Looking for Love (22 page)

How come Dirk epitomised just
what she wanted and yet his kiss didn’t rock her nearly as much as
Ross’s in the barn? When had Ross, the guy who
stood for that platonic
friendship part of her life, now become the one to cause all the
ups and downs that came with infatuation? She’d always clung to
Ross because he meant stability. Romance had often implied the
antithesis of that for her.

Maybe the
night would get better. She still had to warm up to Dirk more. It
had been a while since they’d spent time together.

Several hours
later
,
despite a fun date and another long kiss after seeing her off, she
couldn’t shake the memory of Ross’s kiss and their trip back from
Bethal. Could Ross be the one for her, after all?

“
No.” She shouted at her bathroom mirror while she brushed her
teeth. “No, he can’t.”

Give Dirk
time
, she
told herself.

For what? Time to make a fool of himself?
Time to keep on pursuing her when she couldn’t give her whole
heart? That’s it. She had to end it with Ross tonight. Forever.
There was no moving forward until she ripped out a huge part of her
soul. She went downstairs to send him an email.

No, that
sucked. She couldn’t end a friendship via an email.

Go over to his place. Even
though it’
s
eleven-thirty.

That would be
tough. If she didn’t do it now, she’d go chicken and then she’d be
in limbo the rest of her life.

After s
lipping on a pair of jeans and a tee,
she took the short drive two roads up to his house. She rang the
bell and bit her lip. Maybe she’d been too impulsive. She should
have waited until the morning.

“
Ella.”

A sleepy Ross opened the door in
boxers and no shirt. She gasped. Since when had his chest filled
out so much and when had he grown so many dark hairs
there? She
swallowed.

“
Um, can I come in?”

“
You okay?”

“
I don’t know.”

He didn’t
speak but put on a light in the dark lounge.

She sank down
in a chair and looked around. “You’ve done it up.”

“
Look nice?”

She nodded.
How could she act all sweet when…

Seeing him now, she couldn’t say
anything. His sleepy face, his gorgeous bod, his concerned frown
all worked to draw out the need for him, the new longing to have
all of him, the horrific confusion and fear. How could she hurt the
only man she’d ever cared for?
Think of something else to say!

“
Um, I can’t sleep. Been worried
about an article in the
Credence
magazine.”

“
What article?”

He sat down
next to her, ridiculously close for her wellbeing and seemingly
oblivious to the effect his nearness now had on her.

“
I didn’t bring it. I should
have.” Lying was the only way to save his heart. “One of my clients
shared how my match had helped her but that she thought it may be
some kind of magic because I wasn’t qualified and how did I match
people up so well? She even did some research and found other
clients that had been well-matched by
Exact Match
.”

He shrugged
and yawned. “I wouldn’t stress too much.”

“
But what if journalists come and
start asking questions? How do I hide
The Album
?”

“
In your wardrobe in your bedroom.”

She laughed.
“You’re so concrete and logical. I mean, how do I hide that I use
another means to match the people?”

“
Just refuse to answer their questions.”

“
That would make it seem more suspect. It will only stir their
curiosity more.”

He yawned again and stretched back. She
drank in his form and her core tightened with need. Oh, a kiss
would be just the right thing to distract her right now. “Gosh, I’m
so sorry to have woken you, Ross.”

He patted her hand, shooting firebrands up
her arm.

“
You know I don’t mind.”

“
Thanks so much. I’d better go.” She stood up before she landed
in his lap.

“
How’s your gran? Heard anything
from her?”

He
rose and his face came far too close for
comfort.

“
She’s good. Getting better every
day. The farm manager came back
, too. One of the containers got spoilt,
though.”

“
It did?”

His voice sounded so husky and
sexy when he was tired.
His lips begged to be kissed. Intense need rose up
within her to feel another kiss like the one in the barn, to
experience that euphoria, that sense of his manliness and closeness
surrounding her. She wanted the fiery touch of his arms around her
mixed with his loving warmth that used to wipe away her
confusion.

But his arms
around me will only make me more confused later.

Yet, her gaze remained fixed on
his mouth. Tingles and heat flooded her. She didn’t think she could
resist any longer. Her brain took the back seat. Her body
won.
She came
up closer and moved to kiss him.

His eyes
opened wide and then he responded instantly, taking her in his
arms.

Oh, idiot! Why
did you do that? You’re supposed to be breaking it off, not
schmoozing. You’re digging yourself a deeper grave. A pit you’ll
never get out of.

His kiss sent sweet light through her
whole being. How good his lips felt, so pure, so needy, so real.
She felt his love. She picked up his intensity and it filled a hole
inside her. Her tongue sought out his and they crushed against each
other, breathless and frantic. This need for him had been brewing
longer than a few weeks. No, she’d wanted him for years. Just one
kiss and it had lit a flame in her that refused to be quenched
until she gave her all.

He pulled her
toward the couch and dropped her gently down on its surface. She
reached out hungry hands to feel his chest. Her hands brushed his
nipples and he gasped. What was she doing?

“
No, Ross. I can’t.” He reached for her hand, but she pulled
away. “I’m sorry I came to you.”

“
You want this as much as I
do.”

His eyes held fire,
anger
, and
need stronger than she’d ever seen in him. Her heart broke because
she knew his love for her made him fully man in her eyes, truly
beautiful, and she could never reciprocate. It was too sweet, too
precious, and too much of a risk to her heart.

