My Favorite Fangs: The Story of the Von Trapp Family Vampires (7 page)

The von Trapp formerly known as Marta said, “But I don’t want to be…”

Interrupting the newly christened Farta, Maria tapped the girl at the end of the line—the littlest von Trapp—on the forehead and said, “You. What’s your story?”

The little girl shook her head.

“Cat got your tongue?” The little girl hawked on the floor; her sputum got some good distance, and landed right next to the glop of Maria’s ear blood. “That’s some wonderful aiming! My, you’re practically a lady!”

Liesl said, “She’s practically a twat.”

Maria surveyed the children and thought,
I could kill each of them and be in Romania before anybody notices
 …
except Mother Zombie. She would most certainly notice
. Not wanting to hurt her chances of being invited back into the Abbey, she sighed and said, “Okay, children, I have two secrets to tell you: First, before I came to this house, I was living in a house filled with undead women…”

In unison, the children roared,
“Stierscheisse!”

“… and second, I’ve never been a Governess before.”

Each child’s face broke into a predatory grin. “Is that right?” Louisa asked.

“That’s right.”

Kurt said, “We can offer you some suggestions.”

“I need all the advice I can get, children.”

Louisa said, “If you want to earn points with my Father, I’d recommend hiding all of his gin.”

“Sound thinking, blondie,” Maria said.

Brigitta said, “I find that excreting on the seat of the toilet bowl in the ballroom’s bathroom is a wonderful way to brighten up the house.”

“I’ll be staying out of the ballroom for a while, but consider it done!” Maria said.

Friedrich said, “It’s crucial that the Governess tuck me in at night. A good, long tuck.”

Maria ran the tip of her tongue across her lips. “It will be my pleasure.”

Kurt piped up, “And during dessert, always chew your food, then spit it back onto your plate!”

Gretl said, “Don’t believe a word they say, Fraulein Maria.”

“Wonderful,” Liesl groaned, “the goody-goody twat has spoken.”

A woman clad in a light blue short-sleeved dress and a white apron goosestepped into the room, clapping her hands sharply. “Alright, Bradys, er, von Trapps, outside,” she roared. “Now! Hurry up! Move, move, move, move, move!”

While the children trudged toward the back of the house—cursing the entire way, naturally—the female Alfred said, “I’m Frau Alice. I singlehandedly run this dump.”

Maria said, “I apologize in advance for the state of the ballroom. But it wasn’t entirely my fault.”

“What’s this about the ballroom, now?” Frau Alice asked.

“Nothing. It’s wonderful to meet you, Frau. Everybody here at the von Trapp mansion has been simply
lovely
to me.”

Frau gave Maria a skeptical look. “Really? Do you even know what the word ‘lovely’ means?” Before Maria could answer, Frau said, “Let me show you to your room,” then collected the Vampire’s suitcase and saxophone.

As the housekeeper headed up the stairs, Maria felt a piercing sting in her backside. She put her hand on her rump, and came across a dart. After removing the pointy thing, Maria looked across the living room; the seven children were staring icily back at her … and Liesl held a blow-gun in her left hand. They all remained motionless, except for Friedrich, who stuck out his tongue at Maria, mouthed the word, “Sorry,” then cupped his testicles through his pants with his left hand, made a pretend telephone with his right, and mouthed, “Call me.”

As they headed upstairs, Frau Alice said, “You’re very lucky. They lit the last Governess on fire. Now
that’s
a story. Of a girl named Brady.”

“A girl named who?”

“I can’t discuss it. You’ll have to talk to Sam the Butcher.”

“Is Sam the Butcher like Jack the Ripper? Because he was a friend. Quite a lovely man. As misunderstood as the day was long.”

Shaking her head, Alice repeated, “They lit the last Governess on fire.” She paused, then added, “Maybe it’ll happen again.”

Maria looked over her shoulder and gave the von Trapp brood a patently evil grin. Then, in a cold tone that made the housekeeper shiver, said, “Trust me, Frau, that won’t happen.
Ever
.”

Maria then revealed her fangs.

At that, Farta burst into tears.

The Captain, clutching a bottle of gin, sprinted into the room and belched, “What? Who? Who’s that? Is that the sound of a little girl crying? Must be Kurt.” And then he leaned to the left, leaned to the right, belched again, and fell face first onto the floor.

