Inspector Rumblepants and the Case of the Golden Haggis (9 page)

“Put these on,” said the small, delicate voice of the Newcomer to the gypsy leader, as handcuffs were thrown with a clank to his feet. The cuffs were covered in pink fur and had tiny golden horses jingling on them. The gypsy leader nodded in submission and quickly put the handcuffs on.

Inspector Rumblepants and Sergeant Widebottom watched in open-mouthed amazement as the Newcomer pulled the black hood off to reveal Agent Amber, her long hair billowing in the breeze. “Sorry I'm late. I saw a dress that I just had to try on,” she apologized.

The gypsy looked at the young girl in amazement. “Who are you?” he gasped as she smiled serenely at him. He was amazed that a small girl had defeated all of the gypsies so easily.

Agent Amber would not tell the gypsy who she was. “Sorry,” she replied. “That's top-secret information, and I am not allowed to tell you.”

Chapter 9

The Mole

C
hief Inspector Grumpibugger looked up with worry in his eyes after reading the secret note that he had just been handed by a special courier from the secret agency, MI six-and-a-half. “Dash it all!” he muttered as he ran for the door, looking for the leader of the Fast Armed Response Team.

After much shouting by Grumpibugger to find the leader, a tough-looking policeman with short, blond hair walked into the office. He had a no-nonsense smile that implied that he was very successful at spy work.

“A job for the FART team, Sir?” asked the leader hopefully. His name was Inspector Christopher Nailard. He excitedly cracked his scarred knuckles, anticipating a great case. His steely eyes looked down at the Chief Inspector, showing that he hoped the job would start immediately. His biceps strained against his tight, black, jumpsuit uniform, as he pulled out a notebook to take serious notes. A long, white scar ran down the side of his face. No one knew how he had gotten the scar, but it danced when he smiled eagerly at the Chief Inspector.

“Yes, Inspector Nailard,” said the Chief Inspector, handing over the secret note. “I have just discovered that we have a traitor in our midst and that Inspector Rumblepants and Sergeant Widebottom are in great danger.”

Nailard ran his hands worriedly through his hair. He summarized the trouble bluntly, “One of the Scottish policemen assisting them is a traitor.”

“Yes,” Grumpibugger said grumpily. “Our agents are working in Scotland on a top-secret mission, and they may be led into a trap. Unfortunately, we don't know the identity of the traitor yet.”

Inspector Nailard gave the note back to the Chief Inspector and flicked his wrist. A dagger appeared like magic and spun in a blur through the air, striking a map posted on the wall, the blade sticking out of Scotland.

“My FART team will be there by tomorrow!” he promised with a snarl. “No harm will come to the Inspector and Sergeant when my team is there to protect them, because no one beats our British FART! We will help get to the bottom of this case.” With that oath, he twirled around and swaggered from the Chief Inspector's office.

Chief Inspector Grumpibugger walked over to the map, noticing that a dribble of water was running from where the blade had struck it.

“Silly Nailard,” Grumpibugger said. “He has hit a water pipe again. I wish he would stop doing that.”

In Scotland, Agent Amber had been thinking about what to do with the huge gypsy leader. She decided to swing him upside down from a large tree.

The gypsy leader had fear in his eyes, because he'd seen what she was capable of. Sweat sprang up on his forehead and ran down into his wide eyes. The rest of his gang were still unconscious and tied to trees, some of them slowly starting to wake up.

“Are you sure this is legal?” asked Inspector Rumblepants, looking at the red-faced man swinging upside down. “I have read nothing about this technique in the police training manual,” he added.

Sergeant Widebottom said, “Yes, but the police team in London sometimes used this method after you had gone home, Sir. That's why whenever you questioned the criminals the next day, they would quickly tell you where they had stashed the stolen loot.”

The Inspector looked at the Sergeant angrily. “No, I don't believe you. It was my interrogation techniques, Sergeant—not your hanging them upside down all night—that made them confess.”

Agent Amber chirped happily. “It is an approved practice where I'm from within the secret service. It's detailed on page twelve in the secret service booklet, How to Persuade People to be Truthful.” She turned to her captive.

“Are you doing okay hanging there, Mr. Gypsy?” she politely inquired with concern. “Your face has a bit of color this way,” she said sweetly.

She looked over to the two policemen and said, “Perhaps you're right, Inspector Rumblepants. Maybe we should let him down for a minute before we start to ask him questions. He looks a tad unhappy up there.”

