Past Heaven (24 page)

At six o’clock California time, I got ready to Skype with Liz over our latest changes. I didn’t need a drink today. My nerves were better. The chat we had on Monday went well. We were both relaxed and acted like our old selves. “Acted” being the operative word for me. God, I had wanted to reach through the screen and hold her hand. I had wanted to touch her hair and smell her skin. She looked alluring and sexy. She was always sexy.

When she came on the screen tonight, my heart sank. Something was wrong. Was it the news story with Kylie? Her hair was pulled back in a bun, and she had black smudges around her puffy, bloodshot eyes. She looked down, holding a Kleenex to her nose.

My heart raced. I cracked my knuckles and then grabbed the computer screen as if it would get me closer to her. “Jesus, Liz. What is it? Are you okay? Please tell me the boys aren’t hurt.” I leaned forward in my chair as if somehow I could hold her through the monitor.

Liz had an unnatural stillness. Her stare was unfocused and she spoke in a flat tone. “The boys are fine, Reynolds. Well, as fine as they can be today. It’s just a really tough day for us, you know?”

My pulse slowed a little with the knowledge that no one was harmed. I released the computer screen and sat back in my chair. So, what the hell was she talking about? “Liz, did you see the news story? It isn’t true about Kylie. I promise.”

Liz laughed a hard laugh, and I saw for the first time, pure anger in her eyes. “No, Reynolds. This isn’t about you and Kylie. I wish you both nothing but the
best
.” Her voice took on an edge as she emphasized “best”—a euphemism for anything but best. “Today is November eighteenth.” Her words hung in the air. “The one year anniversary of Jack’s murder. It’s been a hellish day for my family.” As she said that, I was painfully aware that this day didn’t include me. I wasn’t there to help them through any part of the day.

There was a grim twist to her mouth. “I can’t work tonight. I should’ve told you before, but I thought I could do it. I hope you understand.” Liz’s eyes were dark and flat. My heart plummeted to the bottom of my stomach.

“Liz, wait, I’m so sorry!” I yelled, seconds too late. She was disconnected and gone.

I scraped my hands through my hair. “FUCK!
Motherfucking
hell!” I screamed as loud as I could. I banged my fist on the table and slammed the laptop closed.

I was such an asshole.

THE BANGING ON the door became louder and more aggressive.

I nestled under the covers and buried my head under the pillows, blocking Cindy and everything else out. Today of all days, I wanted nothing more than to stay in bed. I’d walked the kids to the bus stop, and cocooned myself in my bedroom—alone, trying to recover in peace.

“Go away,” I mumbled to myself. “Leave me alone.”

The banging continued more insistent, persistent, and determined. The phone calls, visits, flowers, and food deliveries yesterday were very thoughtful, but the constant reminders made the day overwhelming.

I exhaled and tightened the grip on my pillow. I was pissed at myself. I tossed the pillow on the floor and rolled over on my back, staring at the ceiling. The one person I had wanted to hear from, the one I thought would reach out, never did. Reynolds didn’t even remember.

I kicked the covers off me and sat up. I brought my knees to my chest and buried my face in them. For some reason, I’d had the insane idea that I would be okay to Skype with Reynolds yesterday. As if that would help.

I threw myself back on the mattress and rolled onto my side. I had thought that focusing on something positive, something wonderful about Jack would lessen the pain. I thought wrong. Jack had consumed my thoughts, and whenever Reynolds popped into my head, it was only with guilt and regret.

My heart was being put through a blender. Every time I would picture Jack, my mind then jumped to Reynolds, and then back to Jack. I’d been ripped apart as I was reminded of the love I had and the love I desperately wanted. The thoughts and feelings made me so dizzy I felt ill.

The knocking intensified. Someone obviously couldn’t take a hint. I dragged my body out of bed and inspected my black yoga pants and Jack’s worn Orioles T-shirt. Bras were optional when one was mourning. I’d read that somewhere, or I made it up. Regardless, it worked for me. Whoever was at the door was going to get an eyeful, and frankly, I didn’t give a shit.

I padded down the stairs, murmuring to myself about being left the hell alone.

Peering out the side window, I jumped to hide behind the front door. It was Reynolds.

“Elizabeth, open up.”

My heart stopped at the sound of his voice calling my name, but I didn’t want to see him right now. “Go away, Reynolds. Today is not a good day.”

He was silent for a minute. “Please, Liz.”

I placed my hand over the door knob and paused. As much as he let me down not remembering yesterday, he hadn’t done anything wrong. I expected something from him that I never communicated. The one thing we had both agreed on was that we were friends. I couldn't punish him for my own ridiculous expectations. I would suck it up and open the door for my friend.

I’d seen him every day for weeks, but the moment I opened the door, I took an immediate step back as emotion barreled through me. Our eyes met, and for a moment, Reynolds’ expression of anguish mirrored mine. He pulled me into his arms, and my knees buckled as the tears I’d held back unleashed in torrents. It was an ugly cry. One formed from disappointment, resentment, and fury. I was devastated at the complete unfairness of this situation. My Jack, my love and best friend, was gone. Then, Reynolds came into my life. I cared about him, but I couldn’t have him.

