My Favorite Fangs: The Story of the Von Trapp Family Vampires (16 page)

Bearded Man Number One said, “We’re men in the midst of a table!”

Bearded Man Number Two said, “We’re drinking beer with the foam afloat!”

In unison, they yodeled, “Lady oh the lady oh the lay hee hooooooooooo.”

At which point Baroness Elsa Schrader’s hair turned a bright, blinding green. The Captain and Max didn’t notice.

A girl puppet with blonde braids—who, to Max’s eye, looked a bit cheap and sleazy … but in a good way—bounded out from the wings, and straddled Bearded Man Number One. “I’m just a little girl in a pale pink coat,” she simpered.

Bearded Man Number One asked Bearded Man Number Two, “Lay the lady?”

Bearded Man Number Two nodded. “Lay the lady. Hee hee! Hoo hah!”

Max whispered to the Captain, “
Now
we’re getting somewhere.”

Right when the girl leaned in to kiss Bearded Man Number One, a curvy woman who was mostly breast lumbered over to the table. The tempo of the Danzi Concerto picked up far beyond what the composer had intended.

The older woman—who was apparently the girl’s mother—gave the scene a once-over, then said, “Little girl in the pale pink coat, I ask you, what are you doing?”

The girl smiled and said, “What do you think? Lay dee! Lady hee hoo! Lay the hoo hah!”

The Mother nodded and smiled her approval. “Hee hoo! Hoo hah!” She then straddled Bearded Man Number Two, and the puppet orgy was on.

Max’s eyes widened. “Oh, my,” he said, as the Mother stuffed her hand down Bearded Man Number Two’s trousers, “this will alienate certain portions of our potential audience.” He paused, then said, “But it might bring in a previously untapped crowd!” He clapped to the rhythm of the Danzi. “What a day this is, eh Georg?”

The Captain gawked at the performance, then said, “A part of me was anticipating another Austrian puppet disaster, but this, dare I say, is a triumph!”

After six more minutes of unbridled puppet sensuality, the two bearded men and the two women bopped off to stage left. At the same time, two goats bopped on from stage right. One goat sniffed the other goat’s derriere; both the sniffer and the sniffee bleated happily. Then the goats positioned themselves so their faces touched; they rubbed each other’s noses, then licked each other’s lips. A few seconds later, one of the goats turned around, lowered itself to the ground, and raised its rear haunches. The other goat let out a disconcerting moan, then, as it approached the grounded goat, the Captain said, “And that ends our show! Great work, brats! Bravo, bravo!” He stood up, then kicked Max in the thigh and said, “Time for a standing ovation.” To the Baroness, he said, “Care to join is, darling?”

Seven sharp, bullet-like cracks were heard from the backstage area. The noise snapped the Baroness out of her stupor, and her hair returned to its proper shade of blonde. She stared dazedly at the Captain and asked, “What happened?”

“What happened? Why, the children just gave us the show of a lifetime. Stand up for the curtain call.”

One by one, the children stepped out from behind the stage; once they were in a line, they curtsied in unison. (Max mumbled to the Captain, “We’ll have to work on that exit. All this curtsying makes Kurt and Friedrich look like nancy-boys.”) The children then stepped to the side of the stage, and on came the puppets: The shepherd, the two goats, the prince, the girl in the pale pink coat, the two bearded gentlemen, the lusty daughter, and the lustier Mother.

The Baroness scratched her head, then elbowed the Captain in his ribs and asked, “Who’s operating the puppets?”

Von Trapp said, “Why, the children, of course.”

Max shook his head. “Georg, the kids are right there, in full view. How are they doing that?!
Mein Gott,
this show is fan-
ficken
-tastic!”

The Vampire stepped out from behind the curtain and waved her hand at the puppets, who immediately collapsed. She then said, “Lady oh the lady oh the lay hee hooooooooooo,” and the Baroness again froze solid. Looking the Captain squarely in the eyes, Maria said, “Gentlemen, the show isn’t over. The show isn’t complete. There’s more, and what comes next might shock you. You might resist at first, but I ask you to give it a chance, because what I’ve done is a great thing for you and your family.”

The Captain asked, “What are you talking about, Governess?”

Maria turned to the kids and said, “Brats, prepare for part two.” After the kids obligingly scampered behind the curtain, she told the Captain and Max, “First of all, gentlemen, I’d like you to meet Dirk Vinizki.”

