Looking for Andrew McCarthy (33 page)

‘Okay then.’ The waitress filled up her coffee cup without being asked.

‘So what brought you here then?’ said Ellie, cupping the mug with both hands and inhaling the steam. ‘Oh, that smells good.’

‘Well, you know … I got a big part in a movie. I’m playing a waitress. I’m not actually working, I’m method acting.’

‘Seriously!’

‘Well, durr. No! Some stupid guy.’ She shrugged. ‘With a big mouth and small pants. A three-day wonder, as it turned out.’

‘Yeah?’

‘So I’m stuck here with lousy weather and this crazy East Coast inability to distinguish between “apartment rental” and “extortion”.’

‘Yeah.’

‘Still, there’s Off-Broadway … hey, what’s the matter? You haven’t cheeked me once since you got in here!’

Ellie shrugged.

‘Did you find that fella you came looking for – who was it again? Oh, wasn’t it Rob Lowe? Did you boff him?’

‘No,’ shrugged Ellie. ‘It was Andrew McCarthy.

And,’ she took a deep breath, ‘I am
genuinely
not looking for him any more.’

‘Andrew McCarthy! Of course!’ the waitress sat down opposite her. ‘Of
course
. Why the hell didn’t I put two and two together? Oh, apart from the fact that I didn’t think I was ever going to see
you
again. Andrew McCarthy. Little sweet-faced fella, right?’

‘Yeah?’ said Ellie.

‘Yeah, I think he lives round here … comes in for his coffee most days.’

Ellie attempted to stop choking on her own tongue.

‘You … you’re kidding, aren’t you?’

‘Still looking for him, huh?’

‘Yuh … yuh
huh
.’

‘Well, there you go. Hang around here long enough and you might get lucky.’

‘Can I … can I use your phone …’ burbled Ellie.

‘Sure.’

Ellie left a completely garbled message back at the hotel hollering for the others to join her, then sat back and ordered enough pancakes for a long day. Which, if you’re Ellie, is an awful lot of pancakes.

‘Excuse me, Sir?’

Loxy turned round, embarrassed. He became less embarrassed when he realized he was standing in front of a cop. A bit less embarrassed and a bit more utterly terrified.

‘Uhm, yes?’

‘Can I ask why you’re shouting out “Andrew” now?’

‘Umm.’

Loxy pondered how to explain this to a cop. He was rather more used to policemen than the others, not only through his work, but also because he drove quite a nice car and was used to getting pulled over to have it searched for anything else he wasn’t supposed to be able to afford. And he was never cheeky and he never lied, having realized long ago that these things just made the whole process take a lot longer.

‘We’re looking for the actor Andrew McCarthy, Sir.’

The cop looked him up and down and slowly pulled his handcuffs off his belt.

‘Sir, I’m arresting you …’

‘What!?’ said Loxy, genuinely stunned.

‘… for Stalking in the Fourth Degree. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say may be used against you in a court of law. Do you understand?’

‘Not in the slightest,’ said Loxy, holding out his hands nevertheless.

‘Is that minor with you?’

The cop was indicating Colin, who was watching the proceedings with wonder, rather than fear.

‘Ehm, yes … and he’s not a minor.’

‘Really? And is he also “
looking
” for your actor friend, eh buddy?’ The cop shoved him nastily on the arm.

‘Yes.’

‘Shall I run away?’ piped up Colin directly to Loxy.

‘
Noo
,’ groaned Loxy. ‘Although once we’re out of this, I’d recommend running
very
quickly away from me.’

After dancing frenziedly for half an hour, Arthur and Julia had escaped, giggling, into the calm and serenity of the Guggenheim Museum.

‘Holly was
definitely
after you,’ said Julia.

‘Yeah,’ said Arthur, gazing fixedly at the pictures. ‘Just not my type, I guess.’

‘I thought
everyone
was meant to be your type,’ said Julia teasingly.

Arthur reddened and smiled at the ground. Julia nudged him.

‘Give it up,’ she said.

‘Give what up?’

