Lost Innocence (9 page)

Putting her hands over her face she tried to stop the memories of that time, but they were already flooding in, filling up her heart, crowding her mind, coming together with a clearer and more insistent reality than the one she was in.

‘So where’s the birthday boy?’ Rachel cried, pressing a path along the hall to where Alicia was instructing the caterers in the kitchen. The house and its small garden were crammed to overflowing with their friends and families, all gathered to celebrate Craig’s fortieth birthday.

‘He must be outside somewhere,’ Alicia answered, wrapping Rachel, and then her husband Dave, in a welcoming hug. ‘I was starting to give up on you.’

‘Not my fault this time,’ Rachel jumped in, before Dave could blame her. ‘I might have had a sick cat on my hands, but his
lordship here had to sort out a dispute with one of his tenants. Don’t ask, too boring for words. Just give me a drink, someone, please. I’m gasping.’

As one of the caterers put a glass of champagne into her hand, Nat came into the kitchen with Annabelle, asking if they could change the music.

‘Feel free,’ Alicia told him, ‘but you’ll have to answer to Dad. He created this mix specially for today.’

‘Where is he?’ Dave asked. ‘We have to toast him. We’ve left his present in the hall with the others.’

‘Great,’ Alicia replied, nodding to a waiter to start taking round another tray of canapés. ‘Could you open more bottles,’ she said to someone else. ‘Oh yes, and you wanted extra glasses. They’re in a box over there. Nat, darling, could you pass … Excellent, thank you,’ she said, as Nat hefted the box on to the table.

‘Do I get a glass now?’ Nat pleaded. ‘Dad said I could today.’

‘For the toast,’ Alicia reminded him.

‘I’m nearly
fifteen
, for God’s sake,’ Nat protested.

‘No way,’ Rachel cried. ‘Let me get a look at you behind all that hair.’

Laughing, Nat backed away, he didn’t allow anyone to touch his fringe, and gesturing to Annabelle, his adoring slave, he made good his escape into the sitting room.

‘Teenage spots on the forehead,’ Alicia muttered when he was out of earshot.

‘Oh,’ Rachel responded knowingly.

‘So did you bring in your bags?’ Alicia wanted to know. ‘You’re in the guest room. Mum’s in with Darcie, on the futon, and Robert and Sabrina are going to sleep on the sofa bed in the den.’

‘We’ll bring them in later,’ Rachel answered, ‘there are so many people we haven’t seen for ages and I’m dying to say hello. How many did you invite in the end?’

‘Eighty, would you believe? Go on through. You’ll find Craig out there somewhere. I’ll come and find you in a minute.’

After Rachel and Dave had melded into the throng, Alicia turned towards the downstairs loo, so desperate to go she was starting to dance. To her dismay there was a queue, so after setting yet another waiter on his way with a tray of
brimming glasses, she quickly dashed upstairs to use the guest en suite, since it was the closest.

As she pushed open the door to the guest room she was already starting to hike up her dress, until, seeing someone was there, she came to an abrupt and embarrassed stop and let it fall again. She was making a discreet departure when she realised it was Sabrina lying on her back on the bed, her legs wrapped around someone who was pumping her so hard that neither of them had noticed they were no longer alone. The man’s trousers were around his knees, his shirt was open, and Alicia’s first thought was,
Why is that man wearing Craig’s shirt?
Then as the truth struck its terrible blow she took a step back.

For interminable, dead seconds she continued to stand where she was, unable to move, or to believe what she was seeing. They were thrusting and panting, grunting, urging each other on, oblivious to everything beyond the storm of an approaching eruption. Something wasn’t connecting in Alicia’s head. Her mind was distorting what she was seeing, playing her tricks, pushing her to wrong conclusions, making her see things that weren’t there. Craig wouldn’t do this, he just wouldn’t.

Then she realised Sabrina was watching her, and to her horror, instead of behaving like any other guilty woman, throwing Craig aside and scrambling for her clothes, Sabrina only smiled. There was a chilling gleam of triumph in her eyes and as she clung more tightly to Craig she urged him to go faster and harder.

The instant Craig began to ejaculate Alicia turned and left the room. She felt sick in ways she’d never known it was possible to feel sick. Every part of her needed to expel the treachery she’d left behind, her mind, her stomach, her heart, her very soul, wanted rid of it.

She walked to the top of the stairs and stood there shaking. She wasn’t sure how much time passed before Craig came out of the room, it could have been seconds, or minutes, she only knew that as his arms went round her the urge to push him down the stairs overwhelmed her. He grabbed the banister in time, righting himself before he plunged to the bottom.

