Japanese Slang (30 page)

Just as the slangiest English expressions for vagina have histories that stretch back to early medieval times (“cunt,” 1300s, “twat,” 1500s), many of modern Japan's earthier equivalents are just as ancient. The largest body of taboo words to have survived the centuries unscathed is the shellfish group. Words like
kai
(shell),
yohamaguri
(night clam),
yakihamaguri
(baked clam),
kani
(crab), and the coarser
kegani
(hairy crab), can be heard sweeping through heated discussions in late-night sushi dives, early-morning fish markets, and all the rougher downtown bars and groggeries. The shellfish words, many find, are especially useful when a specific type of vagina is brought up.
Karasugai
(fresh-water mussel shell), for instance, is used when a woman has very dense pubic hair;
karasugai
literally means “raven shell.” The clam
(hamaguri)
is a large organ with a strong sphincter, while the corbicula shell
(shijimi)
and the surf clam
(shiofuki)
are both small and tight.
(Shiofuki,
“salt spray,” is also the jet of water that a whale spouts,
which has given it its second slang meaning of “hefty spurts of sperm.”)

•   
Omae kanojo ni sake ogottara, sukunakutomo kai sawarashite moraeru ze.
If you're buying her a drink she should at least let you feel her shell.

•   
Atashi sanfujinka no shinsatsu daikirai! Hamaguri ni nanka tsukkomareru kara n
.
I hate going to the gynecologist! He always puts things up my clam.

•   
Kanojo no kegani nuretete junbi okk
datta!
Her hairy crab was wet and ready!

Kai
(shell) has given birth to a whole line of raffish expressions. In the Middle Ages, saucy novellas kept readers on edge with words like
shakogai
(clam shell),
ikigai
(living shell), and, when an organ was stunningly large,
horagai
(trumpet shell). In Yoshiwara, Tokyo's old pleasure quarter,
shinkai
(new shell) was used for virgins, while
takaragai,
(jewel shell), referred to the worldly organs of the top courtesans. The medieval
awasegai
(meeting shells), has turned in modern speech into
kaiawase
(shell meeting), and is one of Japan's coarser expressions for lesbian sex. Another idiom that has survived the centuries is
kaisenzuri
(shell thousand-rubs). It remains today a potent motorcycle-gang word for female masturbation.

•   
Atashi, kaiawase? Nanitten da yo!
Me, bump pussy? Please!

•   
Ano ko-tachi zenbu suru no: rap dansu, kaisenzuri, zenbu.
Those bar girls do everything: lap dancing, solofingering, everything.

Tokyoites touring southern Japan are often stunned to hear farmers in the rural outbacks using
kai
exclusively to discuss their cows' vaginas. In his penetrating 1937 publication,
Zoku Ikishima H
genshu,
linguist Yamagata indicates that
kai
has been used for cows as far south as Nagasaki. Almost three decades later, in 1969, after an extensive period of probing field work, the Kamo K yodoshi Linguistic Research Committee, in their publication
Kamoda ni Kotoba,
finally set the Okayama province as the bovine kai'
s
northern boundary.

Akagai
(ark shell) is one of the most versatile slang words for vagina. Many speakers use it as a straight-forward reference to the organ, with the idea that the shell (
kai
) is red (
aka
)in color. A more picaresque crowd uses the red shell for older organs.
Saragai
(new shell) would be that of a chaste teenager, while
akagai,
flushed and red, has achieved a rich hue through years of experience. Still others use
akagai
to refer to an organ in orgasm. In the fiercest urban slang speech the red shell symbolizes a menstruating organ.

•   
Ky
atashi no akagai dakara, ushiro kara shite.
My shell is red today, let's do it from behind.

•   
Hayaku, tampon ch
dai! Akagai ni natta kara.
Quick, gimme a tampon! My shell's turning red.

Even Buddhist priests are not above inventing their own shell idioms, and after a few drinks (a practice strongly discouraged bydoctrine), baser street words are often touched up with a few lofty religious
terms.
N
kai
(gifted shell), for instance, is an experienced vagina, while the euphonious
makakai
is made up of the Sanskrit
maha,
“great” (as in maharajah, great king), and
kai
(shell). Pleasant organs are referred to as
kairen
(lotus shell), while unpleasant ones are called
kunkai
(odoriferous shell). Polite priests, however, will use the more elegant
keishu
(firefly scented).

•   
Y
mani demo, n
kai wa hitome de wakaru mon da yo.
Even when leaves cover the demon nun, I can tell at a glance if a shell's gifted.
(Even if she's wearing panties, I can tell with a glance if she's got good pussy.)

•   
Ano hito no makagai ni ogamitai mono desu yo.
I'd kneel in prayer before her divine shell any day.

•   
Kanojo wa kunkai dakara, watashi wa enryo shit'okimasu yo.
I think I'll keep my distance—her shell is odoriferous.

Kaidan
(shell discourse) in clerical circles refers to risqué banter.
Takai
(shell banging) is the priestly word for intercourse,
kaim
(shell hair) is a woman's pubic region, and
tonkai
(hasty shell) is hurried sex. In
kaisaku
(shell quest), the priest rubs and even penetrates a female organ with his fingers. When a priest peeks through a window with the help of binoculars, the practice is known as
kaimaku
(curtained shells).