My Blue Eyes (9 page)

Chapter 22

     I was never one of those kids who woke up on Christmas morning eager to get downstairs and open the abundance of presents Santa had brought.  By the time I reached the age of eager anticipation, I was the only one in the house who believed in Santa Claus.  This didn't last long due to one of my brothers letting the cat out of the bag about mom and dad being the elusive Santa.  It was unfortunate, as I was only in first grade when the news broke.  It's often hard to remember things when you're that young, but it is still a vivid memory I will always have.  I was so heart broken.  It wasn't fair to ruin this for a child who was so young.  I don't think my parents minded much.  Before I was born, I'm sure they were counting down the Christmas days to where they no longer had to pretend.  Of course, my dad's Olympic swimmers ruined that for them.
     By the time I made my way downstairs, Mary and my parents were already starting on their Christmas breakfast.  Mary was rocking one of my t-shirts I let her borrow for pajamas. I was unable to pay her a visit last night due to my parents strategically placing her in the open bedroom by theirs.  They were in the middle of some in depth conversation and only slightly acknowledged my existence.
     "Good morning honey," mom stated.  "You slept in a little late.  Can I get you something for breakfast?"
     "I can get it Mom."  
     I sat down at the table with a feeling of regret.  I was unable to get Mary anything for Christmas due to being in the hospital so long and not having the time to make a little extra money.  I knew what I wanted to get her.  It was a heart shaped pendant necklace for $200 at J.C. Penney's.  I had my eyes set on it a few weeks before my beat down and figured three weeks of chores for my parents and brothers would cover it.  I had cut out the picture and placed it in my room on my dresser tucked under one of my many trophies.  My new plan was to show her the picture later and promise to get it for her by the end of January.  I must have had a lost look on my face as my mom pointed it out.
     "What's wrong Darrel?  You look too sad for Christmas morning."
     "It's nothing mom.  Are we going to open presents now or wait until everyone gets here this evening?"  I was hoping she would say now to avoid the embarrassment and harassment my brothers would give me for not getting Mary anything.
     "Well, I don't know Darrel," mom replied.  "What would you like to do?"
     "Let’s do it now and get it over with.  You know once everyone gets here it will be a madhouse."
     "Sounds good.  Why don't you and Mary go get cleaned up and then we can get started."
     I was going to tell Mary once we made it upstairs, but she wasn't done with her conversation with my parents.  I proceeded to go upstairs and shower. By the time I was done, my mom had already shown Mary where the other bathroom was.  This bathroom was located in the basement. It was a makeshift bathroom my dad constructed several years ago.  I guess he got tired of sharing a bathroom with eight other people, so he made one for himself.  He was the only one allowed to use it until my siblings started exiting the house one at a time.
     I desperately wanted to tell Mary about not getting her a gift, but there was no way my mom would allow me to go in the basement while Mary was showering.  I tried one attempt and was quickly shooed away from the area.  I guessed I would just explain to her later.
      