The prince puppet popped up from the floor, then removed the nails and puppet strings from his various body parts, smiling as the wounds gushed blood all over the ballroom. “
Dankeschön,
gentlemen. I’m thrilled that you enjoyed the show.
Dankeschön
, Maria. I thank you for the opportunity.” As he skipped out of the ballroom, he joyfully shouted,
“I have confidence!”

Max watched the prince take his leave, then smiled and said, “Now
that’s
what I call commitment.”

The Captain, whose face was drained of all color, said, “I don’t think that was a puppet, Max.”

“Who cares?” Max said. “All that matters is it was a heck of a show.”

Maria said, “As the pink-coated girl, give a warm round of applause to Mrs. Dirk Vinizki herself, Helga Vinizki!”

Like her husband, Helga stood up and removed the nails and the strings. Like her husband, she began to bleed profusely. Like her husband, she bound from the room screaming,
“I have confidence!”

Maria then introduced the remainder of the cast, as well as the two goats. After all the performers had removed their, shall we say,
implements
, and vacated the room, Maria asked the men, “Any questions, kind sirs?”

The Captain pointed a shaky finger at the numerous blops of blood that covered portions of the ballroom floor. “Wh-wh-wh-what just happened?”

Max said, “
Genius
happened!”

Ignoring Detweiler, Maria explained, “What you have witnessed, Captain von Trapp, is the power of the
undead
. The power of the
nightflyer
. The power of the
Vampire
.”

Blinking, von Trapp said, “Vampire?”

“Oh, come now, Captain, I know you noticed.”

“Noticed what?”

“This,” she said, then opened her mouth wide, displaying her fangs in all their gory glory.

Max fell to his knees. “Holy
scheisse
!”

Maria closed her mouth and shook her head. “Don’t fear, Herr Detweiler. Any friend of the Captain is exempt from feeding.” She glared at the still-frozen Baroness and added, “At least for now.”

“No fear here,” Max said, “just joy. With this sort of performance, top prize at the Graz Gala of Gaiety is
mine
! Er, I mean
ours
. Er, I mean
yours
.”

“I’m afraid that won’t be the case, Herr Detweiler. This is a one-time event. There will be no repeats. Enjoy it, imprint it upon your memory, and file it away for safekeeping. To repeat: No repeats.”

“What if there’s an occasion where you
have
to repeat it?” Max asked.

“
Have
to repeat it? What situation could possibly arise that would make a Vampire puppet-and-acrobatics performance…”

“Mein Gott, there are acrobatics?!”

“… essential?”

Max shrugged. “Something might happen. You might find yourself in a sticky position that only a puppet-and-acrobatics performance can get you out of.”

“That sounds ridiculous,” Maria said.

“That sounds like foreshadowing,” the Captain said.

“That sounds like it’s time to bring on the Vampire acrobatics!” Max said.

“I agree,” Maria said, then snapped her fingers seven times.

At the final snap, the Baroness’s eyes popped open. She glared at Maria and said, “You.
You
.”

“Might you have something to attend to?” Maria asked. “Some seed-sowing, perhaps?”

The Baroness snarled at Maria, then smiled at the Captain. “I’ll leave you alone with your children, darling. See you tonight.” And then she gave him another one of those kisses that brought him to his knees and left him drooling. As she left the ballroom, she said to Maria, “Try
that
one on for size, Vampire.”

The Captain crawled back to his chair and gasped, “Governess … you … may … begin … the … next … portion … of … the … performance.” He looked at his lap and shook his head. “Another pair of trousers ruined,” he mumbled.

Max sat down beside von Trapp and said, “Let the festivities begin!”

Maria beamed. “Gentlemen, may I present our first performer, Fraulein Liesl von Trapp!”

Liesl leapt out from behind the stage, clad in a Maria-like black cat suit. She said, “Thank you, Governess. I’m now going to demonstrate for you the quickness of the Vampire. But I must warn you: Don’t blink, or you’ll miss all the fun.”

And then Liesl disappeared.

But she didn’t really disappear; she was simply moving too fast for the naked eye to discern. Fortunately, we have the benefit of being able to describe each and every one of her actions in slow motion:

First, she zipped along the walls of the ballroom and opened each window.

