Lost Innocence (8 page)

‘So we might get to meet him at last,’ Catrina said.

A momentary concern peeped through a crack in the shell of Annabelle’s grown-up demeanour. ‘If you do, just keep your hands off. He’s mine,’ she informed them hotly.

‘He’s your
cousin
,’ Georgie piped up. ‘That is so gross.’

‘We’re not blood-related.’

‘It’s still not right though.’

‘Who says? Anyway, I’m going back down to see what
I can find to drink – and eat. If my mobile rings and it’s Carl tell him I liked his friend Jason, or whatever his name was, so he should bring him to Ed’s tonight.’

Taking a wrap from the back of the door, she pulled it on and ran silently back down the stairs. There were no voices coming from the kitchen now, and when she cautiously pushed open the door, to her relief, there was no sign of anyone inside. The last thing she wanted was a showdown with her mother when Robert was around to offer husbandly support, particularly when it was likely to end up with her being grounded for sneaking out last night. Still, even if she was it wouldn’t stop her going to Ed’s party tonight. Everyone was going to be there, and according to Ed he had a new supplier for E, so she definitely wasn’t going to miss out on that.

Going to the fridge she helped herself to a double punnet of strawberries, another of blackberries and a dish of chopped mango which she dumped next to the blender before peeling a couple of bananas. She was thinking now about the row she’d overheard earlier, and feeling weird little frissons eddying through her. The she-devil and Craig. Amazing. Gross, but still amazing. Actually, it explained quite a lot, except, maybe, why Robert hadn’t chucked her mother out. Perhaps he hadn’t wanted to come over as a hypocrite, seeing as he’d been sleeping with her mother while she was still married to her first husband, Annabelle’s drippy dad. Come to think of it, her mother was a bit of a serial cheater, because Annabelle was sure she’d had other flings before Robert came along. It was probably where she got her own overactive libido from, she decided, and giggled. She loved the way Carl and his friends described her like that.

Anyway, whatever, she could only feel relieved that Robert hadn’t chucked them out, because living in this house, in Holly Wood, was amazingly, seriously cool, and the last place she wanted to end up was in some downgrade semi or flat in Bath, or Bristol, or worse, London, with no money, because there was no way her mother could earn anything like the megabucks Robert got paid. Worse still would be finding herself being shipped off to her father,
not only because he lived on another planet now, or it might as well be, Australia was so far away, but because he had another family these days who looked a right bunch of mingers from the photos he sent her.

It wasn’t until she’d turned the blender off that she realised her mother was standing behind her, hands on hips, apparently about to go mental.

‘Get over it, Mum,’ she said, before her mother could weigh in first.

‘Where were you last night?’ Sabrina demanded.

‘Out.’

‘I’m aware of that. You’re fifteen years old, young lady, and the rules of this house are that you have to be home by eleven and stay here.’

‘Yeah, yeah, blah, blah.’

‘So where were you?’

‘I just told you, out.’

‘Annabelle, look at me.’

‘What for?’

‘I said look at me.’

‘I’m busy, aren’t I?’

‘So help me, I’ll send you to your father if you don’t start showing me more respect.’

‘Oh, that’s a new one. Haven’t heard that before. Can you excuse me please, I need to get some glasses out of the cupboard.’

‘Who’s upstairs?’ Sabrina demanded, standing aside, and thinking, not for the first time, how rarely Annabelle ever looked her in the eye.

‘None of your business.’

Sabrina’s face clenched with anger. ‘If there are boys in your room…’

Annabelle sighed and rolled her eyes. ‘If you must know it’s Georgie and Catrina. OK? Satisfied?’

Sabrina’s expression was still tight. ‘I wish you had friends your own age,’ she stated. ‘OK, I know you’ve always known them, but they’re in the sixth form now and you’re…’

‘Are there any biscuits or anything?’ Annabelle interrupted. ‘We’re starving.’

‘It’s called the munchies,’ Sabrina told her, yanking open a cupboard. ‘It’s what happens when you’ve had too much to drink, and let me remind you yet again, you’re underage …’

Annabelle suddenly burped, which made her laugh. ‘Sorry, that wasn’t meant to come out,’ she said, pressing her fingers to her lips.

Sabrina shook her head in disgust. ‘Were there any drugs involved wherever you went last night?’ she asked bluntly.

‘Oh Mum, unravel yourself, will you?’

‘I want an answer.’

‘Well you’re not getting one, because if I say no you won’t believe me, and if I say yes you’ll just go off on one.’