     Once we were all good and clean, we went to the living room. Dad pretended to be Santa, handing out gifts one at a time.  My gifts consisted mainly of clothing, with a few extra things here and there.  Mom made out like a bandit with the plethora of gifts my dad spoiled her with.  She had the same reaction to every gift she opened.  "Oh my, this is the best gift ever!"
     I was thankful my parents decided to get Mary a lot of gifts.  Actually, they showered her with more gifts than I received.  Mostly clothes that would fit her just right and show off her model-like shape she had been hiding for years.  I figured this would let me off the hook a little.  
     Mary had bought me a gift as well.  I was so in shock as I opened it.  It was a black, Rawlings Gold Glove. I had been wanting one for years.  How she was able to afford this, I had no idea.  At the sporting goods store, they cost around $150.  This only made my regret of not getting her anything more intense.  My stomach dropped a good mile.  I absolutely loved the gift, but I couldn't accept it.
     "Mary, you shouldn't have gotten me this."
     "Why not Darrel?" Mary asked while grabbing my knee and smiling.  "You've been talking about it since we met.  I figured it was important to you, and you will need a good glove once you get to college."
     "It's too expensive."
     She leaned over and gave me a kiss on the cheek.  "You're worth it."
     I knew I needed to tell her now about not being able to get her anything.  I only got the word "I" out of my mouth before my dad interrupted me.
     "Look at this," Dad said holding up small rectangular present.  "We have one more gift with Mary's name on it.  Now who could this be from?  It says, To Mary, from Darrel."
     Disbelief covered my face.  
But I didn't get her anything, 
I thought.  
What the heck was this?  
     My dad handed the gift to Mary and she cautiously proceeded to open it.  She was so neat in how she unwrapped it from one end, careful not to rip the paper, like she was planning on saving it.  I was eager for her to open what I had unknowingly gotten her.  When she finally got the paper off, it looked like a box holding a piece of jewelry.  She gently opened the top off and there it was, the heart shaped pendant necklace I was wanting to get her.  I immediately looked at my mom with a "
Where did this come from?
" confused look and she politely returned a smile.  I couldn't have no sooner turned my head around when Mary buried herself in a full embrace against me.
     "Oh my God, Darrel," Mary said as she was trying to hold back the tears.  "I love it.  This is the nicest thing anyone has ever given me.  Thank you so much!  I love you Darrel Watson!"
     I wanted to say I loved her back
, 
but was still in a state of confusion.  Mary wasn't letting go of me anytime soon as my parents got up and proceeded with their morning.  Mom gave me a squeeze on the shoulder and hugged us both.  "Merry Christmas you two.  That was a really nice gift Darrel." 
     Mary pulled away from me slightly while a wetness filled her eyes.  "I love you so much Darrel. You didn't have to do this."
     Still confused, "Only the best for my girl."
     "I'm never going to take it off.  Are you in love with me Darrel?"
     I took the necklace from Mary and placed it around her neck as she held her long black hair up.  "More than you will ever know Mary."
     The rest of Christmas day was spent with the entire family at our house.  It gets crazy at the Watson house at Christmas.  I wanted to talk to my mom so bad, and finally got the chance once everyone left.  Unfortunately, Mary's mom had returned, so Troy gave Mary a ride home as they left.  I wanted to take her home, but my parents refused due to the abundance of snow outside.
     Mom was cleaning up the kitchen as I walked up behind her and gave her a thankful hug.
     "Thanks Mom for getting that for Mary.  I promise I will pay you back."
     Mom clutched my hands and turned around, "Don't thank me Darrel, that was all your dad's doing."
     "How did he know I wanted to get her that?"
     "Your dad was really upset when you were in the hospital.  There were plenty of nights I would walk by your room and see him sitting on your bed.  You know he's too proud to say anything, but he was pretty torn up about what happened to you.  He was worried.  Don't repeat this, but your dad always says you're the one kid out of all of them who was really going to make something out of yourself.  Sure, we're proud of the others, but he's different with you.  I know you always get teased about being my baby.  Truth be told, you're dad's baby too.  He just doesn't know how to tell you."
     Tears filled my eyes as I blinked a thousand times to hold them in.  In a million years, I would have never thought my dad felt this way.  He was always so hard on me.  Pushing me to limits I wanted no part of.  I guess I missed all of the hints in our small talk.  Maybe that was the only way he could express himself to me.
     I found my dad in the garage using one of the many new tools my mom had given him.  He was expecting me.  When he turned around there were also tears in his eyes.  I walked up to him and he clutched me tighter than I anticipated.  Still feeling the effects of my broken ribs, I winced in pain.
     "Quit being a baby Darrel," dad said as he refused to let go.
     "Thank you Dad."
     "Don't mention it Darrel.  Now get out of here so I can finish up."
     With that, he pushed me to the door.  He had his back to me, but I could see he was wiping his eyes.  I opened the door and turned around.
     "I love you Dad."
     Dad turned around wiping his eyes, "I love you too son."
     I don't know what made my dad so emotional that day.  It was a good Christmas.  It was one I remember to this day.  Lost in all the hustle and bustle of everyday life, I found a connection with my dad.  I guess the narrator in Frosty the Snowman
 
had it wrong.  Today was neither wonderful nor magical.  It was amazing!

