Playing My Love (20 page)

  Do I love her?

  Ask me something else.

  Am I in love with her?

  I want another question.  An easier one.

  There aren't any easier questions.  There aren't any more questions.

  I hugged my knees to my chest.  I could feel the cool breeze coming from the sea, carrying a saltiness that was refreshing.

  Yes.

  Yes, I do love Darcy.  And as for the other question, I think it was fair to say that I had been deep in the process of falling in love with her.  I was a grown up, aware of my feelings enough to recognise it was more than friendship, more than a crush.  Yes, I had allowed myself to believe that one day we'd both be free to fully explore our feelings for each other.  I just hadn't anticipated the return of Sam.

  "FUCK!"  I shouted at the surf, surprising myself.

  Hey, here's another question!  Why did I let her go?  Why did I give her up so easily?

  I stood up, furious with myself.  Give her up easily?  There was nothing easy about this.

  Then why didn't I tell her the truth?

  Because that would have sounded awful.  "Darcy, Gray has the Big C and probably only a few months left to live.  I would really appreciate it if you'd tell Sam where to go, and hang around to wait for me?
  I like you a lot, and who knows what could happen!"

  The truth was, I didn't know why I hadn't told her how I felt, and it just hadn't seemed like the right time to bring up
Gray's 'C'.  I was waiting for The right time, and that was that.  I knew the longer I left it, the harder it was going to be, but I was sure she'd understand.

  I drove home in a sulky temper and found Gray waiting up for me, which made me feel worse for some reason.  I gave him a gentle telling off before taking him to the bedroom and putting him to bed.  When I finally joined him, a few hours (and a bottle of Merlot) later, I lay listening to his rhythmic snoring until the very early hours.

  This time tomorrow, Darcy will probably be lying in Sam's arms.

  Oh, and torturing myself with thoughts like that.

                                                                 
12

                                            One Very Good Reason

  I didn't recognise the number that was calling
me and almost didn't answer it, but curiosity got the better of me.

  "Hello?"

  "Ali?  It's Nicki, Darcy's flatmate."

  "Oh.  Hi
, Nicki, I'm glad you called.  I left my guitar in Darcy's room last night, and I need to come over and collect it."

  "Yeah, I know. 
Darce gave me your number before she left so I could arrange a time for you to pick it up."

  "Did she leave already?"  I tried to sound casual. 

 
"She left about fifteen minutes ago. So, what happened?  I thought you were gonna try and get her to stay?"
  Nicki sounded annoyed with me.

  "I just told her to follow her heart and be happy"  I replied, a bit defensively.

  "Great!  You do realise what this means, right?  As soon as she graduates, she's gonna fuck off to the states for good?"

  "What?  What are you talking about?"  I stood up and walked to the window, a sudden agitation coming over me.

  "Darcy and Sam had always talked about getting a place together over there.  It was always their plan, and I can't see that things would be any different now if they get back together."
  There was a pause. 
"You do know how she felt toward you, right?"

  "Yes…I think so."

  "She would have stayed for you.  Not for me, not for her mum.  But she would have stayed for you, until you made it quite clear how much you care."

  "But I
do
care"  I whispered.  Nicki snorted.

  "Well, whatever.  Best get used to her not being around,
cos she'll disappear for months at a time until she gets her visa to live over there."

  "Nicki, are you sure?  I mean, they've been apart for a while.  What if things are different now?"

  "Don't you get it?  If anything, she'll want to get as far away from you as possible now, so yeah, I'm sure.  It's not like there's anything worth staying here for, and besides which, Sam always said she'd never leave the states."

  I swallowed a couple of times.

  "How's she getting to the airport?  Is she driving?"

  "No, she's getting the train."

  "From the train station?"

  "Uh, yeah, that is normally where trains go from!"

  "Do you know what time her train leaves?"  I asked, ignoring her sarcasm.  I was already searching for my keys.

  "Twelve forty five, why?"

  I hung up, already at the front door.

  "Gray?  I have to go out, it's an emergency.  Um…I love you, and I'll be back in a few hours"  I shouted, then left without waiting for his reply.  I could make it to the station, but it was
going to be very, very close.  My hands were shaking as I tried putting the key in the tiny hole to start the engine and I cursed.  The consequences of not getting there on time weighed heavily on me.  Would she even stay after what I'd said to her last night?  I wasn't sure, but I had to try.  I couldn't lose her.

  I turned the stereo off as I drove, needing full concentration on the road ahead.  It seemed to take forever to navigate the country roads to town, but at least I didn't get stu
ck behind any tractors which were a regular occurrence around these parts.

  I pulled up outside the train station at twelve thirty eight.  There was no time to buy a parking ticket, so I just abandoned my jeep where it was without even bothering to lock the door
,
and ran in.  I had no idea where I was going, because I didn't know where she was headed (should have got that information from Nicki really, but it was too late now) so I just scanned the departure screens.  There was a train leaving platform four at twelve forty five and it stopped at Gatwick airport.  This seemed the most likely one, so I ran for it at full speed, taking the stairs to the platform two at a time and knocking into several people, shouting apologies over my shoulder.  I nearly went head first down the stairs because my unexercised legs were starting to protest against running.  I searched for Darcy's head on the platform among the small crowd waiting to board the train.

