Insecure in Love: How Anxious Attachment Can Make You Feel Jealous, Needy, and Worried and What You Can Do About It (17 page)

Just as with dancing, relationships need work and practice. While you must rely on your partner, you must also feel balanced within yourself. Acknowledge that there will be missteps, but focus on the positive. Completing the exercises in this chapter can help you to move in harmony with your inner self and with your partner.

Chapter 10

All truly intimate relationships involve some miscommunication, disagreement, or conflict. However, if you tend to focus with tunnel vision on how you can prevent being rejected and earn your partner’s love or attention, you will likely do everything in your power to avoid such issues. You’re likely to sweep your own needs and feelings under the rug. This is your way of protecting yourself. In time, though, you’ll trip over the ever-growing bump in that rug as you become aware of just how alone you feel in your relationship. You’ll experience the hurt that has accumulated and even feel angry with your partner. This is a pattern that cannot ultimately make you happy. Fortunately, there is a better way.

Through compassionate self-awareness, you can learn to value yourself, tolerate your emotions, and be willing to risk vulnerability. You will also be more open to positive feedback from caring people in your life. As a result, you will be better able to the challenge of sharing honestly with your partner, and to truly listening to your partner’s experiences without being sidetracked by how they affect you. The result of approaching relationships in this way is that you will be emotionally available for, and capable of, nurturing an intimate connection.

If you continue to be fundamentally open, caring, and expressive when conflict arises, then you are in a perfect position to maintain your strong connection as you work to resolve or manage the conflict. This chapter will guide you through the process of coping with conflict in just such a constructive manner.

The approach of directly asking for what you want provides you and your partner with the chance to work together on nurturing your relationship. You might find it helpful to focus on two basic practices:

1. Share your feelings, wants, and needs.
   
2. Ask directly and concretely for what you want from your partner.
   

Examples:

Heather gets upset when her boyfriend Art goes out with his friends. She generally stews in her feelings but does not share them with Art—which makes her feel more distant from him and worry more about losing him. Finally, she decides to tell him, “When you go out with your friends, I feel abandoned and like I’m not important to you. I want you to have fun with the guys, but this is really hard on me.” They talk the problem over and he explains that he enjoys spending time with his buddies, but this is not a replacement for her. After some discussion, they agree that he will always give her enough notice about his plans so she can make plans, too. He even agrees that on nights when she ends up home alone, he will call or text her while he is out or on his way home—just to let her know that he’s thinking of her.

Sally frequently goes on business trips, leaving Max to feel lonely and to question how much she really cares for him. He has always been supportive of her career, but he struggles with her traveling so much because he loves spending time with her. He explains this, while also being sure to stress that he truly wants her to follow her dreams. Though they don’t come to any solutions for their differing needs, they do feel that they are supportive of each other. They reaffirm their commitment to the relationship and agree to talk and text daily when she’s away, which helps.

Of course, not all situations end up working out so well. When your conversations end poorly, be sure to return to them at a time when you are calm. Your goal is to find a way to feel cared about and to really connect with each other on an emotional level, even when you are addressing a difficult issue. The next exercise can help you resolve some of these thorny problems.

Exercise: Starting a Difficult Conversation

The way you bring up an issue to your partner sets the tone of that conversation. In fact, the Gottman Institute, which conducts research related to marriage and relationships, found that not only could they predict the outcome of a fifteen-minute conversation in the first three minutes, they could also predict which couples would divorce and which would remain married (Gottman and Silver, 1999; Carrere and Gottman, 1999). So think carefully about how you start a conversation and follow these guidelines:

Pick an emotionally neutral time to talk.
Timing isn’t quite everything, but it’s a lot. A difficult conversation can only go well if both partners are in a good enough emotional and mental state to deal rationally and calmly with it.

State the problem succinctly.
No matter what your partner has done, or what the situation is, the real problem is how it affects you. So state the problem succinctly and get on to the real issue—how you are affected by it.

Do not blame.
Going on about all the bad things your partner has done, or directly pointing to faults in his character, will only make him defensive. You won’t feel better and he will be more emotionally distant.

Focus on your experience.
As much as you might want to lash out at or run from your partner when he’s upset you, you mostly want him to understand and care about you. The only way he can do this is if you openly share your thoughts and feelings.

One common method of doing this in a constructive way is to use “I” statements. When you start a sentence with “I,” you are telling your partner something about what’s going on for you—opening your world to him. By contrast, when you begin a statement with “you,” you are probably being critical of your partner and closing down communication.

For instance, imagine saying, “You never do anything romantic anymore.” This gets your point across, but you’re much more likely to get the response you’re looking for by saying, “I wish you’d do something romantic, like how you used to bring me flowers for no reason.” Or imagine that you and your partner discussed his tendency to leave his dirty clothes on the floor and he agreed to not do it anymore—but then he did. You might say, “I feel really frustrated with you for doing that. It makes me feel unloved and like I’m your maid. I just feel so alone.” Compare that with saying, “You are such a slob and totally insensitive. I don’t know why I try to talk to you about anything.” Need I say more?