Chapter 23

     The party of the century was going to take place on New Year's Eve, 1992.  My buddy Matt had been planning this party since the summer and it was going to be legendary.  Matt had the kegs on ice first thing in the morning and anticipated around fifty people showing up.  
     I had to once again beg Mary to attend.  As far as I knew, she was planning on going.  Not only was I planning on breaking the new year in with her, but I was hoping tonight was indeed the night.  No more mistakes like last time.  I had my condoms comfortably tucked away in my wallet.  
     My parents knew where I was going and what I was going to be doing.  They didn't fight me on not going.  Dad just said to be smart and if I was drinking, not to drive.  The only thing they had to worry about was if the police got called or not.  The police in our town were relatively cool.  They broke up a couple of parties I attended the last few years.  The most they ever did was to confiscate the beer and make sure none of the people that were drinking were also driving.  
     I was at Matt's house early to help him set up.  Around 7:00 PM, I left to go get Mary.  I was so stoked she was coming tonight.  This would be the first time we did anything with my friends since Halloween.  Hopefully tonight would not be a repeat.  
     I arrived at Mary's and walked in the door.  We were at that stage in our relationship to where a knock wasn't needed.  I went into the living room and there was Mary and her mom sitting on the couch.  It looked like a huge fight had just taken place.  Mary wasn't dressed for the party, so I knew this wasn't good.
     "Hey, what's going on?" I asked already knowing the answer.
     "I can't go Darrel."
     A feeling of despair shuttered through my body, "Why not Mary?"
     Mary's mom chimed in, "She can go Darrel.  She's just acting like a baby and won't go."
     "I am not mom," Mary said scolding her mom.  "I can't go Darrel.  I really want to.  I'm afraid I'll freak out like I did on Halloween.  I can't let that happen again!"
     "It won't Mary.  I promise, I will not leave your side."
     "I can't Darrel.  Please don't try to make me go.  I really can't do it."
     "Please Mary.  I don't want to go without you.  This is supposed to be our night.  The night we break in the new year, together."
     "I can't go Darrel," Mary said with a sternness in her voice.
     "Then tell me why you can't go Mary!"
     Mary was starting to bite down on her teeth, "I can't go Darrel!"
     "Why?"
     "I don't want to do this now Darrel.  Please, just go."
     "I'm not going until you give me one damn good reason why."
     "Because I'm fucking crazy Darrel!  I don't like to be around people.  I get claustrophobic when I'm around a lot of people and I fucking blank out.  Is that what you want me to do?  Do you want to be embarrassed in front of all your friends?  Oh, Scary Mary's freaking out again!  I hate that fucking name!  Now they'll call me Crazy Mary.  Is that what you fucking want Darrel?"
     Mary's mom attempted to calm her down by trying to hold her and Mary shrugged her off and stood up and looked at me.  I was left speechless.  I was being confronted with what I had long suspected.  
     Mary calmly stated in a tearful way, "I love you Darrel Watson.  I love you more than I ever expected to love anyone.  I told you I was complicated.  Do you want to know where I go when I disappear for weeks at a time?  I go to the psych ward.  I go because I freak out and no one knows how to deal with me.  I don't even know how to deal with me.  I hate it Darrel.  I hate it so much I just want it to end."
     I reached for her, "I'm sorry Mary.  Let me help you."
     "Stop Darrel.  You are helping me."  Mary pleaded and was now in full blown cry mode. "For the past four years, my life has been a living hell.  Never knowing when I was going to completely freak out.  Do you know what that's like?  It's hell Darrel.  And then you came along and this happens.  This is the most beautiful time in my life.  All I want to do is be with you.  You keep me sane.  I never knew life with you, and now I can't imagine life without you. These thoughts I get in my head.  I can't make them go away.  No one can make them go away."
     I honestly couldn't come up with anything to say.  I didn't care about her episodes.  All I wanted to do was be with her and all her issues.
     "Tell me what I can do for you Mary."
     "You can go to Matt's party.  You can leave me here and let me deal with my things."
     "I can't leave you now!"
     "Darrel, please just go.  If you really love me, you will just go.  Please."
     I didn't want to.  I wanted to stay with Mary and help her.  I wanted to stay with her and see her through it.
     "I can't leave you Mary."
     "Darrel, please.  You're making this worse than it has to be."  Mary approached me and kissed me on the lips.  "If you really love me, you will go Darrel."
     "I do love you Mary."
     Mary turned and walked towards her room.  Her mom got up from the couch and calmly escorted me to the door.
     "It is best you leave Darrel.  Let me deal with her.  Come back later, anytime you want.  You know our door is always open."
     "Thank you Ms. Wizcowski."
     I left, even though I didn't want to.  I arrived at Matt's party minus one and Matt noticed right away.  We had some small talk and he gave me a beer to start the process of drowning my sorrows.  The first one went down great.  Then the second.  Then the third, fourth, fifth and sixth.  I had a good buzz going, but it didn't take away the thought of Mary.  
     By my tenth beer, I was talking to anyone who would listen about her.  I was getting stupid drunk until tonight was a distant memory.  The thought wouldn't go away though.  She was such a tormented soul.  I didn't care.  I figured since she told me, we could now move forward.  I needed to call her.
     I tried and tried but she never picked up.  
Damn you Mary
, I thought.  
Where the fuck is she?  It was 11:00 PM
.  
She should be home.  Maybe she's sleeping
.  All thoughts that crossed my mind.  I was now on beer fourteen.
     "Darrel!"
     
