My Blue Eyes (13 page)

     We pulled into the school parking lot and there weren’t a lot of people there.  It was dark as I scanned the lot looking for someone in my family to greet me.  I finally noticed Troy as he was standing by my truck.  My first thought was to give him shit for not going to the game.  I got off the bus and gathered my things and headed towards my truck.  Troy had his head down as I approached.  
“Is something wrong,”
 I thought.  I was convinced something happened to Mary as I approached throwing my bag into the bed of my truck, trying not to show much concern.
     “Why didn’t you come to the game Troy?” I asked.  “You could have witnessed me throwing the game away.”
      “I heard you guys lost,” he said giving me a quick glance.
     “What’s wrong with you Troy?  You look like your dog just died.”
     He was only able to mutter my name, “Darrel.” He shook his head as he reached out to me.
     “What the fuck is going on Troy?  Is it Mary?”
     “It’s not Mary, Darrel.”
     I pushed him away and he placed his fingers against his eyes, trying to conceal whatever emotion he was trying to hide.
     “What the fuck is wrong Troy!”
     I avoided his attempt to reach out to me again by shoving him to the side.  This time, as loud as I could, unwillingly drawing attention to us, I asked him again.
     “Troy, just tell me what the fuck happened!”
     He looked up at me, wiping his tears with his sleeve and told me something that would change my life forever.
     “Darrel….Mom died.”
Chapter 32

     “Amazing Grace”
 has been played at every funeral I have ever been to.  I wouldn't necessarily call it a haunting song, but it does have an everlasting effect on you.  Especially when the person was as close to you as I was with my mother.
     I don’t remember a whole lot from the time Troy told me mom died up until we laid her in the ground.  I couldn't even tell you the names of ten people who were there.  Funerals are really a cruel thing.  The night before you lay someone to rest, you have a visitation.  You have to stand by the casket as everyone comes to pay respect and tell you how sorry they are.  I just nodded my head at everything.  They could have been telling me to fuck off and I still would have nodded my head approvingly.
     Once the visitation is complete, everyone goes about their business until the next day, when you have another visitation-like ceremony.  Once this is completed, you drive in a long slow line to the Catholic Church where the priest completes a simple mass for your loved one.  After this is over, you proceed in the long slow ride to the cemetery where you say your last goodbyes.

     I wanted to believe heaven really exists.  If you think about it, what would be the point of living if it didn't exist?  What would you really be living for?  Life can't be over once you die.  There are not enough years for someone to accomplish what God has set forth for you.
     I stood there next to my mom as she lay in the casket during the first visitation.  It looked nothing like her.  Whoever fixed her up missed every subtle nuance of my mother when she was alive.  She never wore a lot of makeup.  She didn't have to.  Dad always called it her natural beauty.  The dress they had her in is not something she would have worn in a million years.  I assumed my dad picked everything out.  If he did, it wasn't a wise decision.  He was a mess. 
     After Troy broke the news to me, he drove me home and explained what had happened.  Mom and dad were having their customary movie night when mom got up to go retrieve some popcorn in the kitchen.  She wasn't gone for long, and upon returning, she was saying something to my dad and just collapsed.  My dad tried to do CPR, though it was no use.  I’m sure he would still be trying if the EMT’s hadn't pulled him off of her.  Mom had a massive heart attack.  Truth is, she had been having mini heart attacks for about a month and was wrongfully diagnosed every trip she took to the hospital.  I would like to blame them, but I couldn't.  If I knew my mom, she would have just ignored them anyway.  When I saw my dad, he was a wreck.  I don’t think he ever quit crying and calling out for my mom.  My dad refused to go back to the house, so he stayed with Troy.  Troy said he heard dad talking to God and begging him to take him too.  Everything was too much.
     I imagined my mom up in heaven, watching everyone as they walked through the visitation line.  I’m sure she was counting everyone who attended and was so happy to see people she hadn't seen in years.  Who they were, I couldn't tell you.  Remember, I couldn't even recall the names of ten people. 
     Dad had to be seated through its entirety.  It wasn't like him to show this much emotion.  It just went to show how much they meant to each other.  Every one of my siblings was a wreck, except Troy and I.  Someone had to stay strong through this, and that someone was Troy.  I think I only cried when Troy first told me about mom.  People were telling me how strong I was in trying to hold everyone together.  I wasn't strong though.  I was just numb and unable to show any emotion.  I wouldn't be surprised if people thought I was high the whole time.  Cloudy was the only way to explain my head at that time.  Troy was the rock.
     
