Past Heaven (23 page)

“But don’t you think it’s wrong? I feel guilty as shit just thinking about kissing Reynolds. People will think I’m a heartless bitch if I date again.”

Cindy set her bagel down and straightened in her chair. She clasped her hands in front of her and narrowed her eyes. “Liz Atwater, anyone who judges you can deal with me. Envy, my friend. It turns otherwise nice women into cold-hearted bitches, but you can’t let that stop you.”

She said that so easily, but I had more than the wrath of the jealous soccer mom to worry about. What if someone said something to the boys? I held my head in my hands and closed my eyes again. “I don’t know. I’m torn up inside.”

“Well, I have to tell you another thing. I’ve noticed some changes in you since Reynolds came into town.” My eyes popped open and focused on Cindy’s raised eyebrows.

“What are you talking about? What changes? I’m the same person I’ve always been.”

“You’ve lost weight, quite a bit since Jack died. I get it. You don’t have an appetite, and you run like a damn loon all the time. But since Mr. Hollywood came into town, I haven’t seen you with your glasses on once, contacts only. Your hair is styled all the time. Your makeup is much more polished than normal. You also walk around the house in your “going out” outfits. Come on, this is me you are talking to. You used to live in yoga pants and T-shirts. At some level, you must recognize you’re trying to impress the guy, right?”

I sighed and put my head back on the table. “I don’t think I was consciously doing that. I just knew that a famous, overwhelmingly hot man was in my kitchen every day, and I didn’t want to embarrass myself. I…I wasn’t trying to seduce him.”

Was I?

“No, I don’t think you were after him, honey.” Cindy’s voice became softer. “I just think you might be trying harder than you think for a reason. That reason might be sex.” She reached over and grabbed my hand. “And if so, that’s okay. It’s normal. Listen, my ninety-four year old grandmother would want to have sex with Reynolds Carter. There’s no judgment here—just unbelievable amounts of jealousy.” She waggled her eyebrows, and I laughed. “And for the record, I think you should reconsider his delicious offer.” Cindy licked her lips, and I suppressed a groan.

“Or maybe the reason isn't just sex. Maybe it's your heart talking and that’s okay, too.” Cindy took another bite of her bagel, eyeing it like it was Reynolds’ face. “Mmm, oh my god, this is so good.” Cindy swallowed noisily. “Oh, and that’s just the outside, love.” My furrowed brows caused Cindy to roll her eyes. “You’ve changed on the inside, too, and it’s all fabulous. I’ve seen you stronger and more confident in the last weeks than I have in almost a year. You know what else?”

I shook my head, unable to form words. I was shocked that my best friend had noticed these changes in me and attributed them to Reynolds. Was she right? Maybe he was good for me in ways I had never thought about?

“You’re funny again. You have the best sense of humor, and it died the day Jack did. I’ve heard you laugh and bring laughter to others more around Reynolds than since I can remember. It’s like the old you is back in some ways.”

Cindy looked at the clock and jumped up. “Dang, I’ve got to pick up kid number three from preschool.”

I couldn’t gather the energy to walk her to the door. In her easy, crass, dedicated way, she had made me come to terms with my guilt, longing, and personal transformations in the time it had taken her to down two cups of coffee and a sesame bagel with extra cream cheese. Christ, she handled me well.

She turned back with one final comment. “You know all about life surprising you with the stuff nightmares are made of, but sometimes, life surprises you in the best possible way.”

Reynolds had waited over a week to email me the revised screenplay. Just seeing his name in my inbox made me feel giddy and overheated. I had read it and had made notes within a day. I felt connected to him again working on the project. Even hitting the send button made my heart race.

I was a hot mess.

We had agreed to Skype at night, after the boys were in bed, so we could talk through some of the tougher scenes.

The next evening, my hands shook as I turned on my laptop and sipped a tall glass of white wine to help with my nerves. This would be the first time I’d seen him in over a week. My breath caught when his face came on the screen. I was relieved I had taken a few moments to brush my hair and redo my makeup. He looked breathtakingly handsome.

“Hey, Liz, how are you?” Reynolds appeared relaxed and confident from his home across the country.

“Okay, a little tired. How are you?” I sipped my wine, and he laughed.

“Great minds.” He held up his glass of whiskey, and we did a virtual toast. He hesitated before answering my question and our eyes locked. “I’m fine.” A shiver ran through my body, and we both glanced away.

