Keeping Your Cool…When Your Anger Is Hot!: Practical Steps to Temper Fiery Emotions (22 page)

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Authors: June Hunt

BOOK: Keeping Your Cool…When Your Anger Is Hot!: Practical Steps to Temper Fiery Emotions
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2. Perfectionist Patty
Someone once remarked, “Perfectionists are the only people on earth who fail 100 percent of the time.” At first glance, this statement seems absurd. After all, no group of people works harder at success than perfectionists. They take pride in their high standards and never rest in the quest for excellence.
Failure? Not an option for the perfectionist.
But look again, and you’ll see a tragic truth in the saying. By definition, perfectionism is a pattern of thinking that demands all areas of life be flawless. Anything less than perfect is unacceptable.
Take Perfectionist Patty, who
never
accomplishes precisely what she sets out to do. Why? Because flawless perfection in this world is always an unattainable fantasy. It can’t be had at any price. Her achievements may be excellent or optimal—but they are never always
perfect
. Therefore, she can’t help but feel like a failure.
If Perfectionist Patty fails to understand this crucial fact, she is doomed to spend life chasing a mirage, running ever harder and faster to win a prize that doesn’t exist. No matter what she achieves in life, it will never be good enough.
And
that
is a ticking time bomb—one that is ready to detonate from unavoidable repeated defeat.
Of course, if you are a demanding perfectionist, who are you most likely to blame for your constant frustration and failure? That’s right—yourself! You’ll conclude you simply
are
a failure, and imagine God judging you as harshly as you judge yourself. And then you become consumed by your own self-diagnosed insufficiency.
But let’s be clear: God doesn’t share our illusions of human perfection. He knows better than anyone that His children are a work in progress and always will be. As Isaiah 40:6-8 tells us:
“All men are like grass,
and all their glory is like the flowers of the field.
The grass withers and the flowers fall,
because the breath of the LORD blows on them.
Surely the people are grass.
The grass withers and the flowers fall,
but the word of our God stands forever.”
Oliver Wendell Holmes once said, “The secret of my success is that at an early age I discovered I was not God.”
2
3. Condemnation Carl
Perhaps you live at the opposite end of the spectrum, among people who need no evidence that they’ll never be perfect. Maybe you are painfully aware of your seemingly innumerable flaws already. That’s because barely a minute goes by when you aren’t reminded of them by a relentless critic—your own thoughts. It is as if a two-bit judge has set up court in your mind, banging the gavel all day long and handing out harsh verdicts left and right.
• Lost your car keys?
Bang! You haven’t got the brains of a turnip!
• Burned the lasagna?
Bang! You are a sorry excuse for a cook!
• Ate a donut in the break room at work?
Bang! You are a glutton!
• Had a lustful thought?
Bang! You’re a lukewarm hypocrite!
• Tripped over the rug?
Bang! You’re a klutz!
The point is, we take a lot of abuse from inside our own heads—perhaps far more than we would if someone were following us around shouting insults.
And if you grew up with a critical parent, it may be especially difficult for you to tune out the voice of condemnation in your conscience.
This daily torrent of negativity can lead to self-blame, self-loathing, and self-combustion. Such all-consuming anger can’t help but singe and scorch those nearby.
Freedom lies in asking yourself,
Is this the way God sees me? Are these labels He would attach to me: loser, moron, failure, rotten, hopeless?
The answer is obvious: Never! His thoughts toward His children are rooted in His unfathomable love. The proof is in His sacrifice for your sake. This is how the Bible describes His love for you:
“This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us…This then is how we know that we belong to the truth, and how we set our hearts at rest in his presence whenever our hearts condemn us. For God is greater than our hearts, and he knows everything”
(JOHN 3:16,19-20).
Anytime the voice of condemnation in your conscience berates you, answer it with scriptures describing God’s view of you.
Anytime the voice of condemnation in your conscience berates you, answer it with scriptures describing God’s view of you. In the light of His Word, hateful “self-inflicted flames” will dissipate and a strong sense of self-worth will emerge. Let God’s exclamations of love drown out those whispers of accusation and condemnation.
The Importance of Seeing Yourself Through God’s Eyes
A few days after
Hope for the Heart
began airing on March 3, 1986, I received a letter dated March 11—a letter I still have to this day. I’ve kept it because it’s the voice of countless others who struggle with low self-esteem and who have no idea of their value to the One who created them and died for them.
The letter was from a former high school beauty queen who grew up with a father who repeatedly told her, “You’ll never amount to anything. You’re nothing!” And a boyfriend who berated, “You dingbat… you miserable slut!” I remember hurting for her as I read the letter.
She was writing to say she felt like she had little value. Although she had become a Christian, the tapes from the past kept replaying in her mind.
In the providence of God, she married a man who was, in her own words, “a wonderful, fruit-bearing Christian.” Then she wrote, “But he has the same problem.” Ending her letter, she asked, “Could you help us?”
