Punching Tom Hanks: Dropkicking Gorillas and Pummeling Zombified Ex-Presidents---A Guide to Beating Up Anything (25 page)

The end opposite the ax head expands out into a hollow metal sphere. The sphere acts as a counterbalance to the ax end, allowing you to twirl the weapon like you would a b
staff. It also allows you to grip the weapon further away from the ax head, keeping you further away from a sword’s striking range. Best of all, there’s a tiny compartment in the sphere, accessible through a little door. You can use this compartment to store little finger sandwiches to keep your energy level high and stave off hunger. Don’t be fooled by their small size, such sandwiches can be much more filling than you’d at first suspect. Especially when eaten at a reasonable pace, which, we all know, is best for digestion.

What about the change you collected earlier, would this be a suitable place to store it? Of course! The tiny compartment is a fine way to temporarily transport your newfound wealth. It’s exactly what I had in mind when I invented it in my lab. Though take care to place the change into a proper place of storage at your first opportunity. The constant rattling of the change in the metal compartment will eventually grate.

A COCKY LINE

Delivered at the right time, a cocky line can be as effective as a weapon … Not a good weapon. But a mediocre, better than nothing, not-quite-as-effective-as-a-knife weapon. (Seriously, if you wanted a weapon you should have bought a glimmeron. I got a garage full of those things.)

Spicing up some old favorites is a good place to start.

CLASSIC:

“It’s gonna be two hits; me hitting you and you hitting the floor.”

YOUR VERSION 1:

“It’s gonna be four hits; me hitting you, me hitting you again as you fly through the air, you hitting the floor … all while I’m humming ‘Private Eyes’ by Hall & Oates.”

YOUR VERSION 2:

“It’s gonna be eleven hits; me hitting you, you hitting the floor, me kicking your nuts five times, me hitting you with a board with a nail in it twice … shit, how many is that? Ah, never mind—FUCK YOU!” (
Neck punch.
)

CLASSIC:

“You’ve got two chances; slim and none … and slim just left town.”

YOUR VERSION:

“You’ve got two chances; slim and none … and also, I brought a baseball bat.” (
Take out the bat
.)

CLASSIC:

“We can do this the easy way or the hard way.”

YOUR VERSION:

“We can do this the easy way or the hard way … or some third way. I’d love to just bounce some ideas off you and come up with something fun! We need to remember, this process is a give-and-take. I’ll have an open mind about your pitches as long as all of them end with you bleeding and unconscious, and me looking really cool.”

CLASSIC:

“I came here to chew bubble gum and kick ass … and I’m all out of bubble gum.”

YOUR VERSION:

“I came here to chew bubble gum and kick ass … and I’m all out of bubble gum … I’m not challenging you or anything. I just thought you’d be interested in knowing what I’m up to today.” (
Wait a moment, then…
) “We never talk anymore.”

THE NET

(And why you should avoid it)

If you ever find yourself in the Roman Colisseum, about to fight multiple enemies for the amusement of a bloodthirsty crowd, whatever you do, don’t pick the “weighted throwing net” as your weapon. I’m pretty sure it’s not even a real weapon, just something they made up and tossed in the pile to mess you up. You’d have better luck using a rolling desk chair with a saw blade taped to it. It’s just as practical. Sword gone? Try to get the battle-ax or trident. If they’re already spoken for, grab the morning star or mace (The spiky metal ball on a chain, connected to a handle—NOT the pepper spray. This isn’t “anachronism day.” You’re not in the Roman Colisseum choosing between a laser gun, a nuclear bomb, and a virus that would cripple Rome’s e-mail.).

If you do get stuck with the net, I must caution you, don’t expect your opponent to drop lifelessly to the ground when you cover them with it. Be prepared for them to smirk, then calmly take the net off of them, before stabbing you. BECAUSE THAT’S EXACTLY WHAT’S GOING TO HAPPEN.

My advice is to quickly drape the net around your body like a gown, then sway seductively, as a beautiful woman might. If your foe has ever battled a cartoon rabbit or cat, he will be instantly mesmerized by the illusion, easily mistaking you for a “lady.” Bat your eyes at him, then shuffle toward his dropped weapon. (If you’re already a lady, this will still work, it’ll just be a lot less hilarious.) Are you ridiculously mannish? Then just throw the net over the wall and use it to scramble to freedom.

A RIFLE PAINTED TO LOOK LIKE A THREE-FOOT-LONG HOAGIE

Admittedly, this one is going to be a bit of a tough sell. The illusion will not work on everyone, and those that do fall for it shouldn’t get too close to the gun, otherwise the façade will quickly fall apart.

Do not set the gun, painted to look like a hoagie, down at any time, but especially after your foe has approached. The unmistakable
tink
sound an object made of metal makes hitting the ground will give it away as not being just an ordinary sandwich.