     I remember vaguely someone at the funeral home talking about the five stages of loss and grief.  I think it was one of the owners or someone.  The first stage is denial and isolation.  My dad was big on the denial and I was big on the isolation.  I only wanted to be by myself.  I continued to stay at the house, alone.  People would stop by to check on me, but I didn't want them to.  I just wanted to be left alone.
     The second stage is anger.  This could come at any time, and for my dad, it was every day.  He was angry at the world, angry at God and angry at himself.  I don’t know why.  Maybe he thought he should have been able to save my mom.
     The third stage was bargaining.  I don’t know if you would exactly call what Troy heard my dad say as bargaining.  As much as we needed our dad, I think it would have given us some sort of solace if we knew dad and mom were in heaven together.  I would have given anything to have my mom back.  There wasn't any use though.  I had accepted the fact she was gone.  So you could say I was already at the fifth stage.  It didn't mean I loved my mom less than anyone else.  It just meant I dealt with things differently.  My mom would always say you can’t judge someone by how they grieve, because everyone grieves differently.  She was so right.
     The fourth stage was depression.  I think this says enough.  How could you be anything but depressed when someone is taken from you so unexpectedly?
     The last stage is acceptance.  My dad wasn't accepting it now or any day after the funeral.  He refused to accept the love of his life was gone.  My dad would never be the same.
     The actual day of the funeral, none of my siblings wanted to get up in front and talk about Mom.  There was no way Dad could, and Troy finally succumbed to the emotion of the funeral and was unable to.  This left me to do it.  I didn't mind.  I didn't have anything prepared either.  I didn't need to.  Everything I spoke came from the heart.
     “I love my mom and I always will.  I will never forget anything about her.  As you all know, I am the youngest of my mom’s seven kids.  I know she loved all of her kids, but might have loved me just a little bit more.”  I smiled to the crowd and a light laughter was returned. 
     I continued, “My mom liked to tell stories of when we were all younger.  One story always sticks out in my memory the most.  She would tell me when I was around three or four, I would sit by the door in the front of our house waiting for my brothers and sister to leave for school.  Once they would leave, I would run to my room and retrieve a bunch of books and come running to her, books in hand.  No matter how many I was able to grab, she would read each and every one of them.  She said this was my favorite part of the day, but it was also hers too.  Mom and I had more opportunity to bond then she did with the others.  She said it was hard on her when I finally was able to go to school.  You would think a mom to seven kids would be happy to have all the kids out of the house.  Whenever we didn't see eye to eye, she would bring this up to me.  She wondered where that little boy went.  Well mom, the truth is that little boy was always there.  I cannot count the number of times when I would be sitting in class, and I missed her.  All I wanted was to be around her.  I would be lying if I said this only happened in kindergarten.  This has happened every year of my life.  There wasn't a day that has gone by when I didn't think about her.  And there is never going to be a day that goes by when I don’t think about her.  I don’t understand why God took her away from us.  Maybe he too needs the comforting hand she was always able to give all of us.  Maybe God will be having a bad day from the big mess we have going on down here, and mom will give him the look.  The look that everything will be alright.  I won’t ever see that look in person again, but it will always be etched in my memory.  Whenever I am down.  Whenever I am out.  All I need to do is remember this look from you Mom.  Thank you, and I love you.”
     I next turned my attention towards my dad who had his head buried into his hands.  He was able to look up at me as his eyes were covered in tears.
     “Dad…you were everything to mom.  We all know that.  You need to know that you’re everything to us.  There are no words I can say to take away the pain that you feel right now.  There’s nothing I can say to take away the pain I feel right now.  All I know is, there will come a day when you and mom are reunited and will live in eternity.  You will be together again.  You know this is true.  You are not only a great husband, but you’re a fantastic dad.  Thank you for being everything you were for Mom, and thank you for everything you are for us.”
     Dad got up from his seat and practically ran over to me and grabbed me with his big burly arms.  He cried, and I finally cried.  We stood there in front of a gazillion people having our own little private moment.  This is exactly what I needed.
 
