Pieces of My Heart (51 page)

I went over and hugged him. My father – the maverick, the trail-blazer, the lunatic, the sweetest man, the kindest heart, the maddest notions.

57

As we drove home from Charlie’s apartment, my phone beeped. It was a text from Sally:

‘Sally said she’s sorted it out,’ I said quietly to Paul – the girls were chatting in the back of the car.

‘Well, that’s great. What did she decide?’

‘I don’t know. She said she’ll fill me in tomorrow. But I’m guessing she’s given in and agreed to try for a baby. I really think it’s the wrong decision.’

Paul shrugged. ‘Maybe there is no wrong decision. Maybe it’s just what you make of your decision and how you deal with it that counts.’

‘I never thought of it like that.’

‘Impressed, huh?’

‘Very.’ I grinned.

‘What are you two whispering about?’ Sarah demanded.

‘None of your business,’ Paul said.

‘Is Sally going to have Simon’s kid?’ she asked me.

‘I don’t know. I’ll find out tomorrow.’

‘I don’t think she should,’ Ali piped up.

‘Why not?’ I was curious.

‘Because if you just do things to please other people you won’t necessarily make yourself happy and that can lead to problems.’

‘Duh, I figured that out when I was three,’ Sarah drawled.

When we got home the girls went upstairs. Sarah was helping Ali to get ready for Stephen Green’s party. She was doing her makeup.

Paul and I sat in the lounge, having a glass of wine, reading the papers. We could hear squealing from the bathroom.

‘It’s great to hear them having fun,’ Paul said.

I smiled at him. ‘It’s a sound that’s been missing for a while.’

‘Are you OK about Charlie moving out?’ he asked.

‘Yeah, I’m fine. I’ll really miss him but I’m also glad to have the house to ourselves. I’m keen to get normality and structure back to our lives. It’s been so mad for the last few months that I’m craving peace and calm. Besides, he’s only a ten-minute drive away.’

‘That’s true and he’ll actually be moving back in next weekend to keep an eye on things.’

‘What do you mean?’ I asked.

Paul handed me an envelope. It contained a return ticket to Paris. ‘I’m taking you on a long-overdue weekend away. We’re going to Paris for two nights and we’re staying in the Hôtel de Verger – do you remember it? It’s the one in the converted abbey near the Luxembourg Gardens. I’ve booked the same room with the balcony. If the weather’s nice, we can have breakfast there looking across the city.’

I stared at him.

‘Say something.’

I shook my head.

‘Are you pleased? I thought it was a good idea, kind of like a full circle. Ali was conceived there and now she’s back home after being so sick and I figured that it’d be a good place to celebrate.’

I put my head in my hands and bawled.

‘Jesus, Ava, I didn’t mean to upset you. Look, I’ll cancel it – we can go at a later date. Maybe it’s too soon after Ali coming home.’

‘
Nooooo
,’ I sobbed. ‘It’s … it’s … it’s my favourite place. It’s … it’s … my favourite memory. It’s perfect.’

‘Thank God for that. You gave me a fright,’ he said, taking me in his arms. ‘I thought I’d really upset you.’

‘Not sad tears, happy tears,’ I muttered into his jumper. ‘It’s just wonderful.’

‘I love you, Ava,’ he whispered into my ear.

‘Ditto,’ I said, wiping my eyes and kissing him.

‘Oh,
puuurlease
, get a room.’ Sarah came in as we were mid-kiss.

‘Get used to it. There’s going to be a lot more of it going on.’ Paul winked at me.

‘Teenagers do not want to see their parents snogging – it’s gross.’

‘Well, then, you’d better learn to knock before barging in.’ I laughed.

‘Whatever. Now, are you ready to see Ali’s incredible transformation?’

‘Absolutely,’ I said.

‘Prepare to be blown away. I’m a genius at make-overs.’

Sarah led us out to the hall and called Ali. She came out of the bathroom and walked down the stairs.

Paul wolf-whistled. She looked so pretty, young and excited. Sarah had actually done a great job with the makeup. Ali didn’t look washed out, she looked healthy. Her eyes sparkled for the first time in months.

‘Isn’t she totally hot?’ Sarah asked.

‘You’re a vision of loveliness,’ Paul gushed.

‘Beautiful,’ I agreed.

‘Stop – you’ll make me cry and I can’t ruin my makeup.’ Ali laughed.