“
I have to go.” She rose and
walked to the door.

Go away forever. Yes, that’s the
answer.
She’d
leave town. Find a good reason to get out of there so he couldn’t
come after her. Make a fresh start. Try to forget about him. It was
the only way.

She left and
her heart remained behind in Ross’s troubled eyes as she said
goodbye.

“
What?”

Her four friends looked at her
in the Greek restaurant
where they sat around a basket of freshly baked
buns and blocks of gorgeous butter. She gave each of them a firm
glance, trying to hide the turmoil in her soul. This meant moving
away from them, too. But what else could she do? She’d thrashed it
out for days, losing much sleep and peace, and had finally come to
a decision.

“
I’m relocating. My boss has
found a job for me in
Umhlanga with one of her colleagues.”

None of them said anything for a few
painful seconds. She must admit, she’d nearly dropped the whole
thing, knowing she’d be away from them without their girly dates
and times to chat. But there was no other way to get away from Ross
without ripping his heart out.

“
It’s a promotion. I’ll
earn a much higher
salary and be given perks. Plus I’ll get to help out with the
frames—they have a small frame manufacturing plant right next to
the optometrist and I’ll have a say in some of the designs.” She
knew they’d be all for her moving up in the world.

“
That’s wonderful,” Carol said
with a shaky smile. “You’ve been looking for an opportunity for so
long.”

She didn’t
want to tell them she’d been aware of the position for months but
hadn’t wanted to move out of town. They would be hurt at her
dishonesty on so many levels, but she just couldn’t let them know
the real reason for her impulsiveness.

Pauline busied herself with buttering a
bun, struggling to get the hard block of butter to spread on the
spongy-soft roll. The knife shook and Ella blinked back tears at
her covert display of emotion.

“
I’m going to miss you so much.
It’s just a temporary thing for a couple of years. I mean, you’ve
all been on your stints around the world, except maybe Pauline.
Yet, Pauline, you stayed in Jo’burg for six months. I’ve lived in
this dump for my whole life.”

Really, she wouldn’t mind
staying here. She
despised change. But Ross was forcing her out of the
nest.

Pauline didn’t look up from her roll mess.
“Disaster, that.”

Disaster
, that? Oh, right.
Jo’burg.

“
What about
The Album
?” Andrea didn’t waste time in
getting right to the crunch. She gunned Ella with a firm and
penetrating gaze.

“
I wanted to ask you guys what to
do. I’m keen on ending it. Andrea, you read that article in
the
Credence
magazine. I’m just scared journalists will start asking
probing questions. I won’t know how to handle it. It’s another
reason for leaving. Of course, I’d pay you back all your
investments in the company and your portion of the
profits.”

“
You can’t do that,” Carol said.
“
The
Album
is our
baby. It was going to change the world.”

“
Yes.” Andrea downed some soda.
“You had so many dreams for it. Why are you letting it fall away?
If you’re patient, you’ll earn enough money from
The Album
to quit
work.”

She’d also hoped to do that one
day. Helping people instead of making appointments and answering
phones. Sure, her job did help people
at the optometrist, but she liked to see
the direct results of changed lives.

“
I’m only like
a two-hour drive
away. We can visit often—you can stay with me any time you want to
visit Gateway Shopping Centre. And the business work—you ladies can
still help me with it. We don’t have to live in the same place to
work together. That’s if I keep
The Album
running. I was thinking of using it more
to help people than as a business. I don’t know.”

She caught Andrea’s eye. Fire
spewed out her gaze, her fists clenched onto the edge of the
table
, and
she sighed.

“
It’s all about
self-sabotage
,” her friend said.

“
What are you talking about?”
Once again, she had to defend herself in front of Andrea. Could she
ever make her happy? Even when she took up a promotion as Andrea
had specifically been nagging her to go for, it wasn’t good enough.
Self-sabotage? She sort of knew what that meant. But in her
case?

“
Don’t you see?” Andrea
continued. “Any time something comes up for you that you really
want, you don’t think you’re good enough to take it.
The Album
was your dream come
true but it’s too nice, it satisfies you too much, so you’d better
not set yourself up for disappointment.” Her tone was harsh and she
didn’t back down from laying it out crudely in front of
everyone.

“
I most certainly don’t.” Tears welled up in her
eyes.

Carol took her
hand and squeezed. “Andrea’s just upset because we’ll miss
you.”

“
I’ll miss you too, but I wasn’t like this when you went away
for a while.”

“
It’s more than that.” Pauline eventually looked up and spoke.
“You’re running away from something.”

“
What?” She blinked furiously to
hide the tears which came unbidden. “I’m running
to
something. I’m
looking for a better life.”

How could she keep on lying to
them? They were her friends, the ones who understood her better
than anyone else. Yet, how could she tell them about Ross without
their judgement
? What if they advised her something she couldn’t follow
through with?

“
You have to tell us what’s
happened, Ella.” Pauline wouldn’t let go. “What’s spooked you so
badly? Is it your gran? That magazine article? I mean, I read it
and Jennifer only spoke your highest praise. Paul was the perfect
man for her. We saw what
The Album
showed us for her.”

Ella had been trying to remember how
Jennifer and Paul’s lives had turned out but couldn’t recall a
thing. Had she worked with so many clients that she’d forgotten
their stories?

“
I don’t remember their
pictures,” Carol said. “All I remember is that their relationship
would be successful.”