At that, Louisa burst into tears, after which each child, save for Liesl and Friedrich, followed suit.

Maria nodded. “That’s right, children. Cry.
Cry
! Feel my
wrath,
er, my
authority
!”

Liesl stepped toward her new Governess and said, “Fraulein, I’d like to speak to you in private, please. Would you do me the favor of joining me in the backyard?”

“It would be my pleasure.” Maria glared at the remaining von Trapp children, then snapped her fingers four times, after which the brats froze solid.

Nonplussed, Liesl stared icily at her unmoving brothers and sisters, then nodded. “As I suspected. Come.”

Gazing longingly at Liesl’s bosomy bosom, Maria told Frau Alice, “Catch you on the flipside,” then skipped over to the eldest von Trapp child.

Once they were outside, Liesl said, “I can tell what you are, Governess. I’ve read about your kind. You’re a Vampire, are you not?”

Maria said, “Indeed,” and then she opened her mouth and clicked her fangs together three times.

Liesl knelt down, held her hands together in supplication, and said, “I know what you can do, and I want to do that, and then some. So I beg you, please, please,
please
give me the bite of transformation. Please give me eternal life. My life here is boring and empty. Look around you. I live in a gilded cage, beauty all around, but absolutely no freedom. My siblings are horrible…”

“No
scheisse,
” Maria said.

“… and I want to be different from them. I want to be like you.” She repeated, “Please, please,
please
give me the bite of transformation,” after which she closed her eyes and bowed her head.

Having never been
asked
to suck somebody’s hemoglobin—she had always been the decision-maker in the blood-sucking arena—Maria was more than a little taken aback. Her initial inclination was to pick Liesl up by her hair, twirl her around several times, and throw her into the lake, but Mother Zombie would probably catch wind of that, and Maria knew that there was no way she would be invited back into the Abbey if she had a random murder on her hands.
But a transformation,
she thought,
is in my nature
.
A Vampire gets hungry, and can’t help but chew on the neck of a lovely young woman
.
I most certainly won’t be punished for that
.

Maria leaned over and cupped Liesl’s chin, then gently lifted her face until their eyes met. “Are you sure this is what you want, child?”

Liesl whispered, “Yes. I want to live in the night. I want to feed on the innocent. And I want one of those cat suits.”

“We’ll see about the cat suit. But as for the rest of it, well, lay down.”

Liesl flopped onto her back. “Like this, Fraulein?”

Maria lay down beside her. “Yes, my dear. Just like that.” And then she rolled onto her side, grabbed Liesl’s face, turned her neck sharply in the opposite direction, and sank her four front fangs into the girl’s sweet, sweet neck. As Maria sucked the luscious blood from Liesl’s jugular, the eldest von Trapp child’s body stiffened and paled. Maria began panting through her nose, and her nipples hardened. She released Liesl’s neck, screamed at the sky in ecstasy. She then bit her own wrist until a strong stream of blue blood oozed from the wound, then opened Liesl’s mouth and let the viscous liquid spurt onto the girl’s tongue. With each drop, Liesl became more animated; after two-or-so minutes of feasting, Liesl sat straight up, her face landing in between Maria’s breasts.

She buried her face in the Governess’s chest, took a deep inhale, then released a shuddery breath. “
Mein Gott,
Maria,” she moaned, “that was … that was … that was…”

Maria nodded. “I know, darling. I know
exactly
what that was.” Again, she took the child by the chin and kissed her on the mouth. Liesl’s new fangs clacked against Maria’s ancient ones, their tongues intertwined, and their saliva mixed into a tasty stew. Maria then grabbed Liesl’s hands and pinned her wrists over her head. After she ended the kiss, she asked, “Did you like that, Miss von Trapp?”

Liesl nodded eagerly.

“Do you want more?”

Another eager nod.

“Then more you shall have.”

For the next forty-nine minutes, more she did get.

When the two Vampires returned to the dining room, Maria unfroze the children. If anybody noticed Liesl’s newly acquired pale complexion, they kept their mouth shut about it.

Which Maria believed was best for everybody. At least for the time being.

INTERLUDE #1

D
RACULA PEERED AROUND
his living room, a disappointed look plastered on his pale mug. “I see three. There should be four. Where’s Big B.?”

