Pieces of My Heart (20 page)

‘It tends to happen when girls lose a lot of weight.’

‘Well, they only stopped this month. In fact, it’s probably just a bit late because I’m tired.’

‘Alison, are you happy with the way you look?’ Dr Garner asked.

‘Not really.’

‘Would you like to put on weight?’

‘God, no!’ Ali’s hands flew up to her mouth.

‘Right. Let’s weigh you and take it from there,’ Dr Garner suggested. She pulled out a big set of scales, told Ali to take off her coat and step up on it. ‘Six stone twelve pounds.’

Jesus Christ!

‘You’re very underweight for your height, Alison. A healthy weight for a girl of five foot eight would be ten stone or nine and a half at the least. You can sit down now. I’m going to take your blood pressure.’

Ali was three stone underweight. This was worse than I’d thought.

‘Your blood pressure is low. Alison, for the next while I’d like you to cut out all exercise and have lots of rest. Maybe even take a break from the books for a few days and just build up your strength. Put your feet up and watch movies. I’d also like you to try to eat lots of little meals instead of three big ones. How does that sound?’

‘It sounds fine, but I can’t take a break from studying. I have Christmas exams coming up.’

‘Well, don’t overdo it. You need to rest. Now if you wouldn’t mind stepping out for a minute I’d like to have a quick chat with your mum.’ Dr Garner showed Ali out to the waiting room and closed the door.

‘How bad is it?’ I asked.

Dr Garner sat down beside me. ‘Alison is very underweight and her blood pressure is low. Her symptoms would suggest that she has an eating disorder.’

‘Anorexia?’

She nodded. ‘How long has she been dieting?’

‘About two and a half months, but it only got really bad in the last few weeks.’

‘Well, that’s very positive. Early detection is key to curing anorexia.’

‘It still took me two months to find out. How did I not see what was going on?’

‘Don’t beat yourself up, Ava. It’s extremely hard to tell when a child is just dieting or when it becomes more than that. Anorexics are very clever at hiding their illness, which is why so many aren’t diagnosed for years. You did the right thing by bringing her to see me immediately.’

‘Is she going to be OK? Don’t some people die of this?’

‘Yes, they do, but the majority get better, especially teenage sufferers. However, you’ll need to watch her like a hawk and encourage her to eat little and often. She mustn’t exercise at all. I’d also like her to see Mary Boland. She’s a psychologist who specializes in treating teenage girls with eating disorders.’

‘Do you think this is all because of that boy breaking up with her?’

‘That certainly could have been the catalyst. Mary will help us get to the bottom of the problem, which will be a key factor in Alison’s recovery.’

‘Does she have a good success rate?’

‘She’s the best around. I think you’ll really like her. In the meantime, someone will need to supervise Alison’s meals and sit down with her while she eats. Gently encourage her to eat five or six small meals a day.’

‘Is there anything else I can do to help her get better?’

‘Just be there for her. Try to get her to talk to you and maybe do some fun things as a family. Make her feel as secure as possible.’

‘I’ve booked a holiday to the sun at Christmas.’

Dr Garner smiled. ‘That sounds perfect. A change of scenery will do her the world of good and the sun will help build up her immune system.’

‘What if she refuses to eat?’

‘If that happens, we’ll have to look at more in-depth treatments. But remember, Ava, Alison’s chances of full recovery are very high. You’ve sought professional help and are committed to helping her get better. These are all vital ingredients to her getting well quickly.’

‘Thank you, Judith. Thanks so much,’ I said, trying not to get emotional.

‘If you’re worried at all in the next ten days, call me and bring Alison back for a check-up before Christmas. In the meantime, book her in with Mary Boland and enjoy a nice family break.’

Ali and I walked to the car in silence. I was trying to figure out the best thing to say to her. But I was in shock. It had been confirmed: Ali had anorexia. She was sick. She could die. A mother’s job is to fix things. I had to make this better. I had to save her. I concentrated on driving and took deep breaths. I was no good to anyone if I was hysterical. I needed a calm head.

‘Ali, you heard the doctor. You’re very thin and you need to rest and eat, so that’s what we’re going to do. I’ll keep you at home for a few days.’

‘No, Mum, you can’t. I don’t want to stay at home. I need to go to school and keep up with work. I’ll just get bored at home. I’ll eat.’