Of course, you can also use “I” statements to be critical, such as, “I think you are an idiot.” And “you” statements can be sensitive, such as, “You really have tried to be supportive, but sometimes I’m so upset that I can’t take it in.” So, when I work with patients, I often have them imagine whom they would be pointing at more when they make the statement; this usually matches the person that they are talking about. The bottom line is that you want to open up about yourself, giving your partner the chance to really “get,” support, reassure, and value you.

Be clear about your feelings.
You might need to spend some time getting in touch with and identifying your feelings. If you are unable to do this, review the “Identifying Your Emotions” exercise in chapter 6. Once you are clear about your feelings, share them with your partner. For instance, you might say, “I feel sad,” or “I feel lonely.”

State what your partner can do to meet your needs.
Be specific. This often naturally follows from sharing your emotions. For instance, you might say, “I feel unloved, and I need to know that you really love me. So it would be great if you held my hand when we’re out together or made plans for us to spend time together.” Or you might say, “I feel lonely and want us to be closer. So I’d like it if we could spend more time just sitting and chatting over dinner.” If you aren’t sure what your partner can do to help you feel better, talk it over together to find a solution.

In addition to sharing your feelings and desires, healthy communication requires that you truly listen to and “get” your partner—not just intellectually understand, but see situations through your partner’s eyes and empathize with her. To do this, you must be able to put your perspective aside. No cutting off your partner as you give an explanation aimed at making her agree with you. No minimizing or denying your partner’s feelings in order to protect yourself from the hurt those feelings elicit. However, as you do this, you do
not
need to agree with your partner or give up on what you want. It’s just that you and your partner must take turns listening. It’s important that you are both open to sharing, “getting” each other, and talking together supportively and constructively. With this approach, you can promote a sense of safety even in the most personal and vulnerable conversations.

Just as you must be careful about
how
you start a difficult discussion, the power of such a conversation is not just in
what
you talk about, but also
how
you do it. For instance, it helps to be aware that you both have biases and are both fallible. Your willingness to see and admit this can facilitate your openness to feedback, sense of compassion, readiness to apologize, and ability to truly forgive. Overall, for a constructive outcome, you must approach your partner with the intent to really understand him or her, share your experiences, and become emotionally closer. Otherwise, you and your partner will find yourselves living parallel lives, or at odds as you each try to defend your own perspectives.

Below are some guidelines for communicating effectively.

Be a safe haven.
I cannot emphasize enough that partners need to feel safe with each other. This can only be nurtured in a conversation by focusing on one partner at a time. If you are addressing an issue, ask your partner to just listen and try to understand what you are saying. Tell him that you want to make sure you’ve had a chance to get out what’s on your mind, and then make sure he gets it before you shift to his thoughts. (This dovetails nicely with the previous exercise, “Starting a Difficult Conversation.”)

If your partner is bringing up an issue, really try to understand his perspective. Your goal is to empathize, to try to get as good a sense of what your partner is experiencing as you can. This will naturally help you feel closer to your partner. Also, if your partner senses that you understand and care, he will be less defensive.

A great way to show your partner that you “get” him is to
mirror
what he says. That is, when he’s done talking, reflect back in your own words what he is saying, directly or indirectly, about his thoughts and feelings. If you aren’t sure that you understand, say so and ask for clarification.

Truly listening without interrupting is often harder than it seems because it’s natural to get caught up in your own reactions and want to interject your thoughts. But focus on your partner’s distress first. Then, after he feels truly heard, reassured, and valued, you can share your experience—and he’ll be more likely to really listen.

Offer positives.
It’s beneficial to sometimes make note of things you truly appreciate about your partner when discussing a difficult topic. This can prevent you from getting flooded by distressing emotions and negative thoughts about him. Instead, you’ll feel at least somewhat grounded by your positive feelings toward your partner. It will also send him the message that you appreciate him, even though you are unhappy with a particular behavior or situation. All of this helps to keep the argument more constructive.

Stay on topic.
When arguments get heated, it’s easy to jump from topic to topic, or example to example. This can be because you are losing ground and you don’t want your partner to win. Or it can be because one negative thought leads to another, and before you know it you are rattling off a list of issues that your partner cannot possibly respond to in a coherent way. But, whatever the reason, no problems are ever resolved when the subject is constantly shifting.

Be respectful.
Mutual respect is fundamental to intimate relationships, and there is no good reason to be rude or insulting to your partner. This is true even when you are angry with each other.

If you have a problem with becoming overwhelmed and exploding in anger, take it seriously. This can consume you personally and erode your relationships. Try applying the information about compassionate self-awareness to this issue, finding self-help materials directly related to anger management, or seeking therapy.