Reynolds held me as close as was humanly possible. “Please. Let me hold you.” His breath caressed the side of my face, and his words were like a healing salve my body craved. “Please, please let me hold you.”

My arms reached around his waist in the only way I could accept. His grip on me tightened, and he picked me up in one quick move, cradling me like a baby. With my head resting on his shoulder, he kissed my tear-soaked face and walked us up the stairs. For the first time in as long as I could remember, I felt completely safe and protected.

He laid me in bed, and his eyes traveled along my body. Then he kicked off his shoes and climbed in behind me. He held me as my cries turned into whimpers and finally to sleep. In his arms, I found rest and something more, something unexpected, something I missed. Something I needed.

When I awoke, Reynolds was staring down at me and stroking my cheek with his fingertips. I had no idea how long I had been asleep. I looked into his eyes, and his expression was reverent. In that moment, he made me feel cherished. He was taking care of me and it felt so right.

“Hey,” he whispered as he leaned down to kiss my forehead. “I’m glad you slept. I hope it’s okay, but I dozed off for a while, too. The red-eye’s tough.”

In my grief, I’d let my guard down. Now I lay with this man in my bed, in Jack’s bed. No, I wasn’t going to do this. I couldn’t. “Why are you here?” I moved out of his grasp and sat up in bed. I hugged my knees and watched his every move.

Reynolds sat up and scooted close to me, drawing lazy circles along my leg, unable to look at me. “I fucked up yesterday. I knew the one year anniversary was coming, but I got caught up in some stupid business shit.” He lifted his eyes to mine. “When I saw the pain on your face yesterday, I knew. I needed to come here and tell you how sorry I am. I needed to see you, really see you.”

I looked out the window and watched the gold and brown leaves fall off our trees. I used to love fall. It was my favorite season. Now the falling leaves reminded me of nothing but the finality of life. “You could have told me that on the phone. You didn’t need to fly here you know.”

Reynolds sat up and moved in front of me. “Look at me. Yes, I did need to be here. I need to say this to you.” I turned my face to him and our eyes locked in a magnetic pull. I couldn’t have looked away if I tried.

He skimmed his fingertips along my jaw, his voice low and husky. “I’m falling in love with you.”

Tears brimmed in the corners of my eyes, and my heart clamored in my chest. He
loved
me?

“I also know you’re not ready. I get it.”

I closed my eyes for a moment. I wanted to stop him. To deny it. To say, the hell with it, let’s give it a go. But I couldn’t. He was right. I wasn’t able to accept his love right now.

“I can’t go back to L.A. I need to be here with you.” He intertwined our fingers. “Let me be your friend. Let me just be near you, touch you, hold your hand. I won’t try and kiss you again.” He stared into my eyes, not breaking contact, and my body quaked. So much of me wanted him to kiss me again, even if I knew it wasn’t the right time. “Not until you’re ready, if you ever are. But I’m not leaving again.”

I looked up at him carefully. A tic pulsed in his jaw, and his eyes blazed with intensity. He would not back down. Hell, I didn’t want him to leave. I loved being near him. The ache in my heart was less whenever he was near.

My mouth opened, but the words wouldn’t come out. My breath stuttered as I swallowed and mustered the courage to tell him how I felt. “I don’t want you to go. I missed you, too.” I wiped away the tears that had escaped, and Reynolds’ postured sagged with relief. “But I can’t offer you more than friendship. I wish I could, but I can’t. My heart can’t take it. If you can be my friend, and just my friend, then I’d like for you to stay.” My voice was choked with emotion, and I grabbed his hands and placed them on my heart. “The darkness starts to fade when you’re here. The hurt in my chest has been so strong, it made noise. It was like I couldn’t hear through the roar of the pain. Just sitting here with you, like this…the ache is less, and it’s quiet.”

“God, Liz.” He swallowed as if holding back emotion. “I’m so damn sorry I wasn’t here with you yesterday. I should’ve been here.” Reynolds wrapped me in a hug.

I nodded and let myself be held. Reynolds was tall and strong, and I was like a child in his arms. For a week, I had been so consumed with worry for the boys that this was the first time I had let someone take care of me.

“Don’t let go, okay? Just for a while, don’t let go,” I mumbled into Reynolds’ chest, and his body shuddered.

“I never want to let go.” He whispered into my hair.

I closed my eyes, letting the warmth of Reynolds’ love begin to heal me.

GROCERY SHOPPING THE day before Thanksgiving? I’d never experienced it before, but I offered to drive Liz and help with her list.

Glancing over at her in the car, I smiled. I was back in Baltimore. I was home.

I eyed her hand, resting on her thigh. Her palm turned over in permission. I slipped my hand into hers and a light blush touched her cheek. Telling Liz I was in love with her was liberating. Even though she wasn’t at the same place, knowing she knew how I felt was enough. I wouldn’t push her, but hell if I wouldn’t touch. We were friends. That’s what she called us. I preferred to think of us more like friends with friendly benefits. I squeezed her hand and gave her a sideways glance. Liz looked out the window, but I couldn’t help but notice her biting her lip. Yup, she was fighting the same smile I had on my face.