Pieces of My Heart (19 page)

Ali began to cry. ‘I can’t, Dad. I’m sorry.’

Nadia broke the silence. ‘I tell you story about my granny dying of starfation in the war. This will helps you eat. My grandmother –’

‘Thank you, Nadia, I’ll deal with this,’ Paul interrupted. ‘Alison, eat your dinner.’

Ali tried to swallow another piece of meat, but ended up spitting it into her napkin.

I put my hand on Ali’s arm. ‘Come on, love, just eat small bits.’

‘I can’t,’ she whispered.

‘Just eat the bloody meat,’ Paul snapped.

‘I can’t eat it. It’s full of
fat
,’ she screamed, and ran upstairs to her bedroom.

We all stood up to follow her. ‘STOP!’ Sarah shouted. ‘I’ll go. You’re freaking her out. Let me talk to her.’

I crept up after my daughters. I had to find out what the hell was going on in Ali’s head and I was determined not to let any opportunity to do so pass me by. I sat in the corridor outside her bedroom, with my ear pressed to the door.

‘Ali, are you OK?’ Sarah asked.

‘You’re a bitch. I can’t believe you told Mum you saw me throwing out my lunch.’

‘I had to. After Donna told me you’ve been doing a Forrest Gump impression every lunchtime, pretending to train for a marathon, I knew you’d lost the plot.’

‘It’s none of your business, you meddling two-faced bitch.’

‘Jesus, Ali, why are you being so horrible? What’s wrong with you?’ Sarah sounded really hurt – I’d never heard Ali speak to her like that before.

‘Stop making such a big deal out of nothing. I’m just trying to be healthy.’

‘Starving yourself is not healthy. You’re skinnier than Tracy and she’s way too thin.’

‘Am I really thinner than Tracy?’

I felt sick: Ali sounded thrilled.

‘Oh, my God, you’re actually happy about that? Are you nuts? She looks like crap.’

‘No, she doesn’t. You said yourself you thought she was like a model.’

‘That was before she lost more weight – she looks like a skeleton now. Which, by the way, is what you look like.’

‘I wish.’

‘Mum thinks you’re anorexic. Are you?’

‘Of course not. She’s just a drama queen. I’m absolutely fine.’

‘Do you think you look good?’

‘I’m a fat pig. My thighs are like tree trunks.’

‘Seriously, Ali, if you believe that, you really do have a problem.’

‘My only problem is my interfering mother.’

‘She’s just worried about you. Please, Ali, are you going to stop this now and start eating?’

‘Why does everyone have to go on about food all the time? I am eating. I just don’t want to be a big fat whale.’

‘Look in the frigging mirror, Ali! You’re a walking stick.’

‘Get out. I don’t want you in here,’ Ali snapped.

‘Fine, I’m going, but I really wish you’d stop this. Why can’t you just be normal again? I can’t talk to you any more. You’re like a different person. You’re always in a bad mood. I miss the old Ali.’

Sarah came out, upset. Seeing me hovering she said, ‘There’s nothing to hear, Mum. She’s lost the plot. She thinks she’s fat. She definitely needs help.’

I put my arm around her. ‘It’s OK, pet. Thanks for trying.’

‘She’s really bad, Mum.’ Sarah’s eyes welled up. I hugged her and tried my best not to join in. ‘She just won’t listen. I don’t know what to say to her – she’s like a stranger.’

‘I don’t want you worrying about it. Your dad and I will sort it out. Come back down and finish your dinner.’

Sarah shook her head. ‘I’m not hungry. I’m going to my room.’

I stared at the two doors behind which my daughters were hiding, both upset, both confused, both unhappy. It seemed like only yesterday when we’d all cuddle up under a duvet on the couch on rainy Sunday afternoons and watch Disney movies together. I’d make a big bowl of popcorn and we’d eat and chat and sing along. I loved those days. I treasured those days. I missed those days.

Paul came up behind me. ‘How is she?’

‘Not good. She’s in denial. She thinks she’s fat. This is really serious, Paul. I’m scared.’ I began to cry.

‘Hey there, don’t get yourself all upset. Let me try talking to her.’

He knocked on the door and walked into Ali’s room. ‘Hi, Ali. Listen, I’m sorry for shouting at you downstairs. I just got frustrated when you wouldn’t eat.’

‘It’s no big deal.’

‘Your mother is very worried about you. She’s outside crying and blaming herself. She thinks you’ve got an eating disorder.’