My first thought was,
I wish I could have a month with her, going over what it means to have her identity in Christ.
But that wasn’t possible, so I immediately drafted a response reassuring her of Christ’s presence in her life, of her being a new creation in Him, and of the transforming work being done by His Spirit living within her.
And then I spent what spare time I had over the next three years mining the Scriptures and studying what it means to have our
identity in Christ
—what He did for us through His death, burial, and resurrection; what He does for us day by day, month by month, year by year; and what He will do for us when we die.
My study culminated in writing a 31-day devotional,
Seeing Yourself Through God’s Eyes
. The concept is simple. I thought,
If it takes 21 days to form a habit, 31 days should be long enough to form a new belief about how God views us.
This is now our ministry’s best-selling book and has been translated into over 20 languages. Why is it so vital we know our identity in Christ? If we don’t know who we are, then we don’t know our resources, we don’t know our purpose, we don’t know our inheritance, and we don’t know our destiny. It is like living with amnesia. Just imagine not knowing who you are!
The Only Defense for Lies Is Truth
Not knowing who we are as Christians makes us easy prey for those who would fill our heads and hearts with lies about our value and worth. The only effective defense for lies is truth. If you know the truth, you will be set free from the lies. God loves you and established your worth by dying for you—now that is the truth!
4. No-Chance Charlie
Poor Charlie Brown. Right now, I can hear him sigh, “There is no heavier burden than great potential.”
Poor, frustrated Charlie—there’s no chance he will succeed. He is considered the classic example of “the great American unsuccess story” because he seems to fail at everything. No one expects him to win anything.
It’s easy to see poor No-Chance Charlie standing on the pitcher’s mound with his well-worn baseball cap and glove and a forlorn look in his eyes. Everyone who’s read the
Peanuts
comic strip knows why this scene is so poignant—Charlie Brown has never won a game. His potential for greatness is still only an abstract possibility.
Maybe you know how that feels. Most of us begin life with great expectations of ourselves and the possibility of grand accomplishments that lie ahead. Potential is a powerful force that can indeed propel us to do great things.
But what happens when, like Charlie Brown, you don’t achieve all you expected of yourself? When the very dreams that lifted you skyward become a burdensome weight pulling you down?
Many people—along with Charlie—get angry about that.
They don’t have the wealth they wished for, the house they hoped for, the recognition they reached for, the love they longed for, the position they prayed for, the years they yearned for. Their teenagers are in trouble, their marriage is miserable, and their physical health is failing.
So…they blame themselves.
What’s wrong with me? How could I have squandered my potential?
The fact is, life happens! And you are to yield your will to God’s will—to let your plans be based on His plans, which have nothing to do with earthly accumulations, accolades, and achievements.
When His purpose includes hardship and disappointment—as it so often does—the Bible tells us to consider ourselves fortunate because reward is coming: “Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him.”
3
Although No-Chance Charlie is considered a loveable loser, there’s nothing loveable in God’s eyes about always losing. In fact, God intends for us to utilize the gifts and talents He has given us, and then leave the results to Him. He desires for us to offer our potential in humble service to Him, not use it as an excuse to beat ourselves with angry self-recrimination.
Your Value to God: He Paid the Ultimate Price for You
My brother’s family was excited about moving into their new home. The carpet was down, the curtains were up, and the furniture was in. Only a few remaining items needed to be moved.
Then in the early morning just before the family was to take up residence, a fire broke out and their possessions went up in flames. Personal items, precious mementos, and priceless pictures—all were lost.
When I arrived at the house’s charred frame, I had expected to see Ray and Nancy Ann. Instead, to my horror, I learned they had gone to the homes of two firemen who had lost their lives in the blaze. The cry of all our hearts was,
If only they could have been saved!
Only against such a tragic backdrop can we fully grasp the significance of salvation.
Firefighters especially understand the gravity of life and death—of what it means to be saved.
Saved…who wouldn’t want to be saved? Obviously, the word
saved
implies being saved
from something.
If only every person could comprehend what Scripture says they can be saved from: a present life of emptiness, the void of not being all that God created them to be, and a future destiny of fiery, eternal torment. Who wouldn’t want to be rescued from such a destiny?
Recently I visited the fire station at Love Field Airport in Dallas to learn what is necessary to know in order to save lives. Jay (the husband of one of our ministry team) and his fellow firefighters shared numerous points that can be applied to spiritual salvation.
Specifically I asked, “What is most important for firefighters?” Immediately, a firefighter named Langley responded, “Safety training.” The truth is, we all need to know the safety plan—from God’s point of view.