Reynolds flipped through some pages. “Our project is coming along well. I got your notes and agree with all of them. I need your help with some characterization details for a few of the other parents. I think we need to develop them some more.”

We both sipped our drinks and worked on character and plot issues for the next hour. Besides the computer screen, it was as comfortable as when we were working at my kitchen table. As our meeting ended, pain rocked through my chest at the thought of saying goodbye to him. I played with my fingers, biting my lip, and thinking of anything else work-related I could bring up.

“These are solid edits, Liz. I’ll work on the changes tomorrow, email you tomorrow night, and we can Skype on Wednesday at nine o’clock. ‘Kay?” Reynolds’ face was expressionless, and his voice was flat. He organized his papers and stood up. He was dressed to go out, and I was ready for bed. We truly lived in very different worlds.

“Sounds like a plan. You headed out? You look nice.” I kept my voice neutral, hiding the emptiness that filled me at the sight of him so far away.

“Yeah, dinner plans. This place makes a chicken parmesan that tastes like sawdust compared to yours. The food out here is horrible now that I have tasted actual home cooking. You’ve ruined me.” We laughed, and I blinked back my tears so he wouldn’t see them.

“Have fun, Reynolds. Good night.” I shut my computer and headed to bed. Alone and missing two men in my life. One had been stolen from me, and the other, I had run out of town so he wouldn’t break my heart, too.

When would my life get easy again?

It wouldn’t.

The next evening, I checked my email and bit back a smile seeing his name in my inbox. I pulled up the latest version of the screenplay and reached out, touching the screen. Yanking my hand back, I blew out a breath. I was acting like a teenager.

Thinking about our conversation tomorrow made me nervous. The day would be long and draining. I was stupid to plan on working on the anniversary of Jack’s death. More than anything, I wanted to show myself that I had made progress through this process. I wanted to act as strong as Cindy seemed to think I was. And if I worked tomorrow, I could at least see Reynolds. Talking to him might bring a sliver of light into what would remain a dark day for the rest of my life.

Turning the TV on in the office, I printed out the latest version of the screenplay and pulled out my red pen and highlighter. Entertainment news was on and the lead story was Reynolds. I jolted my head up and saw pictures of Reynolds and Kylie leaving a trendy Santa Monica Italian restaurant. He had his arm around her shoulders, and she was laughing. My stomach knotted. The broadcasters announced that the on again, off again couple were back together at their favorite restaurant and fans were rejoicing. Plans were in the works to star in a new movie together, and it would surely be a blockbuster. I gasped, feeling like I had just been sucker punched in the gut.

I turned off the TV and sat at my desk. A sad smile formed as I thought about Reynolds. I hoped he found happiness with that woman. At least this meant one thing, I wasn’t stupid at all. I closed my eyes and rested my head in my hands. I did do the right thing for my family.

So…why did it hurt so badly?

“LOOK, PAUL.” I clenched my cell phone tightly in my hand and walked out by the pool. “I don’t know what else you want from me. I went to the damn dinner with her and put up with her bullshit for about as long as I could without getting indigestion.”

“Being asked to read for roles this big, specifically by the author of the books, is a huge honor. I heard you when you said you wouldn’t work with Kylie, but you needed to look like you at least considered the role. Otherwise, they’ll just think you’re an arrogant prick.” Paul laughed into the phone and I pulled it away from my ear.

“So I suffered through an awkward dinner for PR sake. You couldn’t have found some place the paparazzi didn’t know about?” I rubbed at my temples, picturing the publicity debacle. I had tried to be a gentleman and had put my arm around her as we ducked through the crowds and lights. She had laughed at some imaginary comment I had never made, and just like that, every news outlet was discussing our non-existent relationship.

“Reynolds, remember this. You’re a professional and an actor. Play it off. I don’t give a shit if you’re fucking her or not. The public wants what the public wants. The two of you went viral. America’s “it-couple” is back together.”

“Well, what about what I want?”

“Let me remind you that what you want is to keep your name and face at the front of everyone’s mind.” He paused and added with a sneer. “This will help those little feel good projects you want to do.”

Feel good projects. I missed Liz and the boys more than I thought I would. I couldn’t believe that in such a short time, they had become so important to me.

Damn. I hoped Liz hadn’t seen any of the PR bullshit footage. I rubbed my face with one hand while Paul yammered in my ear. Then reality hit. She probably didn’t give a shit, anyway.