Feeling the intolerable bite of frustration, Sabrina said, ‘Your attitude is going to get you into a lot of trouble one of these days, young lady.’

Annabelle didn’t bother to reply. She simply put the drinks on the tray, took the biscuits and started towards the door.

‘There used to be a time when I was proud to call you my daughter,’ Sabrina told her, her voice shaking with anger and despair. ‘Now I just feel ashamed, and do you know why? Because you look like a tart, and I wouldn’t be at all surprised to find out you behave like one.’

‘You know what,’ Annabelle said nastily, ‘Alicia’s not the only one around here who can’t stand you, because there’s always me,’ and leaving her mother with tears of helplessness and fury stinging her eyes, she went off to feed her friends.

Turning back towards the sink, Sabrina put her hands on the edge and held on tightly. She dared not let go of her emotions for fear of how fast and furiously they might tear through her if she did. Robert wouldn’t tolerate it if he thought she was still grieving, God knew he’d found it hard enough when he’d first broken the news of Craig’s death. Typically, he’d been patient and kind at first, understanding, in spite of how much it was hurting him, that she’d needed some time and space to come to terms with the loss. It would be too much to expect him to carry on considering her feelings when to his mind she had no right to them anyway, but how could she just put them aside as though
they didn’t exist, when most of the time they were the only part of her that seemed real?

While Robert was at the funeral, which he’d forbidden her to attend, she’d gone to the church, here in Holly Wood, and sat alone at the back, whispering to Craig in her mind, feeling the words in her heart. She’d told him how much she still loved him and always would. She’d pictured them together during the times they’d laughed and made love, forgetting the pain and wretchedness that had all but destroyed her after their break-up. She’d never believed then, and she still didn’t now, that he’d stopped loving her. No matter what he told Alicia, or himself, she’d always known that deep in his heart he remained hers. It was why she’d found their parting impossible to accept, and the news of his death had come as such a terrible blow. The dreams, the certainty, that one day they would be together could never now come true.

And if they couldn’t she had to wonder if there was any point to going on.

Were it not for Robert and Annabelle there really wouldn’t be, and she’d caused so much damage in her relationships with them that she often felt afraid that they might actually be better off without her. She asked herself, if there was a door she could open that would lead her to Craig, would she go through? Would she really turn her back on two people she loved so much, whom she felt as bonded to as her own heart, to be with another who was no longer in this world, and yet meant more to her than life?

The answer was, she didn’t know, but a part of her was breathless with relief that there was no such door, so the choice didn’t have to be made.

Chapter Four

‘Hey Mum, sorry did I wake you?’

‘No, not at all,’ Alicia lied, struggling to come to. ‘Is everything OK?’ Not, what time is it? How are you, darling? Or, what have you forgotten? Already an ocean of dread was closing around her heart, drowning the beat. Was this how it was going to be from now on, always living in fear that another sudden disaster had struck?

‘I’m cool,’ Darcie told her chirpily. ‘It’s just that my mobile might not work where we’re going today, so I didn’t want you to worry if you couldn’t get hold of me.’

‘Where are you going?’ Alicia asked, glancing at the clock. Still only seven thirty, making it eight thirty in France.

‘Oh, just on a hike, but it’s pretty remote in places, apparently.’

‘Don’t forget to wear a hat and cover yourself in factor thirty,’ Alicia cautioned, thinking of her daughter’s tender fair skin.

‘Yeah, yeah. So how are you? Sorry I missed you last night, Verity and I went into the local village with her sister where they were having some kind of fete. It was really cool. Did you go over to Rachel’s for a barbecue in the end?’

‘I did,’ Alicia confirmed. ‘They all send their love. Una’s dying to see you.’

‘Tell her, me too,’ Darcie trilled, not adding
she’s the only good thing about moving there
, but Alicia heard it anyway. ‘So what are you doing today?’

Alicia thought, then remembering, a swell of pleasure made her smile. ‘Nat’s arriving this afternoon,’ she reminded her. ‘I’m picking him up from the station at three.’

‘Oh yeah, of course. Is Summer coming with him?’

‘Yes. She’s staying until Wednesday, apparently.’

‘Mm.’

‘What?’

‘Nothing.’

‘Come on.’

‘It’s just that I’m not really sure about her,’ Darcie confessed.

Knowing it was unlikely Darcie would feel sure about anyone who threatened to steal her place in Nat’s affections, Alicia said, ‘Nat likes her, and that’s what’s important.’