‘Yesterday you promised Dad you’d eat but you had nothing for breakfast.’

‘I was just stressed about going to the doctor. I’ll have some cereal now. Don’t keep me at home, Mum. Let me go to school.’

‘Why are you doing this?’

‘What?’

‘Starving yourself. Why do you want to be so thin?’

‘I just decided to be healthier, that’s all. I don’t have anorexia. I was just a bit too strict on my diet, but I’ll stop now. It’s all fine, Mum.’

‘It’s not all fine, Ali. Dr Garner told me to take you to see a psychologist.’

‘
What?
I don’t need to see a psychologist, I’m not mad. Jesus, Mum, why do you have to overreact to everything? I’ve lost weight, not my mind.’

‘She thinks this woman will help you figure out why you’re not eating.’

‘Are you deaf? I’m not going to see a shrink.’

I parked the car in front of the house. ‘Yes, Ali, you are.’

She followed me into the kitchen. ‘Why are you trying to make me out to be crazy? OK, maybe my diet was too extreme, so I’ll stop now. Just leave it alone, Mum. Don’t start freaking out and sending me to see psychologists.’

‘You’ve been lying to us for months, Ali. I don’t know how to make you better, so I’m going to get help from people who can. I am not letting this go any further or get any worse. Don’t you get it? I’m trying to help you.’

‘I’m going to call Dad. He won’t let you send me to a shrink, I know he won’t.’

‘Go ahead.’ I handed her the phone. She knew she’d lost this battle.

‘I’ll talk to him when he gets home. I’m going to tell him what a psycho you’re being. I need to go to school now.’

Ali went to change into her uniform and I made her lunch. When she came back in, I handed her the food. She rolled her eyes and threw it into her rucksack.

‘Please eat it. Please don’t throw it away. You need to work with me, not against me, Ali.’

‘Whatever. Can we go now?’ She avoided eye contact.

We drove in silence to the school. Ali refused to talk to me, so I gave up. She sat with her arms crossed, looking furious. I had no idea how to get through to her. I dropped her at the front gate and watched her walk across the lawn into the school. Who was this stranger who had taken over my Ali?

22

I drove to work in a daze and sat in the car park, leaning back into the headrest. I tried to breathe in and out slowly to calm down. I felt as if my head was going to explode.

Sally came out of the office and knocked on my car window. ‘Are you OK? I’ve called you a million times. How’s Ali?’

I got out and she hugged me. ‘Let’s go inside. I need a drink and a cigarette.’ I hadn’t smoked since I found out I was pregnant with Ali seventeen years ago, but I needed one now.

Sally lit me a cigarette and opened a bottle of wine that we kept in a little fridge in the office. In between gulps, puffs and sobs, I filled her in on the last twenty-four hours.

‘Oh, Ava, I’m so sorry. Poor you. Poor Ali.’

‘When you started talking about your flatmate it was like a light bulb went on in my head. All of Ali’s weird behaviour suddenly made sense. How could I have been so stupid, Sally? I just thought she was a bit depressed because of David, but she was actually starving herself.’

‘Don’t blame yourself,’ Sally said. ‘Teenagers are always losing weight and being moody and Ali had a reason to be depressed – her first love broke up with her. How were you to know she was throwing out her lunch and running for miles every day at school? You can’t watch her all the time.’

‘She must have been hiding food in her napkin every time I turned my head, because I thought she was eating two slices of toast every morning as well as cereal. She’s been deceiving us for weeks … It’s so unlike her to be sneaky and manipulative.’

‘The important thing is that you’ve found out what’s wrong and you’re doing something about it. How’s Paul taking it?’

‘Last night he told me I was overreacting, but when Ali refused to eat this morning, he
finally
realized we have a problem. I’m raging with him for being so unsupportive.’

‘It’s harder for men to understand. They don’t obsess about weight the way we do.’

‘Do I talk about weight a lot?’

‘No, you don’t.’

‘Sometimes I squeeze my stomach and say I need to cut down on bread or start walking again. Do you think I could have given Ali a bad body image? She’s so bright and smart and beautiful I never worried about her, only ever about Sarah.’

Sally put her hand on my shoulder. ‘Ava, you are one of the sanest women I know. You very rarely talk about weight and then it’s only in a lighthearted way. This is not your fault. You can’t control what teenage girls think. You’re a great mother.’