 

What Is God’s Safety Plan?
God has a plan and purpose for us. He says, “I know the plans I have for you…plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”
4
Unfortunately, we have all chosen to go against God’s perfect plan. This is what the Bible calls
sin
.
Firefighters say: “Our number one enemy is not fire, not heat, but toxic gases!”
Sin is the equivalent of toxic fumes—deadly. The word
sin
refers to anything outside of God’s perfect will—both in attitude and action. Interestingly, The letter
i
is the middle letter of the word
sin
—as in, “I am going to do what I want to do when I want to do it.” Sin is living independently of God—perhaps still as a “good person,” yet independently of God.
Firefighters say: “Don’t get separated from your partner.”
The problem with sin is this: The Bible says sin
separates
us from God. “Your [sins] have separated you from your God
.
”
5
The Bible also says we’ve all sinned and fallen short of God’s standard of perfection.
6
Most people want to live in heaven, but that’s impossible when our sin separates us from God.
Firefighters say: “Our greatest pain is failing to save someone’s life.”
The firefighters shared this scripture with me: “Be merciful to those who doubt; snatch others from the fire and save them; to others show mercy, mixed with fear—hating even the clothing stained by corrupted flesh” (Jude 22-23).
But here we all have another problem: The Bible says the payment for our sin is “death.”
7
Not only physical death but spiritual death, which means eternal separation from God. Now, God doesn’t want us separated from Him. He says His desire is that none should perish.
8
He even provided the solution—John 3:16 says, “God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.”
Firefighters say: “Our proudest moment is saving someone’s life
.
”
Like a firefighter, Jesus is our Savior, our Rescuer. He can save anyone from the flames…and the fumes. That is the
why
of Jesus Christ. He came literally to die on the cross to pay the penalty you would otherwise have to pay for your sins.
9
(By the way, Jesus didn’t die a victim…He said, “No one takes it [My life] from me,” and “I give [my] life as a ransom for many.”)
10
You can break free from any harmful habit, including a life dominated by inappropriate anger.
Jesus, who is God, came to earth and lived a perfect life. He chose to take our sins—past, present, and future—onto Himself at the cross. If we humble our hearts and ask Him to come into our lives as our Lord and Savior, giving Him control of our lives, He will forgive us of
all
our sins.
Firefighters say: “Don’t stop a firefighter from doing his job.”
When it comes to tearing down your wall or hacking through your door, the firefighter’s way is right.
Realize that Jesus’ death is the
only
sacrifice that could open up the way to eternal life. He said, “I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.”
11
God created us to spend eternity with Him. This is the eternal benefit that results from our decision to accept Christ’s offer of salvation. And the amazing fact is that this salvation is a
free
gift—but it is not cheap, for it cost Christ His life. Salvation is free because He paid for it.
Firefighters say: “Close the door on the fire.”
When you are fleeing a room that is on fire, close the door behind you.
Jesus will empower you to close the door on your anger.
12
Simply put, it doesn’t matter what negative patterns you’ve developed from the past. You can break free from
any