Also, the gun, painted to look like a hoagie, will weigh significantly more than your average, run-of-the-mill sandwich (even one soaked in oil and vinegar). It’s important to not tip this by carrying the gun like you would a gun. Or by grunting and struggling while you’re lugging it around. Don’t grunt, please. No one holds a sandwich like that.

Resist the urge to let anyone sample the gun/hoagie, as, again, it will taste like metal, not like a hoagie and that is liable to rouse some suspicion. Even the worst hoagie is unlikely to taste like the combination of metal, wood, and gun-oil flavor the gun/hoagie would provide.

The temptation is going to be there to try putting actual mayonnaise or mustard on your gun, painted to look like a hoagie—the thought being it will add one more layer of realism and a touch of sandwich smell to the illusion. This minimal level of authenticity is far outweighed by the amount of slipperiness it will add to the gun/hoagie. It will be nearly impossible to hold without dropping and even harder to fire.

Are you yourself not a painter?

Find a local artist on the way up, to paint your rifle to look like a hoagie. Perhaps a student. You’re going to have some pretty strong ideas about how the gun should be painted, as the effectiveness of the illusion is what will keep you alive, and that’s fine. However, you should remember that the person you’re working with is an artist and will have thoughts and ideas on the gun/hoagie as well. It’s important to hear them out and let them express themselves creatively, even if ultimately, you’re the boss. For example, if they come up with an idea to make the trigger look like a slice of onion, it’s important to make them feel like they’ve been heard, before you make constructive comments about why you feel it may not work. That is what the collaborative process is all about.

You may be tempted to find a hotshot darling of the art world to paint your gun to look like a hoagie for the cachet and name value and eventual increased price you can sell the gun for. (Especially if they die. Maybe from the gun! That would be quite a windfall for you.) But the downside of having your rifle painted to look like a hoagie by a famous artist is that now many, many people will know the hoagie you’re carrying is actually a gun, totally defeating the purpose of having a gun painted to look like a delicious sandwich.

This may all seem like too much work. Maybe you’re reconsidering the intelligence of painting a large caliber rifle to look like a food item. I urge you to reconsider. With the right preparation and handling, the sandwich gun will serve you in good stead for many years. It’s just a fact of life; there are many places people will let you bring an oversized sandwich where they won’t allow you to bring semiautomatic weapons. This ruse will give you a nice advantage over your enemies.

Lou Murphy (1978–2011) proudly shows off his new gun painted to look like a hoagie.

PARKING GARAGE

Not a weapon as much as it is an advantageous battleground. If you can arrange for your foe to meet you in a dimly lit stairwell, or parking garage, you can give yourself a nice edge in the fight. Get there early. You’ll need to set up before anyone else arrives. Unscrew a few light bulbs, just enough to flicker. If there’s any covering over the bare bulb, get rid of it. If you can arrange for the bulb to swing on a lone wire, do so.

Spill lots of oily water, and if possible arrange for more of the mixture to drip, eerily, into puddles arranged around the parking garage …

Place several cats around the garage. One or two will wander off, but at least one will stay and hopefully jump out at just the right moment to startle your foe.

Have a buddy sit in a Cadillac across from where you’re meeting your foe. Make sure both headlights are working and that he knows how to activate the high beams. He also needs to be able to flip the lights on with a moment’s notice, before gunning the engine menacingly.

Practice tiptoeing your way toward your foe, then hiding behind a cement support column, before suddenly stepping out dramatically. It should be one fluid step. Not two half steps or any kind of shimmy. One smooth step. Practice it.

If you manage all of the above, you will be able to undermine your foe’s confidence, making them at least 15 percent more skittish. They’ll be prone to panicking and possibly dropping their briefcase and running off.

CONCLUSION

Congratulations. At this point you are as prepared for battle as any person ever to set foot on Earth. Capable of dispatching just about anyone or anything you encounter. Hannibal, Genghis Khan, William Wallace, Wyatt Earp, and Luke Perry would all bow in awe of your skills and readiness, were they all somehow in one place together. This would be seconds before they notice each other and instantly freak the fuck out at how weird everyone else looks. Then they’d probably try to annihilate each other, before banding together as a team determined to find out who and what imprisoned them in a giant floating sphere of—ANYWAY, that’s not important.

What’s important is—I have taken you as far as I can. The rest is up to you. You’ve read this book for the first of no doubt hundreds of times and are ready to swagger out into the world with a hitch in your step, a secret weapon up your sleeve, and the
shit-eating-est
grin to end all shit-eating grins. I leave you the following ten rules to help you on your journey. You are now ready for the world. Have at it.

10 CARDINAL RULES FOR HOW TO BEAT UP ANYTHING

10.
Practice. As children, the author of this book and his sister would often wrestle on the living room floor with their father in a game the author dubbed “Beat Up.”
Who cares?
you ask. You call it “playing,” I call it sparring at 2 percent intensity.

  9.
Always kick open every door before walking through it, preferably while screaming, “I got you!” Even if you’re alone and the room is empty. (Also do this with shower curtains, whether you hear water running, or not.)