‘You know … admit to the world that you’re an old pipe and slippers gent at heart.’

‘I am
not
.’

‘Uh huh.’

They wandered up the spiral walkway. Arthur looked at her.

‘Well, you give it up.’

‘Give what up?’

‘Pretending that you don’t know the answer to your own question.’

Julia stared into the atrium.

‘You know.’ She took a deep breath. ‘Until a couple of days ago … when Ellie crashed the car and kind of came to her senses … well, you know, I hadn’t actually finally given up all hope of meeting Andrew McCarthy. And there was a tiny – the
tiniest
bit of me thought he might be able to help. I know it sounds stupid. But I feel like I’ve given up all hope of ever really knowing what to do about Loxy.’

‘Uh huh,’ said Arthur, studying a particularly elongated nude.

‘What do you mean by
that
particular
uh huh
? And I don’t think you’re meant to touch that bit.’

‘But it’s so
long …
well, I mean, come on Jules. Fair enough to expect a space cadet like the Hedgehog to want to get her life advice from an actor, but I didn’t think it of you.’

Stung, Julia walked on.

‘Well, it wasn’t advice
as such …
just …’

‘I mean, how many good, loyal, faithful, interesting, trustworthy guys with nice arses are going to ask you to marry them anyway?’

‘Not many,’ said the attendant. ‘Sir, would you mind not touching that? It makes it all shiny.’

‘Exactly,’ said Arthur. ‘To both things.’

‘I know. I know. I know,’ said Julia. ‘It’s just … he’s such a wimp …’

‘Can you get us a brief?’ Loxy was saying in his best Prisoner’s Advocate voice as they walked through the precinct door.

‘And I’ll need a phone call. And then you can tell us what this damned stupid charge actually is, and then we can explain it and you can send us on our way. Okay?’

‘I love your accent,’ said the cop.

‘… and he’s all over me all the time, like he just can’t leave me alone …’

‘Colin, don’t make me come over there. I’m only telling you once.’

Colin was attempting to imitate the ‘Wanted’ posters on the wall.

‘Right, let’s get this sorted out. Best start with me.’

‘Is that the worst you can think of to say about him?’ said the attendant. ‘What’s his number? I’ll have him. And Sir, I won’t tell you again.’

They passed into a room covered in Pollocks that seemed to jump crazily from one canvas to another.

Julia stood stock still in the middle of the room for thirty seconds.

‘Arthur,’ she said suddenly, turning round, her eyes full of tears. ‘Have I been a complete and utter wombat?’

Arthur came up to her gently and put his arm around her.

‘Of course you have,’ he said, squeezing her tight.

‘But … what if it’s too late?’

‘I think if he’s been crazy about you for two years, a few weeks isn’t going to make a difference.’

‘Oh my God –
what
if I’d got off with that stupid surfer boy?’

‘Well, don’t worry about it, because you didn’t. Anyway, you just couldn’t bear the thought of anyone not fancying you for a change.’

‘Christ, yeah.’ She looked embarrassed. ‘Well, they normally do.’

‘I know. But, one day you just have to say, “let ’em. I’ve got mine”.’

‘Oh Arthur.’ She wiped her nose. ‘Oh God, sorry … was that your sleeve?’

‘Again, don’t worry about it,’ said Arthur, mentally allowing himself three free angel points.

‘I have to go and phone him right away.’ She pulled away agitatedly, and started rummaging in her pockets for change. ‘I can get him on the mobile, even if he’s at the prison. I just phone the British number and …’

‘Okay.’

She stopped faffing suddenly and looked up.

‘Oh my God – you know what this means? I’m getting MARRIED!’

‘I know!’

‘I’M GETTING MARRIED!’

She jumped up and down and Arthur spun her around in a hug.

‘Don’t they make the
loveliest
couple,’ said one of the other attendants.

‘Oh Jesus,’ said Siobhan. ‘Lox, why did you phone
me
?’

‘Well, I don’t know, do I? You’re the only person who knows where I am. And why I’m here. Because I, personally, have pretty much forgotten why I’m here.’