The gypsy looked at Agent Amber in fear. “This is a trick!” he cried out. “One minute, you are fighting my men and hanging me upside down from a tree. The next minute, you are pretending to be kind.” He looked desperately around for help. “You are utterly mad, completely bonkers. I give up. What do you want to know? I will tell you everything,” he croaked in panic.

“Gosh, it does work,” said Agent Amber, surprised. “And we haven't even got to the tickling stage, which is the best part! I am disappointed. Well, I suppose I do want to know who sent you, where the Golden Haggis is, and why it was stolen,” she stated firmly, peering into the gypsy's eyes as she spoke. “In addition, can you tell me if there are any good shoe stores around here? I seem to have gotten mine a bit muddy,” she asked.

A few moments later, Agent Amber, the Inspector, and Sergeant Widebottom were huddled some distance from the tree in which the gypsy was still swinging slowly in the breeze. Agent Amber's notebook was full of details that the gypsy had spilled in his fear. They had discovered that the evil Count Tomat Le Ketchoop had joined forces with Bonnie Prince Currie to gain Currie the crown of Scotland and overthrow Queen Victoria of England. The dastardly plan of the Count and the Prince was to use the revered symbol of the Golden Haggis to unite the Scottish clans and convince them to attack England. The gypsy had also told Agent Amber that the evil Prince eventually intended to send the Scottish and English armies to invade Europe—and then take over the rest of the world.

Her captive also told her where he had hidden his own money, the fact that he had not worked hard enough in school, and that he had once borrowed someone's bicycle without their permission when he was eleven years old. He was also able to tell her where to get some great deals on shoes.

Inspector Rumblepants gravely summarized what they had learned so far and what they must do next. “It is great that we now know who has the Golden Haggis and what their plans are,” he said solemnly. “Sergeant,” he ordered, “you let the gypsy down and take him and his friends to the nearest police station. Then meet us at the University of Loch Ness. We can visit with Professor Aberdeen, catch up with Inspector Thistle McDonald, and decide where the Count and the Prince might be hiding out.”

He smiled at Agent Amber. “Perhaps you can speak to the Scottish secret agents, if they are working today. Please ask them if they can find out where Bonnie Prince Currie may be hiding and how we can stop his reprehensible plot to take over the world.”

They all agreed to the Rumblepants's plan. Sergeant Widebottom carefully got the relieved gypsy leader down from the tree. Agent Amber had spotted a small village several miles from the edge of the lake, and so Sergeant Widebottom led the trembling gypsy and his friends down the muddy track toward the village, tied together in a line using his own invention: extendable handcuffs.

When the Sergeant arrived at the village an hour later, some of the local policemen arrived on donkeys to arrest the gypsies. The local police looked first at the large, frightened men who were cowering by the police station. Next they looked at Sergeant Widebottom. The success of the capture didn't make logical sense to them.

“Ye did this yerself, did ye?” asked one diminutive, ginger-haired policeman in amazement.

Sergeant Widebottom admitted honestly, “No, it was a young lady who made the arrest, actually. I just brought them here.”

“A girlie?” exclaimed another local officer in disbelief. “But don't you realize that you have arrested Tough Tim and Brutal Bob?” he stammered in astonishment, looking at Tim and Bob. The two scarred and tattooed tough guys were now trembling.

“Yup, I also see Kick-Em-in-the-Teeth Keith,” said another police officer with surprise.

“And there's Knuckles Nathan!” said another, shaking his head in wonder.

“Well, as I said,” repeated Sergeant Widebottom, “I can't take the credit. It was a young girl who arrested them. She's highly skilled with her weapons, which include a hairbrush and her shoes.”

“A devil in a dress!” advised one of the defeated, nasty-looking gypsies. “So please lock us up so we can be safe from her.”

Agent Amber had brought a horse and carriage to the lake. Inspector Rumblepants loaded his luggage on, as well as the Sergeant's. The old policeman and the young secret agent then clambered on top and started toward the University of Loch Ness, fifteen miles away in the village of Firt'a-way'e.

As the carriage bounced down the muddy track, Inspector Rumblepants was thinking hard. He looked at Agent Amber and asked, “Have you wondered how the gypsies knew we were going to travel across that lake?”

Agent Amber looked over at the Inspector. “I believe there is a traitor passing on information,” she stated without hesitation. “It could be a solider from Castle Stirling or perhaps someone within our team,” she added. “That is why I met you at the other side of the lake. I suspected that there is a traitor, and I came to warn you.”

Inspector Rumblepants was very annoyed that there might be a spy among them, called a “mole.”