It Matters To Me (The Wandering Hearts Book 2) (30 page)

T
HE NEXT COUPLE OF DAYS
are a nightmare. Silence from Aiden. I know he’s traveling, but I would have assumed he could have found a second between connecting flights to contact me. Appointments for Ben with specialists I for some reason feel the need to be there for. Every time I leave, Ben’s mother asks me when I’ll be back. Each time she gushes about how my being there seems to lift his spirits. How can I possibly not return at the start of each day’s visiting hours?

Coming home offers me no reprieve, as my mother is always waiting with a dozen questions, none of which I have answers for. I slip on my boots, zipping them up my calf. I missed all my shoes while in Africa. I didn’t realize it until I came home and saw them all waiting for me in a heap on my closet floor. None of the stuff here seemed important when I was there.

I sigh. It’s time to head back to the hospital. One of the doctors wants to meet with the family this morning. For some reason, Karen feels this should include me. It’s not Ben that’s looming in my thoughts. It’s that damn heart I received from Aiden in my text messages. That’s the last time I heard from him. I’ve thought of calling him or even sending him a message at least a dozen times. But I don’t. I just continue to wonder.

My phone conveys the familiar chime to signal a text has been received. My chest aches, the adrenaline releasing into my bloodstream. It’s him. It has to be. I think.

Glancing at the phone my heart sinks when I see it’s not.

Anna:
How’s it going?

Even though I wanted the message to be from Aiden, Anna’s text couldn’t have come at a more perfect time. I need my best friend. Her living on the other side of an ocean is becoming harder and harder to deal with.

I scroll through my favorite contact list on my phone and press Anna’s number. Holding it to my ear, I wait impatiently for her to answer as I sit on the edge of my bed.

“That was fast,” she laughs.

“Girl, you have no idea what I am going through,” I sigh grumpily.

“What’s going on?”

“I think Aiden is pissed off.”

“Uh-oh,” she says. “What did you do?”

Her tone causes me to laugh. “Why do you automatically assume I did something?”

“I love you babe, but you are the queen of self-sabotage.”

“I am not!” I shoot back.

“Let’s see, freshman year in college, you sleep with our history professor and then when he’s looking for a commitment you decide to quit attending class altogether.”

“That’s self-preservation, not self-sabotage,” I correct her.

“Fine, what about the time I got you a job at my publishing company and as soon as my boss said you were doing a great job you decided to start taking three-hour lunch breaks?”

“That job just wasn’t for me,” I insist.

“Running up your credit cards when you don’t have a job.”

“All right—” I confirm begrudgingly. “You have me on that one.

“All I’m saying is when things start going right in your life, you have a habit of doing everything in your power to derail them.”

I consider her words and my voice breaks as I ask, “Are you saying I did that with Ben?”

“Kenzie, that’s not what I meant.”

“No, I’m serious. Do you think things were good with Ben, and that’s why I went and messed it all up?”

There’s an uncomfortable length of silence on the other end of the line.

“Just say it, I can take it,” I assure her.

“Honestly? I was worried when it first happened that maybe that’s what you were doing.”

“But that’s changed now?” I ask.

“Something has changed since you met Aiden.”

“He knows how to leave a mark on someone, that’s for sure,” I sigh.

“Or maybe, just on you,” she suggests.

“Well, I doubt he’ll ever want to see me again,” I grimace.

“Why would you say that? What happened?” she asks.

“I told him how much I’ve been with Ben at the hospital, and I could tell it upset him,” I explain, replaying the text exchange.

“Are you sure you’re not just reading into things?”

I swallow hard, “I wish. I haven’t heard from him in two days.”

“So, call him,” she urges.

“I can’t.”

“Why not?” She questions.

“Damn it, why do you always have to make me feel like such an idiot?” I huff.

“Because that’s what best friends are for.” She pauses for a few moments before asking, “How’s Ben doing?”

“He’s in good spirits, I guess. I just feel like I’m lying to him.”

“Why?”

“He told me he wants me back,” I start.

“Oh God, what did he say when you told him about Aiden.”

“I haven’t,” I admit.

“Kenzie!” She exclaims and her tone makes it clear this was probably a mistake.

“What?” I respond defensively. “He’s sitting there looking up at me from a hospital bed. How in the hell am I supposed to just break his heart?”

“You’re not breaking his heart. You two are already broken up,” Anna grumbles back at me.

“I know. I know.” I concede. “I’m going to tell him.”

“When?” Leave it to her to hold me accountable.

“Soon.”

“Today,” she suggests firmly.

“Fine, today.” I groan.

“And you’re going to call Aiden.”

“I think he’s home, or he gets home today.”

“As in Chicago?” Anna clarifies.

“Yeah, he mentioned the flight he got has a complete crap layover, so I guess he gets in today at some point.”

“Seriously?” She snaps.

“What?”

“Did it ever cross your mind that he hasn’t called or texted because he’s traveling?”