     The line of cars for the funeral procession was a mile long.  It was nice to see all the people my mom had some kind of effect on.  She would have been proud to know so many people loved her.
     I didn't want to leave her casket as it lay there waiting to be placed in the ground.  I was afraid to leave.  I knew if I left, everything would be final.  I wasn't ready for that.  Troy came over to me and placed his hand on my shoulder.  He said I needed to turn around and see someone.  I turned around and saw Mary standing about twenty feet away, far from the crowd of people still gathered around.  She looked beautiful.  She was just what my tired eyes needed to see.  I walked up to her and we hugged.
     Tears covered her eyes, “I’m so sorry for your loss Darrel.”
     “Thank you.  Mom would be happy you were here.”
     “I’m sorry I didn't come to the visitation.”
     “That’s okay.  I understand.  There were a ton of people there.”
     “Ella was an amazing woman Darrel.”
     I nodded my head, “Are you in town for very long?”
     “No, I made my mom drive us down here if I promised we could go back to Minnesota tomorrow.”
     “Where are you staying?”
     “The hotel next to the mall.  Are you staying at home Darrel?”
     “Yep.  Dad refuses to stay there, so it’s just me.”
     “You shouldn't be there by yourself Darrel," she said as she brushed the side of my face with her warm hand.
     “I kind of prefer it that way.  There are only so many condolences one can take.”
     Mary laughed as she grabbed my hand, “It’s really good to see you.  I missed looking into those blue eyes.”
     I squeezed her hand and pulled her into me, “I've missed you too.”
     “Can I see you tonight Darrel?”
     I thought about it for a few seconds.  I really did want to see her, but didn't know if I could spend time with her and deal with the heartache after she left.
     “I want to Mary,” I paused.  “But you’re leaving tomorrow, and the more time I spend with you, the harder it will be.  I’m having a difficult enough time saying goodbye to my mom.  Do you understand?”
     She nodded her head and pulled away staring into my eyes, “I understand.  If you change your mind I’ll be at the Fairmont Inn.  The rooms under my mom’s name.  You take care Darrel.”
     “You too Mary.”
     She turned around and walked away.  I felt like an ass for rejecting her company.  I wanted to see her.  I wanted to be with her.  She drove all this way to pay her respect and I basically turned her away.  Maybe it was selfish of me, but I deserved the opportunity to be a little selfish.

     I made my way back home, alone.  Dad was still staying at Troy’s.  I laid on the couch in the silence of a house my mom’s laughter used to fill.  I missed her.  It was about 3:00 PM, so I decided to take a little nap.  A little nap turned into a five hour snooze fest as I was awakened by the doorbell.  I looked at the clock and it showed 8:00 PM.  I thought about ignoring it, but I couldn't.  I begrudgingly got up from the couch and headed for the door hoping against hope it wasn't a family member checking on me.  I opened the door and there stood Mary, suitcase in tow.
Chapter 33

