Let's Call the Whole Thing Off (12 page)

Dinner? Now what did that mean. exactly; a greasy burger from the van on the seafront, a bowl of pasta from the Italian on the corner or something altogether more swanky? My running-away wardrobe consisted of a couple of pairs of jeans, some faded T-shirts and my favourite grey baggy hoodie, which might just do for the greasy burger option, but wouldn’t really cut it when it came to the other possibilities.

No, I’d have to pick up something to wear. Something cheap but vaguely restaurant-ish. If Dave had gone to the trouble of inviting me out to dinner the least I could do was turn up in something semi-respectable.

I sighed, thinking of my honeymoon wardrobe back at home already neatly packed away in my matching set of brand-new suitcases. Along with the newly purchased bikinis, sarongs, kaftans and flip-flops, there were a couple of simple cotton shift dresses that would have been perfect for tonight. Only I hadn’t planned on going on a date a couple of days before my wedding and so my lovely new clothes were left neglected and abandoned back at the flat and I was left neglected and abandoned in Hollisea. I wondered if I would ever get to wear them now in the capacity for which they were intended: wafting around a sun-kissed beach in a state of post-wedding euphoric bliss. Somehow I doubted it.

Still, that really was of no concern to me now, I thought, as I wandered out of the hotel and along the seafront, which was very nice if a bit breezy, and as far removed from the Maldives as I imagined it was possible to get. I zipped up my hoodie, feeling the wind biting at my cheeks.

I thought of Ben, which, disturbingly, I’d been doing with increasing regularity these last few days. If only I’d listened to him and stayed at the cottage then I would never have had to step way out of my comfort zone and deal with scary non-dates with a strange, but compellingly enigmatic man.

Being with Ben seemed all too appealing now; he was easy, familiar and comfortable to be around, although I’d have probably gone and done something stupid like making another pass at him. Maybe that’s what this was all about. Perhaps I was just craving the affirmation from another man that I was still an attractive woman. Ed clearly hadn’t thought so.

Last night, unexpectedly, Dave had ignited a spark within me that had made me feel alive and funny and beautiful.

Like Ben, he’d been so easy to talk to and even easier to kiss, and yet I didn’t really know the first thing about him. I was still puzzling over what he might be importing and exporting and what he did and who he did it with when he wasn’t in Hollisea. But did any of that matter? In a few days’ time I would never have to see Dave again. Perhaps this was Fate playing her hand. Ed had given into his desires and had a fling. Why couldn’t I do the same with Dave? Would that give us a clean slate from which Ed and I could start all over again?

I sighed, random thoughts assaulting my brain. To be honest, there was a squidgeon of uncertainty in the depths of my stomach about Dave, something I couldn’t quite put my finger on. He was lovely and charming, obviously, but Ben’s words of caution, not to do anything stupid, were sounding between my ears.

I’d never met anyone like Dave before. His masculine physicality was a distraction admittedly; just the sheer size of him and the overpowering stench of testosterone made me all a flutter, but it was more than that. He handled himself with a confidence and self-assuredness that intrigued me, that had me all a-wondering. If I didn’t know better then it would be easy to imagine him as some kind of gangster or someone who had some shady connections at the very least. Perhaps he was a drug dealer. My heart plummeted at the thought. He looked just like a drug dealer! Not that I’d met any drug dealers before but if I was casting one for my next film then Dave would be absolutely perfect for the part.

I walked up the hill, away from the seafront and towards the shops, trying to banish the silly thoughts. I knew I was being ridiculous. The upheaval of the last few days was making me fanciful. I mean, I didn’t even know what I was doing here mooching around the coast when I should have been at home sorting out the mess that was my life. My mood swung between the deepest despair to unbridled optimism for the future, underlined all the time by a heavy sadness in the pit of my stomach that refused to lift.

Still, I just needed to get things into perspective. Tonight I was going on a lovely non-date with a charming man; it was hardly an appointment with a mass murderer. And I certainly wouldn’t do anything stupid like going back to Dave’s hotel or getting in his car, so there was nothing to worry about on that front. Absolutely nothing. I was a grown woman, not a naïve teenager. I knew how to handle myself amongst experienced men-about-town, whatever they did for a living. I was just out of practice, that was all.