‘Do you? Be honest now.’

‘She’s OK.’ Alicia wouldn’t confide any more than that, since Darcie was likely to blurt it out to Nat. Not that she had anything against Summer, who’d certainly been there for Nat these last few months, it was simply that, like Craig, she could have wished Nat wasn’t involved in such a serious relationship when he was still so young.

‘Are you going to let them sleep together?’ Darcie asked.

Stifling a laugh, Alicia said, ‘He hasn’t asked if they can, so I’m going to make up my old room for Summer and Uncle Robert’s for Nat.’

‘So that means you’re sleeping in Gran’s?’

Alicia’s smile faltered as she looked around the familiar room, burnished now in a rich golden glow from the morning sunlight trying to blaze its way through the coppery curtains. It had made sense for her to start using it right away, but even after two nights in her mother’s sumptuous sleigh bed she was still finding it hard to accept that this was all hers now, or that her mother wasn’t going to come through the door at any moment and be startled to find her there. ‘Yes, I am,’ she confirmed.

‘It feels a bit odd, but we’ll soon settle in, all of us.’

‘Yeah, I guess so,’ Darcie said, not sounding at all convinced.

‘You used to love this house when you were younger,’ Alicia reminded her. ‘You’d plead with me to bring you here.’

‘I know, but we didn’t have to live there then. Not that I mind,’ she added hastily, ‘because it’s a really cool place,
it’s just that it’s going to be a bit different to living in London, and I’ll miss all my friends.’

‘I know, sweetheart,’ Alicia said softly, ‘but you’ll make others, and Verity, or whoever you like, can always come to stay. You can visit them too during the holidays.’

‘Yeah,’ Darcie responded flatly.

She wasn’t stupid, Alicia was thinking, she knew life would move on in London without her, and she’d soon be forgotten, but hopefully, considering her naturally high spirits and easy-going nature, once she was established in her new school she’d be every bit as popular, and happy, as she’d been at St Paul’s.

‘So have you seen Uncle Robert yet?’ Darcie asked, changing the subject.

‘No. He left a message last night saying he’d like to come over today, if I’m free, but it was too late to call him back.’

‘Will Sabrina and Annabelle come with him?’

‘He didn’t mention it,’ Alicia replied. Though Darcie was aware that her mother and Sabrina didn’t get along she had no idea why, and Alicia hoped to keep it that way.

‘I’d like to see Annabelle when I come,’ Darcie said. ‘She always used to be really nice to me, and she is my cousin, after all. Or kind of, anyway.’

Realising how important it was to Darcie to make connections, Alicia said, ‘I’m sure she’ll be happy to see you.’ Even if that were true, Alicia knew Sabrina would probably do her utmost to talk Annabelle out of it, but that thorny little issue was for another day; there was no point troubling herself with it now. ‘Have you spoken to Nat this weekend?’ she asked.

‘Yeah, yesterday afternoon. It sounds as though his work experience went really well. He says he’s looking forward to spending some time with Jolyon next month too, and apparently Summer’s been on his case to go to Italy with her and her family next… Oh, sorry, Mum, I think I have to go. Verity’s dad’s just come back with all the stuff we need for our picnic so I have to help prepare it. Stay cool, OK? I’m really missing you.’

‘I’m missing you too,’ Alicia said, experiencing a powerful urge to wrap her daughter tightly in her arms and never let her go.

‘I’ll call tonight if it’s not too late when we get back. Give my love to Nat – and Summer, if you feel you have to. Definitely to Rachel and Una, and to Uncle Robert. Love you, Mum. Love you, love you, love you.’

‘Same here,’ Alicia whispered, and after waiting for Darcie to ring off she replaced her mobile on the low oak chest that served as a nightstand, and lay back against the pillows.

Her heart felt so full that it was making her breathing shallow, and her muscles were tense as though to keep the building emotions from breaking through her control. The mornings were always the worst, when she woke up with only the vestiges of a disappearing dream on her mind, until the unbearable realisation that her world had fallen apart tore through her heart. Craig had gone. He wasn’t a part of her life any more, and he never would be again. The reality of it was so harsh that she was still struggling to accept it. As each day passed she seemed to miss him more, not less. Not even the mess he’d left her in, or the betrayal, was freeing her from the grip of her longing. She wanted him back so badly that sometimes the effort of forcing herself into the day was almost beyond her. It was how she’d felt during the days and weeks after she’d found out about his affair, only worse, because this time there really was no going back.