The short, felt-faced man with the black cape gazed at his friends, and counted, “One, two, three! I count three people!” He paused, then added, “I love to count things.”

A handsome young man who bore a striking resemblance to the English thespian Robert Pattinson said, “We know, mate. You’ve mentioned that at every book club meeting we’ve had since 2002.” He then turned to Dracula and asked, “You didn’t hear?”

“Hear what?”

“The Blademeister’s being investigated for tax evasion.”

“If he didn’t buy so many damn pairs of sunglasses, he’d have enough money for Uncle Sam,” said a cartoony man with a brown cape.

“Look who’s talking,” Dracula said. “If you didn’t buy so many damn boxes of cereal, you’d be able to get your car fixed, and I wouldn’t have to cart you all over the damn city. This is the kind of crap that makes book club a chore. I have to buy all the munchies, then pick you up, then lead the discussion, then drive you home, then come back here and clean up everybody’s mess. And you guys don’t even read the damn books.”

Handsome Boy said, “Hey, I’ve read every single book, bloke.”

“I’ve read two,” said Felt Face. “One, two. Two books.”

Dracula asked, “Did any of you chumps read this one?”

Brown Cape picked up the paperback, scanned the title, and said, “Who are the von Trapp Family Vampires?”

“I guess that’s a no,” Dracula sighed.

“I read it,” Handsome Boy said.

“One,” Felt Face said. “I count one brown-noser.”

Holding up his hands, Dracula said, “Okay, for those of you who didn’t read the damn thing, here’s the deal.” Dracula gave his fellow Vampires a synopsis of the first two chapters of
My Favorite Fangs,
then said, “At that point, I was on the fence. This melding of Vampire mythos, Broadway musical cheese, and gross-out humor is
 …
I don’t know, it’s clever I guess, but I feel like the author could have come up with his own story.”

“Drac, those first two chapters are insanely original,” Handsome Boy said. “It’s not like he took some public domain novel then slapped in a bunch of paranormal entities and called it a day. He clearly thought it through. Zombie nuns? Cat suits and Coltrane? That stuff is bloody genius, if you ask me. In my mind, he’s giving that Bram Stoker a run for his money.”

Dracula bared his fangs and growled, “No dissing Stoker, haircut.”

Handsome Boy held up his hands and said, “No diss, no diss. Just saying that based on two chapters, this is a solid book.”

“It sounds like it has potential,” Brown Cape said, pulling a handful of brown cereal from his brown pocket. “Maybe I’ll actually give it a peek.”

Sighing, Dracula said, “Dude, you say that every week, and every week, nothing. Okay, screw it, I’ll just give you idiots the Cliff’s Notes version. So it’s the next evening, and Liesl’s a Vampire, and the Captain’s hungover…”

CHAPTER 3

T
HE SHARP KNOCK
at the front door roused the Captain from on the sofa. “
Alfred
,” he called, pulling himself up to standing, “
door! Now!
”

“Yes, sir.”

Snottily, Friedrich called from the back of the living room, “That’s right, Alfred! Get the door. Immediately!”

The butler said, “That’s enough from you, Master Friedrich. I can make one phone call and have the Joker, the Penguin, and King Tut on you like brown on schnitzel.”

Captain von Trapp grinned, said, “Ah, banter. Good one, Alfred,” and then plopped down onto his hindquarters.

“Quite,” Alfred said, then opened the door and sneered at the teenage boy on the stoop. “Ah. Rolfe. Good evening. Wonderful to see you. As always.” His voice dripped with disdain.

With his perfectly coiffed blond hair, his piercing blue eyes, and his strapping body, Rolfe was the Aryan ideal, a perfect candidate to join the Master Race. Alfred despised him. The Captain tolerated him. All the children found him to be a nuisance … except for Liesl, who wanted to do things to him.

“Good evening, Alfred. Wonderful to see you, too. As always.” When Rolfe spoke, he tended to jut out his chin and clench his teeth together, which made him sound like a German version of Jay Gatsby, so much so that one expected him to end every other sentence with “old boy.” He continued, “Everything is copacetic, yes?”

Alfred screwed up his face. “Copacetic?”

“Yes, copacetic, old boy.” (There it is! He said it! Told you so!)

“What’s supposed to be copacetic?”