Midnight Shadows (31 page)

“Actually I think he might’ve been relieved. He’s been by twice to check on you. Feels all sorts of guilt for not making sure Silva was secure.”

“He should’ve been. I put handcuffs on the bastard myself.”

“They took one off to administer the IV.”

“And who was the brainiac that gave him the chance to grab a gun?”

“That would be none other than the slimy slug Ralph Henson. He was holding his gun loosely in his hand. All Silva had to do was reach out and grab it as he went by on the stretcher.

“Zach’s going to do his best to charge Henson with something. Aiding and abetting. Or maybe reckless endangerment. Said the charges probably wouldn’t stick, but it’ll give the idiot a few bad moments.”

Ian glanced around at the surprisingly spacious hospital room. “So where am I?”

“Memorial Hospital in Mobile. Marsh’s helicopter flew you here. He and Walker stayed behind to clean up the mess. Quinn and I came with you.”

“And the rest of your family? They’re okay?”

“Right as rain and thrilled to have this over. Zach and Savvy have already taken Camille Sage and Aunt Gibby back to Midnight. Sammie and Quinn are overseeing the repairs to the mansion. Logan and Lauren went away for a much needed vacation. And Brody is already looking at a new case.”

“And I slept through it all.”

She grinned. “Yes you did, you slacker.” She went from amusement to somber in a flash. “Seriously, Ian, you scared me. I thought I’d lost you.”

Now wasn’t the time to mention what happened just minutes before Silva arrived. She had told him they were over, finished. That conversation could wait for another day. He was hurting, sleepy, and he had Sabrina looking at him as if she never wanted to let him go. For now he’d drift away with that image in his mind. Reality would come soon enough.

It was a week before Sabrina was comfortable letting Ian out of her sight for more than a few minutes. Quinn, as well as Ian’s doctors, had assured her that he should recover without even a hint of residual damage. Even now, she couldn’t get the image of a bloodied, unconscious Ian out of her mind. She had come so close to losing him.

They hadn’t yet talked about what had happened before Silva had arrived and all hell had broken loose. She was sure he hadn’t forgotten it. Hadn’t forgotten that she had broken up with him…told him to go find happiness somewhere else. The stupid words she’d spouted echoed in her mind. When she closed her eyes, she could still see the hurt on his face.

She hadn’t meant them. They were said for self-protection, not because she wanted to end it with him. And now she was faced with a dilemma. How could she reverse those words and get back what she had only just realized she wanted more than anything?

For the first few days after his injury, he’d slept a lot. Two days ago he’d been released from the hospital and she had insisted that he come home with her. He’d been about to say no. She’d seen it in his face, but then Savvy and Sammie, along with Zach and Quinn, had shown up and insisted he come back to Midnight and stay. She hadn’t planned it, but the entire Wilde family ganging up on him had worked. He had agreed.

Yesterday he had walked outside, around the house. Soon he would want to leave. If she didn’t say something soon—fix what she’d broken—he might leave like she’d asked him to and never look back.

As frightened as she was to reveal her emotions, she was even more scared of losing him.

Sabrina went to the bedroom where he’d been staying. She was ready to cut herself open and bleed herself dry if that’s what it took. The room was empty. Not only that—his luggage was gone.

Running from the room, she sped down the stairs and caught him as he was coming out of the kitchen. He was holding a cup of coffee in one hand and a biscuit in the other. She was so glad to see him, she skidded to a stop and gave him a brilliant smile.

His mouth full of half a biscuit, he mumbled, “Uh oh. The way you’re looking at me makes me think these biscuits were for something else.”

“Oh no. I made them this morning. For you. I’m just happy to see you eat them.”

“Good.” He grinned and added, “Especially since this is my third one.”

Feeling decidedly giddy now that she’d found him, she let her eyes roam over his body. “You should eat a few more. I think you’ve lost weight.”

“Once my mom sees me, I’m sure she’ll remedy that.”

A reminder that his luggage was missing.

“You’re leaving?”

He finished the rest of his biscuit in one swallow, washed it down with a long gulp of coffee, and nodded. “I talked to Quinn last night. He told me to check with my regular doctor in a couple of weeks, just to make sure everything was okay. But he said I was good to go.”

Uncertainty replaced the giddy feeling. “You don’t have to leave. I mean, it’s not like you have to get back to work anytime soon, is it? You don’t have any cases pending. Besides, you’re still not fully recovered.”

“No, but I need to see my family. It took a whole lot of persuading to convince them not to come to the hospital in Mobile. I know my mom. She needs to see for herself that I’m okay. The last thing you need is a horde of Mackenzies on your doorstep.”

If there was one thing Sabrina understood, it was the love of family. Even if Ian’s family was the most overwhelming one she’d ever been around. “I know you need to see them. I just…I was wondering…”

“Something wrong?”

She took in a breath and then let it explode from her with words, “I’ve been thinking.”

“About what?”

“About us. About what I said…before. I don’t want to take a break. This incident with Silva reminded me how good we are together.”

“You mean working together?”

“No…well, yes. Working together but also romantically…as…um, lovers.” She inwardly winced at the incredibly awkward and unromantic words. Words were one of Ian’s gifts—being able to say sweet, sexy things. Phrases that either turned her heart over or turned her body into an overheated mass of desire. Sabrina wasn’t good with them. Her feelings always felt too raw and powerful to communicate verbally.

He cocked his head, his brow wrinkled as if he were working a difficult puzzle. “So you want to go back to the way things were before this all happened?”

Nodding, her tense muscles loosening in relief, she was grateful he understood what she meant without her having to come out with something more touchy-feely.
 