 
Of all days for the trains to be running on time
I thought, but then I spotted her.

  "Darcy!  DARCY!"  I shouted, catching her attention just as she'd picked up her bag to get on the train.  She turned around in surprise.

  "Alison?"

  I threw my arms around her neck, barely able to breathe from my exertions, but so happy and relieved to have caught her.  She hugged me back, obviously not minding my sweaty embrace.

  "Please, don't go?"  I begged, holding her tight.  She stiffened beneath me, then pulled herself free.

  "It's too late."

  "
Please
?"

  "Miss?  This train leaves in one minute.  Are you getting on or not?"  the conductor asked.  Darcy didn't even glance his way, her eyes on mine, guarded and apprehensive.

  "I don't know yet."  Then to me she said, "Give me one good reason not to go.  You have forty five seconds."

  My shoulders were heaving from where I was still trying to catch my breath, and I stared at her in dismay.  I'd never been very good at articulating my feelings, and she was giving me forty five seconds?  She took my silence as an answer and went to turn away, but I caught her shoulder and pulled her back round to face me.  There was only one thing I could think to do that would convince her of how I felt.
  I stepped close, cupped her face between both my hands, and gently touched my lips to hers.  For a long second, we both froze in that position, as shocked as each other.  Then, I seemed to be vaguely aware of my senses adjusting.  The sounds of the station around us faded, as if on mute; the smell of the trains was replaced by her perfume; I could feel the warmth from her body against my own, creating an intense heat that made my heart pound.  Everything outside faded, and now everything was Darcy.  I moved my lips, brushing them tentatively against hers.  When she responded, it was with the same trepidation, but her hands lightly touched my waist.  Feeling bold, I touched my tongue to her lips, tasting my own saltiness on them.  She gasped and I felt her grip on my waist tighten, as if she was holding on.  Then our tongues met, softly caressing as our kiss deepened.  It was a very sensual moment and I pulled her head closer, needing more.  One of her hands tangled itself in my hair, the other snaking around my back and pulling our bodies tight together.  Somewhere in the recesses of my mind, I registered that her hair was indeed as silky and soft as I'd always imagined it to be, but not as silky and soft as her tongue was against mine.  I felt dizzy from the intensity of it all and realised that I wasn't breathing, fully lost in my exploration of Darcy's mouth.  I broke contact for a moment, resting my forehead on hers as I gasped for air.  I seemed unable to open my eyes just yet.

  "Please
, Daneka.  Stay for me?"  I whispered.

  "Miss, this train is leaving right now.  Are you getting on?"

  I forced my eyes open and found hers.  She also seemed to be having trouble breathing as she searched my face.  I guessed it was to see if I truly meant what I was saying, to make sure my words matched my actions.  Then with a slight tilt of her chin, I felt the hand still tangled in my hair pull me back in for another kiss.  It was deeper and hungrier, our lips bruising against each other's as we pushed in hard.  I moved one of my hands down, grazing her breast on its way to her hip so I could pull her hard against me.  The fact that there was no erection digging into me just seemed more sensual for some reason and I ground my pelvis into hers.  I had no idea how long we stood there kissing, finally giving in to how we felt, and I wasn't even sure if I knew where we were for a while!  I just abandoned myself to her completely.

  Yes!  Yes, I was totally in love with Darcy!  If I'd ever doubted it before, I was definite now! 

  This time when we broke apart, we both seemed to be holding on to each other as if for dear life.  I felt dazed!

  "What just happened?"  she whispered.

  "Love?  I think love just happened."  I didn't feel embarrassed saying that to her, although it sounded like something from a cheap film.

  "Yes, maybe.  It just…it felt like more than love, Alison.  I need to know what's going on?"  she begged, her eyes still wary.
  I knew she was desperate for an explanation, some sort of reassurance that staying was the right choice, anything to let her know she hadn't just made a huge mistake.

  "Darcy, I know you're confused by my actions, but I can't give you any explanation right now other than that things are very complicated.  But I want you to know that I am
not
confused.  I know how I feel about you and I hope I just showed you that.  I needed to show you so you'd understand this isn't just a whim of some bored housewife."

  She was silent for a while as she digested this.

  "I don't know what the story is with you and Gray, but I'm not going to have an affair with you…"

  "I don't expect you to do that.  I'm just asking for some patience from you.  For you to respect
that there's more going on that I can't tell you about right now."

  She sighed, then nodded softly.

  "Okay.  I'll respect that.  But if you hurt me, or break my heart, I don't think I'll ever be able to forgive you.  Do you understand?"  It wasn't a threat.  She was just telling me how she felt, what she was scared of.  I nodded.

  "I understand."

  She caressed my cheek softly, running her thumb across my lower lip.  This sent a small shiver through me and I leaned forward, wondering if she was going to kiss me again.  She looked pained, torn between kissing and pulling away, but the latter won over.

  "Can you take me home?  I need to phone Sam."

  As we moved apart, it was almost a shock to see we were still in the station and that we were being watched by several interested groups of people.  Darcy bent down and picked up her bag, and as she straightened up I took her free hand in mine.  Then we walked in silence out of the station to my jeep.  I removed the large, glaring yellow sticker from the windscreen, not caring about the fine I'd incurred.  It had been worth it.