I went into the first boutique that I came across. I realised only too late once I was inside the shop that none of the dresses had price tags on, which even to a high-street girl like myself was a bad sign. Still, maybe the dress would do for the honeymoon Maldives as well. Twenty minutes later I came out with two new dresses, a cream clutch bag, a long twirly necklace that reached my belly button and a pair of black strappy high heels. I still had no idea what I might wear tonight but I was feeling a whole lot happier about the prospect.

***

‘Oh, someone’s been busy!’ Mandy, a tray of tea and toast in one hand, eyed my carrier bags gleefully and ushered me inside the café. ‘I must say you look a bit better than you did yesterday. There’s a seat over there in the corner. Go and sit yourself down and I’ll fix you a cup of coffee and a rocky road. I’ll be over when I’ve got a moment.’

I nodded and smiled. Was it really only yesterday that I’d come here for the first time? It seemed as if I’d been coming here for a lifetime. The way Mandy greeted me she could have been my oldest friend and even Bob’s unseen but solid presence in the kitchen was warmly reassuring.

The café was busy, the clientele a mix of holidaymakers, workmen and mums with babies. The scent of coffee and frying bacon mingled in the air, cutting through the quiet hum of conversation. I was happy to sit alone, sipping on my cappuccino and nibbling on what were frankly the most delicious rocky roads I’d ever eaten as I watched all the other customers going about their daily business.

Everything seemed so normal. There was no hint of any life-changing disasters in the microcosm of society in the café. I felt like banging my spoon against the side of my coffee cup, standing on the table and asking for everyone’s attention.
Excuse me, ladies and gentlemen, please. Sorry to interrupt your morning cuppa, but I’m just doing my own little survey here. Would you mind telling me if any of you are suffering from your own personal heartbreak? Have you recently been dumped, deceived or betrayed? Hands up! Does your heart feel as though it’s been ripped out and tossed aside on the floor? Or is that only me?

I sighed and sucked the froth from my spoon. I think I already knew the answer to my question. Looking around, everyone else seemed to be living their own personal version of ‘Happy Ever After’ whereas I’d been given the script for the alternative horror movie version.

Still, there were worse places to be miserable than in this cosy little café, even if I was surrounded by smugly satisfied others. I was doing a pretty good job too of studiously avoiding my phone, even if it meant me having to sit on my twitching fingers to stop them reaching inside my handbag and grabbing the damn thing. Perhaps if I gave the impression that I was a busy and popular person who had lots of people trying to contact her then I wouldn’t feel quite so out-of-place, but really, who cared what Ed and Sophie thought or if they were even thinking about me at all? If they’d been that concerned about my well-being then they would never have done what they did in the first place.

Just when I was about to drown myself in my coffee, Mandy came over and sat down opposite me.

‘So, come on then, show me what you’ve been buying?’

I pulled out the dresses and held them up for inspection. Mandy’s eyes lit up in approval.

‘What’s this, then? A going-away outfit?’

‘Oh no, I’ve got a perfectly good one of those at home. I needed something for tonight. I left home in such a hurry that I only brought jeans and T-shirts. It’s mad, I know, but I’m meeting a guy tonight for dinner.’

Mandy laid a hand on mine.

‘A date?’ She leant across the table, her mouth curling in an expression of disbelief. ‘How come?’

I tried to quash the feeling that I was a teenage girl reporting into her mother and shifted in my seat, looking Mandy straight in the eye. I had nothing to apologise for, I told myself repeatedly. I was a grown woman.

‘No, no, not a date exactly.’ A feeling of déjà vu swept over me. ‘Just a friends type of thing.’ I cringed. Mandy narrowed her eyes. ‘That gig last night at the Hollybush? Oh, it was great fun. I met this guy called Dave. We got chatting and it turns out he’s here on business for a couple of days too and so we decided it might be nice to get together over dinner.’

‘I see,’ she said, not even attempting to hide her disapproval. ‘And I’m supposing you told him about the nature of your business here in Hollisea.’

Mandy was doing a very good impersonation of being my mother.

I narrowed my eyes and cringed some more.

‘Not exactly. It’s not the sort of thing you drop into conversation when you first meet someone, is it? Especially not to a gorgeous beefcake of a man. That you’ve just been dumped by another member of the male species from a great height.’