‘But that’s just it, Sally, I’m not. I let this go way too far. The signs were there, right under my nose, but I was so busy with work and then Charlie and Nadia that I didn’t see what was happening to my own daughter. I should have been more vigilant after she broke up with David. I should have seen this.’

Sally came over and put a comforting arm around my shoulder. ‘No one saw the signs. Not you or Paul or Charlie or even Sarah. This is not your fault. You have to stop blaming yourself. You need to be strong and positive. You’ll get through this.’

‘She’s changed so much, Sally, that I don’t recognize her any more. She’s so secretive and unhappy and short-tempered.’

‘Of course she’s grumpy – she’s hungry all the time. Once she starts eating, she’ll go back to being her old self. Just take it one day at a time and don’t panic. Now, I want you to go home and focus on making Ali better. I’ll hold the fort here. If I need you urgently, I know where to find you.’

‘Thanks, Sally. I honestly don’t know what I’d do without you.’

‘If only some tall, dark and handsome man would say that to me.’

I called into the pub to tell Paul what the doctor had said.

‘So she is anorexic? Are we talking life-threatening here?’ he asked.

‘It only gets really dangerous if she continues with it. So we all have to keep an eye on her and encourage her to eat to make sure she puts back on the weight she’s lost.’

‘I couldn’t believe her at breakfast – she just refused to eat. I didn’t think she was that bad,’ he said, upset. Alison was his pride and joy. From the moment she had been born and he had held her for the first time, I was relegated to second position. They had had an immediate bond. He literally fell in love at first sight.

When Ali turned out to be the sweetest child, who never gave us a day’s trouble and always did well in school, Paul became even prouder and more besotted with her. She was such a serious little girl, always trying to please everyone, always doing her very best at everything. Paul, coming from an all-boys family, couldn’t believe that we had been blessed with such an angelic child.

When we went to parent–teacher meetings and the teachers praised her, Paul would lean over and say, ‘She’s a really special girl, isn’t she?’ and they’d smile and agree with him. Ali could do no wrong, and never did. Sarah, on the other hand, had ruffled his feathers from the day she was born. He adored her too, but they clashed a lot. I had to get him to stop saying, ‘Why can’t you be more like Ali?’ I was afraid it would cause a rift between the sisters. But Sarah was so confident and self-assured that she’d never been remotely jealous of Ali’s academic achievements, so it hadn’t been a problem. The two had always been close – until now.

‘Why don’t we go out for dinner tonight to that place Ali loves – Carluccio’s? I’ll get Johnny to cover for me here,’ Paul suggested.

‘Great idea. I’ll tell her when I pick her up from school.’

When I got home I called Mary Boland, the psychologist. Unfortunately she couldn’t see Ali until after Christmas. I was disappointed, but at least I had an appointment for the first Monday morning in January. I then made an appointment with Mrs Wilkins, Ali and Sarah’s headmistress. I wanted to make sure that everyone at school was on high alert. I locked Ali’s bicycle in the shed and hid the key. I felt better already, less weepy and overwhelmed. I was dealing with the situation. I was back in control. I would fix my daughter. Everything was going to be fine.

When I picked the girls up from school, Sarah bounded over to the car while Ali trailed behind. ‘Guess what?’ she said.

‘What?’

‘You are looking at the new Juliet Capulet.’

‘Who?’ I asked, watching Ali as she climbed silently into the car. My heart sank. It was a lot easier to imagine her getting better quickly when I wasn’t looking at her emaciated body.

‘Hello! Earth to Mother. What do you mean “who”? Juliet Capulet – as in
Romeo and Juliet
. As in William Shakespeare’s, like, most famous play ever. As in, like, Leonardo DiCaprio and Claire Danes in the movie? I’ve just landed the main part, and guess who’s playing Romeo?’

I looked at her blankly.

‘Bobby, of course! It’s total fate. We’re really into each other and Romeo and Juliet were, like, star-crossed lovers. It’s the same story – except obviously me and Bobby aren’t going to kill ourselves because our families hate each other. In fact, our families don’t even know each other and you’ll probably never meet Mr Masterson-Brown because he spends most of his time in Spain. He’s so loaded he’s, like, a tax exile or something. How cool is that?’

‘Sarah, can you please speak in English? I have no idea what you’re talking about.’