Memory of an Immortal Heart (Immortal Hearts) (35 page)

“You
take them,” Eva repeated blankly.

Brand
reached out, touched the blue sweatshirt Eva was wearing. “Like you took this
from me,” he said quietly, stroking his thumb over her collarbone. “This
sweatshirt isn’t mine anymore, it’s yours. Only one person can wear it at a
time. And as long as you possess it,” he said gently, raising his eyes to hers,
“I
can’t
.”

Eva
stared. A slow, gradual horror began to rise in her expression.

He had
expected that.

“So
those people you take memories from,” she hesitated, “like that girl. That
teenage
girl. She was just a cub. They don’t remember. But can’t… Brand, don’t you
ever
give those memories back? I mean, they belong…”

“I
can’t.” Brand rubbed a hand over his forehead, feeling the utter exhaustion of
those two words. “I’ve tried Eva, and I can’t. Once I take a person’s memories,
I can’t give them back. I’m stuck with them. Forever.”

God
only knew how many times he had tried to give something back.

Khael.
Khael didn’t know, but Brand had lost count of how many times he had tried to
give his brother back a memory –
any
memory – of Lis.

Just an
image, a scent – perhaps the memory of her sweet smile.

It
never worked.

Which
was probably just as well. Khael was alive. He wasn’t maddened or trying to
kill himself. It wasn’t much, but Brand knew he had helped his brother.

Relatively.

You win
and you lose
, he thought, watching Eva back away. Brand’s heart
felt like lead.

“The
girl…”

“Meghan,”
he supplied, and watched Eva shiver. Her gaze met his, dipped.

“She
won’t remember
anything
that happened to her? You just took away pieces
of her life
?
” Eva sounded shocked, horrified. “Pieces of who she
is?
”

Brand
closed his eyes. In that moment, too much flashed through his mind – and
the memories weren’t his. They didn’t belong to him. Except the first ones…and
the last ones. His own memories. “Meghan’s ability got out of control.
Drastically. She killed her mother and several of her friends. It was an
accident, but she couldn’t deal with it. After that,” his eyes latched to
Eva’s, “she spiraled. Tried to kill herself. Meghan doesn’t need those
memories, Eva. She doesn’t need that guilt. She’s too young to carry it. Too
young to know how to heal from it. I took those memories so Meghan would have a
chance to live. To smile again. To laugh and love and just…
be.
That sort
of situation is the
only
situation I use my ability in. And, from what I
saw, I know her mother would thank me for it.”

There
was a long silence. Eva’s gaze dropped. She swallowed, clenching her fists.
Shook her head. “That’s horrible.”

Brand
couldn’t tell whether Eva was referring to what had happened to Meghan, or to
his own ability. “It is,” he agreed quietly. Because both were equally true.

He
stood, watching Eva rally herself. Finally, “So you thought I wanted to
keep
my memories of Rohe? Of everything that happened?” Eva looked confused. As
if she wasn’t sure whether to be hurt, or relieved. “You thought I would be
fine, living with memories of Rohe…of Rohe and…” her voice choked off. She closed
her eyes.

Brand’s
lips tightened.
At least she doesn’t seem frightened of me.
He wasn’t
sure if he could have dealt with that.

“I
did.”

Eva’s
eyes flashed open.

“You’re
strong,” Brand said quietly, stepping forward. “And so incredibly stubborn.
What happened
hurt
you, Eva,” he brushed his thumb over her cheek as he
had, that first night in Vermont, and watched Eva’s eyes widen at the reminder
of Rohe’s touch, “but you will be fine. You will recover. The difference is
that Meghan was trying to kill herself. Repeatedly. She had given up and she
wasn’t healing.
Nikandria
couldn’t reach her. She wouldn’t have
recovered. You,” Eva stepped back, so his fingers dropped from her face, “are
still very much alive.”

