Private 04 - Confessions (18 page)

Natasha and I moved across the hall to the doorway. Rose was already hanging her things in

Ariana's closet, while Cheyenne inspected the dust on Noelle's desk. She ran her finger across it and wrinkled her nose. "What are you doing?" I asked. "Lattimer said we could move in," Cheyenne said casually, slapping her fingers to clean them. "It is the best room in the house, and it's not like they're coming back." I swallowed a lump in my throat. "You couldn't at least wait until next semester?" Natasha asked. Cheyenne shrugged as she opened the box on the bed. "Someone was going to take it. We just wanted to make sure we got here first."

"God, Cheyenne. Could you be any more callous?" Natasha asked. Cheyenne was amused.

"Natasha, you're acting like Noelle and Ariana did nothing wrong. They murdered someone, for goodness' sake." She glanced at my rapidly paling face. "No offense." "None taken," I croaked. "The point is, they got themselves kicked out. Let's not martyr them, okay?" Cheyenne said. She pulled her satin jewelry box out of the cardboard one and placed it atop Noelle's dresser. The dresser behind which I'd once found that envelope full of naked pictures of Dash--the ones Noelle had planted for me to find as a joke. I smiled at the memory now, even as my eyes filled with tears. This was ridiculous. Twenty-four hours of numb and now, all of a sudden, I was feeling everything all at once.

"I have to go," I said.

"That's right! I heard you were leaving early," Cheyenne said. She stepped up to me and gave me a quick hug, pressing her face into my shoulder. "Have a fantastic break, Reed. Just try to put this semester behind you, because next semester everything is going to be different." I attempted to smile. Different. Right. How could it not be? "I can't wait!" Cheyenne trilled. At that moment Vienna and London burst in, Vienna in her pink coat, London in her baby blue, both with white wool hats pulled down over their thick hair.

"Cheyenne Martin! What do you think you're doing?" London demanded. "I'm moving into my new room," Cheyenne said.

"Oh, no way!" Vienna said, tossing her sweater bag on Noelle's bed. "This is our room. Our mothers were both in Billings, which means we have pri!" "You cannot just take the good room," London said. "That is just nonacceptable." "I think you mean unacceptable," Natasha corrected. "Whatever. My brain is mush from that history final," London said. "The point is, we're moving in here. Not you. We'll stage a sit-down if we have to." "That would be a sit-in, sweetie," Vienna said, whipping her hat off. "And that's exactly what we'll do."

"Girls, girls, girls," Cheyenne said, shaking her head. "Do you really think it's appropriate to cause a scene right now considering all that's happened?" Vienna and London looked at one another as if they were suddenly embarrassed. "Oh... well... yeah. Of course. What happened with Noelle and them is awful," Vienna said. "Just terrible," London agreed.

There was a moment of silence. Rose continued organizing her clothes. "But still! That doesn't mean you can just swoop in here and change the rules!" Vienna protested. Natasha laughed under her breath. "Might I suggest a compromise?" Cheyenne said. She hooked her arm around London's back, then reached out for Vienna as well. Sandwiched between their big-haired curviness, Cheyenne looked even tinier and wirier than ever. "You two can have Kiran and Taylor's room! The view from there is just as pretty." "Yeah, but--" "And you know, I was thinking that next semester we could implement an interior governing system for Billings. You know, like a real sorority," Cheyenne continued. "How would you two girls feel about being co-social chairs?" The Twin Cities stared at each other, wide-eyed.

"What, exactly, would our powers be?" London asked.

"Well, we'd need to figure that out as we went along of course, but I'm thinking event planning, decorating, invitations. . . ." London and Vienna were nodding in unison. Cheyenne really knew how to play to her audience. Natasha rolled her eyes at me and together we walked out. In the hallway I was surprised to find that I was smiling. The Twin Cities were always good for that. "Well. Sounds like next semester is gonna be a blast," Natasha said with false enthusiasm. "I can't wait to get back. How about you?" she

asked pointedly. "Yeah," I said, my smile faltering. "Can't wait."

"I'm thinking about not coming back." Constance tripped over the leg of her chair and then fell into it, dropping her tray on the table with a clatter. Her face was a picture of devastation. She was wearing those braids again, the ones that made her look ten years old. I felt like I'd just kicked Little Orphan Annie in the gut.