‘Don’t you dare cry – it took me ages to get your eye-shadow right,’ Sarah warned.

The doorbell rang. It was Bobby. He stopped in his tracks when he saw Ali. ‘Dude, you look amazing,’ he enthused.

‘Thanks,’ Ali said, blushing at all the attention.

‘Your hot wheels are here, ladies,’ Bobby said, swinging his car keys.

‘What do you mean?’ Ali asked.

‘I knew this was a really big deal for you, so I asked Bobby to borrow his dad’s Ferrari so you could arrive at the party in total style. Everyone is going to be so jealous.’ Sarah beamed.

‘Are you sure that’s OK?’ Ali asked Bobby.

‘Totally. I’m happy to do it. Sarah told me she wanted it, and you know how hard she is to say no to,’ he said. Then, to Paul, he added, ‘Although I’m working on saying no to her more often, Mr M.’

‘Good lad. It gets easier with practice,’ Paul told him.

‘Have a lovely time, pet,’ I said, kissing Ali on the cheek. ‘Enjoy yourself. You deserve it.’

She put her arms around me and whispered in my ear, ‘Thanks, Mum, for everything. I would never have made it without you. I love you.’

I choked back tears as my beautiful first-born walked out of the door back into the real world to embrace the life she could have lost.

58

The next day, I went to meet Sally for lunch. I had booked her favourite restaurant – Le Petit Loup. When she arrived I had a bottle of champagne waiting on ice.

‘What’s all this in aid of?’ she asked, delighted.

‘It’s for two reasons. It’s to thank you for being such an amazing friend to me over the last few months and allowing me to ear-bash you about my woes on a daily basis. And I wanted to congratulate you properly on being engaged.’

She grinned. ‘I’ll drink to that.’

‘So, how are things?’

‘Brilliant! We spent hours together yesterday just talking and crying and baring our souls. It was the most incredibly raw and draining conversation I’ve ever had. We put all our cards on the table, complete honesty. He told me his hopes, dreams and wishes and I told him mine. He said he didn’t want to lose me, but he did want children. I said I didn’t want to lose him, but I couldn’t bring a child I didn’t want into the world for anyone. It was cruel and unfair. As usual we went around in circles for hours. I don’t think I’ve ever cried so much. I actually felt dehydrated.’

‘How did you resolve it?’

‘The one thing we agreed on was how much we loved each other. That was set in stone. But he also wants to be a dad and I don’t want to be a mum. So we have finally come to an agreement.’

‘What?’ I was nervous about the answer.

Sally played with her fork. ‘It’s going to sound a bit unconventional. I need you to brace yourself.’

I sat up and paid full attention. ‘I’m all ears.’

‘We’re going to get married as soon as his divorce comes through and then Simon’s going to adopt a baby on his own. I’ll have no legal rights to it. I’ll just be its stepmother or surrogate mother or whatever the term is, if there even is a term.’

‘Wow.’ I wasn’t sure what else to say. It was certainly an unusual arrangement.

‘We’re going to live beside each other – Simon’s going to buy the apartment across from me that’s for sale. He’ll be the baby’s primary parent, but I’ll be there to help him out. I know I’ll love the child and I know I can help to bring it up, I just don’t want the responsibility of being its actual mother. Does that sound really weird?’

I cleared my throat. ‘It
is
unconventional, but knowing you and him, I think it’s inspired. You’re both getting what you want and he’ll be a great dad and you’ll make a fantastic stepmum, so the baby will be much loved. For you guys, it’s the perfect solution.’

‘I’m glad you think so. We really looked at every single angle and this was the only way we felt we could both be truly happy and fulfilled. I get to stay with Simon and I’m really happy to be a stepmum. I’m not sure how we’ll work out the sleeping arrangements – I guess I’ll sleep there a few nights a week – but we’re committed to staying together and moving forward.’

‘That’s great. Isn’t there some movie star who lives in a separate house from his wife and kids?’

‘Yeah, Woody Allen and Mia Farrow lived in separate houses, but the less said about that the better. They’re not exactly a shining example of success.’

‘Sorry,’ I said.

‘Some bloody comfort you are.’ Sally began to laugh. Within seconds we were both in hysterics.

‘I’ve got it!’ I shouted. ‘Helena Bonham Carter and Tim Burton live in adjoining houses in London. They seem really happy.’