‘Alicia, listen,’ he whispered urgently. ‘I’ve had too much to drink. I wasn’t thinking …’

‘Don’t speak to me,’ she hissed. She tried to break free, but he held her firm.

‘You can’t go back down there like this,’ he said.

‘How long has it been going on?’ she asked shakily.

‘It just happened … I …’

‘Tell her the truth, Craig,’ Sabrina said from the door.

He spun round. ‘Sabrina, just go …’

‘It started,’ Sabrina said to Alicia, ‘when we were all in Italy last summer.’

Alicia reeled. They’d been screwing like that for over a year? All the times she’d thought Craig was working late, or away, or taking phone calls from colleagues and clients … Why hadn’t she realised it was a sham? How could she not have suspected? She looked at him and it terrified her to see how pale and unsure of himself he seemed. This affair was serious, she thought. It really meant something to him.

‘Does Robert know?’ she heard herself ask, in a voice that came from the bottom of a void.

‘He’s too busy, and hardly ever here,’ Sabrina drawled.

Alicia turned to look at her. This wasn’t mattering to her. She didn’t care that she’d just been caught screwing her sister-in-law’s husband, or that she’d betrayed a good man who loved her. If anything, she seemed almost pleased with herself.

‘Get her out of here,’ Alicia said.

Craig baulked. ‘Alicia, Robert and your mother are downstairs …’

‘I’m aware of that, so you can go and explain why
she
has to go, and then the party’s over,’ and wrenching herself away from his grip she started up the second flight of stairs to her own room.

‘Alicia,’ Craig called after her. ‘Think about the children. What am I going to tell them if you …’

Alicia rounded on him in fury. ‘You should have thought about that before you dropped your trousers for that whore,’ she raged.

‘How dare you!’ Sabrina shouted.

‘Keep your voices down,’ Craig implored. He was deathly white now and more agitated than Alicia had ever seen him. ‘Sabrina, whatever excuse you use, you have to leave,’ he told her.

Sabrina was staring at him hard. ‘Why don’t we just tell the truth?’ she replied. ‘You’re always saying you want to leave her, so isn’t this the perfect opportunity?’

Alicia reeled again and stared at Craig with such bemusement and hurt that no words would come, no thoughts, no anything beyond the shock and pain.

‘Don’t listen to her,’ he said. ‘It’s not true. I don’t want to leave you.’

‘But you have been screwing her for over a year?’

He shook his head. ‘No, I mean, yes, but …’

‘Mum! Are you up there?’ Darcie yelled from the bottom of the stairs. ‘Nat’s changing the music and Dad’ll go ballistic. Do you know where Dad is?’

‘I’m here,’ Craig answered, keeping his eyes on Alicia. ‘It’s OK if Nat …’

‘Get out of my way,’ Alicia seethed under her breath. ‘And don’t bring your whore back to the party or I swear I’ll tell everyone right away exactly how you’ve been celebrating your fortieth birthday.’

Swinging her legs off the bed, as though to escape the sheer awfulness of that day, Alicia pushed back her hair and tried to block it out. But it was persisting, coming over her in wave after wave of torturous memory, reminding her of how, in the days and weeks that followed, Craig had continued to swear that Sabrina meant nothing to him. Nothing had happened in Italy, he told her. Sabrina had lied, and he had no idea why. No, of course he wasn’t planning to see her again. He swore on the children’s lives that he still loved Alicia, and that nothing in the world mattered more to him than keeping his family together. He was as convincing as any trained barrister could be, and Alicia even believed him for a while, but then she found herself doing something she’d never done before, checking his mobile phone records and credit-card statements. To her horror, it soon became evident not only that he’d been lying about how long the affair had been going on, but also that it was still far from over.

‘I don’t understand it,’ she raged when she confronted him. ‘What is it about her? Do you love her? Is that what’s
happening? Do you want to leave us, break up our home and go to be with her?’

‘No, of course not,’ he cried. ‘You and the children mean everything to me, you know that …’

‘Then
why
are you doing this? It’s not as though we don’t have a sex life, or is it only me who finds it satisfying? It must be, because it’s only you who’s looking elsewhere. Does she give you more? Is she doing things …’

‘Alicia, stop,’ he pleaded, his handsome face haggard. ‘Nothing’s wrong between us. I love you as much now as I ever have, probably more.’