“So we’d be like before? See each other on weekends. Go on vacations together. Spend all holidays here, with your family.”

“Well, with the exception of Thanksgiving and Christmas, since I know you’d rather spend those holidays with yours.”

“With nothing changing from what we had before.”

A little taken aback by his cool tone, she frowned. “I thought you were okay with our relationship.”

“There’s one aspect of our relationship I’ve never been okay with.”

“What?”

“The fact that you didn’t want more than what we had.”

“That’s not true. Just because I don’t say the words or we don’t have a marriage certificate, doesn’t mean I don’t have strong feelings.”

“I don’t need the words, Sabrina. And contrary to what you might think, I don’t need the paperwork either. But what I do need is you…all of you. Not just the parts you’re willing to give me.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

The disappointment in his eyes shattered her heart. Ian had looked at her in many ways before, but she didn’t know if he’d ever looked at her like this. For the first time ever, she felt as if she’d really let him down.

She took a breath, scrambled for the right words to make everything okay again. “I’ve been more open and honest with you than anyone else in my life.”
 

“I believe you. That’s what makes it so damn sad.”

“Excuse me?”

“There’s a line you can’t cross, Sabrina. You’ve got so many secrets inside you…so many things you keep from me. From your sisters. Your family may be okay with that, but I’m not.”

She snorted. “Don’t be ridiculous. People don’t tell each other everything. I’m sure you have plenty of things you’ve kept from me.”

“Actually, I don’t. But if there were
something you wanted to know, you can be damned sure I’d tell you. And you know why? Because I trust you. I know you’d never take what I confide in you and use it against me. But you don’t have the same trust in me, do you?”

“It has nothing to do with trust. I just can’t…” She couldn’t go on. How could she make him understand why she kept secrets without telling him what they were?

“You’ve got a lot of baggage. Something I’ve known for a long time, but I’d always hoped that someday you’d trust me enough to open up and share everything with me. I no longer have that hope.”

“So what are you saying?”

“I’m saying goodbye, Sabrina. This just isn’t going to work. I would kill for you, die for you. Hell, I’d even become an Alabama fan for you.”
 

His brief attempt at humor was belied by the pain and sadness in his beautiful eyes. “I love you more than life, sweetheart, but I can’t be with you. Not like before. Until you’re free of the baggage that constantly shadows your every step and prevents you from being able to move forward, we can’t be together.”

The hurt was tremendous, the pain overwhelming…immense. She opened her mouth, tried and failed to speak. Her entire body trembled with emotions she’d successfully smothered for years.

“I don’t want to hurt you.”

Too late for that…too damn late. “So you want everything—my heart, my body, my thoughts. You ask for too much, Ian. Too damn much.”

“I’m not asking for anything I’m not willing to give you myself.”

She held out her hands to him, as close to begging as she’d ever been in her life. “This is all I have to give you. All I can give you.”

“It’s not enough.”

“Fine.” She drew in a shaky, jagged breath. “If you can’t be satisfied with that, then you’re right, we are over.”

He raised a hand and touched her cheek in a brief, gentle caress. “Be happy, Sabrina.”
 

With those words, Ian turned and walked out the door.

Sabrina didn’t know how long she stood there. In a dim part of her mind, she remembered hearing an engine start-up and his vehicle drive away.
 

It could’ve been minutes or hours later that Sammie came to the door and said, “Hey, we’re headed to Faye’s for lunch. You and Ian want to join us?”

“Ian’s gone.”

“Gone? Wow, he must be feeling better. Will he be back this weekend or are you going to his house?”

“Neither.” She straightened her spine, stood straight and determined beneath the crushing blow of pain. “We ended things.”

“Ended things? What are you talking about? Why would you break up? That makes no sense.”

Sabrina glared at her sister. “It makes perfect sense. Not everybody deserves a happy ever-after.”

“Maybe not, but you guys sure as hell do.”

Sabrina stomped past her sister, wanting only to get alone somewhere and deal privately with the devastation. “Ian does. I don’t.”

“What? Wait! Bri!”

But she couldn’t wait. If she said one more word, all that emotion she’d stored up for years would explode and there would be no sign of Sabrina Wilde any longer. God only knew what would be left if she ever let that happen.

With each mile he drove, Ian’s chest tightened a little more. By the time he got home, he wondered if he’d still be breathing. Telling himself he’d done the right thing wasn’t helping. But hell, what else could he have done? Sabrina wasn’t going to change. Pretending otherwise was pointless.
 

When she had told him she didn’t want to end things, he’d had a momentary rush of extreme happiness. Maybe all the shit they’d gone through the last few months had been worthwhile. Maybe at last it’d broken that barrier she’d shielded herself with for so long. And then she’d kept talking and he had realized that nothing had changed at all.

He had no doubt that she loved him. Sabrina wasn’t the type of woman to sleep around. Opening herself up…being sexual with someone meant being vulnerable to them. If she didn’t care for him deeply she never would have been with him. But that didn’t solve their problems. For Sabrina, intimacy could only go so far. She couldn’t open up completely and because of that, refused to make a deeper commitment.

The last of Midnight disappeared in his rearview mirror and Ian felt the pain like a knife had entered soul and was slowly but surely shredding it apart. As if his guts were hanging from his body and he was bleeding out without any idea how to stop the flow.
 

Saying goodbye to her was a million times more painful than anything else he’d ever done. Doing the right thing used to be simpler. A man protected and provided for his loved ones. A man served his country. A man told the truth. A man stood up for what he believed in. Those were the good things in life…the right things.

And a man said goodbye to a future with the woman he loved because she saw no real future for them. Yeah, it’d been the right thing to do.