Sally waved her glass in the air. ‘Hurrah! Yes, they do seem happy, and if it can work for them, it can work for Simon and me.’

We drank to that. I then broached with Sally the prospect that I might have to give up work for a while if Ali didn’t manage to eat properly. If I had to hold her hand I would – anything to stop her going back into the clinic. ‘You know how proud I am of Happy Dayz, I love coming to work with you every day, but if Ali can’t manage her food on her own, I’ll have to give up for a while to focus on her.’

‘Hold on a minute. If, and it’s only an if, Ali can’t manage her food intake, you can go home and help her with her meals, and while she’s in school or studying you can work. Didn’t the psychologist say you needed to keep your own life? Besides, I thought Donna said she’d eat lunch with her and let you know if anything started to slip.’

‘Yes, she did, bless her. But a lot of girls find it difficult to maintain their meal plans once they get out of the clinic. Look, with luck, Ali will be fine and there won’t be any problems, but I just wanted to mention it in case.’

‘OK, fine. Whatever happens we’ll work around it. I’m not losing my work partner. How’s Ali getting on so far?’

‘Really well, actually, she hasn’t lost any weight. It’s so nice having her home. She’s back to her new self – a more assertive, but still sweet Ali.’

‘It’s been a rough few months, hasn’t it?’ Sally squeezed my hand.

‘I feel as if I’ve lived a lifetime since September. And I used to think I had it all figured out. I was a working mother with two great children. No problems with drugs, alcohol, teenage pregnancies … Well, that bubble was certainly burst. I’m just like every other parent out there. I have no idea what I’m doing. I’m trying my best to deal with each crisis as it comes along and hoping against hope that I make the right decisions.’

‘You’re doing a great job, you’re a great mum.’

I put my fork down, chewed slowly and swallowed. ‘You know, Sally, I really thought I was, but I’m not. I’m just a mum. I make mistakes, big ones, and I have to deal with the consequences. This experience has crushed any notions I had about having good parenting skills.’

‘Everyone goes through rough patches with their kids. I was a nightmare to my poor mother, but I turned out OK. You’re doing the best you can and that’s all anyone can ask. You can’t control the way your children react to things – it’s in their DNA. There was no way you could have predicted Ali’s anorexia. You really have to stop being so hard on yourself. You’re a wonderful mother and Paul’s a brilliant dad. You’re a great team.’

‘Thanks. Speaking of teams, did I tell you Paul’s taking me to Paris next weekend?’

‘No!’

‘He’s booked the same hotel we stayed in eighteen years ago, where Ali was conceived. I can’t believe he remembered. It’s such a lovely surprise – well, it was a shock actually. Paul’s never organized anything in his life. I’m thrilled.’

‘Good for Paul … and good for you. You guys deserve a break. Do you want me to look in on the girls?’

‘Thanks for offering, but Charlie’s moving back in for the weekend.’

‘How is he?’

‘He’s really good. He comes over every day for his dinner – he has dinner with Ali on their own two nights a week, which is just brilliant as it gives Paul and me a break. He’s also started working at the refuge and so far hasn’t invited anyone to live with him. Although he seems a bit keen on Noreen who runs it, so God only knows what’ll happen there.’

‘Any word on Nadia?’

‘According to Magda, she’s gone back to Poland with her suitcase full of money to have her baby. Good riddance to her. Speaking of mad women, have you seen your stalker Maura lately?’

‘Not since Sarah scared her off.’

‘Oh, God, don’t remind me – she’s a liability.’

‘No, she’s just completely fearless, which is a fantastic way to be.’

‘Fearless is one way of putting it. It’s strange, you know. This journey we’ve been on with Ali’s anorexia has made us all closer. Sarah and Ali are getting on really well, but it’s more equal now. Ali is being more assertive and giving out to Sarah when she starts going off on tangents or being sarcastic about the clinic or food. Paul’s home four nights a week for dinner. He eats alone with Ali two nights and then with me and Sarah the other two. He’s just so much more involved with the girls now. His relationship with Sarah is so much better. Instead of fighting all the time they have great banter. And he’s closer to Ali too – he doesn’t have her up on this unnatural pedestal as the perfect child. He realizes that she’s just a normal teenager with problems and insecurities, that she’s going to make mistakes and he needs to be there for her.’