‘It’s nothing to be ashamed of. Besides, you didn’t have any problems in telling me.’

‘Yes, but that was different. I knew I could trust you. That you wouldn’t judge me.’ I raised my eyebrows at her to check I’d got that right.

Mandy laughed.

‘Of course I’m not going to judge you but I don’t want to see you getting hurt, that’s all. Well, not any more hurt than you are already.’

She’d hit the nail on the head. Amongst all those other emotions I’d been wrestling with, I felt a sense of shame. As though all of this was my fault. There had to be something terribly wrong with me for my fiancé to be cheating on me even before we’d had the wedding.

I gave a wry smile. I wasn’t even sure it was possible to feel more pain. I was all pained out. Someone could stick pins in me and I wouldn’t feel anything.

‘I just wonder if you shouldn’t sort out all your problems at home before going out on dates with strange men. If it was me whose engagement had just been broken off, I don’t think I’d be thinking straight. But you can’t just stick your head in your sand and pretend nothing has happened. It will only make matters worse. Really, lovie, what are you doing here? Why don’t you go home and speak to your fiancé and your mum and work out what it is you’re going to do.’

For a moment I wondered if it wouldn’t have been better if I hadn’t told Mandy about the break-up. If I shouldn’t have just given her the whole Persephone routine and then we could have had a normal conversation about the weather and the price of coal or, probably more likely, the price of jewellery, Persephone being a jewellery designer and all that, and we could have laughed carefreely instead of speaking in hushed tones as though someone had died, which I suppose in my heart Ed had. Still it was too late for that now and I suspected, looking into Mandy’s probing brown eyes, that it might have been impossible to lie to her anyway. She had an in-built bullshit detector. I could feel it pulsating from her body.

No, I couldn’t blame Mandy for being concerned; it was just that I didn’t really want a reminder of the remnants of my life back at home. Here, for a couple of days at least, I could pretend to be someone else and forget all about the problems I wasn’t ready to face just yet.

I’d come here to try to forget about Ed and Sophie, but who was I kidding? Even without Mandy’s gentle probing I couldn’t get away from the fact that everything in my life had shifted and things would never be the same again. And that’s what saddened me. My life had been pretty much close to being perfect; okay, my job wasn’t the one of my dreams but it was a job, I had a best friend who loved me, a boyfriend who adored me and the future, I thought, looked rosy. And now it didn’t. I’d been living one big thumping lie and I’d been too dumb to see what was going on under my nose. The ground beneath my feet had slipped away and I had nothing left to cling onto.

‘Of course I’m going home. I know I’ve got to do that – to speak to Ed – but I just can’t face it yet.’ I felt my chin do that uncharacteristic wobble thing that it had been making a bad habit of doing these last couple of days and I blinked away a rogue tear. ‘I don’t know how I’ll feel when I see him, Mandy, or what I’ll say. It’s almost as if, if I don’t go and see him, there’s a part of me that can still believe that none of this has happened. That’s stupid, right?’

‘No, not stupid, Anna. Perfectly understandable, I’d say. Well, you know your own heart best, love, but I’m here for you if you need to come and chat. Anytime.’

‘Thanks, Mandy.’ I looked across the table at the older woman whose kindly eyes were fanned in tiny creases. She had a lovely open face but her features were washed with weariness. Her faded blonde hair was tied back in a ponytail with small wiry curls sprouting from the fabric band. ‘You’re okay, aren’t you?’ I asked, feeling a niggle of concern.

‘Oh, I’m fine. A bit tired, that’s all.’ She wiped her brow with her forearm, looking self-conscious to have the attention turned on her. ‘You’re on your feet all day in this job so when you do get a chance to sit down it makes you realise how exhausted you are. We could do with a holiday ourselves, but it’s just coming up to the peak season so I can’t see that happening anytime soon. I think, though, this will be our last summer here. We’ve had a terrific five years running this place, but we’re both at that point where we want to take things a bit easier.’

‘What would you do instead?’

‘Buy a little bungalow here by the sea. Do some gardening, get a dog we could take for walks on the beach. We both like to read, but don’t have much time for that at the moment. There’d be plenty we could fill our time with.’