‘God, I wish she’d stop going on about it. She always has to make a huge deal out of everything. I just wanted to lose a few pounds and get fit.’

‘Then why couldn’t you eat your dinner tonight?’

‘Because you were all staring at me, watching everything I put into my mouth. It totally freaked me out.’

‘So you weren’t refusing to eat, you just felt under pressure?’

‘Exactly.’

‘From now on, will you promise to eat proper meals with us and not leave half of it?’

‘Yes, of course, no problem.’

‘And you’ll stop throwing your lunch out and hiding food under your bed?’

‘For God’s sake, I only did that once or twice because I didn’t like what Mum had made for me.’

I couldn’t believe how easily the lies were slipping off her tongue and how gullible Paul was being.

‘Well, from now on you have to eat whatever she gives you. You do need to put on some weight.’

‘OK, I will.’

‘I’m serious now, Ali. You must get some flesh on those bones.’

‘I said I would.’

‘Right, well, that’s sorted, then. Your mother will be relieved to hear it.’

Paul came out and closed the door behind him, looking pleased. ‘She said she’d eat properly from now on. Come downstairs and have a glass of wine. It’ll make you feel better. You’ve had a bad day.’

I was too shocked to speak. How could he be so naïve? Ali had been lying to us for months. We couldn’t take her word for anything. She needed proper help. I was taking her to the doctor first thing in the morning. I was furious with Paul for letting her away so lightly and with Ali for lying again. His inability to see what was happening made me feel even more alone – I was up against this illness with no back-up.

While Paul went down to pour the wine I marched into Ali’s room. She was sitting at her desk.

‘For God’s sake, it’s like a bloody revolving door,’ she grumbled. ‘Can I please get some peace? I have work to do.’

I stood beside her desk. ‘You may think you’re fooling your father, but you’re not fooling me, Ali. You have a serious problem and we’re going to see Dr Garner first thing in the morning. I’m not letting this go on for one more day. I’ve already let it go too far.’

‘I’m not going to see any doctor. I’m fine.’

‘This is not up for negotiation. I’m going to make you better and nothing is going to stand in my way. I’ve been negligent and blind and I’m sorry for that. I should have seen the signs earlier. Now, I want you to put those books away and get into bed. You’re exhausted.’

‘I have an essay to do.’

‘Not tonight. I’ll talk to your teacher. Tonight you’re to sleep. I want you fresh in the morning so we can work out the best way to get you well again.’

‘Stop fussing.’

‘Ali,’ I said, putting my hands on her shoulders and forcing her to look at me, ‘I love you and all I want is for you to be happy and healthy and I’m going to do everything I can to make that happen. We’ll have you back to yourself in no time. Trust me, pet, I’m going to help you get better. Now, get some rest.’

She reluctantly turned off her desk lamp and put her books into her bag. ‘Can you go now? I have to get changed and I could do without an audience.’

‘Fine, but I’ll be back up to check on you in ten minutes and you’d better be in bed resting or sleeping.’

She turned her back on me. ‘Just close the door, will you?’

When I got downstairs Paul was on his way out to work. ‘Where are you going? I need to talk to you about Ali.’

He looked at me, surprised. ‘But I just spoke to her and she promised to stop all this mad dieting and eat.’

‘Jesus, Paul, how can you be so naïve?’

He sighed. ‘Don’t you think you’re overreacting a little? I know she’s been hiding some of her food, but she told me she’s going to stop all that and start eating now.’

‘Will you get your bloody head out of the sand? She has an eating disorder, all the symptoms are there. Come in here and look at the websites she’s been on.’ I dragged him into the lounge and logged on to the pro-anorexia websites I had found on Ali’s computer. ‘Does this seem normal to you?’

He flinched when he saw some of the pictures of the girls being promoted as beautiful – they were emaciated skeletons.

‘You see, this is really serious. She’s not going to wake up tomorrow and be cured.’

‘All I’m saying is, let’s not jump to any conclusions. Let’s see how the next few days go,’ he said.

‘Fine. Well, then, why don’t you have breakfast with her tomorrow and see how much she eats?’

‘OK, I will. I have to go now.’ With that, he walked out of the door and went to work.

