My Favorite Fangs: The Story of the Von Trapp Family Vampires (28 page)

And Maria? Well, when Maria wasn’t blowing the Captain von Trapp’s, er, mind, she was blowing her tenor saxophone. And blowing. And blowing some more. In 1963, she had gained enough “confidence in me” to track down her old spiritual advisor, John Coltrane; the following year, the two of them took to the studio and recorded an album called
Coltrane and von Trapp Swing the Classics,
a collection of jazzed-up Austrian folk songs that sold exactly seventy-eight copies. Despite the unimpressive sales of that and the fifteen follow-up records—not to mention the 1974 passing of her beloved Georg from complications due to (surprise, surprise) cirrhosis—today, the former Governess is a happy, cat suit–wearing Vampire. Unless she’s really, really hungry—an event that only comes about once or twice a decade—she doesn’t want to murder you, or maim you, or torture you. She just wants to sit you down, cook you a tasty meal, play you a couple tunes on her tenor, and tell you a few war stories.

Why? Because Maria von Trapp loves you most of all.

READER’S GUIDE

Chapter 1

• If you were the lone male Zombie in an Abbey filled with female Zombies, would you take Viagara, Cialis, or Levitra? Can male Zombies get erectile dysfunction? Can male Zombies get erections? Oh, really? Is that right? Well how the hell do you know
that
? Are you some sort of Zombie fetishist or something? You’re nasty.

• According to both Maria and Mother Zombie, killing and/or eating children is a worthwhile endeavor. Taking that into consideration, would you rather hire a Vampire or a Zombie to be your babysitter?

• It’s clear that Maria must be punished for her transgressions, but it’s also clear that Maria enjoys being punished. How would you punish her? How do you like being punished? Because if you beg us just right, we’ll dish out punishment in the manner with which you desire. Oh yes, we will.

Chapter 2

• Who would make for a better afterlife bandleader: John Coltrane, Miles Davis, or Kenny G.? As of this writing, Kenny G. isn’t dead; that being the case, how would you kill him?

• How would you describe the stench of vomit that originated from the stomach of a horny female Vampire? How would you describe the stench of vomit that originated from the stomach of a mortal male alcoholic? How would you describe the stench of vomit that originated from the stomach of a non-gender-specific alcoholic Vampire?

• Why do composers from Broadway’s golden era have such atrocious grammar? Is it worth sacrificing syntax for pentameter?

• If your youngest child is a pretentious know-it-all snot, how would you get her to cease said snottiness? Is duct tape the best way to quiet a child?

• Throughout the chapter, Friedrich experiences several erections. Approximately how many erections do you experience when in the presence of an attractive Vampire?

Chapter 3

• Could Rolfe be viewed a metaphor for the Christian right? Are his tattoos stupid and lame? Does he have a stupid and lame trendoid haircut? Is he like that big fat poser friend of yours who claims that he was into Death Cab for Cutie before they blew up and everybody else in the world started liking then? You know, the guy who always says crap about random indie bands like, “Their first record on their own label that cost them six dollars to make was way better than the overproduced piece of tripe that the suits at the major label made them put out.” Do you like Death Cab? How about Bon Iver? Isn’t he kind of overrated? By the time this book goes into its tenth printing, will anybody even know who Bon Iver is? Shit, they probably won’t even know who he is when this book goes into its
second
printing. I mean, look at Ray LaMontagne, who Justin Vernon pretty much ripped off. Ray’s been around for a few years, and the best he can do is fill up a mid-sized club. A piece of advice to Justin: Make sure you sock some money away.

• Why are Friedrich’s bed sheets always stiff and crusty?

Chapter 4

• Would you have an affair with your best friend’s fiancée? Would you have an affair with your best friend’s fiancée if she were a Succubus? Would you have an affair with your best friend’s fiancée if she were a Vampire? Would you have an affair with your best friend’s fiancée if she were the daughter of a Succubus and a Vampire, and had six-and-a-half sets of boobs?

• According to a recent study at the Bauhaus University in Weimar, goosestepping is the world’s fifth most efficient form of cardio exercise. How would you incorporate it into your workout plan?

• Do you have confidence in you? If you don’t, what’s your problem? Get over it.

• If you were starting a basketball team, who would you choose to be your point guard, Maria or the Baroness? Do Vampires have good outside jumpers? Would you allow a Succubus in an NBA locker room?

Chapter 5

• If you wanted to destroy Austria, what kind of puppet show would you put on? Could a single Muppet take down an entire country? If yes, would it be Kermit, Fozzie, Scooter, or Beaker?

• If you were forced to sit through Kurt and Gretl’s endless rendition of
Dracula,
how would you pass the time? Would you pull out your iPhone and play a few rounds of Angry Birds? What’s your favorite Angry Bird? The author’s favorite is the black one that turns into a bomb, with the white one who lays eggs a close second. The little blue one that splits into three littler blue ones is pretty lame.

• Why is this chapter shorter than the rest? Shouldn’t the author have been more meticulous in organizing the book? And shouldn’t have chapter nine been better? For that matter, shouldn’t the author put away all that loose change he always dumps on the shelf by the front door? Seriously, what a disorganized slob.

