Loving Lawson (12 page)

Allie

I ground my teeth and fought the tears swimming behind my eyes.

              Stupid hormones were turning me into a crazy, emotional wreck.

              What the hell was wrong with Heath? What had I done for him to be so cold to me all of a sudden? I knew I shouldn’t be upset. What he did was his own business. Besides, what I was feeling was wrong. He was Ryker’s brother. He was completely off limits.

I went to the kitchen and opened the pizza that was delivered an hour ago. I grabbed my third piece and stared down at the cheesy mess, seeing nothing but the look on Heath’s face when he pocketed those –

“Condoms.” I whispered aloud with a scoff. “He took condoms.”

He was screwing some girl right now. Probably one as beautiful as Tru. Hell, it was probably Tru. Well, him and Tru could ride off into the sunset and have their happily ever after, or whatever made them happy. In my opinion, I think they deserved to ride into a pit of lava and die a long, painful death.

Well, never mind. That was a dark thought to have.

Maybe just Tru?

The sound of a key in the front door stirred me straight out of my scary thoughts. My heart skipped a beat as it swung open, and I was waiting for the sound of a giggle to fill the air, or a pair of long legs to come swooping into the room. But only one body came through the door.

              Heath.

              He was dishevelled, his workout tee sweaty and his jeans hanging low. His movements were slow. He shut the door and ran a hand through his inch long dark hair without appearing one bit drunk. It was nearly one in the morning, so I’d assumed he would be.

              I’d been standing so still and silent, he hadn’t noticed me until he turned his body to the kitchen. When his eyes locked to mine, he stopped moving. I studied that face, locking my gaze for a second on his mouth that was slightly parted. Had they been ravaged? They didn’t look swollen. His body glistened with sweat, making his large muscled frame look more cut and pronounced. What had him so worked up?

              “Did you have a good night?” I found myself asking, not masking the bitterness in my voice. I was never good at this. I always walked away before a confrontation. I didn’t like fights, but after all these weeks spending time with him and seeing him watch me, I was devastated and confused. “Did you party it up after your win? Is that why you were out for so long?”

              He didn’t respond. He just stared at me. Something was very off. I didn’t like the feeling. Didn’t understand what it meant, and it was starting to anger me. I wanted some kind of reaction out of him, dammit.

              “Hope you put those condoms to use too,” I added, even though every part of me was trembling.

              His body stiffened and he took a sharp breath in.

              Yes, a damn reaction finally. He wasn’t a mannequin after all.

              “Were you with a girl?” I let out, and I instantly felt stupid for asking. I bit my lip hard as my eyes watered.

              Emotion broke through and he looked angered by my question. “Why does it matter to
you
?” he retorted. “Why ask that?”

              I didn’t respond. He took a step forward, his body suddenly taking on a threatening look as he angrily pointed at me and said, “Why aren’t you answering, Allie? Don’t like it when you’re the one being goaded with questions?”

              I scowled at him and turned to leave.

              “Don’t fucking walk away,” he said, causing me to halt in my steps. “How about answering me, huh? Why does it matter to you if I was with a girl?”

              “It doesn’t,” I shot back.

              “It doesn’t?” he repeated in scepticism. “Then why ask, Allie?”

              I took a few more steps, turning my back to him. God, I’d opened up a can of worms with that one. I shouldn’t have questioned him like that! Shit, what was wrong with me?

              “Why can’t you admit what you feel?”

              I stopped and turned around. He was still glued to the spot, glaring at me. I shook my head at him. “I don’t know what you’re talking about –”

              “Like hell you don’t know what I’m talking about!”

              “I don’t feel anything for you –”

              He suddenly came at me, moving fast, still that look of anger and… something else. Determination? Want? Christ, I didn’t know. I was too busy trying to stop my heart from jumping out of my chest when he slammed straight into me, knocking me back a step as he smashed his mouth to mine. I would have fallen back had he not already gripped me around the waist.

              His kiss was hard, but his lips were soft and wet. I immediately found myself relaxing in his hold, shutting my eyes as the kiss took over every part of me. I kissed him back with equal passion, bringing my hand up his hard chest and around his neck. God, he could kiss.

              He suddenly pulled back and stared down at me, leaving me stunned as he said, “I fucking knew it. You’re not so immune to me after all.”

              My eyes widened in shock. I felt like I’d been kicked in the stomach. He kissed me just to prove I felt something for him? I brought my hand back down and tried pushing him away in my anger, but he wouldn’t let me go.

              “Get your hands off of me,” I told him, realizing for the first time since he came home that we’d never spoken to each other so negatively before.

              “No,” he said, gripping me tighter to him, until his entire body was pressed against me. He was so warm. All my body wanted to do was sag and let him do what he wanted with me, but I couldn’t allow that.

              “Stop,” I pressed again, wondering for a second if I was talking to him or myself.

              “Why?” he asked, his voice taking on a gentler tone than before. His dark eyes searched my own. He looked so delectable from up close. I couldn’t look away if I tried. Everything about Heath was raw and masculine. His jawline, that stubble, his growing hair, those fierce eyes…

              “Because it’s wrong.”

              He took my words into consideration. Breathing slowly as he eyed me. Meanwhile, I was panting, waiting for him to say something.

              His arms loosened. My heart crashed as he took a step back and ran a hand through his hair. I didn’t pause to take in that troubled look on his face. I took off back to my room where I shut the door and stood in the dark. When I heard no movement, my shoulders sagged and I collapsed into bed. I closed my eyes tightly and breathed through my mouth slowly. My whole body was hot with nerves. What the hell just happened? He kissed me, and I returned that bloody kiss with everything inside of me. He knew exactly how I felt about him!

