Playing My Love (19 page)

  Because Darcy was studying for her exams, she told me she'd have to squeeze my lessons in around her revision times.  She took out her diary and booked me in for every Tuesday and Friday night before giving me a long, warm hug goodbye.  After I'd seen her off, I went back inside.  Gray had gone to bed already so I poured myself a large glass of whiskey
, and sat down at my laptop.  I wanted to find the song she'd played for me, the French one.  Unable to remember the name of it, I instead typed in Carla Bruni and scrolled through the song titles until I found it.

  Le
Ciel Dans Une Chambre.

  I pulled up a link on You Tube to hear how Carla sang it, then opened another window to translate the lyrics.  The translation was coarse, but I got the general gist of the words.

  It was beautiful.  It was love.

  I listened to the song several times in a row, trying to hear everything, although in my opinion, it paled in comparison next to Darcy's soft voice.  I'd already decided I was going to try and learn it by myself to surprise her, and also that I was going to learn the lyrics at the same time.  I thought it would be easier than trying to integrate them in at a later date.

  By the time I went to lay down next to Gray, my mind was whirring with French lyrics and chords, and it took me a long time to drift off.

                                                               
11

                                              Stupid Questions

  Over the next few weeks,
Gray's condition seemed to decline at an alarming rate and we made several emergency trips to the hospital where they decided to insert a stent to relieve the pressure.  Because I'd done my research on this, I was already prepared for the procedure. I knew that the cancer was putting pressure on the bile duct, which was in turn causing the jaundice.  The stent would let the bile flow freely again and provide some temporary relief from his symptoms.  A few days after it was fitted, his colour started to return to a healthier hue, and his sickness and lethargy lifted enough so he was able to re-join me for meals, even if his were considerably smaller.

  During this time, I made the decision to start taking my lessons at Darcy's flat instead.  This was mainly because Gray thought it would be good for me to get out of the house for a change of scenery
after being stuck inside with him for so long.  In the end I relented because I thought it would give Darcy more time to study if she wasn't driving back and forth, and I really had nothing much else to be doing anyway, apart from keeping a close eye on Gray.

  It was about mid-June when I pulled up outside the flat she shared with Nicki for our Friday night lesson, and noticed there were a lot more cars parked up than normal.  And as I approached their front door, I saw it was open and people were milling about in the hallway.

  Oh great.  A party.

  I made my way through, looking for either Darcy or Nicki, and found the latter in the kitchen making a round of lethal looking drinks.

  "Ali!  Oh my god!  Darcy's been trying to call you all night!"  she shouted, very enthusiastically.

  "Oh, really?  Why?"  I pulled my phone out of my bag, and sure enough there were seven missed calls and four texts.  I frowned, puzzled as to how I could have missed them all, but then noticed my phone was on silent.  I hadn't turned the volume back on after
Gray's nap earlier.  "Where is she?"  I asked, not bothering to read the texts.  I was here now, so I might as well go and see her.

  "
Bedroom.  Go and see her, talk some fucking sense into her!  I've tried and she just ignored me.  It pains me as her best friend to say this, but if anyone can get her to stay, it'll be you."

  "Stay?  What do you mean?"

  "As in not go?  Because you make her happy, you bring out her rainb…er, you make her smile!"

  I cringed
as she tried to backtrack.  It seemed everyone knew about it now.

  "Without sounding stupid, where is she going?"  I asked, trying to hide my embarrassment.

  "Running back to fucking Sam!  Have you even read your messages?"

  I frowned, shaking my head.  I tried to dig into my reserves of patience, deciding I needed this information before I found Darcy.  Nicki took a deep breath.

  "I should really let Darce tell you…but, Sam's got back in touch.  She wants her back, or something, and it's just fucked her head up, you know?"

  My mouth went dry and I stared at Nicki, trying to digest this.

  "And she's…she's going to go back to her?" 

  "I don't know!  She won't talk to me!"  she replied, exasperated as if it was obvious.  "Look, she's in her room.  Go talk to her!  Make her stay!"

  I turned and headed robotically toward Darcy's bedroom, my heart pounding as I thought quickly.  I had no right to be jealous, I knew that much.  I held no rights over Darcy.  And, as she kept pointing out, I was a married lady.  Surely Darcy deserved a bit of happiness?  I mean, at the end of the day, what could I offer her, really?  The possibility that one day, if she was patient and didn't mind waiting, that we
might
be able to pursue a relationship?  Was I certain enough of my feelings toward her to make that sort of a promise?

  Yes, I thought instantly.  But it was irrelevant.  Sam and Darcy had history.  Sam was available now.  And by the time I reached Darcy's bedroom door, I'd come to a firm, if not difficult, decision.  No matter how I felt for Darcy, I would back
off, and encourage her to follow her heart with Sam.  I knocked.

  "Fuck off."

  "It's me.  Alison"  I called out through the door.  There was a long pause and I was about to shout again louder, when the door opened.  She'd obviously been very recently crying as her eyes were red and puffy and still slightly damp.

  "I tried to call you.  I left you messages"  she said quietly.

  "My phone was on silent, I didn't get them.  Can I come in?"

  She opened the door wider for me and shut it firmly once I was inside.  I propped my guitar against her desk and perched on the edge of her bed, feeling very nervous.

  "So, Nicki said Sam's been in contact?"  I prompted.  She didn't answer straight away, moving slowly to sit at the head of her bed, crossing her legs beneath her.  She looked vulnerable and lost, a feeling I recognised well from experience.  However, I knew how to hide it better.