Chapter 6

• In this day and age, why are there so few professional glockenspiel players? What’s the difference between a glockenspiel, a xylophone, and a vibraphone? Everybody refers to vibraphones as vibes, and the author likes vibes, but the author especially likes good vibes, and his favorite way to get good vibes is via a certain green leafy plant that shall remain nameless, which begs the question, where can the author get some bomb-ass chronic?

• If the D-minor Dorian scale is the saddest of all scales, what’s the happiest? Can scales have emotions? Why do fish have scales? Do fish have emotions? Do fish have emoticons? What’s your favorite emoticon? The author is partial to :-$

• How do you spell
flibbertijibbet
?

Chapter 7

• This chapter doesn’t merit any discussion questions. Please discuss.

Chapter 8

• Would you pledge your life to Zombie Law? What’s your definition of Zombie Law? What’s the Supreme Court’s definition of Zombie Law? How many of the Supreme Court Justices are Zombies? Why are there more Republican Zombies than Democratic Zombies? What smells worse, a Zombie or a Fox News personality? Who smells worse, Bill O’Reilly or Glenn Beck?

• If you were a middle aged widower with a drinking problem and a houseful of bratty kids who you were utterly unable to control, would you marry a Vampire, a Succubus, a Zombie, an Ogre, a Bigfoot, a Sea Monster, or Courtney Love?

Chapter 9

• Women: Would you wear a cat suit to your wedding? Men: Would you wear a codpiece to your wedding? Women: Would you wear a baseball uniform to your wedding? Men: Would you wear a tutu to your wedding? Women: How would you react if your soon-to-be husband wore a codpiece and a tutu to your wedding?

• Why, earlier on, were we asked to discuss the question, “Shouldn’t have chapter nine been better?” Why is chapter five hating on chapter nine? If those chapters have a beef, shouldn’t it be settled before the author gets to work on the
My Favorite Fangs
sequel,
The Sound of Sucking
? Think about it: If this inter-chapter bitching goes on and on and on, it could become one of those Tupac/Biggie deals, and who has time for that kind of bullshit?

Chapter 10

• Which chapter merits less discussion, this one, or chapter seven? Discuss.

Chapter 11

• If a Zombie shuffles out of Salzburg at 4:16
A.M.
, moving at a speed of .2107 kph, and it wants to get to Rome by sunset two days hence, what’s the square root of 9,185?

• What’s the Untersberg? (Wait, don’t answer that. It’s already been asked and answered, like, ten times. The author is driving everybody nuts with his running jokes. Mark Twain, he ain’t.)

• Would you end a sentence with “ain’t”?

• How much blood could a bloodchuck chuck if a bloodchuck could chuck blood?

• What’s your favorite thing? And if you say kittens, or raindrops, or kettles, or snowflakes, or white dresses, or ponies, or brown paper packages, you’re a stinking liar.

A
LSO BY
A
LAN
G
OLDSHER

Paul Is Undead
:
The British Zombie Invasion

Give Death a Chance: The British Zombie Invasion 2

Hard Bop Academy: The Sidemen of Art Blakey and the Jazz Messengers

Modest Mouse: A Pretty Good Read

Jam: A Novel

The Record Haus

The True Naomi Story: Little Black Dress
(written as A. M. Goldsher)

Reality Check: Little Black Dress
(written as A. M. Goldsher)

Today’s Special: Little Black Dress
(written as A. M. Goldsher)

No Ordinary Girl
(written as A. M. Goldsher)

A Game of Groans: A Sonnet of Slush and Soot
(written as George R. R. Washington)

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

ALAN GOLDSHER is the author of eleven books, including the acclaimed Beatles/horror/humor remix novel
Paul Is Undead: The British Zombie Invasion
. As a ghostwriter, he has collaborated with numerous celebrities and public figures. Alan lives and writes in Chicago. For more information, visit
www.AlanGoldsher.com
.

This is a work of fiction. Any resemblances to real persons, living or dead, are purely coincidental. Any resemblances to fictional characters are intentionally parodic.

This book has not been prepared, authorized, licensed, approved or endorsed by any person of entity involved in creating or producing the
Sound of Music
film or any version of the stage musical.

MY FAVORITE FANGS.
Copyright © 2012 by St. Martin’s Press. All rights reserved. For information, address St. Martin’s Press, 175 Fifth Avenue, New York, N.Y. 10010.

www.stmartins.com

Cover design by Lisa Marie Pompilio

Cover illustration by Michael Koelsh

The Library of Congress has cataloged the print edition as follows:

Goldsher, Alan, 1966-

    My favorite fangs : the story of the Von Trapp family vampires / Alan Goldsher. — 1st ed.

            p. cm.

ISBN 978-0-312-64020-0 (trade paperback)

ISBN 978-1-250-01153-4 (e-book)

        1.  Vampires—Fiction.   I.  Title.

     PS3607.048M9 2012

    813’.6—dc23

2012014656

e-ISBN 9781250011534

First Edition: August 2012