"What? No," she said. I shrugged and looked down at my untouched sandwich. The door opened and I tried my hardest not to look up at the people entering. I had no idea how I'd act if I saw Josh. I felt so incredibly, monumentally stupid and guilty and chagrined and sad every time I thought about him. Part of me felt that if I saw him I would just burst into tears, which would not help the feeling-stupid part. But part of me was aching to see him so badly I could have keeled over from the pain.

"Reed, everything is going to be different now," Constance said, shaking her bottle of Snapple. "They're gone. We all know who killed Thomas. It's over. Next semester everything's going to go back to normal." "Yeah, but what is that?" I asked, desperation twisting in my chest. "Since I've been here, it's been all about Noelle and then Thomas and then Josh. ... I don't even know what normal is here." "So don't you want to find out?" Constance asked. Her eyes sparkled with excitement. I wished I could feel that. I really did. But all I felt was overwhelmed. And tired. And thoroughly confused.

"I don't know. It's not like I'm dying to go back to Croton High," I said. Just imagining the gray cinderblock walls, the institutional lockers, the dingy cafeteria with its fading reading is FUNDAMENTAL posters made me sad. "But it might be a better alternative to starting over again at Billings." Constance eyed me sympathetically. Then, right before my eyes, her entire face lit up. A total transformation. "So don't go back to Billings!"

"What?" "Yes! You can come back and live with me!" she suggested, grabbing my hand andshaking it on the table. "Omigod! It'll be so much fun! Like it should have been!" Damn, she was sweet. She was so sweet she was spewing gumdrops. "I don't know. ..." "Come on!

I'm sick of my single anyway," she said, raising her eyebrows. "Let's be roommates again."

I took a deep breath and considered. Considered how simple that would be. Maybe if I did go back, I could just fly under the radar. Do my work. Be a student. Maybe there would be no more fabulous balls and flowing champagne. No more expensive gifts and spa treatments. Maybe when I graduated, I wouldn't have the support of the Billings Girls and all their connections behind me. But at least there would be no drama. No drama. I liked the sound of that. "Maybe," I said finally, not wanting to get her hopes up too high. "Yes! This is going to be so totally beyond amazing!" Constance jumped out of her seat and hugged me across the table. I rolled my eyes but smiled. I'd forgotten who I was talking to. With Constance, she'd get her hopes up as high as she wanted, thank you very much.

* * *

It was a beautiful day. Warm for December. I didn't even need a hat as I stood on the circle in front of Bradwell, waiting for my father to arrive. The campus was silent, everyone sequestered in their classrooms, taking their exams. All of them together, struggling through, heading for the finish line and their fabulous vacations. Me out here alone, waiting for the station wagon, the long ride home.

I turned and looked up at the buildings around the circle. They seemed smaller than before. Maybe because I knew what went on inside those walls now. Knew it wasn't all honor and truth and excellence. It was sad, really, how much my view of this place had changed.

I remembered that first day when we had pulled up here. Remembered how sophisticated and intelligent everyone had looked. How privileged I'd felt just to be here. I remembered meeting Constance and how I'd thought we could never be friends--that her incessant talking would drive me insane. How wrong I had been about her. I remembered Thomas, his knowing eyes, his self-assuredness, his sexy smile. And seeing the girls through the window at Bradwell. Noelle. Ariana. Kiran. Taylor. How exotic they had seemed then.

A tear slipped down my cheek and I quickly wiped it away.I heard the chug of my father's car as it turned up the hill down below. And suddenly I couldn't wait to get out of here. I picked up my backpack and shouldered it. That was when I heard the footsteps pounding behind me. I turned around and Josh grabbed me up in his arms. "I caught you. Thank God," he said, squeezing me hard. Squeezing out a few extra tears. I was relieved and anguished all at once. Wanted him to keep on holding me forever and also to just let me go. "Josh, I. . . your test--"

"Who cares? Are you okay? I heard you were leaving and I--are you okay?" He was grasping me all over. My shoulders, then my elbows, then my hips. Like he was checking to see if any parts of me were broken. His hands landed, finally, on my cheeks, cupping my face. His face was ruddy from the run, his blue eyes bright. His curly blond hair danced in the breeze. "Are you okay?" he repeated. "I'm fine," I told him, my heart bursting. "I'm totally fine." "I've been trying to call you over and over and over, but--" "My phone was off," I said. "Why?" "I don't know." I didn't anymore. That decision made zero sense to me now. "I just thought if you didn't call then I'd . . . I'm sorry. It's just been--"