‘Then
why
?’ she repeated desperately. ‘Explain it to me. Make me understand why you’re doing this.’

His head went down as he shook it. ‘I wish I could,’ he replied hoarsely. ‘I don’t want to blame her, or to pretend I’m innocent … I just … It’s something …’

‘It’s
what
?’ she shouted, wanting to punch and slap him as though to make him feel her pain.

Still he was shaking his head. Craig Carlyle, the great orator, the brilliant barrister who’d found words to defend some of the lowest forms of human life, paedophiles, gangsters, serial killers, could find no words to defend himself.

Alicia knew she should have made him leave then, or left herself, but she hadn’t, mainly because she hadn’t been able to bring herself to tell the children what was happening. They adored their father, to them he was everything, and the pathetic truth was that as much as she hated him for what he was doing, she couldn’t stop loving him either. He wasn’t only someone who’d betrayed her, he was the man whose love of his children made her heart trip, whose smile could still melt her all the way through, whose very presence in their world held it all together and made every day worthwhile. She’d watched him cry over the tragedy of a case he was working on, she knew about the kindness he showed to victims and their families. There was so much more to him than this madness with Sabrina, so she couldn’t throw it all away. In the end, they’d agreed that provided he ended it with Sabrina once and for all, she’d give him another chance.

How he broke it to Sabrina Alicia guessed she’d never know now, but whatever he’d told her, it soon became evident that Sabrina herself wasn’t ready to let go. She kept calling, morning noon and night, often drunk and half demented with grief and rage as she threatened Alicia, or begged Craig to see her. She swore she’d end her marriage to Robert if Craig would do as he’d promised and leave Alicia. Craig fiercely denied ever making such a promise.

‘I’ve never had any intention of leaving you for her, or anyone else,’ he insisted one night, after Sabrina had woken them with yet another of her drunken calls in the early hours.

‘So why is she saying you did?’

‘I don’t know. She’s making it up, telling herself what she wants to hear, but it’s nonsense. All I want from her is for her to leave me alone.’

So Alicia drove down to Holly Wood to confront Sabrina. By then Robert knew about the affair, and was as devastated as Alicia, but he had no idea Alicia was coming so was completely unaware of his mother’s crazy decision to play mediator. He only found out after the terrible scene that erupted between the two women was over and Sabrina returned home bleeding from the nose and with huge handfuls of hair torn from her scalp.

Robert had immediately marched over to his mother’s where he’d found Alicia in no better shape, but his main concern had been for Monica.

‘How could you do this?’ he shouted at Alicia. ‘Look at her. She’s your mother, for God’s sake. What were you thinking, when you know how sick she is?’

‘I’m sorry,’ Alicia cried. ‘I didn’t mean it to happen …’

‘Robert, calm down,’ Monica pleaded. ‘I’m OK, just a bit bruised from where I tried to break it up. I’ll heal.’

‘It’s not good enough,’ Robert growled, still glaring at Alicia. ‘I want you to leave here right now …’

‘Robert, no,’ Monica protested. ‘She’s hurting every bit as much as you are, and I’m sorry to say this, but Sabrina’s much more to blame than your sister.’

Having to concede that, Robert turned stiffly away, but not before Alicia saw how shattered he was inside. She went to
put a hand on his shoulder, and as he turned to look at her they gazed deeply into one another’s eyes. Then his arms went round her and they held one another tightly. Had their mother not been there Alicia was sure they’d have both broken down and tried to seek some comfort from each other, but Monica had been through enough for one day. She was tired, she needed to lie down, and Robert had to get back to Sabrina.

It was a week later, when Alicia called to tell her mother she was coming for a few days, that Monica asked her not to. It would probably be best if she stayed away from Holly Wood for a while, Monica said as gently as she could, and because she’d sounded so weak and weary Alicia hadn’t argued. Instead, she’d allowed herself to be banished from the home she’d grown up in, the village she felt so much a part of, and the mother she adored, all because Sabrina couldn’t let go of Craig.

Later, Alicia learned from her mother that Robert had threatened to divorce Sabrina if she didn’t pull herself together and stop pestering Craig with phone calls and emails. Apparently, afraid of ending up with no one, Sabrina had finally given up her persecution, but the damage that had been done to both marriages was already incalculable, and, to Alicia, often felt irreparable. In spite of remaining committed to one another, and trying hard to recapture what had been lost, it was never the same between her and Craig again. Like a priceless vase, her trust had been shattered, and no matter how carefully she attempted to put it back together the cracks always showed.