Any two people who share their lives and their hearts will at some points hurt each other. It might be out of anger, ignorance, or their own struggles that they can’t see past. It might also be caused by a misunderstanding or—sometimes—by caring more about your own happiness than your partner’s distress.

Feeling hurt is painful for everyone. But it can be particularly difficult for someone who struggles with attachment-related anxiety. In those cases, it often runs deep, mixing with a sense of being flawed or unworthy of love. Troubling thoughts, feelings, and memories can flood the person. And the resulting self-criticism or hostility toward her or his partner can be powerful and destructive.

If you relate to this, then you need to work on moving past the hurt and learning to forgive. By nurturing forgiveness, you will be giving a gift to
yourself
. It will enable you to let go of anger and bitterness that is burning in
your
heart and soul. You can also consider it a gift to your partner and your relationship. If you believe that your partner generally has your best interests at heart, regrets the harm he’s caused you, and will not repeat the offending behavior, forgiveness will allow your relationship to heal. If you do not believe any of that, then it might be time to at least consider moving on. In that case, forgiveness can be your way of wishing your partner well.

Forgiveness doesn’t mean saying that an offending behavior is acceptable; rather, it’s that you’ll leave it in the past. Even so, you might still change your behavior toward your partner because of it. For instance, if your partner is an alcoholic, you might require that he get treatment and refuse to keep alcohol in the house. However, if he gets appropriate help and does his part to remain sober, then you might forgive him by not holding his past against him in the present. This is not something you can just decide in a moment; it involves a process of dealing with feelings within yourself and in your relationship. At a later time (after you’ve forgiven him), if you believe he has relapsed, you might still air these concerns, but you would do so in a way that focuses on the present. It would certainly make sense to talk about this in the context of the past, but forgiveness means that you wouldn’t just dredge up the past without a current reason to do so. I have heard Jack Kornfield, a noted teacher of meditation, express it this way: “Forgiveness is a vow not to carry bitterness into the future…to decide to give up hope for a better past” (2011).

Again, nurturing forgiveness takes time. So have compassion for your struggle and be patient as you work toward healing.

Exercises: Learning to Forgive

What follows is a series of exercises that can help you to move toward forgiveness.

Appreciate being forgiven.
Happiness researcher Sonja Lyubomirsky (2008) suggests that people begin the path toward forgiving by appreciating a time when they were forgiven. You might recall a time you were forgiven by a parent, friend, or former partner. Think about why they might have forgiven you and how it felt to be forgiven. Consider how it helped them, you, and your relationship.

Apply understanding and compassion
. Keep in mind the upsetting behaviors that you have been unable to forgive as you do the following: Begin by rereading the “Nurturing Awareness of Emotions” section of chapter 6. Then complete the “Identifying Your Emotions” and “Befriending Your Emotions” exercises.

You might also return to the “Mentalizing” section in chapter 6. Keep the hurtful incident in mind as you do. Read it through and complete the exercises “Choose to Be Curious” and “Getting to Know Your Partner from the Inside Out.” This will hopefully help you appreciate the situation and your partner’s actions from a more understanding perspective.

To be able to forgive, you’ll need to practice having compassion for both yourself and your partner. As you go through this process, the goal is to be able to hold on to your own experience while also empathizing with your partner. This can be difficult to do, but it’s essential. To help with it, practice going back and forth between the exercises that connect you with your own experience and those that help you to empathize with your partner.

Create a sense of safety.
For you to forgive, it’s important that you feel emotionally safe. So you need to take reasonable measures to help you feel safe in the present. For instance, if you still want to save your marriage after your spouse has had an affair, you will want to know that she is committed to your relationship and is no longer in contact with the other man. Or if your partner has spent you into the poorhouse, you may want to have control of the money until he gets help and earns back your trust in this area.

Remember that by deciding to forgive, you are not forgetting what happened. You are simply relegating it to the past. As you can see in the above examples, you can still learn from what happened and make decisions based on it. But when you forgive, the difference is that you no longer hold on to the anger, no longer try to make him “pay” for what he did, but instead experience caring and compassion toward your partner.

You will probably have times when you feel pulled to reexperience the past hurt and anger. You will need to talk yourself through them. When thoughts of the offending behavior come to mind, respond with self-compassion. For instance, you might think, “Of course these are difficult memories to leave behind.” Then remind yourself that the situation has been addressed, or is being appropriately addressed now. If you can, turn your attention to the present. You might find it helpful to ask your partner for support. It’s important that you do this in a nonblaming way. For instance, you might say, “I’m feeling really insecure now. I’m afraid you’re going to have another affair and I’ll feel like a jerk for ever trusting you again. I need some reassurance from you now.” (The previous exercises in how to start and talk through difficult conversations can help you with this.)

Finally, with reassurance that you are emotionally safe, focus on the positives in your relationship and on the love he expresses to you now. Depending on your particular circumstance, you might need more guidance and support in this area. If so, search out self-help materials or individual or couples therapy.