I spent most of the night on the computer looking up those evil pro-anorexia sites and then the best ways to cure the eating disorder. I learnt that anorexia is curable in 80 per cent of cases that are detected early and treated effectively. I tried to remember when I had first noticed Ali cutting down on her food. It was a couple of weeks after David had broken up with her, so two and a half months ago at the most. They all said that professional help was essential because it was a complex illness that affected a person’s physical and emotional sides.

I read that people with anorexia were often perfectionists and overachievers, the ‘good’ child in the family who tries to please everyone. It was as if they were describing Ali.

A lot of the websites gave different advice, but they agreed that it was vital to get proper medical help and to get to the bottom of the psychological issues underlying the illness. They advised a patient and gentle approach and said it was important never to make negative comments about your own body.

As I lay in bed, I went over the last few months in my head. How had I missed the signs? They seemed obvious now. But how had things spiralled out of control so quickly? I kept seeing the vision of Ali in her underwear. It was heartbreaking. What mother would let her daughter get so thin without noticing? Was I so wrapped up in my own life? Was I selfish or just plain stupid? I tossed and turned, berating myself, until daylight finally broke.

21

When I walked into the kitchen the next morning, I found Paul and Ali sitting in silence. Ali had an untouched bowl of cereal in front of her.

Paul shook his head. Maybe now he’d realize how serious things were.

‘Can you drive Sarah to school? I’m taking Ali to see Dr Garner,’ I said.

‘Sure. Is she up?’

‘Yes, she’s nearly ready.’

He looked relieved to be leaving the kitchen and Ali.

‘Ali,’ I said, ‘I’ve rung the school and they know you’re not coming in.’

‘I don’t want to go to the doctor. I’m not sick.’

I looked her in the eye. ‘Ali, get your coat.’

Half an hour later we were in Dr Garner’s surgery. She’d been our family doctor since the girls were toddlers. She was about fifty, tall, slim, and wore her hair up in a chignon. She was always impeccably dressed in a black, navy or grey suit. She had a kind but efficient bedside manner and, most importantly, I trusted her.

‘Hello, Ava, hi, Alison. I haven’t seen you in a while,’ she said, shaking our hands.

‘Hello, Judith, nice to see you again,’ I said, sitting down.

‘What can I do for you?’

‘It’s Alison. She’s lost a lot of weight lately and she’s refusing to eat. I’ve just found out that she’s been hiding food under her bed, throwing out her school lunch every day and exercising obsessively. I’m really worried about her.’ I tried to control the tremor in my voice.

Dr Garner gave my arm a reassuring pat. Then she looked at Ali. ‘You do look very thin, Alison. Have you been trying to lose weight?’

‘I’m just trying to be healthy. Everyone’s making a fuss about nothing.’

‘Do you think you’ve lost any weight recently?’

‘Maybe a tiny bit, but not much. Nothing to make a big deal about.’

‘How’s everything at school? Is anything happening that’s upsetting you? Are any of your classmates making you feel uncomfortable about the way you look?’

‘Nothing’s going on in school. Everything is fine.’

‘Well, there was an incident in school,’ I said. ‘Alison broke up with her boyfriend a few months ago and he’s now going out with another girl in her class who’s very thin. It’s been very difficult for her.’

‘For God’s sake, Mum, would you stop going on about David? It happened months ago, and I’m totally over it.’

‘It must have been hard for you, though,’ Dr Garner said gently.

Ali shrugged her thin shoulders. ‘At the time it was, but it was ages ago.’

‘Do you think his new girlfriend has a nice figure?’ Dr Garner asked.

‘Yeah, she does – she’s a part-time model so she has to be thin.’

‘Is that why you’re throwing out your school lunches? Because you want to look like this model?’

‘No, that’s not it at all. I just threw a few of the lunches out because I didn’t like what Mum put in on those days. I’m seventeen, for God’s sake. I don’t need my mother to make my lunch. It’s embarrassing.’

‘She was exhausted all the time and losing weight, so I was trying to get her to eat something more substantial,’ I explained.

‘That seems reasonable to me,’ said the doctor. ‘Alison, are you worried about your exams? You’re in final year, aren’t you?’

‘I suppose I am a bit stressed about doing well, but nothing major.’ She shivered and huddled even further under her coat.

‘Are you cold all the time?’

‘Yes – she’s constantly freezing and wears layers of clothes even when the house is like a furnace.’ I was determined that Dr Garner was going to have all the facts so she could make a proper diagnosis.

‘Have your periods stopped?’

Ali’s head snapped up. ‘How did you know?’