want to go back. I should hate this existence you forced on me. I should
hate
you,
Boone,”

“Do you?” His deep voice was wistful. “I wouldn’t blame you if you
did but I can’t help wishing you don’t.”

K sighed again. “No, I don’t hate you.” She looked up at him.
“Don’t take that as a reprieve on your death sentence, though. I have still
sworn to kill you.”

“I know.” His tone was completely serious. “But until then, until
you get back your suit and come looking to take me down, can’t we declare some
kind of a truce? I’ve got to be honest, darlin’, this last little while you’ve
been mad at me has seemed like an awful long time.”

K bit her lip. “It…seemed like a long time to me, too,” she
admitted softly. “But somehow I just couldn’t say anything about it.”

He shook his head. “That’s because you’re one of the most stubborn
people I’ve ever met.
And the strongest.
Being
feminine and soft doesn’t mean you’re weak, K.”

“It does to me.” Her eyes were stinging but she refused to cry. “I
look so
different
now. And this pain
isn’t helping me feel any better about my ‘new body’ either.”

Boone sighed. “Why don’t you let me examine you? I can tell you if
I see anything abnormal and maybe we can find out why you’re hurting so much.”

K was reluctant to undress, reluctant to let him see her new
shape—the unsightly curves which had overtaken her lovely straight lines and
flat planes. But the pain was getting so bad she didn’t think she had a choice.
“All right,” she said tightly. “But only because I can’t stand this anymore.”

“I’ll do my best to help you,” Boone promised quietly. “Go ahead,
darlin’—it’s okay.”

Slowly, with trembling fingers, K forced herself to unbutton the
shirt. Then, not daring to look Boone in the eyes, she bit her lip and spread
the synthi-cotton fabric open.

There was a long moment of silence and then Boone let out a low,
hoarse curse.

I knew it! I’m hideous!
K
started to pull the shirt closed but he stopped her with one large
hand on her wrist.

“Wait a minute, darlin’. Don’t do that.”

“I don’t want you to look anymore.” K felt her chin tremble and
cursed herself for being a weak, emotional fool. “I don’t want you to see me
this way.”

“What way? I’ve seen you naked before,” he reminded her softly.

“Not like this. Now I’m so…so
ugly.”
K shook her head. It shouldn’t matter to her how she looked, but somehow it
did.
Especially when it was Boone doing the looking.

“K, darlin’ let me be very clear about this.” Ducking his head, he
looked into her eyes. “You’re
not
ugly. You do look…different from when I first saw you but that’s just because
you have a woman’s body now. And, K, it’s beautiful.
You’re
beautiful.”