harmful habit, including a life dominated by inappropriate anger. And that’s not all. When you are in heaven, you will be forever “saved” from the very presence of sin.
Firefighters say: “Put the wet on the red.”
“Put the wet on the red” means aim the hose at the hottest part of the fire.
Jesus knows how to put living water on your red-hot anger. He said, “Whoever believes in me, as the Scripture has said, streams of living water will flow from within him.”
13
It is Jesus living through you who enables real and lasting victory over anger.
Firefighters say: “Stop, drop, and roll.”
If you are on fire, don’t run, because you will fan the flames. You are to stop, drop, and roll. God wants you to cease your self-effort and simply stop and accept His gift of salvation. If you believe Jesus Christ is the risen Son of God and are willing to receive as your personal Lord and Savior…
•
Stop!
Stop running (your own life). The Bible says, “Come back to your senses as you ought, and stop sinning; for there are some who are ignorant of God.”
14
•
Drop!
Bow your head; humble your heart. “Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up.”
15
•
Roll!
Roll away the stone guarding your heart and give Jesus control of your life. He said, “I will give them an undivided heart and put a new spirit in them; I will remove from them their heart of stone and give them a heart of flesh
.
”
16
If you believe God is leading you to enter into a life-changing relationship with Him, you can do that right now by praying…
My Salvation Prayer
“
God, I want a real relationship with You.
I admit that many times I’ve chosen to go my own way instead
of Your way.
Please forgive me for my sins.
Jesus, thank You for dying on the cross to pay the penalty for
my sins and for rising from the grave.
Come into my life to be my Lord and my Savior.
I give You control of my life.
Change me inside out and make me the person
You created me to be.
In Your holy name I pray. Amen.
”
If you sincerely prayed this prayer, look what Jesus says has happened to you: “Whoever hears my word and believes him who sent me has eternal life and will not be condemned; he has crossed over from death to life.”
17
God never intended for you to be consumed by the punishing flames of anger. Jesus paid the ultimate price so that you can be forever free, saved, healed, and whole. Only a God of love can give us a life of such beauty in exchange for our ashes.
18
Backdraft: An Explosion in Waiting
Here is a word sure to command a firefighter’s attention:
backdraft
.
Of all the conditions faced upon entering a burning building, a backdraft is among the most dangerous. It occurs when fire has consumed most of the oxygen in an enclosed room, depriving the flames of an essential ingredient. But that doesn’t mean the heat dissipates.

 

On the contrary, the space fills with other types of gases that are extremely hot, just waiting for a fresh supply of oxygen to get things moving again. Open a door or break a window, and—
boom!

 

Fortunately, there are warning indicators that can signal the possibility of a backdraft: colored smoke, excessive soot on the ground, and windows that appear brown or black from the outside.

 

Sometimes the dark conditions in the human heart are also just right to ignite explosive anger—painful conditions such as continual injustice with no resolution or blatant betrayal from one you trusted. There are always warning signs along the way.

 

Learn to read them—and heed them—and take evasive action long before you
blow.

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