Second, she hustled to the bar, fixed the Captain a drink, and placed it gently in his hand.

Third, she stole Max’s wallet from his back pocket.

Fourth, she stripped the wallet bare.

Fifth, she replaced the wallet from whence it came.

Sixth, she jumped through one of the windows.

Seventh, she broke a pile of sticks from the big oak tree in the yard.

Eighth, she jumped back through another one of the windows.

Ninth, she made a little house from the sticks.

Tenth, she stood in front of her father and Max, and offered a demure curtsy.

All in twelve seconds.

The Captain poured his entire drink down his throat, belched, and said, “That was … that was … that was
remarkable
.”

“Thank you, Father,” Liesl beamed.

Max shrugged. “It was acceptable. Not as impressive as the puppet show.”

Liesl said, “Is that so?” then she pulled the contents of Max’s wallet seemingly out of mid-air. “Does this look familiar?”

Max peered at the items in her hand. “Money and paper. So what?”

“Look closer. And take a look inside your wallet.”

Max pulled his billfold from his pocket and gave it a gander. An expression of utter anger flicked across his face, followed by an expression of utter glee. “Liesl, I apologize. You’re a genius.”

Again, she curtsied. “Thank you. Might I now present to you my little brother, Friedrich von Trapp!”

A bat flew down from one of the chandeliers and lighted upon Max’s head. Max tried to swat it away, but the bat was far too slippery and tricky. After a minute or three of jousting, the bat landed on Max’s left shoulder, at which point it transformed into Friedrich. “Greetings, Herr Detweiler,” he said as he clumsily fell to the ground.

Max said, “You’ll have to work on your landings, Friedrich.”

“Maybe so,” Friedrich said, “but my flying is all but perfect. I shall demonstrate.”

And demonstrate he did.

Friedrich flew into all eight corners of the room—floor and ceiling—one, right after the other, right after the other. And then again, and again, and again. He moved through the room so rapidly, he created heat waves that made the air ripple. Finally he touched down daintily in front of the audience of two, then transformed back into his Friedrichian self and offered a bow.

The Captain clapped his son on the shoulder—a bit harder than he intended to; he was getting tipsier by the moment—and said, “Fine job, my boy. I knew you had it in you.”

Friedrich said, “Really? You knew? Then why have you called me a useless tosser for all these years?”

“Heh heh heh. I was only kidding around, son. You know, jocular banter between a father and his boy.”

“Right,” Friedrich said, “jocular banter. Now without further ado, I’m pleased to introduce Louisa von Trapp!”

Louisa—who was wearing a cat suit of her own, although hers was red—was the only one of the children who actually did acrobatics: A Geinserschweiger double-back twist with a half-spin, a Linzerzen triple somersault, and a reverse Hansbroucken flip-flop, all capped off by the rarely attempted Wanzerschnagger-Belderschaden single-toed whirly. At the completion of her routine, the Captain and Max oohed, ahhed, and clapped appreciatively.

Louisa said, “And now, please enjoy the comedy stylings of Farta and Brigitta von Trapp!”

Vampires can fly. Vampires are flexible. Vampires can do magic. But Vampires are not funny. A few minutes into their act—just before the Captain was going to break his tumbler into shards and cut his carotid artery—a black cloud appeared above the girls’ heads. The cloud then turned red, then blue, then orange, then white, after which a rainbow climbed up to the ceiling, after which the cloud floated to the chandelier.

And then the rains came.

The downpour that fell from the cloud was unlike anything the Captain and Max had ever seen. It wasn’t a rainstorm, so much as it was a waterfall, and it took only several seconds before the two men were soaked to the bone.

Farta and Brigitta then told a series of knock-knock jokes that caused the rain to cease and the chandelier to explode, then curtsied and said, “Thank you very much.”

The Captain and Max clapped, although with noticeably less enthusiasm. “My dears,” the Captain said, wiping the water from his face, “that routine might need a little polishing.”

Maria said, “If we ever give another performance—which we won’t, despite the previous foreshadowing—I guarantee you it will be better. But it’s a moot point, because we’ll never give another performance. Unless it’s absolutely necessary. But it will never be absolutely necessary. Anyways, I ramble. For our final act, may I introduce Gretl and Kurt von Trapp, who will read
Dracula
.”

The Captain said, “You mean read
from Dracula
, correct?”