‘You should have phoned the consul.’

‘What for? You’re acting like I’ve got four pounds of heroin up my jacksie. Which I
haven’t
–’ he glanced crossly at the duty sergeant, who was trying to pretend not to eavesdrop.

‘But Lox, they haven’t phoned – I don’t know where they are. I’m so sorry, I just don’t know what to do … ugh …’

‘Hang on a second – are you having
sex
?’

‘Loxy, I …’

‘I’m going to prison and you’re having
sex
???’

‘I don’t think I could help you any more if I wasn’t …’

But he had already hung up.

‘Come on then Sir.’

Loxy wearily started taking off his coat and indicated to Colin that he should do the same. Suddenly, his mobile rang.

The desk sergeant reached inside the coat, picked it out and pressed the ‘on’ switch.

‘Yes! Yes! Yes!’ could be heard distinctly around the precinct lobby.

‘I think,’ he said, passing it back to Loxy, ‘it’s your friend that’s having sex again.’

‘We’re all clear for now,’ the officer in SoHo heard on his radio. ‘Keep an eye on him, but I don’t think the girls will prove so much of a problem. I think he’s got a message to them anyway; there’s certainly a lot of screaming going on.’

Andrew II noticed all the police and wondered what the hell was going on. This was getting stranger and stranger. He hoped the girls remembered that American policemen had guns.

‘You’re in
New York
!!!’ Julia was so over the moon she didn’t even stop to question whether it might not be to see her.

‘I’ve got to see you.’

‘Ah,’ said Loxy. ‘That might be a problem. You see, we’ve been arrested.’

‘Oh my God.’

Arthur held Julia up while she went weak at the knees.

‘Who’s “we”?’ he whispered, urgently.

‘Who’s with you?’ said Julia. ‘Oh my God. Why have you been arrested? What have you done!?’

Loxy tried as well as he could to explain, interrupted
by Julia’s ‘oh my god’s.

‘They think you’re
stalking him
? But that’s what
we
were doing.’

‘You may want to have said that a little quieter.’

The cops were gathered around the phone.

‘It doesn’t matter. We’re coming to get you anyway. We can explain it all then. I’m sure they’ll understand.’

Loxy sighed and held up his hands.

‘Don’t worry,’ yelled Colin, ‘I can pay for bail with Siobhan’s gold card.’

‘We’ve got them all,’ said the police radio. ‘You don’t need to keep him under surveillance any more.’

‘They’ve got them all!’ said the women at the agency. ‘Quick! Get the photographers down to the precinct immediately. And stand by to phone him for quotes. If you can’t get any, just come straight back to me. This is a BUST!’

Andrew II, feeling increasingly stupid, waited till the police were out of sight, and the door to the building had opened and closed. Unsure of whether to follow the policemen or the actor, he decided on the latter, bearing in mind the whole who had a gun issue.

The slightly-built man in the smart grey overcoat paused on his way for coffee, shook his head at the rather ridiculous events of his last couple of days, then pushed his way onwards through the biting wind.

Ellie sat nursing her fifth cup. The waitress had moved her onto decaffeinated very early on. Her stomach was churning nonetheless. She thought over all the questions she would have asked him in her bedroom, but they seemed so stupid now – all, ‘should I keep my brace in at night or secretly take it out?’ or, ‘should I be using both hands for this?’ I mean, what was he going to think, confronted with her, thirty years old, freezing, wet through, a complete stranger in a shop asking him to sort her life out? She groaned
in anticipated embarrassment, then got up to go and check herself in the bathroom.

Her wild curly hair had turned frizzy in the wet, and she pulled it back with a large scrunchie. Her cheeks were also very pink from the sudden change in temperature, and the knowledge of what was coming, but that didn’t look too bad – it made her look younger, at least. She wiped away the mascara debris from underneath her eyes, reapplied it and whacked on some cherry-coloured lipstick. She’d looked a lot worse. She’d looked a lot better.