Nate (A Texas Jacks Novel) (38 page)

Nate: Hey, Charlie. Just checking in. Hit me up, when you get this message.

I chuck the offending piece of metal onto the bed, and flop back into the mattress, not wanting to get up or on with my day. I know I need to get out of the house for awhile, and away from the prying housemates. They’re sure to come my way before the day is out.

The best medicine for all that’s ailing me is the track, I decide, while rolling off the edge of the bed. It’s time to put everything behind me and just give into the one thing I have left that keeps me solid, racing and head to the track.

I see Nate’s number pull up on my phone, but I can’t find it in me to answer it. I’m not ready for whatever he’s going to dish out. I thought I knew him. I thought we had something really great going, and I thought giving him space was the right move. Boy was I the village idiot in this play. I should have known he would never succumb to a deeper relationship. I thought we were making leeway, until the night he shared about his mother—when it started really going downhill. I could’ve lived with his conditions, for the most part, but to watch him have a tender moment with some woman I’ve never seen before? I felt as though he suckered punched me.

I bet he was calling to apologize and explain away who she was, but I’m tired of being jerked around with his wishy-washy ways. I never thought I would feel that way. After all, he’s mostly been a perfect gentleman. Now, he can’t make up his mind, and yet he’s distant, too. I feel like I’m on a rollercoaster and I can’t get off of the ride. So today, I choose to put a stop to it, and take back what I was giving away. Either he sits down so we can sort out his issues so we can get back to the us we were becoming, or we call it quits. I’m in love with Nate, and my heart can’t take anymore up and downs with his wavering ways.

I turn my phone off, so I don’t have to feel guilty because I know I will miss more calls from him today, and decide to go the salon. I could use a hair trim, and my nails painted. It’s an indulgence, but I really need to do something for myself and for once, I’m focusing on me. I need to find some joy in my day and I deserve a splurge day after all I’ve been through with my emotions, feeling like a rag rung out to dry.

Feeling good a few hours later, I take myself out to lunch and then a movie. I haven’t had alone time like this in a really long time, and boy does it feel good. I got too wrapped up in one guy, it was nice, but I forgot to take care of myself in the process. I’m over being the fuddy-duddy but I’m not reverting back to my shell again. That part of my life is through. If there are a few things Nate taught me, it was to live and to love. I can’t predict what will happen with our relationship, but I know that he needs a time-out, and I need to make myself happy. That’s exactly what I’m doing.

I hope in a few days’ time, I can talk to Nathan and figure out what’s going on between us. I can’t be on a string anymore, like I have been more recently.

I check my phone and see I’ve missed a couple of more calls from Nate, which I decide not to return right now, and walk into the movie theater fully prepared to laugh like crazy at some silly comedy. I think this is the best medicine to cure my needs for the time being. It won’t take care of everything in the long run, but it sure feels good to live and do things without relying on Nate, or my friends. I have to wonder why I never tried this sooner.

I can’t get away from my own thoughts today, so I decided to do laps out at the race track. It’s the only way I could think of to get my mind free from the jail it’s been in for the last few weeks. Not just the events from the other night. Trying is the keyword as my mind is plagued with all thoughts of Charlie. I’m still mad about Dave. I can’t believe he had the nerve to imply that he’s waiting in the background to catch Charlie when I break her. I’m not a violent man, but I really would have liked to have knocked him a good one, when he had his hands on her, or when he spouted his mouth off.

Hurting Charlie is the last thing I wanted to do. Not only am I hurting her, but I’m hurting myself, and everyone else in the process. I’m not proud of these facts, either. I have these strong feelings for Charlie, after the time and memories we shared, and they scare me. I want to be the man she needs. I’m afraid I’ll fail her, or of losing her—which it appears to be happening, whether I want it or not. I’ve been a mess over this very subject, going back and forth on what I should do. Do I let go, and let it happen? Or do I hold close to my rules of never going the full distance.

I tried calling Charlie today, just to check in. I want to know if she’s okay, and explain to her what she saw with Heather. She never answers her phone, though and I didn’t bother to leave a message, either. There’s no point in trying to explain something this big over the phone, to someone who obviously rather not take my calls. I feel like she’s hit me in the gut.

Charlie ties me up in knots, and keeps me on a ledge. I’m trying to teeter between her and my feelings, not wanting to let go, or let her be the one who falls and gets hurt. I’m screwed up, I know. I fight my feelings, and yet I give off the vibe that I’m all in, with the exception of personal family information.