She
looked shaken. “I’m not strong. I’m weak. I’m a fool – an idiot. I
practically
let
myself be caught.”

“You
are none of those things.”

“Brand,
I don’t…” Eva closed her eyes, shook her head. “I don’t know. About you, about
any of this. About anything.” Then, almost angrily, “You’re wrong. I’m
not
that strong.”

Her
fierce tone, her very spirit, gave lie to the words. Brand snorted. “You are.”

Eva’s
eyes flashed open, anger rekindling. “And how do
you
know?”

“I
know.”

“What,
because you’ve seen
so
much? Because you’ve taken
so
many
memories?”

“More
than I can count,” Brand’s jaw hardened. “More than I ever want to remember.”

“You’re
wrong!
” Eva cried, sounding so angry that Brand knew he was right. She
sucked in her breath, shaking her head. “After those weeks with Rohe… I’m
different now, Brand. I’m not the same as I was before. I’m afraid to run
outside, even
here
at Stronghold. I used to jog all the time. I can’t
handle the idea of small rooms, small spaces. Cells. Knives. Blood. When we
were in that car on the train I almost freaked out…”

“Being
kidnapped by Rohe changed you, Eva,” Brand interrupted. “It didn’t break you.”

Eva
snarled, flashing her teeth and whirled away. She paced from him like he was
something she didn’t want to deal with.

Running
again
, Brand realized, with a strange twist of frustration. His Eva was
always running. From difficult facts, from difficult fears, from life.

“And
what else? What were you even doing?
Here
.” Eva snapped, finally
stopping to gesture at the table where Brand had cut his arm to bleed into the
glass.

“My
mother is Sakai. She needs blood to survive. My brothers and I take turns
feeding her. This week,” Brand shrugged, meeting Eva’s gaze as his own heart
tangled, “it is my turn.”

“She
drinks from her own children?” Eva’s face twisted into the revulsion Brand had
known, and feared, would come. At least Eva didn’t bother hiding her disgust.

That
didn’t mean it didn’t hurt.

“Since
my father is no longer alive, yes,” Brand growled, his body tightening at her
disgust. “She does not drink from humans, nor does she take victims. She does
not make Bloodborn. She does not kidnap people, torture children or take
prisoners. She drinks blood from a glass, and there is
nothing
wrong
with that, Eva.”

“Did
you just call me a
child?
”

“You’re
acting like one!” he roared.

“Is
that why you were afraid of biting me? Because your mother is Sakai? What would
you have done to me – drank my blood like Rohe?” Eva snarled, eyes
flashing. “Or would you have preferred it in a cup? Because she did that
too
.”

Brand
growled, anger and pain arcing though his chest…then forced himself not to grip
Eva as she side-stepped him, pacing away across the kitchen toward the counter.

“I
don’t drink blood, Eva. I’m Kaspian.”

“Half
Sakai, Brand. Half
Sakai.
”

His
frustration burst.

“
Kaspian
,”
he snarled, pivoting to lock his gaze with hers. “I am a blood tiger, I am
Kaspian!
Never
compare my family to those like Rohe. We are nothing like
her.
Nothing like her
. Do not judge us according to one—”

“Rohe
is
Sakai
. So is your mother.” Eva snarled back. She crossed her arms,
standing before the refrigerator. Trying to drive him away, so determined to be
angry. “Don’t think this doesn’t change things!”

“My
father was Kaspian,” Brand stalked toward her, gritting his teeth as he fought
to keep a hold on his temper. “He loved her, she loved him. When he died it
broke her. They were amati, Eva. She should have died as well. She fucking
loved
him, and we both know Rohe is capable of no such thing. Rohe and my mother
might both be Sakai, but the similarity stops there. Rohe is a monster. My
mother – whatever else she might be – is
not
.”

Eva
drew her breath to argue, and Brand set his jaw, voice becoming low and deadly
as he stood over her. “It doesn’t matter what I am, who I am, what or my mother
is, or even what
Rohe
is, Eva. All that matters is you. And me.”