“That’s such bull. There’s time between flights. He could have texted me. He’s pissed.” I stand firm.

“Stop assuming the worst!” Anna yells.

“All right, I hear you. I’ll break Ben’s heart today and give Aiden the upper hand in our relationship by calling him first, happy?”

Her voice softens. “Kenzie, you know I love you. Can I tell you something I just learned with Holden?” She doesn’t wait for me to respond. “The moment you quit playing games, you win.”

My face grows hot and tears threaten to fall.

“You okay?” she asks.

I swallow, pressing down the wave of emotions that threaten to break lose.

“I love you, girl,” I say, knowing that’s all she’ll need to know that she just gave me the truth I needed to hear. “I better get.”

“Call me later,” she says before hanging up the phone. Glancing at the time on the screen, I decide I’ll call Aiden as soon as I have the much needed talk with Ben. As if I were part ninja, I sneak out of the house as stealthily as possible, avoiding another run in of twenty questions with my mom.

I
SLUMP AGAINST THE DOORFRAME
as I listen to the next ring, and then another. I shouldn’t have waited so long to call her. My gut kept telling me I needed to call her after that awkward text exchange. Damn it, I hate texting.

“Hello?” She sounds so fragile and slight when she answers the phone, two words I would never use to describe Kenzie.

“Kenzie? It’s me, Aiden.”

“Oh—hi,” she seems surprised as she whispers the words.

“Are you in a library?” I joke in response to her whispered tone.

She hesitates. Why in the hell is she hesitating? “Sorry, just in a crowded room.”

“Is everything okay with Ben?” I ask.

“Huh?” she breaths. “Yeah, of course. He’s awake.”

“Really?” I exclaim.

“Yeah, I was going to try and call you this afternoon and tell you then.”

“Oh, yeah?”

“I thought you were coming home, so I wanted to see when your last flight was going to get in,” she explains.

“Well— I’m home,” I state plainly, eagerly waiting for her response. I press my lips together, the desperation growing inside me with each passing silent second.

“Oh,” she gasps, and I can sense she’s surprised. “Why didn’t you call me when you got in?”

“I’m sorry, I should have,” I admit. I want to tell her that I was too busy being a jackass because apparently I’m insecure with the thought I may not actually be who she wants to be with now—but I don’t. I wait for her to respond as I pace the wood planks of the studio floor. The ghostly image of her on the floor playing with the puppies haunts my mind. It doesn’t feel right when she’s not next to me.
You have to fix this.
I warn myself silently.

She’s hesitating again.
Damn it!

I hear an exhale before she speaks. “I’m at the hospital, the doctors are meeting with the family.”

“Wait, what? He’s awake, right?”

“Yeah.”

“Well, is everything okay?” I force the words. I want to be the supportive man she needs, no that she deserves, but I have to force my mind to stop screaming. Shutting that portion off from the conscious portion of my brain. I want her all to myself. But I love the woman I got to know in Africa. The woman who exudes empathy. The woman who taught me people really can be genuine, sympathetic, and caring creatures.

Love, the word settles so easily on my thoughts. The woman I love. I’m falling in love with her. Breath catches in my throat, sliding down my throat like a sharp dagger, dragging its way against my esophagus as it moves downward.

“He seems good, but I guess there’re concerns about some of the swelling,” she answers, and the fear is apparent in her tone.

“Concerned how?”

“I don’t know exactly,” her voice trembles, and I can hear how worried she is. “I’m just waiting for them to come out of the room.”

It feels like I’m being blown apart from the inside out. All I want to do is hold her and comfort her, but at the same time, it sickens me that she’s this distraught over someone she used to have feelings for. At least, I thought she was done with him …

I sigh, “I’m so sorry baby. Do you want me to come there?”

“What?” She exclaims. “No!” There’s no hush to her voice now.

“Are you sure? I want to be there for you.” I want to cry why not. I want to go straight to the hospital despite her answer. I won’t. I’ll sit here and wait for her. Wait until I fit into her life. Is this jealousy? I never want to feel this way again. God, I never knew how important my never fall in love rule was for me until this moment.

“Trust me,” she breaths, calmer now. “It would just make things harder.”

Harder? How would your boyfriend being there make things harder? Am I not what I thought I was to you?

“As you wish?” I whisper.

“I better go,” she follows up, not remarking on The Princess Bride quote. I shiver, I’ve never felt so cold.

“When will I see you?” I wince as I ask the question, wondering if it makes me sound as desperate as I feel.

“Are you at the studio?” she inquires.

“Yeah, waiting for you.” I bite my tongue, helpless as the desperation comes tumbling out of my mouth.

“I guess I could get away for a bit.” There’s no excitement in her voice. She doesn’t sound angry or frustrated either, but I can’t shake the anxiety gripping me.

“I miss you,” I add. “See you soon.”

She hesitates again, then before hanging up, says, “I miss you, too.”