Charlie was never supposed to be long term. It was all supposed to be fun, sweet, and romantic with the eventuality of letting go, and moving on. I knew the moment I saw her that my life was about to turn upside down, and hang me out to dry. Charlie is not one to be strung along, or just for fun kind of woman. She’s meant to be the last woman you date. The last woman you give your heart to. The last woman you ever say ‘I love you’ to. She’s supposed to be there for all of your trials and triumphs. She’s supposed to be the kind of lady who gives you sweet smiles for no reason, holds your hand on your worst day, and gives you a new reason to let the light shine on you when she brings a child into the world.

Distractions!
That’s what Charlie is doing to me, causing one big distraction. I can’t focus properly, and that’s dangerous. It’s in these moments that I miss her, and I’m mad that she invades my solitude.

I can’t figure out what’s wrong with me lately. I’m mad at myself, at Charlie, and yet I can’t let go of anything. I want peace and solitude. I want to go back to my old ways, but at the same time I never want to go back to those places again. I really just want Charlie. I feel like I’m losing my mind with all of this back and forth madness. Will it ever stop?

Knowing nothing good will come from staying on the bike while Charlie controls my every thought, I realize it’s time to call it quits and head home. I just finished latching the tailgate, when I see Shelley. She’s hanging onto another guy. Thankfully it’s not me, though I have to shake my head at her. I hope he knows what he’s doing. I’m definitely not going to get into that mess. I’m in a big enough of one on my own. I give a chin nod to the guy then swing up into my truck and take off.

I’m a glutton for punishment, because I get the brilliant idea to stop by Charlie’s place before calling it a night. I don’t see her car in the lot, so I leave, not bothering to call her this time. If she wants space, I can understand that.

My phone rings the minute I step foot into the house. My heart races, thinking its Charlie, I answer without looking at caller ID.

“Hello?”

“Hey, big brother.”

“Carianna,” I say with less enthusiasm once I know it’s my sister.

“I wouldn’t want you jumping for joy over my call,” she teases.

“Sorry, I thought you were Charlie.”

“Oh? What’s wrong? You sound like your down on your luck. Having woman troubles?” she inquires, but I can hear concern in her voice.

“I don’t want to talk about it.” I mutter.

“If you decide you do want to talk about it, I could lend my best listening ear.”

“I know. Thanks. But like I said, I don’t want to talk about it.” I add with a little more force than I mean to.

“Look, I’m just going to go out on a limb and say it. I think you’re mad about something, and I have a feeling it’s from the night you got hammered.”

“You’re right. I’m really ticked off. And now that you've mentioned it, I can’t believe I didn’t think to aim my ire at you while I’ve been kicking myself, and I’ve been mad at Charlie and Dave.”

“What’s Dave got to do with this?”

“He’s trying to steal my girl!”

“What? So you’re not broken up with Charlie?”

“
What?
Of course not
. Who have you been talking to?”

“No one. I guess the vibe I’m getting from you, came off wrong.”

I don’t believe her for a minute. “Seriously, Carianna. Why do you think I’ve broken up with Charlie?”

“Oh, come on, Nate. It’s not like you bring anyone home. You certainly never share about our mom, and her passing with anyone. I’m sure you pulled away from Charlie, as you certainly gave me the cold shoulder since the night she came over. What gives?”

“Are you trying to pick a fight?”

“No, but I’ve been waiting for you to talk to me about that night, and yet—you haven’t. Don’t tell me you aren’t mad that I asked her to come over.”

“Okay, fine. Yes, I was really upset that you would go behind my back and ask her to come over. I never wanted her to see me that way. Why do you think the guys didn’t call her? She didn’t deserve to see that. To top it all off, I feel like a jerk because I didn’t remember telling her about mom the next morning. You weren’t there, and it wasn’t you who saw that face of dejection. I did, though. I saw how hurt she was by my actions which were exactly why I didn’t want her over here in the first place!”

“Look, I was doing you a favor. When are you finally going to grieve the loss of our mother, and let go? I would say you’re definitely in the middle of the process, with how mad you are at everyone. Don’t think I don’t know you, Nathan. It’s time to let the past go.”

“Did I ask you to butt in? I can handle myself, Carianna. I don’t need you to mother me. I haven’t had one in a very long time and I think I turned out just fine.”

“If you don’t think anything is wrong with how you handle your relationships, or your family relationships, then you need a wakeup call. You might have had to pull me out of my own messes, and stepped in for dad, but you never did handle your own grief properly. Do you think Heather wanted you to let her go? She would have done anything to hold on to you. You don’t remember much during that time, but I do. I remember how much Heather had to grieve you, as she did our mother. She loved her just as much as the rest of us. She loved you, to see you through to a good place in your life. Instead, you cut her loose. Now, you have Charlie. Why are you throwing something special away?”