     “Darrel,” Mary stated nervously.  “I know you said you wanted to be alone tonight.  I’m sorry.  I was going to stay away, but I couldn't.  I needed to see you tonight.  Please let me stay!  I don’t want to go back to Minnesota knowing I didn't get to spend time with you alone.”
     “Calm down Mary.”  I was happy it was her after I opened the door.  “Please come in.”
     Mary sat her suitcase down just inside the door and rushed into my arms.  “Thank you Darrel.”  She pulled away.  “I want to stay with you tonight.”
     “That explains the suitcase,” I laughed.
     Mary placed her hands on both sides of my face, “My mom’s not happy with me.  She said I should just stay away.  I couldn't Darrel.”
     I briefly exited Mary’s touch and closed the door.  “I’m glad you came.  I wanted you to.  I don’t care how difficult it’s going to be when you leave tomorrow.”
     Mary gave me a sheepish smile, “I’m not leaving tomorrow.  I’m going to stay one more night.”
     My heart leapt with joy as I led Mary into the living room and sat on the couch.  Mary grabbed my arm and placed it around her as she leaned back into me.  I missed her touch.  I missed her smell.  I missed her.
     “Where you going to sleep Mary?  You know my mom’s rule about not being able to sleep in the same room.”
     Mary gave me a shocked look as she turned her head to look at me.  “Are you serious?”
     I nodded my head, “I feel like we should, out of respect for her.”
     A tear rolled down my cheek as Mary took her sleeve to wipe it away, “You’re right Darrel.  We should respect that.”
     Truth is, I wanted her to sleep in my bed with me.  I secretly hoped she would ask again and easily persuade me to break my mom’s rule.
     “I should call my dad and let him know you’re hear.  Just in the unlikely case he comes home.”
     I picked up the phone and dialed Troy’s number.  Troy answered, “Hello.”
     “Troy, its Darrel.  How’s Dad?”
     “We finally got him to go to sleep.  I don’t think he’s slept in the last couple of days.  What’s up?”
     “Mary’s here.  She’s going to stay the night.  I just wanted to let him know she’s here in case he comes home.”
     Troy laughed, “Darrel, you don’t have to worry about that.  He’s not likely to wake up for a while.  Sharon gave him some sleeping pills, so I think you’re safe.”
     “That’s good.  I’m worried about him.”
     “We all are Darrel.  How are you doing?”
     “Better, now that Mary’s here,” I looked down at her and smiled.  “I miss Mom.”
     “I know you do.  How long’s Mary staying?”
     “She’s going to stay tomorrow night too and then head back.”
     “Well listen Darrel, why don’t you guys come by tomorrow night for supper?  Dad would probably like to see her.  Don’t worry, I’m not going to invite the rest of our family.  It will just be us, you and Dad.”
     I looked down at Mary to ask, “Troy wants to know if we want to go over there tomorrow night for supper.”
     “Absolutely,” she replied.
     I got back on the phone with Troy, “What time?”
     “5:00,” he replied.
     “Sounds good.  We will see you then.  Bye.”
     “Oh, one more thing Darrel.  Remember Mom’s rule about sleeping in the same room.”  He laughed and hung up the phone.
     I turned my attention back to Mary. “What do you want to do?”
     Mary snuggled in closer, “Let’s just watch a movie or something.”
     I left her side to go retrieve a blanket and pillow and we snuggled on the couch and watched “The Outsiders”.  This was my favorite movie at the time.  I hadn't watched it for a while.  Mom had bought it for me a while back.  She would always joke that when I watched this movie for the first time in the third grade, I started greasing my hair.  She would always say years later how much she hated my hair then.  She never said anything about it to me back then.  She let me live in my little fantasy world where I was one of the Greasers beating up the Socs.
     It made me smile.  I figured there would be so many things that would always bring up the thought of my mom.  I never wanted a day to go by where I didn't think about her.  I wished every time the thought of her crossed my mind, she would be alerted in heaven by a bell.  I hoped heaven was like that.  She would probably get annoyed with the constant bell ringing, informing her someone was thinking about her.  I wondered if a big neon sign would float above her, informing her who it was thinking about her.  This way she could ignore it and concentrate on the people she truly loved.  If I know my mom, she wouldn't ignore anyone.  She would give them the same time as she would give me.