  "She wants me back
, Alison"  she said, almost as if she didn't quite believe it.  I swallowed.

  "Okay.  Why don't you start at the beginning?"

  She looked up at the ceiling, deep in thought.

  "She sent me an email this morning.  I almost didn't read it.  I mean, my finger was on the delete button, ready to get rid of it.  But then all of a sudden, it was open and I was reading it!  It said she'd broken up with
him
months ago and that she couldn't stop thinking about me.  She begged me to at least call her."  She snorted.  "I was sooo angry!  I went online straight away, bought an overseas calling card and phoned her up.  Jesus, I was prepared to shout at her, tell her how she broke my heart, remind her of the pain she put me through!  But when she answered…I couldn't do it!  I froze up!  She took advantage of my silence to tell me how she regretted us breaking up every single day, and that she missed me more than I could imagine, blah blah blah.  She said that if I took her back…"  Darcy paused.

  "What?"  I didn't want to know.  I had to know.

  "She said that if I took her back, she'd tell her family about us and stay with me no matter what the outcome was.  She wants me to fly out tomorrow for a few days, just to talk."

  "What about your exam?"

  "I'd be back in plenty of time for it."

  I took a deep breath.

  "So what's the problem?  Why aren't you happy?"

  "Don't.  Just…don't pretend like you don't know."

  I was silent, neither willing to confirm or deny anything.

  "Alison, I
know
I'm not the only one feeling like this.  I know you feel it too, because I can see it in your eyes"  Darcy leaned forward, taking my hand.

  "I'm…I'm married"  I said, feeling like it seemed to be the popular phrase when things got intense between us.  "We both know that.  It doesn't matter how I feel, does it?  So, what are you going to do?"

  "I don't know.  What do you think I should do?"

  I looked down at her carpet, avoiding her eyes.

  "Do you still love her?"

  She hesitated, but her answer was soft.

  "Yes.  I think I do."

  My heart fell through my stomach like a lead weight.  However, I forced myself to smile before I turned to face her.

  "Then you should go and be with her.  She obviously loves you, more than you ever realised, eh?"

  That goes for the both of us.

  Wait a second…
what
?  Love?  Was I in love with Darcy?

  Before I could dissect my confusing revelation, I noticed she was looking intently into my eyes.

  "What do you
want
me to do?"

  Stay?  Wait for me?  Love me?

  There was that love word again!

  "I want you to be happy.  It's what you deserve.  Go to her, be with her, be happy!  You might never get this chance again!"  The words were like razors in my mouth, cutting deep and hurting like hell.  It looked like they hurt just as much for her to hear them.
  I decided to pound the nail into the coffin.  "Darcy, I could never ask nor expect you to hang around for me.  It wouldn't be fair.  Hey, you've still got the ring, right?"

  I watched her struggling to swallow and keep her eyes from overflowing.  I myself was going through the same struggle, but again, I hid it better.

  "Yes.  You…you want me to go?  Because if I do, there's no turning back."

  I understood.  If I change
d my mind, she would not be dumping Sam for me.  I nodded, hearing my neck click as I did, almost as if it was a last ditch protest.

  "Go.  But don't you even think
about ditching out on my guitar lessons!"  I said, trying to sound upbeat, but knowing I wasn't fooling anyone.  Her eyes reminded me of a wounded puppy, and I had to look away from them.  She pulled her hand out of mine.

  "Okay.  Well, I guess I'd better pack then.  I'll call
you next week when I get back to arrange your lessons again."

  It was
my cue to leave.  Said in a cold dismissive way, it was a 'get away from me and leave me alone', which I think I deserved in return for my 'I can't see you and I having a future together.'  Even if it was a big fat lie.

  "Sure.  Have a safe trip
, Darcy, and I hope everything works out well for you both."  Another lie.  I was on a roll.

  "Yeah.  Me too.  Goodbye
, Alison."

  I tried not to flinch at the finality in the tone, nor let myself get upset too much at the way she got off the bed and stared out of the window with her back to me.

  "Goodbye."

  I walked shakily from the room, forgetting for a moment that there was a party happening outside.  I kept my head down, pretending to be engrossed in an important text, until I was outside.  It wasn't until I was fumbling for my car keys that I realised I'd left my guitar in her room.  I decided to send her a text to say I'd collect it after the weekend
, telling myself it was to give her time to pack.  But I knew it was so I could collect it when she wasn't there, and I knew she'd know that too.

  I drove.  I didn't know where I was going, only that it wasn't home.  I needed to be alone so I could think.  After about an hour I found myself at the coast, and
I parked up before going to sit on the sand and watch the waves.  It wasn't too cold, but I didn't care either way.

  What am I going to do without her?

  Okay, that was easy.  She was coming back, so I'd still have her as a friend, and that was all she was to be fair.

 
What if Sam comes back with her?  Could I handle seeing them together, happy and in love, kissing and touching each other?

  That would be something I could avoid if possible, but if I
had
to be near them both, I'd just have to deal.

  Had I been lining her up as
Gray's replacement?

  Hmm, this was a hard one.  I was almost one hundred per cent certain, after endless hours of analysis, that I would have had the same feelings for Darcy even if Gray hadn't have been dying.  So yes, things would have bee
n extremely confusing, possibly even more so than they currently were.  But if I was going to be completely, brutally honest with myself, I would have to admit that yes, I had been planning on pursuing her romantically after Gray had 'left.'  But I didn't want to see it as replacing Gray.  Not really.