Who the fuck is that
, I wondered.  
It kind of sounds like Troy.  It is Troy.
     
"What the fuck are you doing here Troy," I stuttered.  "Aren't you a little old to be hanging with a bunch of high school kids?  You're such a dick.  Have I ever told you that?  You're a fucking dick!"
     He grabbed me by the collar, "You need to sober up little man and come with me."
     "Fuck too.  I'm staying here and getting my drink on."  I was finally stupid drunk, hanging on Troy.  Thankfully, everyone else at the party was immersed in their own conversations and didn't notice Troy dragging me out of the house.  Everyone but Matt.
     "Wait Troy," Matt ran up to find out what was going on.  "Where you taking him?"
     Troy stopped, "He needs to come with me and it's none of your business, Matt.  Also, when this is all done, I'm coming back to kick your little ass for letting him get this drunk.  You trying to kill him?  Look at him. He can barely stand on his own two feet you little shit!"
     Troy threw me into the front seat.  Literally, threw me in and not worrying about my head making it in before it clunked on the top of the car door and sped away like a bat out of hell.  I was too drunk to worry about where he was taking me, but I asked anyway.
     "Where we going Troy?"
     "To the hospital Darrel."
     "Why, is Mom and Dad alright?"
     "It's Mary," Troy paused.  "She tried to kill herself tonight."
     It's amazing how quick you can go from stupid drunk to somewhat sober in a matter of seconds.  I was going to be sick.  Troy pulled over the car and all the beer came out in three enormous heaves.  He kept the window down to let the cold New Year's Eve air sober me up.  We didn't say another word to each other as I kept my face buried into my hands.
     We pulled into the hospital and Troy helped me get out of the car.  I felt fine now.  I didn't feel drunk anymore.  I stopped dead in my tracks as Troy tried to get me inside the hospital.  I was afraid to go in.  I was afraid if I went in there, she was going to die and I couldn't bear the thought.  I started to tear up and Troy came up and clutched on to me.
     With tears rolling down my eyes, I gripped the back of his jacket, "Is she going to die Troy?"
     "I don't know Darrel.  Let's just get inside and see."
     When we got inside to the emergency room, my mom and dad were there waiting.  Mom saw the state of grief I was in and quickly rushed to me.  
     "I'm so sorry Darrel." 
Chapter 24