"I know. I'm sorry." He held me close and then let me go and looked at me again. "You don't have to talk about it if you don't want to," he said. I exhaled. "Thanks. I can't. Not. . . yet." "I'm glad I got here in time," he said. "I had to say goodbye to you." I held his hand and listened to the approach of my father's car. I couldn't speak. Had no idea what to say. "Reed, I'm so sorry for what happened at the party. I was still kind of raw, you know? From everything that had happened. But I know I can't tell you what to do. . . who to hang out with." He squeezed my hand. "I just . . . didn't want you to leave without telling you that." The Subaru finally appeared at the top of the hill. My heart felt sick at the sight of it now. There was no time left. And so much to say.

"But maybe I can make it all up to you next semester," Josh said. I looked up at him. Looked him dead in the eye. After all that had happened, after all that had been revealed, there was no hint of I-told-you-so, not the tiniest glimmer of I-was-right in Josh's eyes. There was just concern and caring and something else even deeper than that. My heart pounded erratically. "But Josh... I'm not coming back." All the color seeped right out of him. "What?" The Subaru turned onto the circle. No time. No time. "I can't come back here.

I can't. It's all wrong," I railed, desperation welling inside of me. "It's just too much. I can't . . . I can't. . . ." Josh grabbed me and hugged me. "Don't say that," he said into my ear. "Do not say that. You don't have to decide anything right now. Go home. Think about it over break. Just don't--"

I pulled away from him. It was the hardest thing I'd ever done in my life. "I've already made my decision. I'm sorry." "But Reed, I lo--" "Don't!" I blurted. My heart was in my throat. The last guy who'd said that to me had gotten killed for it. "Just don't." Josh stared at me. The hurt and betrayal in his eyes were almost more than I could take. My father stopped the car with a squeal of the brakes. God love him, he didn't get right out.

"This is goodbye," I said. Then I leaned in and kissed him firmly on the lips. Tears leaked out the corners of my eyes as my heart broke down the middle. I turned around and grabbed my laundry bag. My father took that as his cue. He got out, came around the car, and hugged me. The smell of my dad, the feel of him, almost sent me over the edge. The last time I'd seen my dad was the day he'd dropped me off when every single thing had been different. The sob was right there at the back of my mouth, but I held it.

"Hey, kiddo," my father said, touching my face with his glove. "You okay?" He looked over at Josh, as if wondering if he'd have to kick some ass. "=I'm fine," I replied. "Let's just go." Without another word, he threw all my stuff in the car and slammed the door. I looked out the window at Josh. He hadn't moved an inch. He just stood there, staring at me, his eyes swimming, his jaw clenched. I touched the window with my fingertips. Still, he didn't move.The car lurched forward and then pulled away. I looked back once and instantly regretted it. Josh stood there, alone, with those imposing buildings rising up behind him. He loved me. And I was never going to see him again. This was the last image I would have of him, burned into my brain.

I turned around and faced forward. As the car dipped down the hill, I fought the urge to look back again, to see Easton for one last time. I didn't need to see it. It didn't matter. It was over. This chapter of my life was closed Christmas Day. I sat on the curb in front of Wendy's, watching my brother and his friends pop lame-ass tricks on their skateboards in the parking lot. Jen O'Connell and Melissa Pilotowski smoked cigarettes and attempted to peel the numbers off the drive-through menu with a plastic knife they'd found in the bushes. Overhead, the sky was gray, but there was no snow on the ground, no snow in the forecast. Nothing to soften the square blandness of this crusty town. I took a deep breath and looked toward the town center, at the decorations I'd so looked forward to seeing. Their lights were extinguished now, being that it was daylight. The cheap, plastic-covered wires, the tinsel... it all just looked depressing now. A white, mud-splashed Croton police car turned into the parking lot. One whoop of the siren. The window rolled down. It was John Foley. He'd graduated from Croton High two years ago, second to last in his class. Now he was one of Croton's finest.

"All right, kids. Let's move it along," he said. "You got it, Johnny Fo!" my brother said, lining up for another rail slide. "I mean now, Brennan," John said. "Not after you break your neck.""Oh, you mean now. Like now now?" Scott said, earning some laughter from his boys. "Sorry. I misunderstood." Then he did the slide anyway, dropped down in front of me, and laughed. "Come on, loser. Let's go wake up Mom and force-feed her some Yuletide ham steak."