              I was scared now of what he thought of me. The last thing I wanted was to throw a wedge between us and push him away. Who would want to be around a hormonal, pregnant girl whose baby belonged to your brother and was jealous and needy of you instead? Yeah, I totally messed things up. I wanted to crawl under my bed and die of this humiliation. The morning was going to bring the awkwardness right on back with a force of a goddamn tidal wave.

              But, god, he kissed me! He didn’t have to do that to prove a point. I was beginning to think he regretted it. Why else would he back away from me like that?

The door suddenly creaked and my eyes shot open. I looked at the dark doorway and saw his still figure taking up most of the frame, reminding me how large he was. His arms were against each side, and he was leaning forward. I couldn’t see his face clearly, but I could feel those intense eyes drilling holes in my head.

“You said before I left that you wanted to be at the fight, and I cut you off before I let you tell me the reason,” he said, surprising me with a completely different direction of conversation. “It suddenly occurred to me a while ago, and I want to know what your reason was.”

Why did it matter all of a sudden? He went and I stayed home all alone. I pursed my lips as I thought about lying to him, but then what kind of person would I be if I wasn’t honest?

“I wanted to do something for my four month milestone,” I whispered, looking up at the dark ceiling.

I heard him shift around and let out a long exhale. “Fuck,” he muttered. “I’m a dick.”

“No, you just… didn’t want me to go. It doesn’t matter. I don’t have to follow you everywhere you go –”

“I like having you around,” he cut in, exasperation building in his tone. “It’s not that at all.”

“Then why’d you brush me off?” I asked, my hurt feelings escaping out of me so obviously.

I willed myself to look at him again, standing straight now in the doorway, his eyes still hard on me. Even feet away I could smell him, and it twisted me how much I liked it, how much it soothed me. He’d probably messed around with a girl earlier and yet I was still yearning his company, and I felt so stupid and disgusted with myself for it.

              “It was because I’d be in the way, isn’t it?” I pressed when he hadn’t answered right away. “You wanted to go off and be with whoever and not have to worry about the young, dumb pregnant girl –”

              “Stop, Allie, that’s not it at all.”

              “Then enlighten me.” My voice cracked and I hated that tears were falling down my cheeks.

              “I didn’t know about your milestone,” he said softly.

              “And if it wasn’t? Would you still have brushed me off?”

              “No.”

              “Were you with a girl?” The question slipped out of me again without thought, driven purely by my emotions. I
needed
to know.

              I hated his silence. Hated the way it made my chest ache and my breath lighten. God, he really had, hadn’t he? I was angry and disappointed in him. I shot out of me bed and went at him. I pushed him back. He barely budged, watching me intently as I made a fool out of myself trying to remove him from my room. “Just go, Heath. I want to go to bed.”

              He forced my hands away before pulling me to him. His arms went around me, bringing me right back into the position he’d let me go in earlier. His nose touched mine and my breathing stilled.

              “No,” he suddenly whispered down to me, his breaths hitting my face as his nose nuzzled mine.

              I relaxed with relief and my heart squeezed something awful.

              “I was going to, though,” he added contritely.

              “What stopped you?”

              “What do you think?”

When I didn’t respond, he picked me up and took me to my bed, slowly placing me down. He moved too, resting his body behind mine. I held my breath, wondering what he was doing, until his burning hand touched my shoulder. I felt the heat of him behind me as he wrapped his arm around my middle. I was so taken aback by all of this, but I didn’t let my surprise show. I felt like I moulded perfectly into him, and I loved how good it felt.

              My heart was beating hard in my chest and my mind tried to wrap itself around him touching me like this. When his nose started to trail the back of my neck and shoulder blade, I stopped thinking and my body centred itself on his touch. All I wanted was his mouth back on mine because what I felt when he kissed me was absolutely divine.

              “You’re driving me crazy,” he let out, his voice tight and pained. “All I want to do is be around you. I can’t stop thinking about you. I can’t stop imagining myself inside of you, kissing you, touching every soft inch of this beautiful skin. I can’t stop, and believe me I’ve tried. But I’d rather torture myself by being around you and knowing I can’t have you than be with some meaningless fuck that won’t touch me on the inside the way you do.”

              His lips skirted along my shoulder, moving up to the curve of my neck. Every inch of me exploded in goose bumps as I relished in the feel of him.

              “Tell me I’m not alone in this,” he muttered desperately.

              I shook my head slightly, trembling now.

              “Say it. Tell me what you feel.”

              I opened my mouth but I couldn’t draw the words out. They sat in my throat, hard as rock, making it harder to even breathe. He gently pulled me, until I was on my back and his face was over mine. His mouth was inches away, his eyes peering into my own, seeking an answer.

              The air felt thick around us. My whole body tightened with anticipation, but I was equally afraid. This was wrong. I knew it right then and there. I was playing with fire. No,
we
were playing with fire. This couldn’t happen. It would just complicate things in an unsalvageable way, yet my being came alive. I liked the feeling of him being so near. I wanted his touch. I wanted his kiss. I wanted him to keep saying what he felt about me.

              “You’re not alone,” I finally managed out.

              For a while, it was just this: his face over mine, our gazes locked, our mouths parted. So much unspoken words were dangling in the air around us, begging to be said. But we said nothing. Maybe we wanted to pretend this moment was simple and uncomplicated. Just two people who liked each other and wanted more without the baggage of everything else to overshadow it.