A
pause. Her gaze narrowed.

“And
what,” Eva finally said, “does
that
mean? You tasted my blood when we
had sex. Does that mean you can track my heartbeat now? Trace me in some
Sakai
way?”

“I’m
Kaspian,” Brand said cold and quiet as the pulse beat in his temples.
“Doubtless your father was human. Does that make
you
human, Eva? You
should remember that. Don’t make our relationship about this. Don’t twist it.”

Eva’s
jaw set, her eyes sparked in fury. “It wasn’t a relationship. It was sex. Just
sex. That was
all
it was. Nothing more. And now it’s
over.
”

Brand’s
control fractured. He took that step, saw Eva’s face change to stunned shock as
he gripped her and shook her.

“It’s
about love,” he snarled, “partnership. A
future.
” Brand bared his teeth.
Eva swayed, then shook her head, that infuriating stubborn look crossing her
face as she ripped away, her scent tinging with desperation.

“It was
only sex,” Eva reiterated, avoiding his eyes. “Nothing more. We both know it was
nothing more.”

Brand
couldn’t speak, anger trapped his throat. “You’re wrong, Eva,” he finally
rumbled. “You know you’re wrong.”

Eva’s
body stiffened. “Just sex.”

“It
will never be ‘just sex’ between us,” Brand growled. “You asked for the truth,
but you’re the one who doesn’t want to hear it. Don’t lie to yourself.”

Eva’s
face finally flashed around, eyes glowering into his with a towering fury.

“Lie?
Lie to
myself
, Brand
?
I don’t lie to
myself
.
You
are the one who’s lying. Always lying, always evading,
never
telling the
whole truth. And now that I finally know what your ability is, and what
you
are, is there anything
else
I should know?” The silver in Eva’s eyes
flashed gold as red flecks expanded to fill her gaze. Her shoulders settled at
an infuriated, uncompromising angle.

Brand
hesitated. Studied her face. And knew what Eva would do if he told her that she
was his amati and that he had never intended to let her return to North
Carolina.

She’d
run.

She’d
run so he would never be able to get within ten yards of her, much less
complete the bond.

Eva saw
his hesitation.

“
God
damn you
,” she screamed, rage making the words almost unintelligible as she
turned and ran from the kitchen.

Brand
took three steps to follow.

Fuck
. Fuck.

It
shouldn’t hurt so much.

He had
as good as told Eva he loved her. But he’d also called her stubborn. And a
liar.

But
maybe she isn’t lying
. Brand stilled, hand clenched on the doorknob.
Just
sex
, Eva said.

Uncertainty
settled into Brand’s marrow like a stone.

Maybe,
for Eva, it
was
just sex. Maybe she really didn’t feel any more for him.
Perhaps not enough time had passed… Maybe she was too young to feel the
bond…no. Brand shook his head, tightened his grip on the door. Age didn’t make
a difference with the bond, not after maturity.

Maybe
Eva just didn’t want him. Not like that.

Not for
anything beyond the “
temporary
.”

Actually,
if Brand considered Eva’s words, then the “temporary” was now over.

All
she’s ever wanted is escape. First her Gens, then Rohe. Now me.
It felt
as if Eva had grown claws and ripped his chest open. Brand dropped his head and
cursed. For once, just this once, he let Eva go.

It was
one of the hardest things he ever did.

Eva
stumbled back to the rooms, stared at the door, and realized she couldn’t go
inside.

Not
anymore. They weren’t her rooms. They were Brand’s.

A shard
of pain lanced through her anger, sinking sharp barbs into her heart, and Eva
quickly turned and searched down the hall for the first rooms Nikandria had
given her. Eva gripped her fists, desperately holding onto her anger. If she
could just keep herself from thinking until it was safe…

“Not
yet,” she whispered in the dark silence of the hall. “Not yet.”